Had a pretty bad afternoon. Cleared out the last of his stuff, put brand new bedding on the bed. Felt I was clearing him out of our bed. Couldnt breathe. Found a tee shirt of his with his smell still on it. made me feel sick

Found out today a young cousin of mine had seen them holding hands while shopping few weeks ago. Poor kid hadnt known what to make of it.

Found a diary of mine in which I describe his distant, maddening inexplicable behaviour as a problem which is mine to solve. Its dated 2004.

Wondering if he has cheated before.

Very tempted to skip straight to plan FU.

However I am storng enough to do plan B and it is the right thing to do. Plan B is about protecting myself.

It will mean there are no unexorcised ghosts in my past.

It will mean I have set a high bar for him to jump over. The sort of high bar only a racehorse, worthy of me, could jump

Feel pretty sure he never will jump it though because pigs cant jump that high.

Indie, it is quite normal to go back and forth like this(although quite frustrating to those of us who are watching you go through this). What I want to remind you is that earlier in this very thread, you were ready to go to a Plan F/U. We helped you see that there is still something there for you.

I want to ask you a question and I want you to be completely honest. If your WH came home TODAY, right now, hat in hands, saying, "Indie, I am so sorry to have hurt you. You are the only one I have ever loved. I want to be with you for LIFE. Will you take me back," would you? If there is even the smallest chance that you WOULD, then Plan B is the way to go.

Just because you enter Plan B, doesn't mean that you NEED to recover your marriage. You can make the choice to give him the heave-ho after a considerable amount of time.

And you know what I see when I see them going door to door? EXPOSURE WORKED. I am so JEALOUS. I wish my exposure worked as well as yours.

If you think that you really can't do much more of a Plan A, I would suggest you get into Plan B sooner rather than later, could you be ready in 48 hours or so? You really need this. Think about it.

ETA(this is what I get for posting while I am cooking)- Also, what happens when you haven't talked to your WH for a few weeks and you really start to miss him and the "what ifs" start? You'll be able to KNOW that you did EVERYTHING that you could.

Think I have managed to translate his waffle.......

I can't really understand the logic in this, it's quite a friendly email yet my name ( & in my eyes, more importantly others) have been dragged through the mud - quite publicly on a day that it shouldnt have.

You're being friendly and I want you to be the bad guy. Telling other people I am the bad guy is NOT FAIR WAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I hate having to be a part of this whole scenario full stop, more so that I've had to resort to messaging on facebook or replying to emails (that frankly confuse me). Or having to deal with your sis who doesnt need it considering how ill she's been.

I cant blow smoke up your ar$e using the channels of communication you've left open

In hindsight I could have done things differently, but I've done nothing in a 'cruel' manner - despite however angry I may have been or felt, it's not my nature.

I'm feeling guiltier than ever[/b]

If you want ***edit***- I'll say I 'remember when' we got on, the fact we dont as well as we did through growing apart or whatever is OUR issue, no one elses.

[b]My affair with her is your fault. Yes it is yes it is yes it is.

When I (& even yourself) calm down we have things to discuss, like what happens to the house an bills etc, as I can't afford to pay bills for two places. I've had enough. It's too late for me to sort out July so that's fair enough. It will be the last month I pay anything asides from my half of the mortgage - I don't live at home now, so why should I be paying as if I am.

[b]Im SO nice. You take advantage of my good nature. Are you feeling guilty yet?[/b]

Apologies if seeming blunt but to want to 'check in' surprises me, as I've either done what you've said - so question why would you want to check in?
Or I'm not having the affair and you're in a hell of hole that cant be dug out of. Either way it simply doesn't make sense as to why you'd want to 'check in' - not to me anyway.
Youre being really nice and calm and that scares me to death. I also have no idea how to bluff my way through this.

I can't understand the Want to be sure ive got the **edit**concept right..... what exactly is the purpose of this, in fact dont answer it as I have no concern of the actual answer. Yeah while there have been many good times - simple fact is unfortunately they're past tense.
If I pretend I dont feel anything, maybe this awful guilt and confusion will just go away

Bad bad day. Wearing lead boots. Cant beleive the effect that password has had on me....

