The last and only other time you should be dialing OM's number is to TELL HIS WIFE. Tell her NOW. Her Wayward husband is going to spin this.

And end ALL contact FOR LIFE.

Your BH doesn't understand affairs like these people do, as DrH does, he doesn't know what is best in this sitch. Please, follow No Contact FOR LIFE with OM and OMW.

Don't lie to the BW. Tell her the truth.

Your H doesn't seem to understand that in order for the two of you to recover your marriage there must be no contact with the other couple, especially OM, ever again.

As far as friends of the opposite sex go:

This crossed the line long ago. You've been having an affair for a long time with this OM. It's been an emotional affair.

I have a few former female friends. I use to talk to them nearly daily. I got married. My contact is now all gone. They were great friends when I was single, but my wife is the only woman I need in my life and any female friends will be friends with both of us or not at all.

I also let my wife dictate who she is comfortable with me talking to and who she isn't. I'm completely transparent and let her see my phone whenever she wishes or access my email or FB if she wishes. It's never been said. It just is.

You have very poor boundaries with men and it has led to this.

I'm a little concerned with your BH's reaction. He seems to be taking this too well, which tells me he might simply be looking for an out of the marriage or he suspected a long time and is just now having it confirmed.

Exactly how is he reacting to all of this? Those of us who have been betrayed reacted with tears, devastation, a lack of sleep, and a lack of apetite. The LAST thing we would have told our WS to do was to contact OM/OW for any reason.

How old are you guys?

They've got to be at least late-20s, they've be together (married 7) a total of 11 years.

my H is 34, i'm turning 31 next month.
His main reaction has been silence. When something really hurts him, that is his usual reaction. There have been no tears or lack of appetite, a little trouble sleeping. Since last night he started talking so i took this as a good sign. Isn't it?
I hope he's not looking for a way out of the marriage, but he didn't only suspect something, I actualle told him about a year ago, in a rough stage of our marriage, that I had considered having an affair with the OM but decided against it. Back then we decided to work on our marriage to prevent that from happening again. The mistake was keeping contact with them, i see that now.

About friends, he is the only male friend I actually had. And yes, my H has full access to my email and FB accounts, as well as cel phone and laptop. He always has, and as you say, we never talked about it, it just is.

Thank you for your comments, they are helping me to understand the male and the victims side. So, should i be worried of his good reaction?

valki, when will you be telling the OM's wife what you have done to her?

hello.
I know it seems like Im ignoring your advice to tell the OMW but Im not. I will talk about that with my H before doing it, because he feels against it and I need to tell him all the reasons you've told me. I don't want to do anything without my H's aproval. That's the idea, isn't it?

You didn't need your husband's approval to sleep with the OM, did you? So why would you use that as an excuse to avoid doing the right thing? You don't need your husband's approval to tell the OMW. Your husbands approval or disapproval does not absolve you of the moral obligation to make sure she knows. It would be best if he told the OMW himself, but if he refuses, then the job falls to you. It is your obligation to make sure she knows what happened.

This is an important step in your OWN recovery. You won't recover unless you make amends to your victim. And in this case, that means making sure she has the full and complete truth. Recovery means you repent [turn away from] and you can't claim any such thing when you are actively decieving your victim.You can't claim to be repentant while you continue to deceive your victim. That is not true remorse.

You need to break all contact with the OM. If your husband tells you to call him.....don't. You are allowed to NOT do things, that will hurt your marriage, even if your husband says its OK.

His reaction is neither good or bad. He can be so overwhelmed by letting the OM have continued access to you/fox in the hen house, post your affair anouncement.

There is no right or wrong response for a BH. There is a normal range of possible reactions. From staying the way he is. Going to full out anger mode after he is secure enough that NC is not being broken and he feels that you will not be leaving the marriage. To you come home one day and he's gone without saying a word.

To help reduce response swings the first thing is to always be truthful and don't trickle truth. Got to go.

And as melody said you didn't need BH approval to sleep with the OM.

