Thanks NG. Very thoughtful of you to think of me right before midnight on NYE.

I wish you an even more successful 2012. Thanks for sharing your story with us at your 2yr mark last June.

As my one year D-Day approaches, my wife remains stubborn and resolute in her desire for Plan D.

My door is still open for Full recovery and a full marriage. I have been active in changing myself to be a better man, husband, father, friend, employee and a healthier person. I get a lot of compliments from family, friends and colleagues. So I feel good about my journey. I have sessions paid for and ready with Steve Harley. But she refuses to speak with him again. We have our current MC, but she wants to use him as a dissolution counselor now. I do not agree. I am saddened by my wife's struggles. I am still here to love and meet her needs. But she swears she is done. She doesn't have it all figured out (plans for living and expenses, etc) I think she is winging it. Hoping I help her make a soft landing. There us a lot of greatness in our family and marriage. But alas, she "is not happy."

I will continue to tell her I want to Recover our marriage-to fullness. I think the roadblock is her willingness to change her thought patterns. Hopelessnes/helplessness/depression. I have done a lot of personal work to evaluate myself and be a newer person. I dont think she has. All her work seems to be about asserting herself, standing up to external factors, enforcing her "boundaries" with other people. In other words, she is fine and comfortable with who she is. She doesnt want to do hard work.

For now, she says she needs to find a $3,000 retainer and file. We'll see. I am going to make her do Plan Divorce on her own. I suggest that she leaves the house. But she wont. A lawyer told her to stay in the house. Frustrating. She neglects me while I try hard every day to meet her needs and avoid LBs. And she spends money.

I will talk to Steve on my own. And to my lawyers. When she files, I hope there is a way to force a separation. Lots to learn. But at least I will plan this and think it through more carefully than her. Her plan in this relationship has been to wing it, seat of her pants, constant mind changing. And who has always been standing by, ready to support and tell her its okay and come up with a bail out when needed? Me. Not for this. It will be rough. And she will perhaps get sad and dispirited, and want to boo hoo with me. I wont be there for those needs anymore. I think she is in for a shock and a hard fall. Maybe not. I gotta take care of myself and my four children.

Do you have any joint credit cards? I'd get her name off of your cards and your name of off her cards. It only takes a few minutes on the phone. Now, past marital debt is still marital debt and you'd be responsible for some of it (at least down here) but if she's pursuing a divorce and spending money all over the place, you'd probably have a shot at not being responsible for that.

Cover your rear, in other words, as you shouldn't be paying for her to divorce you.

Is she employed?

At some point, you're going to have to cut off the flow of money if she isn't going to stay married to you. I'd consult that attorney sooner than later so you'll know where you stand. I know, it's a tough decision to make as it may seem like you are giving up. But it's not giving up--you're just getting information to protect yourself.

You need to get her out of the house as I doubt any other wake-up call will be noticed.

Well, Stretch, you sound great - firm and knowledgeable about what should be done. Regardless of what random path WW chooses to tread, the work done ON Stretch BY Stretch will be effort well spent. If WW is not to be the female beneficiary of your progress, it's fairly likely some other woman would be.

I suggest that she leaves the house. But she won't.

But, given this development, may I now claim the "Karnac the Magnificent Prophecy Award"?

(Given the sad state of our global economy any organization, even MB, having a decent "prophet" is cause for celebration!)

Stretch, when is she moving out? I thought she was going to leave in January.

That was always my idea. I wanted deep, dark total separation in Jan. Meaning, Lets meet in the driveway on Sunday afternoon each week. Her idea is for us to sell the house together, split up the proceeds and get our own houses. She even suggested I help her downsize and move her in.

But I realized weeks ago that I intend to keep the house. I am not leaving the marriage. I feel so much better making that decision. No need to sell. Such a burden off my mind. Better for the kids too.

So now, I need to ask her to leave and I guess she can say, No. After she files.... I wonder what can be done. If she files, I want total separation, immediately.

Research to do.

So nothing is going to change. All the plans mean nothing.

Have you spoken again with Steve? What does he advise you? It sounds to me like her plan is working perfectly. For her. And it won't be changing until she decides she wants it to. You are now officially in Plan Doormat.

I'm not a legal or divorce expert but perhaps you should beat her to the punch and file first? That would give you more control over the pacing of it all and maybe you can request the house?

I know it seems counter-intuitive but making the first move might just give you a leg up legally but also might serve to shock her into the reality of what's about to happen.

So, what would you suggest?

Steve overrides all of us obviously, but I say full marriage or full divorce.

She can participate or don't let the door hit her in the rear on the way out. I bristle at the word DOORMAT now.

File.

Hows it going Stretch?

Gonna get a divorce.
Keeping the house.
She said she will file in the next month. I said, "please do it. For the love of God, do it. End this torture."
Boy did she cry a lot. And I am not much affected. She is upset the kids will perceive that mom left. Well, she did. She left Dad. But not the kids.
I declared I want a full divorce. I am All In or All Out. I know in hindsight it took too long for me to get here. Wish i had the strength months ago.

