I did more snooping and I was able to find OW first and last name (I typed the first letter of her name, copied every address on the list - her name was not in the contact list - and checked every one until I found OW.
I ordered a report on her, so it should be coming soon, and I will have numbers, family names, etc.
Can I call her now and talk to her?

You shouldn't include a timeline in your PBL. You will have conditions for PB to end, and the first most important one is NC with OW(s) for LIFE. I myself will not have any direct communication with my WH unless he ends ALL contact with OW. If that means that I never speak to him again, then so be it.

A polygraph would be a good way to get the O&H you need from him about your past.

You don't have to have ALL of your conditions set out right now, you can be vague about it and state that he would need to show a willingness to do whatever steps you deemed necessary.

estrela, I would present your requirements NOW in a sort of Plan A letter and give him a chance to get on board. If he doesn't, then you should move full speed ahead with plan B. If he refuses to comply, ask him NOW to move out. But FIRST, call the OW and tell her you know all about her affair with your husband and want to hear her side of the story. Act like you know more than you really do to get her talking.

Write him out a letter and tell him that you are not willing to stay in the marriage any longer unless he meets your conditions. Here are your conditions:

1. tells you the full truth about his affairs and passes a polygraph

2. becomes completely transparent and gives you access to his phone and email - changes cell #s so his OW can't call him

3. spends all leisure time with you

4. no more nights apart - EVER

5. no opposite sex friendships

6. committment to go through the Marriage Builders program [and I do mean the professional version - do it yourself has not worked]

7. exposure of his affairs to all family members and close friends

Tell him "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on his willingness and ability to make radical changes. His lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. He is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. He must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed. Unless he makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a husband, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if he won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

One way to put your arms around all of this, as you hand WH your requirements ....

"I will not remain married to you if I cannot respect and admire you."
"I will not remain married to you if you continue to place me in unsafe situations."
"I will not remain married to you if you are dishonest in the slightest."

The report cannot give me OW phone number, so I sent her an e-mail asking her to contact me.
I stopped at the address listed in the report, but she does not live there anymore. The other addresses/phone numbers are also outdated.
I am working on the Plan A/B letter...
Thank you all for your help!

All - this is my modified Plan A letter, which I can give it to him today, either by e-mail or handwritten... Please comment before I send it. Thanks!!!!

Dear WH,

This is a difficult letter for me to write, but I will try to put what�s been on my mind and heart lately. I have written this letter with the true love that only a wife can have for a husband. Please read every word I have written, for it is from the heart. It is truly sad what has happened to our marriage and us.

I want to do whatever I can to put our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way. I want to be able to put the past behind us, and build a better life together for us and the children. I want to be the type of woman that I hope you would be proud to call your wife; the same pride I felt so many times when I called you my husband.

This has been a difficult time for me, all the trauma we went through before returning to my life like a nightmare. We seemed to be in a recovered marriage, but only to slip and fail again. The memories of all good times that we have spent together travelling and parenting the kids fill me with hope that we will be together, happy again. Unfortunately, I now find those thoughts and feelings slowly fading away.

I am still willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. With all of my heart, I would like to build a new marriage with you. One, in which we both feel loved, safe and honored. I simply cannot continue my efforts to rebuild our marriage while you are still denying having been involved with another woman. All the lies have become too painful. We can only start to rebuild our marriage -- together -- when you decide to be completely honest with me and agree to changes in our lifestyle.

I want us to be a team, and restore our marriage together. Look inside yourself and find the strength we will need to do this. I won't take the opportunity to reconcile lightly and hope you wouldn't either.
For reconciliation to happen I would need the following from you before making a commitment to reconcile:

- You need to send a Non-Contact letter to the other woman (and I need to see you doing it), and never talk to her or see her again;
- You need to tell me the full truth about your affairs;
- You need to become completely transparent and give me access to your phone and emails;
- All leisure time should be spent together;
- No more nights apart � EVER;
- No opposite sex friendships;
- No more going out at night by yourself;
- Commitment to go through the marriage builders therapy, the whole way, no giving up when it becomes hard;
- Exposure of your affairs to all family members and close friends;
This is what it will take to keep me in this marriage.

I want to grow old with you. I loved you more than life itself while we were together, and I continue to do so as I write this. When you find yourself ready and willing to truly and fully commit to our family, willing to work on a plan for our recovery, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future.

I cannot continue to live a normal life with you and pretend to be happy. I am so sad and miserable right now.
"I will not remain married to you if I cannot respect and admire you."
"I will not remain married to you if you continue to place me in unsafe situations."
"I will not remain married to you if you are dishonest in the slightest."

Love,

Wife

Estrela, there are 2 letters you need to send. Send one with your conditions before you send a plan B letter. You can't send a Plan B letter until he moves out. But this letter will give him your conditions.

OK, thanks.

