I've been married to my husband for 6 years and we have two beautiful children together. Our son is 2.5 years old and we just had a daughter that is now 4 months old. 6 months ago I caught my husband (via a late night text message) cheating on me with a co worker. 2 months ago I learned that he has been involved with her for 7 years. She was even at my wedding and I never even had a clue. I watched my wedding video and there she is. I work nights at the hospital and when I would leave for work she would come over and they would be together at my home. I never knew and before I caught him cheating I admired my husband's character. He comes from a strong christian home and has always been seen as a guy with character. Now I see someone who has a double life.

I'm sure that he would delete text messages off his phone every time they got done, but last July he forgot to delete them and she sent him a text after he thought they were finished with their conversation. I read how he said that he misses her scent. I was very pregnant at the time and I read where he said that he was sorry he got me pregnant because it would compromise his time with her and that all he had to look forward to was a bunch of sleepless nights. He said he loved her and called her baby a lot in the texts. This was only one night of texts I was reading so there's no telling all the horrible things I wouldn't want to know that he had been saying to her.

After I caught him he said he wanted to stay with me and work things out with me. Two months ago at a marriage retreat we went to for counseling he confessed that he had still been talking with her at work. I feel like he has done everything humanly possible to ensure that I never trust him again. I filed for divorce, but I don't have a peace about it so I have my lawyer holding the papers from being served while I sort things out. I know that if I don't know what God wants me to do then He hasn't spoken yet.

My husband wants to make our marriage work and he tells me that he thinks we can have a great marriage, but he isn't doing the work. Ever since I've known him I feel like I'm the "chaser" chasing this man. This hurts me so bad and I've never felt pursued or hungered for by my husband. Now since I'm the one that gets us the counseling, tries to make myself desirable for him, and is always trying to connect with him on an emotional level I still feel like the "chaser". After finding out the lengths he went to for this other woman and I realized that he chased her I don't know what to do. I can't live with that IF he can't find it in himself to pursue me now. I want our marriage and family intact, but I don't seem to be worth very much to him and I'm exhausted, scared, hurt, and confused. I find it nearly impossible to imagine moving on and seeing my precious children moved back and forth from mom and dad's house, to see a stepmom come in to replace me one day, all these things very hard to imagine accepting. My dream was to always have a family and eventually be a stay at home mom and make my home a peaceful family oriented place. Now I see a life of desperately trying to feel loved by a man that has too much pride.

When he does something to help our marriage it seems like actions that aren't from his heart. He just does it. It's not an overflow of his heart. For example if he hugs me when I'm upset it seems forced. Please help me and pray for me.

I also want to mention that my H is still working at the job where the OW is. They wouldn't need to have any contact with each other though. I am afraid for him to quit his job because of the economy and we have two kids. I could work full-time to support us if I had to, but my dream has always been to be a stay at home mom and right after I had my baby I was going to quit my job and finally get to be there for my kids. I'm not willing to work full-time and give up yet another piece of myself for this affair. My husband only makes the $$ he makes because of longevity with the company. So if he started at the bottom somewhere else he wouldn't make much at all if he could even get a job in this economy. seems like there aren't any options. No way out of this mess he created for us.

Dear Southern!

Welcome to Marriage Builders (MB)!

I am at work, and so are most posters yet. There will be more responce later. Meanwhile, plase read other threads and eductate yourself. Your situation is not unique. many people here have experienced similar betrayal and felt your pain. There are also repenting betrayers (WW wayward wives) and WH (weywards husbands). They will contribute their perspective.

Most important message to you now: Your Marriage (M) can be saved. It can even eventually be better than it was. MB offers you a plan and the tools for that purpose. On your part will rest the responcibility to execute your part of the plan. And that part should start with a rapid and unexpected wide ranging exposure of his betrayal to all people who would be expected to be important to him.Also the family and friends of the other woman (OW)should be targeted by exposure. This exposiure should be rapid and be given with no prior warning to the betrayers. None!

What then to expect: Your WH will be angry as a wasp! He will tell you the most dreadfull things: "I wanted to stay with you and work on our marriage (M). But no you can forget that!" and words you didden't know he knew! Expect the worst! But that is OK. Your M will survive his anger. It will not survive a continued affair (A).
Take no blame for this: "I did what was required!

