Sorry, I'll defer to others about how to handle this professionally.

I just wanted to comment that I am glad you are deleting her from FB. Let us know when you have. We are holding you accountable! I have been exposed to a trolling OW in the past week and discussing marital problems was the way in.

Cut contact. Run!

mark, why did you give this thread that title?

You knew you were doing wrong and engaging in risky behaviour. The title doesn't make sense otherwise. You knew you were doing wrong and wanted justification for doing it anyway. That's what waywards do.

The title was given in light of all the people I've had a chance to speak with lately about infidelity and marriage, etc. It started with a male coworker going through it. Then my wayward brother and his wife. Then a church member. Then a former church member. Then her.

It probably should have been titled something like "Helping others through the fire" because it seems I've had a lot of opportunities lately to do so. It was an honest question. Yes, the last incident may have been pushing the envelope but I had no intention other than trying to help. Nothing from the past was discussed.

By the way, this girl and I only dated for a few months and after our breakup, she tried to come back. It wouldn't work anyway because we've never lived.in the same town and I now live several states away.

Oh, dear. Mark, please don't discuss marital problems with members of the opposite sex. That's an incredibly slippery slope to having an affair.

I wouldn't take another call from her. I think she's looking for an AP.

ITA. What is it with Facebook and old flames as friends??? It's like a demon seed, or something!

Sorry for the t/j, mark.

When enough time has passed, enough LB balance has been deposited on BOTH sides, and enough excuses YOU have made about why it is OKAY, these things won't matter.

Just the fact that you are making these kinds of excuses tells me how close you were coming. I am VERY glad that you decided to post this here. This way, we could point it out to you, as well as countless others(who may be afraid to post anything like this).

You are giving us the equivalent to "We're just friends." Once you need to start defending it, you've gone too far.

Heed our warning Mark.

Mark,

Trust me on this. In the age of technology, distance will not "protect" you from a relationship. In fact, a relationship built on the written word can often develop much more quickly because of the clarity and intimacy of the words shared. Beyond that, there's video chatting.

What I read into your words here, is that this is titillating to you, and you think you can safely enjoy the attention. I may be wrong on that, but it sounds that way to me. It's not safe.

You don't share what you know at the expense of your own boundaries, though.

mark, it sounds like you're trying to minimize this. I understand that you, personally, honestly feel it was pretty benign. We're standing farther back and have the luxury of seeing this through different lenses. Many, many affairs have begun this way. FB, Twitter and the cell phone have made it extremely easy to conduct an affair. We've got one thread going right now where the OM is in Turkey and the woman is in another country - England, I think - they're maintaining the A through electronic communication. I'm sure you seen other examples of the same thing.

Oh. Puh-lease.

In my divorce group there is a woman whose marriage is ending because her husband reconnected online with an old girlfriend who lives hundreds of miles away. They have only seen each other once (or twice?) since the A started. Even so, two marriages have been destroyed and the OW's husband lost his job as a pastor.

Anytime an x contacts is that their relationship is dying, dead, stick a fork in it, and is trolling. Dollars to doughnuts.

However it's always easy to get caught off guard and not realize one has stepped on the slippery slope.

However (two for one cent sale on the word today) having a one time conversation steering someone, even an x from one's past, to MB is the right thing to do. Then go NC.

here

When I read your first post, warning bells went off!

Glad you sought advice here.

I would remove your phone number and email or any other means of contacting you from your FB acct.

If someone wants to contact you they can send you a public message on your wall. That will make it easier for you to identify "preditors" and everyone can see what is going on.

My FWH and I share a FB acct. We do not show any contact info. Only our "friends" can send us messages or post on our wall.

No info is available, not even our friend list, when someone "searches" for us.

Go to the privacy settings, then "custom." You can even pick and chose who can or cannot post on your wall. Lots of options there to protect you.

IMO (no offense Road) I would not even put myself in a position to have a conversation with an "x" much less one that discusses M.

Any "x's" of mine or my FWH....well, they are on their own when it comes to M. Don't care and don't want to know. Maybe I'm a "B" but our marriage isnt' worth the risk.

Hehe, great honesty! Isn't it amazing what the things we leave out from our stories say about ourselves? I've been 2x4'ed for that over and over again, and I learned a lot from the experience.

Mark,
She was definitely trolling for an affair. DANGER WILL ROBINSON

Thank you for being willing to help people but your first rule is NO WOMEN. Point them in the right direction and than turn around and run. There is a reason the Bible says "FLEE TEMPTATION". Not walk away, not run away, FLEE

A lot of great input guys. As I've thought about it, she probably was trolling. She was so unwilling to try much of what I was suggesting, it has me wondering. To say I was surprised to get that phone call is an understatement.

Thinking back to the years after our breakup, we talked very sporadically and she would say she felt I was the one who got away. It all makes sense.

I really was just trying to help but maybe she really wasn't looking for help.

Even if you were trying to help, and even if that was what she was looking for, do you understand that conversations of this type are the kind of conversations that deposit love units?

I had a similar issue. I tried to help a lady at work cuz she was complaining to me about her marriage. But I think my efforts just hardned her heart more and caused ME to be a source of contrast to her hubby. (this was all with enthusiastic agreement from my wife to try and help her with MB concepts since we both knew her) but when my efforts failed to convince her MB is what she needed and she continued to gripe about her Marriage but refused to even look at MB .. I gave up and stopped talking to her. I OBVIOUSLY was not helping. She didnt have much interest in working on her marriage.. especially if it meant she had to change.

Now .. I have to see this lady because I take care of the office building she is a receptionist at (as well as 2 other buildings) and I have NO feelings towards her at all. So now i keep my interactions strictly business. IE: change the lights in the offices, unplug toilets, etc. NO MORE FAMILY TALK! She tries to drum up personal conversation and I just tell her i gotta go, and head to another floor to fix things.

So lesson learned. My marriage is FAR too valuable to risk. I DEF dont want their drama nor do i want to be a source of contrast to be compared to.

I have had similar situations arise since then and I just stay out of it .. not worth my effort nor the headaches of caring for someone elses marriage issues UNLESS its the hubby that wants to talk about it but I have yet to experience a hubby that wants to talk about stuff like that to me. I will mention marriage builders to those that ask or give me reason to mention it and tell them that is what saved my marriage. I then tell them if they are serious about fixing their marriage they should go and have a look for themselves since its inappropriate to be discussing there marriage issues unless both spouses are there to interact with.

I do have a question about helping others though. What if you were asked by a female family member for marital coaching or help ... say a cousin or step sister? Would that be inappropriate too? I understand someone not related to you and how dangerous that can be .. but if its family?

MNG

p.s. if i need a 2x4 plz give it!

My H and I have talked to people of the same sex. We are all about helping when needed and suggesting MB. But, and we have not come across this yet, If a person of the opposite sex asked for advice we "have a plan" we are to tell them that our spouse would be happy to talk to them about that...here is their email/phone #. end of conversation.


Family matters...if it is a person of the opposite sex I would do the same as above, or tell them we could all meet as couples.


An EP is an EP is an EP...
No conversations with the opposite sex regarding personal matters.

(unless it was my brother)