Tonight was the first meeting of a Christian divorce program that I'm attending. In many ways, it was great -- informative, supportive, uplifting, and real; but I noticed something that has me wondering.

The participants introduced themselves and talked about trauma and how they feel like basket cases most of the time. It was gut-wrenching to hear some of them speak from their hearts about how they feel their world has been turned upside down. We then watched a video in which people talked about their divorces in the same way. Many experts also added guidance and advice and compared divorce to heart surgery. They talked about the healing time being around five years.

I hope I don't sound flippant about my divorce, because it is certainly not a picnic. I have my days when I feel guilt, anger, sadness and all the other emotions. However, for the most part, I feel a burden has been lifted. I am so sad that our marriage has not been a happy one, but you know what? I'm not suffering crippling emotional distress. I'm not physically ill from the stress. I'm not dying from this!

So, here's what I am wondering about. I think I was emotionally divorced these past few years -- ok, I know I was. And it was a pretty awful process for me.

So, do you suppose I've already gone through much of the "natural, normal" process of suffering and grief that is experienced when one divorces? Or, do you think it's more likely I'm one of those people the experts mentioned who are in denial?

Is this a stupid question? I guess what I'm asking is: is it possible that the work I've already done over the past few years has put me further along in the healing process, and that I am not facing that debilitating grief that I feared and that some other people seem to experience during the actual divorce process? Could it be that this is as bad as it will get for me? Or, am I fooling myself?

I think it's possible that you're further along than some people. You'll figure it out as time goes by. I'm like you in that I processed a lot of my grief about the marriage during the marriage. The last few years of my marriage were really, really horrible. My husband managed to destroy my love for him. I guess you could say that the love bank was at zero. (Or maybe it was overdrawn.)

As I went through my divorce, I was mostly processing grief about how all this has affected the children. I felt very guilty for staying in the marriage as long as I did because my kids have a lot of emotional scars.

I have gone to divorce recovery programs at two different churches, and I have seen what you're talking about. I believe those people thought their marriage was just going through a rough patch and that it would get better soon. Or they may have even been in denial that things were a little off. But their spouse has decided he (or she) is "in love" with someone else and wants out. That's a huge shock. They are at the very beginning of recovery.

In my case, my WXH moved out of the house the first time in October of '08. He came back in December of that year and then moved out again in August of '09. My divorce was final in March of last year. I had known for CERTAIN that my marriage was in really bad shape long before the divorce was filed. I knew that he was "in love" with the other woman before he moved out the first time.

ACK! I've gotta take the kids to school. I'll come back to this later. I have more thoughts.

My wife stopped meeting my EN's about four years ago. I never fell out of love, but being deprived took a heavy toll. My love for her was almost completely obliterated when I discovered her affair this summer, and when she made the decision to leave me and the kids for him. The year has been devastating. A part of me knows I'm better off, yet the bigger part of me grieves the loss of the love of my life and the shattered dreams and ideals of one family and one marriage partner for life.

I'm not placing all the blame on my STBX. I did my part to ruin things; however, I understand that a bad marriage can recover and become great again when the MB principles are applied. I tried educating my STBX, but she wanted out. Her prerogative and her mistake imo.

I think that you have probably made it through your grieving already as you suggest, but I don't really understand that. The death of my marriage is something that I will grieve for a very long time, even though I understand that I will be less lonely and less afflicted by myself than living with an unloving spouse.

Seems to me that women are able to detach easier than men and move on. I hope that doesn't sound insensitive to you and the other women on the board who have suffered greatly at the hands of their husbands. I know it works both ways. Maybe I'm just sensitive to my situation and that of some close buddies of mine. But 75% of divorces are filed by women, and Dr. Harley says the number reason one reason women leave their men is neglect. When women's EMs aren't met, they check out and they often are not willing to recover. Not saying this is the case for you or that you didn't try to persevere and fix things. But maybe once it died for you, it was over, and you're now at a place now where you're able to move on relatively free of the pain compared to someone who was suddenly blindsided.

Not a stupid question. I was mostly like Kirby, in that I had a 26 year marriage that was really really bad much of the time. I had 'checked' out at various times and just led my own life/took care of my son. When I found him texting his friend's wife in 07 I jumped into MB trying to do what I could to save my marriage....I couldn't get him on board and things basically went back to him living his own life and leaving me and ds to live ours. So by the time 09 came and I discovered him in an affair (and subsequently got proof of an earlier affair) I was done. HOWEVER, due to some of the stuff I found out I went through a few really really bad months of pain. I lost 25 pounds in a month (down to 112 pounds!!) and couldn't eat or sleep. I pulled out of that though and other than the anger I feel when ds11 is subjected to OW I was happy to be free of such a lying cheat.

