Hi TeEstimo,

Sorry you are here. I know it is scary, but the only other option to what the good folks here are suggesting is losing your wife.

CV

You think I should wait and do this with Her father. I kind feel he would be supportive of this plan. And actually help.

How about reading through that Exposure 101 thread, sleeping on it and then coming back tomorrow and lets talk? You have a good chance of killing this affair dead very quickly if you are strategic and proactive.

There is simply no logical way this affair will ever work out. It is untenable because a 25 yr old single man is not going to take your place. He is just having some cheap fun.

But he is not going to take on a married woman and her 4 children. No way. He probably has a girlfriend and might even be carrying on with others. Exposure would be devastating to the affair.

Yeah its pretty sad.. right now.. All 3 of my kids.. well the 4 year old just fell asleep. But they were waiting for mom to come home.. its now 10 30 my time..

I will read through that thread. I got through the first part. So far.

And you dont think this is too late? its been 1 month now since The day..

The hard part is losing your marriage to an affair. And that is where you are headed. You should be much more scared about where you are headed right now.

Your marriage can survive her temporary RAGE over exposure; it can't survive an ongoing affair. Exposure will destroy her fantasy. But as long as you continue to enable her affair, she will stay fogged out and even when the OM dumps her, your marriage won't survive because her fog will remain intact.

When the fog wears off, your wife will thank you with gratitude for exposure - because you STOOD UP and FOUGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE LIKE YOU REALLY CARED. Enabling does not convey caring, on the other hand.

Oh no, it is not too late. I think you have a great chance of saving this if you will act soon and act decisively.

I would also plan to get some good spy resources in place as soon as humanly possible. For example, if she communicates with him on her computer, then install a keylogger. If she communicates on her phone, then install spyware on it. Try and get cell phone spyware that has a built in GPS, such as eblaster for androids & blackberry's or flexispy for iphones.

You will need this in place after you kill the affair to keep tabs on her.

Don't you even think about leaving your house

Exposure works
tell everyone that the a is happening and that you really want your marriage to work.
eventually the fog lifts affairland has an earthquake maybe just for a minute, and what happens they need someone to lean on they go to their friends and vent, about how horrible things are. And if you have told that friend, and she has any "balls" she will give her a piece of her mind.
it happened in my case and my exposure was weeeeaaaaakkk
3 people .have spoken up so far and she has defriended them, cause they don't support her, ha
but as time passes and we plan a our azzez, little things in affairland start to break down, arguements happen they break up, they get back together. You see I believe we can't keep our true colors covered for long. And when the covers come off and the light comes in the window, they see it for what it is.....plain ugly.
remember she married u for a reason. She loved u, she reallllly loved u. She just can't see it right now.
oh and Don't leave your house.....your plan will b much less effective if you don't live together.
oh #2 listen and do what mel says she's a sweetheart, I mean she gets shiz done.

Ok things to do

1 read your but off.
2.don't convince her of anything/ you can't anyway, they don't listen to spouses, wrong pitch or something
3. Spy ware for computer/phone
4. Var for car
5gather info for exposure
think about it this way if you don't expose you will end up divorced, sad and waiting still for her to return 5 years from now. At least with exposure you have a chance

Remember read

Some of us (hint) are going through the very same things right now, and trust me there are not many that have a f'ed up history like me.


Oh and this is meant to b friendly, Take off those damn panties and put the big boy britches on......you say she may not like it if you do that, screw that I am certain she is not worried about how u feel when she boppin that fairy that helps people finish their homework!
sorry!

Thanks for the words.. It helps. Read What? I have made it through most of this website so far. I do alot of searches online for articles. That is why i really do understand my role and have full confidence I can make sure it neverhappens again. The rest of the stuff about spying and all isnt that big because. My wife is really a horrible liar. And there is one tell tale thing She does that makes it obvious she is going to see him.. She always will bring the kids with her if they ask.. But now. She makes a big deal about it everytime she is really planning on going to see him instead of doing what she says she is doing.. Then she gets mad at me for using the kids.. and i am like.. they always ask if they can go.. I dont have to tell them to do that.

And I totaly understand about the convincing part.. Id probably be a little closer to resolving this issue in a good way if I would quit trying.. I know she knows what is right.. I dont have to explain it to her.. the more i do the more she just doesnt care about it being wrong.. she is stuborn like that.. which is unfortunately one of the reasons i fell in love with her.

and the panties thing.. that is the part I have been struggling with. Because on one side I know that she is the type that me fighting for her in that way by trying to push him out.. or beat him down.. would push her closer to him.. but on the other hand.. I feel.. maybe that is what she is looking for for me to fight for her...