Yeah. Been crying some this evening, not as painful as after d-day, but it was really hard just going through CDs and stuff. Saw him walking down the street to the pub as my cousin and I were driving up to his mums. When we went in his car keys were on the table, so he is living there I would say. He gave us this 'tip your fake hat' sort of wave as we drove by. So weird. I cant look at his face, but my cousin said he had a sort of 'worried smile'

Leaving the Plan B letter felt good. I put his St Christopher medallion in with it, he hasnt worn it for ages. His grandmother gave it to him and he always used to give it to me to wear when I had an exam.

What I realised today is that I am very much still in love with him. Guess it's stupid to expect that to just vanish overnight. I'm treating it as a dangerous weakness.

My mum said 'You'd miss a limp, but that doesnt mean you're better off having it'. But its not really like that. Packing him up, changing the locks, staying calm - it's like having to pin yourself down and cut out bits of yourself. Bits of yourself that you really like and will really miss.

I need the calm and self-focus of plan B. I will send copy tomorrow and then bring on plan me.

Having rough time, went away and had a great weekend, came back to third hand threats.

Softlad told my BiL to tell my sis that he isnt happy with the go-between and wont use that email. That if I want a rough divorce ill get one(I havent done anything to suggest I do) That he isnt happy with my changing the locks.

My sis also put in her opinion that she doesnt blame him for not wanting to use the go-between, that im one day offering him out for coffee, next day not seeing him. I told her I dont need this.

Really furious.

I told her and to tell BiL that I wont be accepting any messages thorugh them and they can say that if they get asked to do it again. She turned down the change to mediate, she thinks I should do it. However she did agree to say what I asked her to.

No I see, time is already doing some work. Being able to see from others time points and experience is also massive,

Scotty, you are a legend.

Reading yours and Mels assessment of things really made me smile. I am in control. ME not him. He sent me a text and had me a feeling a bit wobbly for a minute there, but that's only because my defenses need tweaking. The phone is the only thing not blocked because my provider says they cant do it. So a number change must be done I think.

Made a solicitors appointment for next week. Getting financial advice same day with a bit of luck about buying him out...

I was reading articles on here earlier and saw something about an 'electric fence personality'. This really sounded like softlad to me. Hates boundaries, authority and being told what to do.

However that is not my concern.He's having a great big WAHHHmbulance moment, because Ive only left one channel of communication open - the IM. HE SHOULD COUNT HIMSELF LUCKY!!

Alas I dont forsee him ever seeing the light I have left on for him. Think he will carry on raging away into the dark.

NO way of knowing of course - and either way, I am headed for a great life, because I am tough and clear sighted...

THANKS SO MUCH everyone - for nagging me snoop, to expose, to keep calm and strong on d-day. Lifesavers, you all.

Zen feeling went out with the tide. Been sobbing for a solid hour. Even asked god to help me at one point. Though I've been agnostic for years. The pain is unbelievable.

No particular thing set me off.

You've all been through this. Worse, some of you. False recoveries, multiple APs, OW pregnancies....

Im in awe. I dont know how you live through this never mind that.

Ok so hes started using the IM, so I should be pysched. Its hard though when I have a wayward alien instead of the husband who loves me. Feeling really sorry for myself!

Plan B blogging is now getting difficult because most of the time, I feel very good.

I know this is the POINT of Plan B and the desired effect - but it just means I come on here to talk about my fairly ordinary day and general contentment and that I would really rather help other posters who are in pain than talk about myself.

Maybe that is why I am hearing from some posters on here that Plan B is a miserable choice! Because not enough of us are on here talking about the happiness of Plan B once we get past the pain...

The past few weeks I have laughed, I have had long conversations way into the night with friends, I have made plans, I have become my nephews and nieces favorite playmate once more. People are saying I have 'gotten my spark' back.

Like all good reporters though I am going to focus on the negative news of the day.

As I am not off the rollercoaster yet, I still have drops in my mood, though they are becoming miniscule. Yesterday I had feeling like I might want to cry. This is the first time that has happened in MONTHS - and I didnt even cry. The feeling was gone in five minutes.

Yesterday I also made a 'pro' and 'con' list for softlad as to whether he would still fit into my life should he become repentant. WHY I dont know. It actually started off quite level but then the con list took over.

I honestly cant believe I was stupid enough to do that. I stopped reading his horoscope and then I do that? No real side effects though. Maybe the list was more about me and my life though. About what I want and dont want. Perhaps I should simply have made a list about what I want for my life. That might have been more productive.

