This is very true. While I consider myself fully recovered from my mother's divorce, that is only because I do not see her at all, and it is still a loss that affects me to this day, decades later. It has repercussions for my marriage and for my children, just in the way it modified my brain in formative years.


But if I am right, struggling does not see that as a problem, because she sees that what happened is a good thing. Is that right, struggling? And you would be happy for your children to take the same path you took? They can try a marriage, if they want, but if it doesn't work out the first time, just try again with someone who makes you happy?

No, I am not with the OM and never was. I understand that this is not the ideal situation for my two children, but the damage has been done and no I will not reconcile with my husband...therefore, I must work to make the best life for my children and myself from this point forward.

That being the case, I would start with that article I posted, and see what lessons the infidelity taught your children, and start seeing about how you can try to counteract that and teach them the opposite, to give them the best chance possible of a happy future.

Given the ages of your kids ....


I strongly urge you not to date.
Focus all your love and energy on the kids.
You will never regret doing that.

I appreciate the article you posted markos and will put serious emphasis on addressing these issues in my children's lives.

Why won't you reconcile with your husband? The new OM (OM#2) in your life, how is that working for you?

You would rather spend all your energy falling in love with a new man versus falling back in love with your husband?

If OM#2 doesn't work out, then will you spend the same amount of energy falling in love with a new man versus your husband?

From my perspective .... What's missing here ....

It's not so much about the falling in love with this or that man (as important as that is) ... Anyone with a love bank can fall in love. Any woman who is capable of meeting the needs of a man might have a man fall in love with her.
Getting men to fall in love with you is not difficult.
Getting a man to fall in love with you does not test your integrity.
I know a woman who has married and divorced 8 times. Men fall in love with her so easily. So what?

Life (capital L) ....
It's about what makes us good and decent people.
Part of that is honoring ourselves.
One way we honor ourselves is to honor our vows.
To learn and grow.
To admit failures/errors/mistakes then do the difficult and humbling work of making amends.

LIFE (with a capital L) is bigger than what man we fall for.

Falling in love with a new man is easy. Not noble, easy.
Repairing and making amends is much more demanding of our hearts and our minds, and eventually our soul.

Walking away from a family situation before exhausting EVERY opportunity to keep the family together is, dishonorable. Also, often the product of a lazy attitude.

I hate the phrase "moving on". To me, it implies leaving the mess we made behind and finding a new spot to pitch our tent and make a new mess. Then, when that mess becomes uncomfortable, we "move on" once more. Not wanting to do the work/effort it takes to honor ourselves, our vows, our children's family ....

People who are lazy "move on" with no attempt to repair what they broke. Or, when the effort becomes too demanding they toss their hat in the fire "I give up."

I'm sick of this attitude.
I'm sick of children being raised under this umbrella of "moving on".

College was hard.
Graduate school was hard.
My job was hard.
Marriage is hard.
Raising kids is hard.

But, guess what? I VOLUNTEERED for all of it.
So I best shut up and do my best and take life as it comes at me.

"I just want to be happy" is no great goal either.

I am much more impressed by "I vow to be good and decent and loving, and to try my best when things get tough."

Wow .... an actual rant.

Great post! Not much to add to that.

Pepperband...wow. Great post!

strugglin~

If you "understand that this is not the ideal situation for my two children" -- then WHY are you willing to go through with it?

Because you aren't "happy"?

Can you look them both in the eye and tell them that you are willing to sacrifice their safety, security and the best chance for a successful future because you aren't "happy"?

You loved your husband before, therefore it IS possible to love him again -- guaranteed.

Knowing it is best for your children for you and IS to stay married, I ask you, as one mother to another -- Why aren't you willing to try?

Mrs. W

P.S. When it comes to "happiness", I think the comedian Denis Leary summed it up pretty darn good years ago on his "No Cure for Cancer" album. I am going to quote him, but I will have to paraphrase and/or *bleep* out a lot of it due to language. I hope this makes you laugh, strugglin, but I also hope it makes you think too.

