Hello,
I'm new to this forum. This is my first post. Two days before Christmas, I discovered cell phone records between my H and OW. I was at work, had to leave. Got straight to a computer and discovered phone records between the two of them since June 2010. Tens of thousands of texts/phone calls. This is as far back as the cell phone company would go on the statements. I decided to play it cool through Christmas for the sake of our two boys, and the rest of our families. I hired a PI. Nothing discovered. Unbeknownst to me, the OW had confessed about the EA to her H. As a matter of fact, the OW's H is doing some electrical work on a new house being built next to us. He called my H over there to help him out with something. I had a gut feeling that this was a confrontation. It was, but I didn't know it that night. We are friends with this couple(not close friends), but they have two boys as well, so we know them from activities/sports that our kids are involved in.
OW's BFF contacted me two nights ago and said OW wanted to talk. OW found out I knew. I said no, of course.
Went home, confronted H, denied for a couple of hours. Tried to turn it around on me, b/c I had EA 6 years ago. We went to counseling, renewed our vows, had another child together, and thought we were happy(somewhat). We've fallen back into a rut after 14 years of marriage, but I would never guess this is what my H was up to. He's opened up to me the last 24 hrs about it being just texts/phone calls. He admitted he loves her, and that she lied to him, b/c she led him to believe she didn't love her H, and is miserable. They both deny any physical involvement. I'm not so sure. My H and I haven't had sex in several months. This was the first red flag for me. H isn't sure about going back to counseling again. No faith in it. I'm going alone. I'm hoping he will come around, but I think he's mourning the loss of their relationship. She's asked her H to tell my H not to call / text anymore. I believe they'll find a way. We are staying strong for our boys, but not sure how long we can hold up. Is it too soon for him to give me an answer about whether he wants to stay in marriage or not? He can't give direct answer. I've asked him politely to leave for a few weeks so we can clear our heads. I told him I wouldn't keep him from seeing our boys. He just looked at me blankly. H is sleeping on the couch. Not sure where to go from here.
Sorry this is so long......

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is very important that you read all the information on this site. Exposure is the most important. And absolutely no contact. You cannot even begin recovery until then. Please take care of yourself

I am sorry for your pain.
I also the victim of an affair.
The first step I took was reading Surviving an Affair. You can buy this book at the bookstore, from this website or I bought mine used from Amazon.
You must assume the affair is ongoing until yoour husband takes steps outlined in the book. The first step he must take is writing a No Contact (NC) letter to the Other Woman. This letter should express remorse for the pain and sufffering he has caused you and his family and express that he loves his wife and will try to be a good husband; and that he will never see or speak to her again.
Persons involved in affairs are like addicts; they need to be kept seperate forever. He must do whatever is necessary to avoid seeing or having any contact with this woman for the rest of your marriage.
In the meantime, you should try to meet as many of his emotional needs as possible; this means that sex should be a regular event.
Its probably very difficult but The SAA book identifies sex as mens #1 emotional need. But make sure you use protection, he may have an STD. The second emotional need for most men is sharing recreational activities. Do you participate in your husbands rec activities?
What SAA book outlines is a plan to STRONGLY oppose the affair, while creating a loving environment for your husband in your home.

OR, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am so sorry this has happened to you. There is a very specific path to recover from an affair and it is outlined in Dr Harley's book, Survivng an Affair. It explains the dynamics of adultery and shows you how to recover.

There are some steps I would recommend to you in your situation. First, I would expose the affair. Exposing the affair gives you the support you need and will help your husband wake up from his fog. It will motivate him to work on your marriage and be able to see how ridiculous he was for risking his family all over some cheap twat. So expose the affair to close family members and ask for their support. Ask his mother to speak to him. Tell your children what he has done and encourage them to speak to him. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist who specializes in recovering marriages after adultery and here is what he says about exposure:



That is your best chance of recovery. Call your close family members, tell them about the affair and ask to speak to your husband. Sit your kids down by yourself, tell them all about the affair. Giving the kids false explanations for the source of tension in your home teaches them dishonesty.

Once you do this, I would then sit your husband down and have a chat with him. Explain to him that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell him you are willing to give him an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. end all contact with the OW for life - send a no contact letter that is written together, approved by you and mailed by you

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about the affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to the Marriage Builders program to restore the romantic love in your marriage

Tell him "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on his willingness and ability to make radical changes. His lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. He is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. He must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed. Unless he makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a husband, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if he won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

The important issue is what your answer is. Will he do what it takes to EARN your forgiveness? If he doesn't agree to do that, then you are right in asking him to leave. Tell him that YOU won't stay in the marriage unless he meets your conditions.

Are you in contact with the OWs husband? I would stay in touch with him constantly until this affair is killed off.

He is still resisting counseling. I feel like he will come around. I'm going anyway. First appt. is Friday. Still sleeping on sofa. He showed more remorse last night since confrontation. Says he wants to work it out. Coming around, but very slowly......

Counseling is a complete waste of time so long as the affair is still active. The affair is still active.

You need to contact OWH. Talk to him and compare notes. The odds are very high that your H�s affair is physical with this woman.

You need to make sure they never contact each other ever again. This starts with exposure.