Though I have made lots of good social plans and things lately, I have gotten a bit disorganised, a bit lethargic. I am not moving on with my plans well enough. I still need to figure out what I am doing about my job, a budget and going back to school.

But I think that has more to do with working long hours in a job that doesnt really make me happy - than with softlad. The commute is killing me too and I need that time and energy to plan my new life.

Anyway I have a checklist of priorities that are aimed at making my life fantastic. I will continue to check them off my list, even if my energy is a bit low sometimes.

My mother said a lovely thing tonight about the MB principles.

She has been doing her best to pass the message along to her sister that my cousin should check out the MB site and she was saying how much it had helped me.


She said that if softlad had been at all interested, we would have recovered our marriage.

She said that I had healed so much because of Plan B. She said: "We are not allowed to mention him at all to Indie, no matter what we might hear - and it IS better".

After ten minutes or so I said "That sounded like you meant better for all of you, not just me?"

She agreed and said: "Yes, because you have cut him out, we dont bother talking about him any more. Nothing he does will affect you, so there is no point worrying about him."

I was totally amazed by that. All this time I had assumed they were whispering like hell about him when I wasnt there.

And Plan B has helped them as much as me, because they dont have to worry about him hurting me! How amazing is that?

He hasn't admitted to an affair and I don't think he ever will. How do I go about doing this the right way?
I have been kind of a crazy person for the past 2 years with jealousy and insecurities. I know that he lied to me a lot because I found out and confronted him. 2 weeks ago for the first time in our marriage, he stayed out all night and didn't call me until the morning when he had an excuse about falling asleep on his male friend's couch. Of course I knew it was a lie but I didn't get angry or even really react to it. I let him believe that I believed his story but I know deep down that it is a lie.

We don't hold hands or kiss or hug. We sleep in the same bed still but it is only sleeping. I see him looking at me sometimes and I know that he still feels something for me but it is hidden behind these other feelings. It is seriously like he is possessed.

He doesn't talk about things and he definitely doesn't want to talk about any relationship things.
We are going to have to live together until February and I know I can keep myself together in front of him until then. I have a lot of caring friends and great support.

When he leaves he will still be coming here to watch our children while I am at work so do I implement Plan B then?
I had plans that I would walk out the back door when he was here and not answer the phone when he calls for the kids. Is that what I should do?

Can someone please tell me what I am supposed to be doing in Plan A? Do I make home seem nice by doing good things like taking care of the kids fully, making dinner and generally just not bringing up anything that is painful? That's what I have been doing for 3 weeks since I found this site.

I just kind of live life like nothing is going on unless he wants to talk about something. I also make sure to show him that I am having a good time with the kids and when he plays with them he looks at me to see what I am doing and I make sure he sees me smiling.

I felt really lost and helpless before I found this site and all of the concepts and other things on here have helped so much
Thanx

How do I stop him from doing anything?

I can't keep him in the house. He has told me that it is over between us so what am I supposed to do? He also told me that he doesn't want to work on anything, he is DONE. I can still save this marriage with the tools I have and I know that I have to get their A finished to truly move on but in the meantime I have to make home a place he wants to be right?

He hasn't admitted to anything beyond a friendship so he isn't acknowledging a problem with their "friendship". I tried over the past 2 years to enlighten him to the fact that they had an inappropriate relationship and it has been a major strain in our marriage. I did and said some pretty hurtful things for those 2 years and I know that it drove him away. No excuse to either of them doing this but I accept my responsibility for the part I played in the marriage breakdown.

He said "It just isn't working anymore and I just want us both to be happy." I told him I wasn't happy about this. His response is that I would be eventually.

If I am in Plan A, how do I talk to him about the feelings and the fact that I don't want him to go. I don't really know what to say to him right now. At first, I totally withdrew from him and even told him things like he wasn't part of our family anymore since he wanted to leave. I feel like I said some hurtful things because I was hurt and I felt lost. I excluded him from family things and ignored him most of the time. He became really polite to the point where he was thanking me for cooking dinner, doing laundry and even sweeping the kitchen floor. It drove me nuts and I told him so.

He is giving me a huge amount of mixed signals and I don't know what to believe when he talks to me anymore. He is possessed by something and I don't know what to say to him anymore.

What should I tell him now? Should it be that I do still love him, I don't want him to move out, I want to work on this to keep this marriage together, that I am going to do whatever it takes to stay together? Most of all that no matter what has taken place with her that I am willing to reconcile?

