Do you have a keylogger on your home computer?

I didn't understand the other post, did he give you access to his cell records?

Hi Opt and SuzieQ,

Yes, this all makes sense. He isn't willing to try right now and he is not going to wake up tomorrow and suddenly change. It's going to take something drastic to change it.

I have read When to Call It Quits several times, I have just been in denial about having to go that route!

We are on a joint cell phone plan and I have the password and can access all of the records and he knows that. I also still have access to his passwords for his credit cards. It's just his emails and his computer that I no longer have access to.

Do you have a keylogger on your home computer/s? If not, I would put on on there...like, yesterday...

We each have our own computer and right now I can't even log onto his computer because of the password change. I think he has more than one user account on his computer, too. Do I need to install it on each user account?

He is also very computer savvy so I am a little nervous I will get caught. In addition, he is in the habit of wiping his hard drive every few months and then re-intalling his programs to "keep it fresh" so it might not last for long.

If I can get the password to get on, I will install a keylogger.

Also, he uses something called "activity monitor" to monitor all power draws on his Mac .. so I wonder if that would pick up a keylogger.

My ex had her own computer and I had trouble installing softwear (I'm not knowledgable about computers). The best I could do was check history which was somewhat revealing.
There is a whole board about recon -- I would go there for some answers. That wasn't around when I was going through this part of it.
I would say that if he is starting to come home late, and not tell you were he is at lunch, he's probably getting sloppy and will do something obvious sooner or later -- IF he's seeing someone. (he COULD have been out buying you Christmas presents, but there are ways to let you know this without spoiling any surprises; there is no reason to be defensive about it like he was).
If he's NOT having an affair, and you're not satisfied with how things are, then you are doing right to voice your concerns and see what his reaction is.
opt

Have you asked him why he feels he needs to have a secret password for his emails?
opt

You know what this means. Deep in your guy, you know what this means.

Penni, he is not committed to faithfulness, the basic requirement of a marriage.


He could spout any kind of insanity, and it wouldn't make any difference, would it? You are the expert on what you need, not him. His opinion does not trump yours.

I did this morning. He said it is not a secret, it's just that you should change your passwords occasionally for security purposes. I asked for them and he said he has nothing to hide but doesn't understand why I need them. He sort of vaguely left me with the impression that he would give them to me if I pressed him but begrudgingly. I will request them tonight - it is going to be hard to do without making it sound like an SD. I think what I will do is write all of my passwords down in one place for him and then request that he do the same.

He also created a new email address. He has 5 now!! He barely uses email - I'm not sure why he needs so many but it seems suspicious.

I think at this point he is not protecting a specific relationship but more his independence. In the past, old me would read an email and catch him in a white lie and then SD and DJ him to death. He was already doing IBs, but I made it worse.

Transparency is not a selfish demand. It is a basic requirement of an open, honest marriage. Frankly, I would just slap a keylogger on his computer and his phone and find out who he is doing. It is obvious that he is having an affair or at the very least trolling for one.

I can't tell you how many times I have said this to him. It seems like common sense and decency but he seems to think that his opinion is right and mine is crazy/stupid/distorted.

Two days ago he told me, "You are distorted" during an argument and I said, "Do not speak to me like that, it is disrespectful. I think what you might mean to say is that you are having a hard time seeing my perspective and I am having a hard time seeing yours." He just got quiet. I wonder if what I said was a DJ - it was sort of me educating him and I know he gets mad when I talk like I am smarter/know more.

This is a serious problem, and you need a plan to overcome it.

Well, telling him what he might mean could be a DJ but telling him not to speak to you like that is not. That's called having boundaries and self-respect.

I would be incredibly suspicious. There's no reason why he shouldn't be willing to give you the passwords to his email addresses on the spot. And 5?! Good Lord.

I wish I had understood this concept better when my marriage was breaking under the strain of adultery. The jist of it is:
"I need to feel safe in this relationship and by you doing ___XYZ___ I am not feeling safe" -- (for me it was WW going to tanning salon/grocery shopping/daily smoking breaks with neighbor, after full blown EA with other neighbor). and "if you are not willing to help me feel safe in the relationship then I will be forced to reevaluate my place with you".

There's a language that goes along with the philosophy here and it takes a while for it all to gel.
opt

I am glad to see you started that thread over in Operation Investigation and I hope you get that keylogger installed successfully.

Just wanted to add that the fact that he regularly wipes his computer and changes passwords and has five emails along with all of the other things you have told us about him, I just want you to brace yourself for the possibility (and I hope that I am wrong here) that there may be a lot more to his SSL than just a current (budding?) affair.

{{{Penni}}}}

Well, here's an update. After much discussion my H decided that he would open everything up to me and gave me all of his passwords. I snooped and snooped and found nothing. Things between us started to improve and he even agreed the POJA was a decent idea and we were practicing it. Things were going great.

Fast forward to March when my boss tells me that he and his wife are having issues and I need to do all of his travel that he had planned for the month. So, I have basically been out of town most of March.

Today, when I got home and my H was in the shower, I looked at the internet history on his phone and found that he was viewing porn. I wasn't sure if I should confront him or not but as I was looking at it he walked in and saw me so I told him what I found. This made him really mad and he has now locked everything back down, changed his emails passwords, etc.

I'm so frustrated, it seems like we just keep taking a step forward and then a step back. Maybe I shouldn't have confronted him about the porn.

I don't want him looking at porn but he insisted that he never did during our marriage until this month when I had to travel a bunch. It looks like I am going to have to do more traveling now. I know the answer is to find a new job - the thing is, I make significantly more than my husband and although he wouldn't admit it, I think financial support is high on his EN list. I think it will be difficult for me to find a job at similar pay without travel.

I'm frustrated and tired and I am looking for advice on what to address first.

You haven't taken any steps forward, Penni. When he gave you the passwords, etc he obviously wasnt doing it to be transparent as evidenced by his anger at your catching him veiwing porn. And of course you should have confronted him. just because he threw a fit does not mean that was the wrong thing. What was wrong was his girly reaction. He is angry because he wants to hide things from you and you won't let him.


Do you think it would make any difference? If he is not going to cooperate in your marriage what would be the point? As long as he insists on keeping secrets from you, you will always be in danger.

Your spouse had an affair and REFUSES to do the things necessary to recover your marriage. That is when Plan B is warranted.

Can any posters tell me if there is a benefit to phone counseling or the online program if your spouse absolutely will not participate? I really ruined it for him a long time ago by DJing him in the name of MBs when I was first learning it.

At one point when we almost separated, he did do a few calls with Steve and liked him but quit after Steve had to reschedule us for the next day and was then a few hours late in calling. My H found it disrespectful and used it as an excuse to never talk to Steve again.

He did say he'd do in-person counseling but I have no idea how to find a local counselor that is good with MB but that won't overuse the terms with my H.

When my H feels like I have disrespected him even a little, he punishes me back 10 fold. He has actually told me that his strategy is to respond to things I do that he doesn't like with a huge negative reaction (e.g., silent treatment, spending the evening getting drunk by himself at the bar, etc.) so that I will never do it again. He is "teaching me a lesson."

I kind of feel like he might be the electric fence personality that Dr. Harley talks about.

Have you seen this?
How To Find a Good Marriage Counselor