You�re focusing too much on counseling. That�s a waste of time if an affair is still ongoing. You want counseling? Call the Harleys. Don�t waste your time on people who will advise your H to do what he needs to to be happy and who will then accuse you of being too controlling and demanding.

Right now you need to Plan A. You�re looking to jump the gun into Plan B. You can�t save your marriage while separated. So stop with the �leave the house� talk if your goal is to save your marriage.

OWH can be your biggest ally in this mess. Compare notes with him and start spying some more to gather more evidence.

But you and this other couple can no longer hang out together.

He is correct.

Marriage counseling DURING an affair is like making floor repairs while the house is on fire.

Step one .... the affair must stop and there must be NO CONTACT what-so-ever.

Step two through infinity .... Work the MARRIAGE BUILDING program to restore the marriage.

OR --

Exposure is very important. But while you are planning exposure and gathering your resources -- you should be starting Plan A.

Are you familiar with the 10 emotional needs? YOu can find them on this website. Plan A is recognizing that OW found a weakness in your marriage. When your marriage falls into a rut, there are often unmet needs. This left an opening for OW to step in and meet those 2 or 3 needs that are probably most important to your husband.

That made deposits in his lovebank -- and its why he feels like he "loves" her. You can get back in the game and replace her.
Start by identifying the needs she was meeting, and get back to meeting them (you very likely did before!!)

Show him that he is not coming back to an unfulfilling marriage.
Thats why he's dragging his feet -- because he thinks he's giving up the one who makes him feel good -- to go back to the marriage that was humdrum and that he will be missing out on those exciting emotional needs.

This is where you start. This is your plan!

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

I'm going to counseling for me right now. However, he's agreed to go. I think his reluctance is a "pride" issue, as with all males.
I need more info on lovebusters, and meeting his emotional needs. I'm trying to be the wife he would like to come home to.
I DO NOT think the A is still ongoing. For one,the OW is ashamed, humiliated, and scared of me. She's knows she's messed with the wrong person. I can be hell on wheels. We live in a small "clickish" community, with judgemental people. I know me and my H are not the only couple going through this.
As for the OH, I've tried repeatedly to call/text him about keeping in touch to make sure our spouses do not communicate. He's had his WW wife's number blocked from my WH's cell phone. My WH is very angry at her, and I don't know if this is good or bad. I know that there are many emotions that come with love, and anger/hatred can be one of them, but it won't last.
The OW's H will not communicate with me at all. He did the first few days after exposure of the EA. Now he's not answering calls/texts. I'm finished with them. I'm not worried about whether their marriage survives or not. I'm only interested in meeting my husbands needs right now, without seeming like a pushover.
Any advive please......it's been 6 days since confrontatioon....

Hope this helps. Welcome to Marriage Builders.

nESRE

Thinking of putting GPS on his phone, and mine too. Thought about secretly putting gps or some sort of other device on his phone in secret..... With it on both our phones, we'd both know where the other one is at at all times......

Will look at lovebusters link. Thank you.

Yes the entire community knows about their EA..........

Thought about using the Harley's online counseling...... However, at my place of employment , we have a contract with a mental health center here in town. So the counseling is free!!!!!

Having been in sales all my life, I've learned a lot of valuable lessons. But the one lesson I learned very early on, and has been proven oh so true COUNTLESS times over the years is this;

The best price is very seldom the best buy.

Think about it

We've been through both traditional counseling and the Online MB program and the best, hands down, is MB. The MB information is targeted specifically toward building romantic love by meeting your spouse's specific emotional needs and avoiding love busters, such as independent behavior, that destroy romantic love.

Our counselors didn't even address the subject of extraordinary precautions or the conditions leading up to the affairs. I look back at that time and am really shocked that I was told I needed to trust my H again when nothing at all had changed. We discussed communication techniques, which didn't help build our love for each other. I suppose it helped us be polite, WHEN we remembered to use the techniques AFTER we were already upset with each other over yet another love buster.

Traditional MC has an 84% failure rate.

At the least, before going with the free program, ask if they understand and teach MB principles. Otherwise, the counseling really won't be worth your time....even if it's free.

I do have access to his phone. He gave me the security log in code. I never pick it up, but have access to the account online, so I know every phone call he makes/receives, and texts as well.
I'm at work right now, trying to read the lovebusters, and print out the questionnaire form.
YES I have exposed it to the community. Not through facebook or anything like that, but in a small community, word spreads fast. There are some mutual friends of ours, that seem to be taking "her side" in all of this. It's frustrating, because she's such a fake and a phony, and nobody can the see who she really is. She's obviously got everyone fooled. This is not her first time to do this, from what I understand from other sources. She grew up in this community, and has alot of support, but I didn't. Feels like I'm an outsider. This is going to be really hard when baseball starts up in the Spring.

How much does the Harley's MB counseling cost??

OR

Not sure of the costs and there are options such as phone and online.

You can check here.


Coaching Center


Their only business is marriages and infidelity. They are the experts.

A few sesions with them may be well worth the price of getting your M back on track. Since your WH seems to be on board now may be the time.

Best of luck. Let us know what you decide to do.

nESRE