"Happiness" is great and all, but it isn't supposed to be the ultimate goal in life, just like Pep so eloquently outlined for you in one of her posts. I have found that I have more happiness in my life since I quit focusing on it as a goal -- strive for honor -- integrity -- fulfilling your life's commitments [you know -- the ones YOU chose] -- doing THAT stuff leads to contentment, and guess what I discovered? Turns out content people are the happiest people of all!

Onto Denis Leary:

Call me lazy, call it what you will. I left a bad relationship and have NO desire to go back. I feel extreme relief to not be in that situation. We were not good together and in the true reality of life one must acknowledge that this is a possibility. Yes I did it in a pathetic manner and I made a TON of mistakes, but I am solely the chief designer of my life and looking back I am in a much better place than I was. Guided by intuition, and you may deny that this exists, I could no longer endure the entrapment I felt in my current state. So, from this point forward, I look to learn from the past that, good or bad, has shaped me into the person that I am today and strive for the best possible life for me and my children. Call me a failure, call me lazy, call me unrepentent, whatever it may be, but I did what I felt was right for me at the time and for that I have no regrets.

I refuse to let that lie slide, struggling. You left a relationship with a willing husband who was changing for you. You just weren't willing to change for him. That is not a bad relationship. You were very lucky to have him, and if both of you had been willing to follow this program, you could have had a spectacular relationship. He was willing, and you were not.

Let's strive for honesty, okay? You learned what work is required in order to have a good relationship, and you are not willing to put it in.

Okay markos, perfect. You are exactly right. I was not willing to make the changes that he suggested for us to be "happy" for numerous reasons.

Why can you make those changes for a "new man"?

Are you not ever going to make the changes, and men just get you "AS-IS"?

How is a new relationship different than what you just left?

That's what gets me about the whole situation. IS was willing to make changes, he was willing to take you back after what you did to him.

There are a lot of people walking around out there in the real world who don't have happy marriages. A lot of people who aren't "in love" anymore. The thing about MB, though, is that "bad" marriages can be turned around. It may not have worked for my marriage, too much water under the bridge, but I see the logic in it, and I still believe it is a viable program.

As has been pointed out to me, MB is not about "marriage at all costs," and it takes two willing partners. In my case, my BH was/is unwilling. In yours, you were the unwilling one.

Which is why I know part of my issue with your posts here, struggling, is simply the frustration I have over how you gave up what I've been working the last two years to earn, a second chance. I'd love to give my daughters a home where Mommy and Daddy are happy and in love with each other, instead of the tense atmosphere we have now. Just wish I'd had the chance, you know? I didn't have a good marriage pre-A either, but I understand WHY. It was not that we "weren't good together," it was b/c we didn't know HOW to have a good marriage. We came into it not knowing what to do to maintain our romantic feelings for each other. I think if we'd both been willing, MB could have restored our M. Just wish I'd found it before I committed adultery. Because my husband loved me once, just as IS loved you.

Any relationship takes work, whether it is falling (and staying) in love, maintaining a friendship, getting along with co-workers or taking care of family obligations. If you find one that is absolutely trouble-free, let me know.

How is this taking responsibility for what you did?

I think that is the plan, Pray. I may be reading struggling wrong, but I think what she is saying is that she doesn't want to be in a relationship that makes big demands on her, because she doesn't want to be controlled in that way. She is looking instead for a relationship where she and her partner are naturally good for each other and it will not require so much change from her.

Do I have that right, struggling?

EGG ZAK LEE !!!

Same with my marriage.
If anyone told me 16 years ago we could rebuild something so wonderful after something so awful .... I'd have told them they were nutz.


My, my, WPG .... I must stand back and admire you. Hope you don't mind.

There is WAAAAAAAYYYY too much damage done for us to EVER reconcile. Not a chance, no way, no how. And no, I don't expect a man to accept me as I am, however I will not be controlled like a puppet. There is a happy medium. And yes I agree that if both partners are more alike, have the same interests, same goals, etc...it is easier to maintain a "natural" relationship. My stbx had none of those the same.