And as ouchthathurt said you do not do things that are wrong even if you have your BH approval

Would your BH come here and post? At the least will he come and read your thread? Somehow, I think he's getting a watered down explanation of why telling OMW is critical. And you should not be contacting OM ever except for writing a NC letter that your BH reads and mails. If your marriage is to recover, the friendship with OM and OMW should end permanently.

In your original message you stated that you had sex with the OM even though your marriage was doing great at this time. What is wrong with this picture? If the roles were reversed do you think that you would have been so kind as your husband as been to you?

I am assuming that you had unprotected sex so you and your husband will need to be tested for STD's. You need to ask yourself what gave you permission within you to betray your husband and marriage like you did? Why did you wish to sabotage your marriage and engage in such a hurtful double betrayal of your husband?

Finally, please listen to Melody. What you are doing to the OM's wife is so very cruel and you and your husband do not see this which is very sad.

Whoa there Nellie !!!!!!!

Take-a-look


One of the benefits of this forum is that posters can smell out your bull-crap when you've told yourself a whopping lie.

This quote above is a whopper. You are telling this lie to yourself. You may think it makes you appear less devious.
Don't buy that one.
Truth is, you were waiting for an excuse to cheat with OM because you had allowed (over a period of time) OM to meet some of your intimate ENs.

A "minor disagreement" did not push you into adultery.
You were waiting for an opportunity.
In fact, you might even have instigated the "minor disagreement" in order to justify what you'd been thinking about doing.

It is NOT unusual for someone who is already adultery-minded to instigate trouble at home so they can go have sex with the OP.

Let's be honest. OK?

IF what you wrote is true (and I do not believe it for a second) then you are much too dangerous and impulsive to be anyone's wife.

"I burned the pot roast, so I decided to cheat."
"We ran out of toothpaste, so I decided to cheat."
"My husband has a cold, so I decided to cheat."

It is important for YOUR RECOVERY to look at and correct the lies you tell yourself.

My post is intended to help you recover.

I'd appreciate a response to the points I've made.
Thanks.

You are stalling. We've seen that before. You do understand that the advice won't change, correct? If you talk to your H and come back to us, saying he doesn't think it's a good idea, we won't agree with him and let it go.

I suspect you think we are angry, vengeful people who hate all adulterers and are advising you to do things that will be harmful to you. This is not true. Yes, we hate the action of adultery. But we don't hate YOU. And we're trying to help you and your marriage. Keep that in mind when you read our advice.

Disclosing your actions to your victims is the first step in your recovery. We are telling you this for YOUR benefit and the benefit of your marriage. You may not see it that way now, but it's true. If you were sick and treatment was available to make you well, would you discuss it with your husband before deciding to undergo the treatment?

you are right, i don't see now how affecting the OMW marriage will help mine, but i'll just have to trust you guys on this one. If we traded places, i know if i was the OMW i would like to know. i just forwarded the OMW the NC letter i wrote to the OM, as you adviced my way earlier. It was hard. I wrote it in the terms you told me to. Hard.

You forwarded the NC letter to his wife?? Does this woman have any clue about this affair?

You need to talk to her personally. You need to offer to answer any questions she has about your actions with her husband.

You cannot slip a copy of a NC letter to an unsuspecting wife and call it good. Is this what you did?

once again, right. This was my same conclusion when i was analiziing why i did it. Not easy to accept that to myself because it makes me feel like a criminal plotting her crime, but it is the truth. One of the hardest things Ive been doing here is accepting myself as a cheater. I never tought i could be in this forum.

vkali, did you tell the OMW that you slept with her husband?

yes! The goog news is i have her email password and just deleted the message as soon as I read your post. God, in this matter im clearly not thinking well. I just called her and asked her to meet. Because of the holidays, she told me we could talk next tuesday. Told her it was important but she said she wouldnt have time till tuesday. So till then i could tell you what happened. Should i tell the OM and give him a chance to tell her first and then talk to her?

Call her RIGHT BACK right now and tell her about the affair.