Everyone is different....I don't think you are weird at all for feeling free. I think you should stay away from depressing 'support' groups though.

JustThe3ofus, I think women spend a lot more time analyzing their relationships than men do. I also think that once a woman decides she is done, it's almost impossible to get her to change her mind. It sounds like your wife was done 4 years ago. She did her grieving and then started working on her exit strategy.

I've become fairly close to some of the people in my DivorceCare group and I see a real variety of responses from both men and women. The men do seem to wear their wedding bands longer and take longer to begin detaching. But that may not be typical of all men, just the ones I've noticed.

Papermom, I went back and read a couple of your posts from when you first started coming here. You've known about your husband's double life for many years, and I would think that you've been grieving for years now. My vote is that you're not in denial, but are just further along in the grieving process than would be expected.

(BTW, the link is your signature didn't work for me. I found your first post from your thread titled Returning Member.)

PM,

I think it's a great question, I'm in a weird place in that I'm still in the same house with my STBXWW, now that I'm a full 5 years since the first D-date and almost 2 years since filing, I am almost giddy about moving on. I too am worried that I'm missing something and one of these days will have a emotional tank fall on my head. In my mind I have processed it....... I think

If I ever have doubts I only have to think for about 5 seconds about why I filed and those reasons are still valid today, so my resolve doesn't change, my kids are out of the house, and the WW is getting the dog.( I don't care about the cat!!!)

But I still feel like I need to cringe because I'm not suppose to be this happy about the marriage ending, When I'm at work and tell someone I'm working with that I divorcing, they always say how sorry they are for me, and as I try to explain that I'm over it they usually seem to have a hard time understanding that I could be that insensitive about my own marriage's brake up...... A 29 year marriage and he's happy to be divorcing ?!?!?!!?

What they don't know is the devastation I went through starting 5 years ago and then the repeated trauma of the other affair that is ongoing.

So where does that leave me...... normal ...... delusional ?????

Like you I hope adjusting, and putting it behind me

SC

This is a great thread Papermom, has gotten me thinking due to others responses.

I am separated at the moment, but pretty certain that WH will file as soon as legally able. I am in the minority as my WH is one of the 25% of men who leave the marriage, and in my experience, he has not given a backward glance. I am fighting divorce with every breath in me. Despite being in Plan B, divorce is something that just does not sit well with me and I do not feel ready for it. I will be divorced kicking and screaming in some sense. I will survive it, but in my experience, my WH has detached far easier than I have (but than he IS wayward, so maybe that makes it different).

In my sitch my EN's were largely being met and WH hadn't mentioned otherwise until the affair. I believed we had a happy and strong marriage. Due to MB I can now see our weak points, but still, they are not divorce worthy IMO. So I was blindsided by the separation and affair. Having entered Plan B only a month after D Day, I still have a very high LB$ balance. I still feel that a bomb is ticking under me, that the date WH can file is nearing, and I know when the divorce papers are in hand, I will grieve. However due to MB I also know that I am preparing myself and have started the grieving process (D Day only in July 11, so still pretty fresh).

However... I don't think you should suspect you are in denial. Many of the threads I have read where the BS has been fighting the affair or both have not been having EN's met, it seems the grieving does begin during the marriage. Everyone is different, and grieving is individual. So is healing. As long as I am making steps in that direction, I am happy with that.

Kirby,

Your analysis is spot on. She did start grieving 4 years ago (confirmed in one of our recent discussions) and she used my short-lived EA last year as a launch pad to find an AP of her own. (She told after her D-day: "I now have the green light.) When she found her man--a man purportedly of means--she exited right away.

Caracal,
I'm sorry for your situation. Seems very odd to me that your husband would bail out on a happy marriage. I guess these midlife crises come in all kinds of different circumstances. Though the common ingredient is self-centeredness, your husbands decision seems especially selfish and whimsical. You are in the early stages of grief and I am praying for you. Peace be with you.

SC, if people look at you funny when you seem happy about your divorce, you can tell them that you discovered the first affair 5 years ago. I got a lot of push-back from friends and acquaintances about getting divorced until I started telling them that WXH had an affair. Shuts 'em up pretty quickly.

