Good Morning,
First i want to say, this is the first time i have visited this forum, and i am so sorry there are so many here compared to other forums, both in post and currently viewing. It is very sad, and i am sorry for all.

I currently have a thread in the marriage 101:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2529752#Post2529752

I just posted there, but here is the quick sitch and i am wondering what i should do given where i am at now.


We have been seperated for almost 15 months now. About a month ago, my wife expressed her desire to reconconcile. Then a week later became distant again. This was when her parents returned from a trip. She has stayed with them the whole time.

I have montitored her email and phone records to see if there was any posssible affair going on.

nothing.

Then on Dec 20th i found email with her lawyer that she has in fact filed for divorce.

Then wednesay night i seen alot of text activity and a phone call yesterday, and it is in fact an older man.

My guess is she feels since she has filed it is ok?

Do i start the exposure porcess? What would be my next step.

She has also decided to send my stepson off to a military school 5 hours away. He is a straight A student now and has no business going to that place. We also have a 2 year old son together.

I have been trying and i have been faithful the whole time not missing any parenting time with my son nor child support.

Any thoughts please?

Ruikee

Could you please give us a quick run down on how you have followed the MB's plan since coming here.

That would be helpful since your other thread is quite lengthy.

nESRE

Basically i have been in Plan A for 14 months. I have been on the show 3 times now. I have been covertly verbally abusive at times before the seperation. I have been in therapy for that weekly for 13 months and am also part of a group called MEVAC for the same amount of time. I have not had an angry outburts in about 11 months and it feels great that i have control over that. Even when provoked by my WW.

Ruikee

14 month plan A with her living elswhere.

Is that right?

With your stepson and 2 year old right?

nESRE

14 month plan A, her living with her parents that is correct.

14 year old stepson, whom i raised since he was 5, and a two year old son together.

Correct.

Ruikee

There is another poster on here who is familiar with the group you referenced MEVAC.

Not sure of the name though because I did not follow his sitch closely.

Maybe someone else knows him. It was something ...Turkey

Hope that helps

nESRE

Yep i know him very well. I am very familiar, but that doesnt answer my question.

Basically, if my wife has in fact filed for divorce, and i am trying to save my marriage, and have been in plan A, and just recently found out she may be starting an affair. what do i do? Do i expose it?

Ruikee, I would not expose it. She has apparently moved on. She has not left your marriage for an affair, she has left because she is done. Since you have been separated over a year you might even get into big legal trouble for spying on her and end up with a stalking charge.

Thanks Melody Lane, it is very sad to hear that but you are probably right.

Thanks for all your help.

Why do you think your Plan A was effective?

Ruikee,
You can always pray to God

You said about a month ago there might have been a "thawing" in her view of your potential future together. Can you give us some details on what was said/done at that time?

Are you still in regular/cooperative communication with her?

I would NOT (obviously) let on that you know about the dissolution action, or the potential OM, for the present. I would suggest you find a way to discuss that recent rapprochement period, and work around to expressing hope that it could be continued/expanded.

At best, it might incent her to reciprocate. At worst, she'll feel empowered enough to reveal her D plans, or even hit you with both that, and the situation with OM. Seriously, fourteen months of Plan A (even Plan A at a distance) has got to lead to a conclusion one way or the other fairly soon.

If the only "recovery" to your situation is going to be dissolution, then waiting another XX months (for ?) would serve no purpose.

I am not sure what you mean, obviously it was not effective if she has filed for divorce. Strange part is she has been telling me that she has all along.....

Thanks, i am in prayer twice a day. Every day, even fasting 2-3 days sometimes. I know he hears my prayer. Unfortunately God does give us all free will.

Thank you

Well it all started when our son was ill, she called to check on him. I told her i was taking him to the doctor in the am. She started talking about being obedient to God. She is tired of living with regrets. Both our boys need a father in their lives. She hates living with her mother.
Then she asked if she could go with me to the doctor, i said of course and we agreed i would pick her up. She shared all kinds of stuff, my heart has really softened for you in the last few weeks. How mean my stepsons father has been to her and him. Her mother suggesting my stepson be sent to military school.


Are you still in regular/cooperative communication with her.

Yes, but only about our son. As soon as her parents came back in town, she became distant again. Always lashing out in anger when i ask about our son. Blaming me for things i can not control. IE sitter being closed for a week, why didnt i tell her. even though the sitter sent out a notice. and had it posted on the sign in sheet.

I would NOT (obviously) let on that you know about the dissolution action, or the potential OM, for the present. I would suggest you find a way to discuss that recent rapprochement period, and work around to expressing hope that it could be continued/expanded.

I did at one point a few weeks ago, and she was very bitter, she said she said some things she shouldnt have and believes there is no way to solve our issues.