TeEstimo. I'm sorry that you find yourself here...but this is the best place to be because MB can give you a PLAN to recover your marriage and rebuild the romantic feelings and love.

Look at your post above...you need a PLAN.

Your WW is in an active affair and is living in a fantasy world. You most definitely need to FIGHT for your W or you will lose her. Yes. she will be mad when you start to stand up and fight because your WW will no longer be able to say that you don't care and didn't do anything to save the M.

Don't be afraid of her anger. It's like the drunk who gets cut off at the bar. It's expected.

It is great that you recognize your part in the downfall of your M but it is not the cause of the affair. You were in the same relationship as WW but you did not turn to some outside person. The affair was her choice and you are not to blame.

The first step is to KILL this affair. Who have you exposed to on the OM side?

TeEstimo. this is not easy but you can do it. Go back and read your thread again. You have gotten great advice.

[quote=pokerface
The first step is to KILL this affair. Who have you exposed to on the OM side?
[/quote]

I have not talked to anyone from the OM world. I have only talked to her best friend Who hates what she is doing but says she will support what she decides.. and my Father in law.. Who says he will do everything he can to try to give me the chance to repair our marraige but then also tells her he will love and support whatever she decides. He doesnt tell her what he told me.. that he will never meet this guy.. He is coming down to stay with us this week. I am planning on trying to talk to him and his wife alone as soon as they get here.. My wife does not tell him everything.. ( and I havent told him all the facts yet as well. )

I just feel really horrible right now because.. our kids are about to wake up and she is still not home.. I am worried horribly..

The sucky thing is no matter what we get to have a fight when she gets home because .. 1) she is going to be pissed that I stayed up all night thinking she went to his place.. ( even if that is where she went ) and 2) for some reason in her head i did something to make her need to go there..

This is the hardest part...do not engage in a fight.

You need to be cool, calm and in control like James Bond.

Read this about why not to leave your home:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...&Number=1984719&nt=2&fpart=1

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You mean that she will blame her affair on you? She will blame you because she stayed out all night with another man? And you will allow this? Of course you are not to blame.

I would not fight with her. Do not plead or beg or cry. Just tell her you are deeply disappointed. And when she tries to blame you tell her calmly there is no excuse for an affair. None. Just say that and then leave the room.

When you calm down come back here and we will help you with your plan to kill this affair.

Yeah,, I am sure she will say something along the line of.. I am sorry but you did "this" and I just needed to stay away a bit and cool off....

I bought surviving an affair, lovebusters, and surviving an affair. All can be found at the very top of this page in the bookstore link.

I also got aaaa llllott out of the notable posts.... hit forum and then the second link under announcements is Notable post.
there are many good posts to read my favorite is I think bob pure's light house.

Pepperband has another link in her sig line for notable posts good reading.

Contrary to some, they dont say the same thing, they do though all have the same goal.

The big boy shorts was said to me and I took it as be strong and keep it together. Manage my emotions dont let them controll me. That is what happens alot of the time.

You are not to blame for her affair. Quit that bs.

This is going to make some bonkers, but dont fear the threat of divorce. Yes despise the actual divorce, but they will threaten ad nauseum and its nothing to be feared.

But dont leave your house....... did I say that yet.
She may ask you to leave, ask her for fish!
She may call you an azz, tell her you like her shirt.
Then turn around and play with your kids or better yet clean your toilets, chances are she wont follow you in there and if she does ask her if she wants to help cause this one is really dirty.
It takes a while but dont raise your voice, dont get excited, stay calm.
Remember she has been taken over by an alien...i think the name is oxytocin....

Oh and remember to pamper yourself.......I used to think that was only for girls but it really does feel good. It doesnt have to be expensive, coffee, go to the library. Right now I think I have that one covered.

Remember you need to be strong for yourself, and that is not selfish, for your children and for your wife if that is how it ends.

Well she came home.. She hugged the kids and ran straight up stairs and sat down looking at me.. All I said is that I loved her .. and was really dissapointed .. she says story of my life.. She said she just went with her friend that she said she was going to .. little did she know her friend called me just before she came home to talk about her problems.. and said she never spoke with my wife the day before.. So I said.. lying to me is one thing.. lying to the kids is another.. She Said. its not fair for you to put a guilt trip. I said . I dont want to fight.. I just think you should know that I got to deal with all three kids crying themselves to sleep because mommy didnt want to come home to spend time with them.. ( their words). She tried to justify.. I said. An affair is never right.. and All i am doing is fighting for my wife.. She said as I was walking out the door( i was calm) your wife doesnt want you to fight for her..