Take a note on the abbreviations I used. Everyone here use them.

God bless your struggle for this M. You are a God's soldier under heavy fire now. It will be frightening and painful. Stay faithful and keep faith in Him! And follow the plan!

Hi there and welcome, I am sorry you are going through this kind of pain, we all understand here and you need to figure out what your plan will be. Your marriage can be save but you have to follow a set plan in order to have your best chance, I'm not a vet but they will be around for you..........
In the meantime read the information on this site and educate yourself....If you have a good plan you can have a great marriage.....
Marriages can be saved after an affair there are lots of stories of survival and thriving marriages........
Stay on this site there are amazing people hear willing to stand beside you each step of the way, you will have lots of friends here that will be truthful and sometimes blunt but they are on your side and are willing to listen and help.
Talk to you soon.......
jessi

Hello and welcome to the best place to be in your circumstances.

There is hope for your situation but you need to listen the advice given here very carefully since some of it will require courage and change of thinking about dealing with affairs.



This is the major obstacle in your situation. There will be no recovery when they work together (means affair is still 100% on) whatever promises your WH will give about their arrangement there.


There are options. Not convenient ones but there are. Whether he or OW has to quit the job. I do not believe that it is impossible to have another job that pays off reasonably. Otherwise you are trading your marriage to your husbands paycheck (which you will lose eventually anyway because divorce is the only foreseeable outcome from the situation when WH and OW are working together).

Is OW married? Does her husband know about the affair? To whom have you exposed the affair? Does their employer know?

You see, recovery steps are:
1) Kill the affair
2) Achieve no contact between affair partners
3) Create romantic relationship

Step 1 can be usually achieved by exposure (to OWH, employer, relatives).

Come back with answers and we will help you further.

Do you like to sing Mexican songs?



I cleared through your fog and did a little editing.

Thing is you can't put I (yourself) first.

Your marriage and family have to be put first this is why WH has to leave that job for NC to take place. This is why this affair has never ended and won't end.

You need to sell the home and move far away from the OW and any where she has family.

You need more money?

Let me think.

I have an idea get a job.

Your WH gets a pay cut, so he gets a second job.

AND you both learn to live within your means.

Or stay the way you are going and let the 7 year affair go for another 7 years.

Welcome, SS. You've already been told about the main problem: they still work together. The A will not end under these circumstances. I can appreciate your concern about your WH leaving that job in this economy, and you have every right to want to kick his butt for putting your family in this position. But the reality is that he cannot work with her.

One of the things we advise for ending the affair is exposure of the affair to anyone who is in a position to influence the affairees to end the affair. These people are usually relatives, friends and employers. Most employers frown on infidelity and do not want their employees romantically involved. They understand the position of liability they are in when that occurs. This is why their employer is your No. 1 exposure target.

What do you know about OW? Is she married?

You do have options. They just may not be the ones you originally had in mind. I'm sorry about that But I do think you can save your marriage. That's the important thing at this point, right?

Read about exposure here.

SS, the option is divorce if he doesnt' get another job. He has to find another job if you want to save the marriage. Recovery is impossible as long as he works with the OW. You are looking at an on again, off again affair for YEARS. Every time he sees her at work [even her car!] he will be triggered. So if he can't leave the job, I would just accept you won't ever recover and get divorced now because it is hopeless. Hopeless. Sorry.

It would also help if you exposed the affair wide and far. Exposure won't overcome the continuation of the affair at work but it would motivate your husband to end his affair and give you the support you need.

Dear Southern!

I suppose you feel helpless and powerless, like a leaf in the wind. It is very natural to feel so in your situation. But actually you are in a position of power.

The two initial tools in your toolbox is "plan A" and exposure. Both are mandatory. Few have a long term recovery unless both are used successfully. This is particular required in your case since you are the victim of a long term affair (LTA). A swift and wide ranging exposure is required to have the required impact of knocking your WH out of his selfish state of mind and reconnect with reality. In your WH case, where many people believe him to be a man of faith and integrity this may have the required impact. I think exposure may be very effective then. But be prepared. The more powerful impact from exposure, the more powerful the initial anger will be.