At best, it might incent her to reciprocate. At worst, she'll feel empowered enough to reveal her D plans, or even hit you with both that, and the situation with OM. Seriously, fourteen months of Plan A (even Plan A at a distance) has got to lead to a conclusion one way or the other fairly soon.

If the only "recovery" to your situation is going to be dissolution, then waiting another XX months (for ?) would serve no purpose.

I assume you are suggesting i give up? not sure where you are going. I do beleive in a covenant marriage. and I am at peace with remaining faithful and standing. Pouring out my love to my son and setting an example for him.

Please elaborate, i am strong, and can handle anything that may be said.

Please forgive me for not knowing how to do multiple quotes.

Could you maybe put the things that others said in quotes? It's a bit confusing to figure out what lines are your words and which are others when reading a longer post such as this. It could just be me.

Okay, just because your WW filed for a D, doesn't mean that your Plan A wasn't effective. If I am remembering correctly, Plan A ALONE works about 15% of the time. And Plan B is less effective if done after a poor Plan A.

Do you need any help in implementing a good Plan A?

I assume you are suggesting i give up?

No, far from it. But she has some freedom of actions that you should be prepared for. You live in a culture that does not enforce the lifetime commitment that you would personally want to follow in your own marriage. It's not you giving up that I'm recommending; it's recognizing the possibility that she has given up that would be important now. Your actions would be dependent on hers, initially, and you should plan accordingly.

Yes i could use all the help i can get.

Have you already identified her top 5 ENs?

Have you read the thread about the carrot and stick of Plan A by Pepperband?

How long do you Plan on being in Plan A before entering Plan B?

Ruikee,

I am sorry for all you have been going through. If I understand you correctly, you and your W have been physically separated/living apart for over a year and you have been (somehow) monitoring her cellphone records and email for evidence of an affair. Until recently, you found nothing suspicious but lately have uncovered evidence that she's involved/communicating with an OM and has contacted a lawyer to file for divorce. You have been doing a long-distance Plan A throughout and want/wanted to recover your marriage. Correct me if I am wrong, but assuming not there's a few points to make here.

1) It may not matter much at this point, but I wouldn't be so quick to assume that her affair (and that is what it is, no excuses about being separated or "in the process of divorce" are tolerated here) is new. With living apart it would be extremely easy for your WW to open new email accounts or get another cell line, etc. It would also be extremely easy for her to physically see someone else too. Simply, it is tough enough to verify NC (or no affair) with an uncooperative spouse from the same home. There is just no way that you could verify it for certain long-distance w/o access to other communocation venues she could easily obtain w/o your knowledge. So, you could be right but you could also very easily be wrong and she could have been having an affair (or a previous one) all along.

2) Could you tell us something about how the two of you came to be separated? You admit that you had a problem with anger and verbal abuse (and to your credit have worked on that), but was there anything else going on? What were the reasons she gave for leaving? How did it come about? And why was your stepson (HER bio son) left with YOU? Seems strange for a woman to leave her son with an estranged H she feels is abusive and has an anger problem...

3) I ask the above because it isn't uncommon for a WW to physically leave, use the "bad husband/bad marriage" justification, and give the "I just need some space/need to clear my head" excuse, all while she is having a clandestine affair she desperately doesn't want known or revealed. It is also not uncommon for a WW to cake-eat, be ambivalent, and do the "warm-up/cool-down" cycle with her unknowing-BH while she is waiting for her OM to declare himself. In other words, waiting to see if her OM is going to stay with her, leave his wife, offer her some sort of long-term commitment, etc.

4) I agree than Plan A alone--especially w/o exposure--is rarely effective in ending a WW's affair if the OM is reciprocating (and why wouldn't he? He's getting no-strings-attached sex). It's also really, really hard to effectively Plan A--affair or no affair--when a couple is separated. You aren't seeing or talking to each other much so the departed-spouse allows very little opportunity for the left-behind-spouse to deposit love units or demonstrate anti-lovebuster changes. If your W truly left for over a year w/o an OM in the picture to be exposed, I think you did the very best you could with a very bad deal of cards you had to play. She didn't give you much to work with sadly.

If she was indeed having an affair all along, it's probably too late for exposure to do much good. She's already covered her tracks and got all her ducks in a row with her "new relationship" by now. And if she has actually filed for divorce, new affair or old one, she's enacting her plan to move on with OM. I'm sorry but I would lawyer up, fight very hard for your best financial/child settlement, and go dark. Maybe you will get lucky (WWs tend to be VERY stubborn) and she will change her mind to give your marriage another chance if confronted with the prospect of a long and difficult legal battle.

I am very sorry and wish you the best.