Why does it matter any further what IS did? I am not pursuing that road so virtually that is irrelevant.

You are the one who said he was controlling you like a puppet. I just want to know what you are talking about. I thought I was familiar with your story, but evidently not.

You throw out lots of accusations but seem hazy on the details.

I am not saying "Reconcile with InnerStrength." I am saying "This business about controlled like a puppet must be important, because you brought it up. Can you tell us more?"

Yes, you are correct. You probably will need relationship advice in the future as you, obviously, learned nothing here.

It's too bad your children will never remember their parents together and will carry your baggage into their own marriages. Don't bother with the quick retort, just remember what you read here when that day comes some twenty or thirty years from now.

Oh, and for the record, it's not ya'll it's y'all...a contraction for you all where the apostrophe denotes the missing letters 'o' and 'u'. I suppose, though, that you'll find a reason to rebuke that as well.

Evidence?

Your waywardness will shine through any name you choose to use.
Many have tried to deceive us in the same way.
Few have succeeded.

Agree with Prisca that you couldn't fool us, strugglin. If it weren't against the terms of service here, I might even recommend you give it a try -- could make for an interesting game on a slow day -- I'm envisioning something akin to Whack-A-Mole.

Hmmm... Nintendo might be interested in that! "Whack-A-Wayward" for Wii and "Nintendwards" for DS.

strugglin ~ I'm totally kidding you about the "whack-a-mole/wayward" deal -- but hey, if you are gonna use high drama [ex: I'm leaving ::door slam:: and then I'm gonna sneak back in and fool you rascals!] and exaggeration [ex: "its like a coyote on a jackrabbit"] then you gotta be prepared for a little somethin' to come your way, yanno?

Look, I know you can't see it now, but I promise you there hasn't been a single person that has posted to you that did so to use you as some sort of bizarre "whipping post". That is NOT why people stay here and VOLUNTEER their time. We have posted to you out of a very genuine desire to help you and your family. So many of us have seen miracles occur in our own lives due to the MB program, so naturally we'd love to pass that onto others.

Also, I know that lots of us have come to value marriage more greatly than we ever would have imagined possible -- and not just our own marriages, but ALL marriages. Why? Because we have come to understand just how important marriage is to the fabric of society and how much damage occurs within that framework when a divorce takes place.

strugglin, I am being absolutely serious when I tell you that I am very, very sad about your impending divorce. I took a special interest in you when you arrived here for some reason, and I have remained incredibly hopeful for you and I_S -- and for your girls. With all of my heart I wish something I said [or that someone else said] would have made a difference.

Mrs. W

Mrs. W, I appreciate the sincerity in your post. I truly do. I honestly do hope to make the best of the unfortunate and will strive to not have my children become another statistic. 2010 was, by far, the worst year of my life and I would not wish my experiences on my worst enemy. However, I am trying to rebuild myself, trying to learn as much as I possibly can and trying to hone in on what went wrong so that indeed, the same mistakes are not made twice. I really have nothing further to say.

How?

With Dr. Harley's 40 years of experience, and thousands upon thousands of wayward posts here.

The above cannot be achieved unless the original mess is cleaned up. That means making full amends to I_S, and your girls.

Without amends to I_S, your personal healing will be stuck and no further progress can come.

Amends doesn't mean saving your marriage, amends means saving yourself. Taking ownership for the damage you created, and then taking action to make sure it never happens again.

strugglin~

Out of my own desire to learn, did either of your parents commit adultery? Did they divorce? I'm also curious about the unanswered "Markos Question" regarding your being "controlled like a puppet. I would consider it a personal favor if you would answer those questions.

And strugglin, I know you aren't interested in hearing it, but I know what "went wrong", and I know it could be fixed. One of your above stated goals is "to learn". Is that the truth? Because if it is, then I would think you would be more inclined to consider what the people here are saying to you, no?

One of the things that I did when I arrived here was to get MAD at the people who disagreed with me and told me I was wrong. I was so angry and lashed out telling them "there's more than one way to skin a cat"! But then something began to dawn on me, and I thought: "Hmmm, every single one of those people are telling me the same things -- people who have been through this -- **I** am the only dissenter. I am the Lone Ranger swimming upstream. Maybe I should consider that I could be wrong. What are the odds that I am right and they are ALL wrong? Probably not all that great a thing to put money on...uh oh". I didn't know it then, but that was my first step toward recovery -- toward maturity. Something to think about perhaps.

I'm willing to bet a rather large sum of money that you think because things appeared to "come so naturally" with OM, and it doesn't feel like that with I_S that that must be a "sign" that the two of you are not "meant to be". In fact, I'd wager that you've very likely rewritten history and now believe that that was never the case between you and I_S -- Am I close?

And lastly for now, the break up of your family is not "unfortunate", strugglin -- It is deliberate, and that's tragic.

Mrs. W

P.S. If you respond to nothing else in this post, would you please just answer the questions in my first paragraph? I'd really appreciate it.

Strugglin,
There are alot of people that seem to me really care about you and your marriage and your children. We all sometimes get hurt in life. My wife is hurt and still lashes out at me even when i am kind and loving. I am told hurt people hurt others. The majority of the therapist/pastors/friend that i have talked to wholeheartedly believe that all marriages can be repaired. Ive read and heard so many stories of so many circumstances that have been overcome. You just have to want to do whats best for everyone. When we give up, we affect our childrens lives and their legacys. Please find it within yourself to try and do what is best not only for you, your children, but for the world as well. Show others that you can do this.

Mrs. W, no my parents are still married and have never committed adultery. However, my mother controlled and manipulated me my entire life to the point that any thought of someone putting demands or "rules" on me freaks me the hell out and I know the demands that IS were making on me was because of the affair I had on him, however, I couldn't do it.

It's interesting that you view it as "controlling" when your H "demands" that you stop abusing him. The steps he asked you to take were all designed to protect him from your cruel abuse. But you view that as "controlling."

In other words, you want the freedom to abuse your spouse at will. He is lucky to be rid of you in that case.

I wonder what, if any, rules your children are required to follow.
Are their consequences for your children when they (on purpose) fail to follow the house rules?
Are they allowed to lie & cheat at will?
Are they allowed to skip school when the work becomes difficult?

When an adult recognizes that she is using her childhood issues to screw up her life today, it is her responsibility to make different choices. She is not required to honor her bad childhood memories by living them out in the here and now.

Sooner or later, we all must give up wishing for a better yesterday.

Have you severed all relationship ties with your mother?

January 10 .....


January 3 .....

How are those buns of yours, my dear girl?

This poster seems to be a great example of an EFP as described in Dr. Harleys book "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders"

Her electric fence seems to be her comparison of her parents "controlling" to her hubbys "demands to stop her abuse" which pushes her into her electric fence.

just my 2c ... actually im almost at a dime now.

What are you referring to pepperband about the buns comment???

You've contradicted yourself with your two declarative remarks which were quoted.

Re-read my previous post until the light goes on.