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It was a tough week. Just feeling really sad. I've been following Strugglinaz's thread, and all the great comments on there reinforced in me the beauty of commitment and self-sacrifice. Inspired by other posters here, I have reached out to my STBX in e-mails a couple of times letting her know that what is shattered can be re-made into something new and beautiful again. But with her lover in the picture these words bounce off a brick wall. Plus she is very angry at me because she is out of the house, and no one in her family is supporting her decision. She feels she has lost everything she's ever loved and its my fault. (I know its fog-babble.) Anyway, I'm in plan B, but as the divorce comes closer to finalizing, I continue to fight for the marriage by letting her know that I believe that reconciliation is still possible and that we can have a marriage that is better than ever. My efforts may be futile, but at least I can tell myself I fought the fight.
I realize that in order in order to recover from this tragedy, I have to forgive myself for my part in the breakup of my marriage and not harbor regrets. And yet, I don't want to let go of my failings. I need to own them I guess. I've read that those who bounce back best from a divorce are those who have the ability to not beat themselves up. But here's the thing: I regard marriage as the most important promise we make in this life (besides the implicit promise we make to God when we are baptized). So if I played a part in fouling this up, how can I just forgive myself and move on. Our God is a forgiving God, and he asks us to be the same way. But...
Confusion.
I'm one of those who believe that life is beautiful and that people are good (created in the image and likeness of God). I like the Carpe Diem mantra. But at this juncture of my life, I don't know how I can ever be whole again knowing that I screwed up that which is most important.
I think I'll go to Confession soon. Gotta find a good priest who can help me sort this out...if its sortable.
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Finally, I'm doing my best to not put the girls in the middle of my STBX and me. I'm not sure if it was right for me to confront her about her late night chat sessions in the girl's presence, but it will probably help in making her contact more discreet in the future. I'm feeling better today about the way I handled this, but a part of me feels I should not have said anything to my STBX. Just, I want to applaud you for doing the right thing in confronting your wife in front of your daughters for this. Your daughters are being taught that wrong is right by your wife and they need a strong guiding force to eliminate the moral confusion. Your W is not only neglecting the girls but she is mistreating them by punishing them when they speak up about her neglect. You are a good dad, Sir, and I shudder to think where your daughters would be without your influence. It is so very confusing to children to have a corrupt parent. Children become morally confused and start to doubt their own instincts about right and wrong. By taking the strong stance, you are helping to alleviate that. Your wife has ruined her relationship with her daughters and you can do nothing about that. I have some questions about the OM. Who is he? Does he have a facebook page? Have you run a background check on him?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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p.s. did you listen to the radio clip I posted about Plan C?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Dr. Harley on telling the children: The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults. Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
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A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery. The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight. 2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse). My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes, Melody, I did. Thank you! I've posted a new thread over at "Surviving an Affair."
Can't express adequately how much I appreciate your posts and your consistency.
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Just, I want to applaud you for doing the right thing in confronting your wife in front of your daughters for this. Your daughters are being taught that wrong is right by your wife and they need a strong guiding force to eliminate the moral confusion. Your W is not only neglecting the girls but she is mistreating them by punishing them when they speak up about her neglect. You are a good dad, Sir, and I shudder to think where your daughters would be without your influence.
It is so very confusing to children to have a corrupt parent. Children become morally confused and start to doubt their own instincts about right and wrong. By taking the strong stance, you are helping to alleviate that.
Your wife has ruined her relationship with her daughters and you can do nothing about that.
I have some questions about the OM. Who is he? Does he have a facebook page? Have you run a background check on him? Thank you, Melody. That's helpful. I don't know very much about the OM. He's supposedly very wealthy, Muslim, and a British expat living in Malaysia. He's been kept a secret from almost everyone. She's flown over to see him three times (Paris and Malaysia, I think), and plans to live with him this summer after the divorce is finalized. I tried installing a keylogger on her computer and cell phone when I was in Plan A, but she had them secured with passwords. She has told me that she will kill herself if I confront the other man. She really keeps him under lock and key. The "Lifetime channel" level of secrecy and subterfuge that this relationship is built upon spells an early doom methinks.
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She has told me that she will kill herself if I confront the other man. Nicely played by your wayward wife. She effectively shut you down. 
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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She has told me that she will kill herself if I confront the other man. Nicely played by your wayward wife. She effectively shut you down. Not really. The real problem is I can't get into her computer. And now that she's out of the house, I won't be able to track him down short of hiring a PI. After she filed for divorce, my focus has been on preserving a good home environment for the girls. Perhaps I made a tactical error in not working harder to find the AP, but she hid him well and I felt she was fully invested in this guy and ready to leave no matter what I did. I felt plan b was the logical next step, along with securing custody of my girls.
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I would make sure to yank your kids' passports if I were you.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Safe and secured, Karma. Thanks.
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One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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