Also, I said in MC that I am not listing the house, nor filing. I am open to marriage recovery. But Full Recovery. I know there would be conditions from me next time, if there is a next time. And there might be... but not untill she tries to survive total separation.

Total separation..... works like this I think.

File
Tell the kids
Then get out

Of course she cried. Spoiled, entitled people just hate having to stare 'big-people' stuff in the face. She's had it very cushy with you, Stretch. Her day of reckoning is coming.

Don't lower your bar.

What's the date for her to be out of the house? Don't have one? Get one.

What MB just said...

February 37th, probably, if you ask WW.

Stretch, push for a date as it's the only way to make her make a decision one way or the other.

Also, let us know how your finances are. I'd really suggest getting an attorney on board so that you aren't paying for her to see a lawyer. Maybe you can preempt her "filing" by getting some kind of financial agreement in place. I don't know how that would be done, but I think you need to cover yourself here. If she wants out, that means no more playtime money from stretch.

Know what I mean?

She is cashing in a life ins policy her parents got her as achild and a roth from her only job the first year out of college.

She said, "keep track of the puppy expenses including neutering and take it out of the settlement."

I asked her to have a plan to moveout by mar 1.

Her reply, "not in my best interest. I dont know my financing yet. I dont know what kind of mortgage i can get until paperwork is done."

Me:"you have been thinking about his for three years, so make a plan fast."

I think we need to file fast and tell the kids and very quickly assimilate to what the long term divorce will look like. That may mean renting an appt. Yes it would be Stretch money. But I can have a lawyer lo ball a spousal support dollar amt .

"It feels like you're kicking me out."

Me:" A lot of men would. I am not. But you said you want to leave. You need to leave soon. I can't stand to have you around here for months. It hurts. I am drawn to you. I can't have these pleasant, caring days and friendly moments."

She wanted to take daughter's bed in basement. You can't kick her out of her room. So she said she will sleep on the couch and maybe in bed sometimes. Yuck. I want her romantically. Its torture.

I left it at: make a plan for moving out soon.

I'm going to keep an eye on your thread, Stretch, but I'm going to stop posting you. I'll concentrate on the posters who really want to control their marriage and their lives. You do not. You have signed on to Plan Hope with a vengence, and that is obvious. It is clear that you plan to keep the light on for your wife forever. She knows that, and is taking total advantage of it. You've lowered your bar to the point of non-existence. "Make a plan for moving out soon"?? Wasn't that already done, where she was supposed to be out in January??

Years ago, before I married, I dated a guy whose parents had an interesting living situation. His mother decided, after the birth of their two children, that she was all done sexually with her husband. Evidently she only needed him for procreation. So her husband slept in one room and she slept in another. They led independent lives, coming together only long enough to discuss things that had to do with their kids. The kids thought it was incredibly weird, but it became 'normal' for their family. I see this happening for you. Which means you're going to get screwed and not have the marital life you deserve. I hope I'm wrong. I'll be watching.

I still wonder sometimes if those two people are living their separate lives under the same roof.

So you would demand she leave. Forcibly. How does that work?
"I kick you out."
"I wont leave"

.....?

How much is the Roth IRA?

Keep track of these things.

Talk to a damn lawyer, stretch. This woman is liable to screw you over the first chance she gets.


Stretch: "WW, that's too bad that you're unprepared for the divorce that you want. If you want to leave me and the kids, then you need to leave this house tonight and file for a divorce because I am flat-out DONE with all of this. Your keeping us in this perpetual drama is bad for me and the kids and you need to do something right now. Me and the kids need some stability in our lives and your continual back and forth has got to stop. We cannot live like this any longer, so if you want to leave us, then please leave immediately."

I'd then make an appointment with an attorney first thing next week and file for a divorce, sole use of the house, no alimony, no kitchen sink, let her keep the dogs, whatever your attorney can throw together. In the end, she wants the divorce so it doesn't matter who initiates it. She's obviously unprepared and wanting to skate along with this in some half-assed fashion.

That way, you'll have more control over this and will be in a better position to get things to your liking.

Otherwise, with her at the wheel, you'll be constantly trying to respond and play catch-up.

She's unprepared and, stupidly, given away her moves. Take advantage of it, because she'd sure as hell do it to you. In December we predicted that the January move-out would never come. Now it's March?

I predict she'll fold, but only when faced with the bottom of the pit. Right now, she isn't seeing it so that part is up to you.

Don't you dare offer to finance any of her leaving. Ok?

Get an attorney, man. It's time to cover your rear. It doesn't have to be forever, and it doesn't mean that you'll actually divorce, but you're in a better position if you're in control of this.

Oh, and then Plan B (albeit without an OM) once you file for the divorce.