Plan A, requires you to learn the most important emotional needs (EN) of your WH. Emotional needs, or love language, is the currency in our love bank. When EN are deposited in the love bank love builds. That is how we work. The plan expects you to start fulfilling his top ENs, while you take control over your own angry outburst and stop any talk that belittle him (Love busters LB). And by the way, don�t expect immediate results. This is a long battle.

Now you have the outline of the initial part of the plan. All contact with the OW (other woman) must cease. Expose to force him to see himself and his selfish ways through the eyes of others. And then it�s time for you to show him what the M can be if he invests himself in it again.

Good luck, and God bless your struggle.

Dear Sothern!

How are you doing?

No one knows your identity. Please be free to vent your frustration and pain here. Remeber:There are many people here who emphetize with you.

Have your started to educate yourself to gain some perspective? Have you friends from whom you can find support?

The OW is married with kids. Two months ago I called her husband on the phone and told him everything in a calm respectable way. I didn't spare any details. In order to hopefully gain some of his trust I let him know that I wasn't telling him out of revenge or hatred, but that I wish someone would have told me.

According to my husband, his boss knows and denied him a transfer when he requested it.

I have believed this whole time that my WH would quit his job if I asked him to. I asked just an hour ago over the phone and he got really ugly, sarcastic, and hateful towards me. He said that because I had filed for divorce he has no reason to quit his job. I don't think he looks at what he has done that caused me to file. He just sees how things affect him. I reminded him that I stopped the divorce process and that if he gets out of that job I will tell the lawyer to tear the papers up. I can't do that right now, because what if he doesn't quit. I will want a divorce.

I'm confused on the subj of exposing it to his boss. I'm not afraid in the least bit to do this, but should I? Should I do that instead of getting my husband to handle quitting on his own. What would the advantages be?

Wanna bet???????


Yep...right now is good

Your WH has shown he will not quit the job on his own. He is an addict, and he does not want you getting in the way of his next fix. Right now, every time he goes to work is a fix for him.

It is unlikely his boss knows of the affair, and even if he / she does, it was likely spun to suit your WH. A BW making a complaint about an affair is a different story entirely. Put it in writing to HR and as high up the chain as you can go. Then it becomes a company problem that needs to be actioned. Check out notable posts for information and examples.

And what would the advantages be... hmmm, lets see. WH might lose his job which would put a dent in the affair. WH might get transferred, which would put a dent in the affair. WH might have disciplinary action taken against him, which would put a dent in the affair. WH might feel the light being shone on his dirty secret which would put a dent in the affair.

The affair needs to end before recovery can be considered. Exposure is your best weapon for that. Expose to his employment. Expose to family and friends that the reason you have filed for divorce is because WH will not end his affair with skank. Expose to skank's family, re-expose to the OW's BH explaining that you want to recover your marriage and you want contact between skank and your WH to end for life. Do not help your WH keep this dirty secret. Tell the truth. Let your WH deal with the consequences of his adultery.

Your husband OR the OW would be more motivated to quit the job if you exposed the affair. The workplace might even separate them. Check the link in my signature for good exposure letters.

If the boss already knows about it, then your H shouldn't mind if you expose it officially. And don't forewarn your husband!

Please post plan B letter examples and things I should do and consider before giving the letter. Thank you so much!!!

Two weeks ago I asked my WH to come up with a resume and send it out to at least five places by the next week. It has now been two weeks and no resume. I know that he needs to quit the job he is at because that's where the OW works.

A few days ago I decided to give what's left of our relationship all I've got (for the 1000th time). I cooked a beautiful meal, had music going, the house was clean, I appeared happy and confident, and the kids were playing nicely in the living room. I had WH come over and he loved what he found when he got here. He really enjoyed himself. The next night I did the same thing and he told me that he really appreciated everything I was doing.

I knew I was in trouble though. I knew I couldn't pretend to be that happy for long without him giving some too. It takes two!!! So then it happened I came crashing down and got upset, not mad, upset just thinking about stuff that happened and dealing with the skeletons in the closet type of thing. After all, it's only been two months that I've known the whole truth about the affair and the lenth of time it was (7 yrs).

When I got upset, WH got mad. He was yelling at me and I was sitting with my head in my hands crying. He was yelling "You just need to figure out what you want"! and "If you're just going to throw what I did up in my face all the time then we will never work out!" I'm trying so hard to not throw it in his face, but it is still fresh and raw and I'm hurting. He also said "All this (me being sad and crying over what he did) does is pull us further apart!"