Kerby,

I think that's a good idea, should help them in some way understand the road I've been on.

SC

Nothing shocked me more than discovering my XWH's affair 2 1/2 years ago. I felt like I couldn't breathe for the next three months ... unbelievable stress, anxiety, exhaustion, nausea, chronic headaches. It was the worst time of my life and I wasn't sure I would survive it. I remember reading stories here from people who were still hurting a year or years after discovery or years after their divorce was final. That scared me bad. I couldn't imagine feeling the way I did then for a whole year or longer.

So began my "one-day-at-a-time" journey. After I made my husband move out (he didn't want to leave even though he wasn't willing to even consider giving up the OW) I started to pick my way through a mine field of emotional bombs, looking for a new normal for my two DSs and myself.

It was up and down and up and down for what seemed a long time. I didn't want to try to save the marriage, not when he was ga ga (or should I say "gag gag")in love with someone else. I wanted him to file but he wouldn't so I did. Our divorce was final in November 2010. He immediately moved 5 states away to live with her and they married in January, 2011.

I have finally come to the place where I realize how better off I am without him. Gone is the anger and resentment. Replacing them is a sense of control; that I can live my life by my choices and my choices alone. It's still very hard but not as much from an emotional standpoin as finances (never enough to cover the bills)and worrying about the lack of a male figure in my sons' lives.

My XWH, a year after leaving, STILL doesn't have a full-time job. He barely manages to pay child support and has only been able to have the boys come up there once (last summer) since he can't afford their train tickets. This is a man who claimed and still claims that they are most important. Really? Nah, don't think so. I hardly think his life is a big bouquet of roses. I'm sure he has regrets and feelings of failing his children but, guess what? I don't feel happy about his supposed misery. I don't feel much at all when it comes to him. That's how I know I'm in a good position now. Being able to give up all the negative feelings in favor of focusing more on my children and myself is so freeing.

Now, not only do I breathe, I breathe in hope and confidence and a sense of well-being. That's pretty fantastic when you consider all that has come before.

It's done. The divorce is final.

I feel a deep sadness, as if there has been a death. We were supposed to be together forever, grow old and enjoy the grandchildren together. Such a loss for us and for our children.

Really, though, none of that is reality. It's a dream I cooked up in my own imagination. So really, it's just a dream that's dead, since there never really was a marriage of trust and honesty and partnership.

I'm 52, broke, and starting over, but I have hope. When you've been without it for a long time, hope restored is a wonderful, powerful gift.

Papermom, you have hope and thats a powerful gift. Hope will bring you to a better place spiritually, physically, financially etc..... You are a strong woman.

Papermom, the grief is very real...I've gone through all the stages and back and forth.

But your acceptance is the final stage, and the most important.

So...to turn towards that positive new life you have...what are your hopes? Plans? What are the good things in your life now that you didn't dare to dream before, but now can safely dream and plan for?

PM,

As you grieve your loss I hope that you have few regrets. For me if I ever start to feel down I can project myself back to one of the D-days and the emotional hell that that was, it doesn't take me long to realize that I took the only course of action available to me and that I am MUCH better off for it !!!!!

I'm now 2 months divorced an and smiling every day, I know my finances will sort out in the end, I know I will have a new life after what should have been a wonderful life-time marriage. I know that the worst of my nightmare is over and great things await. God wants us to have an abundant life. I believe He will help us all find our path and wants to bless us.

Hope is a wonderful gift that God gives us...... and you are right that the promise of hope will carry you in the days to come.

SC

Just checking in tonight, thinking about posting an update here. Thank you all for your responses and support. I've now been physically separated from my ex for a year and legally divorced nine months. Although it has not been easy and it breaks my heart anew that our family is broken and my kids and I are dealing with the grief, I have to admit that my spirit is lighter and I have feel less stressed than I have felt in many, many years. There are financial issues, sad kids, and other issues. But there is peace, and I'll take that.

How are you doing PM?

Paper,

The grief comes and goes and lessens over time. I read once that most people experience the stages of grief in a specfic order and the stages normally don't overlap. That wasn't the case for me. I would be in denial one day, acceptance the next, then in denial, etc. It messed me up for a long time....

There was a time in my life that I could not imagine being without my wife, now I cannot imagine being with her. It took me about 3 years after the divorce to finally fall out of love with her.