I wrote the letter. Problem is that I had a major LB just now.
We were at friends house for New Year dinner, with the kids. 3 couples, one of them just had a baby.
Anyway, we started to talk about religion, and WH said that in judaism (we are jewish), things are easier for men than in the catholic religion. He mentioned that a relgious man is allowed to have affairs and go to prostitutes, it is not against the religion. This made my blood boil. I asked what about the commandment on adultery. He said that it is not adultery, just not desire the woman of your neighbor. I got so mad and said in front of all "so that's how you justify what you do". He became very quiet after that, the new year came and went, he did not say anything one way or another.
We are sleeping in separate beds, so now I wrote the letter, and not sure if should give to him right away or wait till things calm down.
I really appreciate all the guidance and advice I am getting here. I also called Dr. Harley's appointment line and left a message earlier today.
BTW, Happy 2012!

Happy New Year, Estrela. Sorry you had a rough evening.

I would give him the letter today.

Hi Mel - Happy New Year. God bless you for all the help you've been giving me.
I gave him the letter this morning. Waited for an hour or two. Nothing. A friend who knows about the A just called me for a walk/talk. I went to ask him if he would be home with the kids while I was gone. He said he was not planning to leave the house until tomorrow morning. Then, tooking this as a good sign, I asked him about the letter. He said it was not acceptable. I asked what exactly was not acceptable. He took the paper and crossed out noncontact letter, complete transparency, leisure time together, no more nights apart, opposite sex frieds, exposure to friends, testing for stds. I think what remained was never to contact OW, going out at night by himself and commitment to therapy. I denied again anything happened with OW. I asked him then to leave. He refused. He told me to move out. I said that if we are not together, what was the point of him staying here, for convinience? Then he said, ok I will look for a house, just leave me alone (very romantic).
I do not think he will move by himself, so in my meeting with the lawyer next Thursday I will work some legal way to do it.
And then to Plan B, which looks like an oasis right now. I know it won't be easy for me and the kids...

Estrela, you did really good! You see, he doesn't believe you really mean it and is testing you to see if you do. He thinks your conditions might be negotiable. They are not. He is in no position to negotiate.

He has been wayward for so long that it will take some time for it to sink in with him. You should go ahead and contact the lawyer on Thursday and get things going so you have legal protection. Tell the lawyer that you need your H to be legally removed and compelled to continue paying your bills.

And I know Plan B will not be easy, but living in this uncertainty with your H leading a secret second life will be much, much harder. It will be a nightmare. Whereas, in Plan B you will start feeling much better in a couple of weeks with him not around.

I would continue to bring up his leaving to him. Ask him how long it will take for him leave. Tell him his presence causes you a great deal of pain and ask him to leave sooner.

I would also tell any children over age 4 what is going on. Tell them their father is having ANOTHER affair and will not change his lifestyle. Tell them how painful his affairs have been to you. They should know everything that is going on.

I would continue to bring up his leaving to him. Ask him how long it will take for him leave. Tell him his presence causes you a great deal of pain and ask him to leave sooner.

But do a painstaking risk/reward analysis on this. The odds that your WH is going to miraculously decide to do the decent thing and leave before Thursday are probably lower than his deciding to do something irrational and violent, or at least punitive. His secure world is about to take a serious blow, so "read" him before pestering him to leave.

The reason I told her to do this, is because they often DO leave when the BS continually brings it up. It takes more than one request. At first they don't believe the BS is serious, and that this will blow over, so when she continually brings it up, she indicates that she is very serious. Bringing it up tells him this is not going to blow over.

Estrela, be a broken record and continue to bring this up. You might even do what Scotland did and pack up his bags. Keep the pressure up.

This can be very effective - it's a physical display of the BS's seriousness.

I have "a face" in my tool box ...
This particular face is reserved for only the most serious 'you-better-pay-special-attention-buckaroo' situations.
This scary face frightens zombies into submission.
If you have such a face in your arsenal, use it.

"You will be leaving this house today.
You will not return until it is safe for me to be around you.
And, visa versa. Leave, now."

Listen to Pep. Better words couldn't possibly have been used in this instance.

I went to talk to him. Asked him when he was leaving. Told him the earlier the better, as this situation is too painful for me and time apart will allow us both to see things clearly.
He said he will leave soon. I asked this week? He said he will try.
S-it, I feel so bad about it, I am starting to have doubts. Will I not be pushing him away when he goes?
I know the answer, but please tell me again.

Your doing what is right for you and your family . Your husband has a choice and he has decided not to commit to a full trusting marriage, your choice is to remove the source of your hurt - him.

EStrela, try and stay focused on the end goal. You do not have a marriage unless he will agree to your conditions. If he will not agree to those conditions, you will live a life of hell that will be filled with more affairs. That is a death of a thousand cuts that will eventually lead to divorce. The only chance you have is to raise your standards and make sure that the only way he stays is if he behaves in a way that protects you and makes your marriage possible.

You are in this horrible place because you did not do this before. If he won't agree to your conditions then you will have lost nothing except a life of hell where you wait and worry every day. This can come out 3 ways:

1. he agrees to your conditions and you end up with a happy, safe marriage

2. he leaves and you go into Plan B for 2 years

3. he stays and refuses to change while he continues to go out and play around, driving you slowly crazy

Which one do you want?