As far as the affair still going on... He works right there where she is. He tells me he doesn't see or talk to her in any kind of way, but after discovery 5 months ago he kept talking to her and he admitted that two months ago. I don't trust that he is now clean and free of her even though he says he is.

He thinks I'm the one with the problem because I can't just "get over it already". It hurts so bad. I wish I could just get over it. I think I might just be ready to get a divorce.

Originally I thought the affair had been going on for two years. Then it came out later that it had really been going on since before we got married 6 yrs ago. My counselor had asked me, right after I found out, "When did you notice a shift if your relationship? When did things start to get bad for you?" I was blank. I wanted to give an answer, but honestly the relationship was always the same. Now I know why. It had been going on the whole time.

My father is a very non-affectionate man. I think that I just thought that is what love was suppose to feel like. So when I married my husband, I didn't realize that something was majorly wrong. I was also VERY blindsided when I discovered the affair because I didn't sense anything abnormal.

Now I am afraid because I think my "guage" is off. I don't trust my own instincts on whether or not I'm being emotionally abused right now. How emotionally abused have I been this whole marriage? Maybe I should record fights that I have with him and let someone else hear the things he says?

In the plan B letter it says to bring up a fond memory or the good times. I'm blank there too. I've never really been happy with him. He's alwasy made me feel unwanted and disposable. I do love him though. I'm probably co-dependent to the extreme. I think about our son graduating and our daughter getting married one day and I don't want to see him there and not share that moment. That kills me to think about. I'm starting to think that these wishes/visions of the future I have regarding what could/should be are just fantisies and it would never be like that with this man.

Take deep breaths.

Focus on keeping with plan A as you prepare.
(Even though your WH was nasty with you on the phone. Especially since he was.)
Basically, he had his secret second life and your knowledge of it throws a wrench in his life. Too bad.

Anyway, here are samples of Plan B letters
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2558482#Post2558482

The first one is the one from the book Surviving An Affair and it is awesome. Plug in the names in your situation, change it to fit your marriage....minor tweaks.

Make sure you have access to funds to survive so you don't depend on WH providing for you as you attempt to get support through legal channels. Have that set up so you have less to panic about when you go to Plan B.


Here is info on going to plan B

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

Sad, history re-write isn't just for the WS. As a BS is hurt and feels the weight of the betrayal, they also tend to look back at the relationship through tainted glasses. You must have been happy at some point. You wouldn't have married your WH had you not been happy. It doesn't need to be a big thing that you put in there, just a memory that you have with your WH that no one else shares. Something funny, or really happy.

You did a good job with your Plan A efforts. I know how difficult it is when your WH is working with the OW to pull off a good Plan A. And about that, the affair is still on full force. Don't believe a word he says that he doesn't see her, or speak to her. He is lying. If you read my story, you will see that my WH is having an affair with a co-worker. I went through about 2 years of DDays, because I hadn't found MB and didn't realize that no matter what my WH said, the A wasn't over as long as they worked together still.

You can't get into Plan B without some good Plan A moments. You need to re-do what you were doing, the dinners etc, and this time, when it overwhelms you, DO NOT LET HIM SEE THAT. I used to cry in the shower, at work, any time I wasn't around my WH, but while I was with him, I had to be the most bubbly happy person I could be. It was the best way to make Plan A effective.

I know how much this hurts, I've been there. Plan A is hard, Plan B is harder still, and recovery is the hardest. Take care of yourself, sleep, eat, etc, and do the best Plan A possible, so when you are in Plan B there is no regrets and no "what ifs"

Last night I didn't hear from him and I haven't heard from him all day today. We had an argument on the phone yesterday. Mainly me just venting over how hurt I am and him halfway listening, then me getting angry because of the "half-way" listening. Ugh same old thing. So in not hearing from him today I'm just thinking... he can have a 7 year affair on me and I'm still here, but I can get upset on the phone and he's GONE!

Scotland, I really like the idea of doing a successful plan A this time. I actually went to the store yesterday so I have plenty of good meals I can make for him. I'm just wondering should I wait for him to contact me? Should I call or text him to invite him for dinner? Or should I just call a spade a spade and walk away?

:'(