I am still keeping it together. Glad to get the advice from people who have done it since I know no one in RL who has. Keep it coming.

I am not blindly trusting him anymore. I was trying to believe him for the past 2 years and I was hoping that he wasn't anything more than friends with her even when he was telling me he was leaving me to move into her "extra bedroom".
I am not in denial anymore but I also am not going to believe that he just stopped loving me either. He is giving me mixed signals and he is saying different things all the time.

I don't believe I am in a FOG right now I am just trying to work on this and stay positive. I am an optimist and I know to many it may seem like I am grasping at straws. Well maybe I am but those straws are what is helping me not drown.

It is hard to deal with a WH that doesn't want to be in the M anymore and before I found this site and this forum I felt alone and helpless. I know it would be a lot easier if my WH wanted to work on things but he isn't. He has been in complete withdrawal for at least 6 months previous to DDay. I am just trying to do what is best for my M with the tools and opportunities I have right now.

I am NOT giving up.

I m having a really bad day today. What do I do when I know that he is contacting her and now hiding it from me completely? He changed his password for his email today and now I searched my computer and found that he logged on to web messenger. I think that's why he changed his password so I couldn't find out what he said.

Is there a keylogger that he won't be able to find on here?

I want to just go to him and tell him to stop lying to me and I am really angry. I was supposed to go to work tonight but I can't. This morning there was a flat tire on our truck and he was late for work. I asked him if he called and he said he did but I didn't find it on redial at all.

I dunno what I am supposed to do right now. I am trying hard to be in plan A as I think Plan B would be hard to do while he is still living at home. When WS feel that BS are doing things to make it better do they do things to make us angry and try to pull away? I really don't know what it is I am supposed to do right now

I found one sided chats.......I used WH credit card so I dunno how long I will have it on but there is enuff there that I know that they have had sex......what do I do? Do I let him stay still and do I not tell him anything and stay in Plan A

After reading the advice last night I decided that I would move him out of our room this morning. He was out getting the tire fixed. I moved his stuff in to the dinning room (we have a 2 bedroom house). I then took DS x 2 to the Santa Claus parade.

As we got to parade my cell rang and he asked if that meant I was kicking him out. I said "Not out of our house, just out of our room." He said "Where am supposed to sleep?" I said "Where you sleep is no longer my concern." He said "I can't sleep on the couch, my back is too sore." I said "Well you do what you have to." Then I thought he said "Well I am in the truck and I am going." I thought he meant he was leaving.

So, I watched the parade with my kids and family and friends and cried a bit. I went to his old best friend's house(he now only has her and her friends as he has slowly gotten rid of the rest of his own by not talking to anyone). I hung out with them for a while(Old bestfriend used to be BIL). Then I came home and he was here.

He was very angry with me when I got home because I erased his profile on our computer by accident while I was cleaning out my history (I don't even know what I did). He thought I did it on purpose. Then I had to go to the doctor's to get a needle so I said "Do you mind watching the kids for a while?" I got up and he said, "Tell WHOEVER I said HI". I said "What?" and his response was "You heard me" I put on makeup and perfume and walked out the door. He made a few comments about other men adn deleting my profile and playing games too. He was so mad. I have actually never seen him get mad without being prodded by me to a point where he can't hold it in any longer. I didn't respond I just walked out. Spent 2 hours out and came home and cooked dinner.

DS 9 is on a sleepover so DS 6 and I went to sleep in my bed to have our own sleepover. Then a couple of hours later WH CAME TO BED. I was asleep and I heard him come in. I got mad and come down here to write to you all about it.

I think tomorrow I am going to buy a lock for my room door and lock it. Maybe I will put out an air mattress as a hint that that is where he can sleep if he wishes to stay here.

EXCELLENT !

His anger is a GOOD thing.
You're not following his script, and that makes him uneasy and his uneasy feeling is expressed via anger.

What part of my (previous) advise do you disagree with?

I suggested a stellar Plan A for a few more weeks.
Filling every EN he'll allow you to fill (putting him off guard by making him comfortable).
Making yourself and your home as attractive as possible.

And then, like a flash - putting him O U T. (plan B)
Not just out of the bedroom, like half-assed punishment, but out of the family - where he will actually get to experience the loss of you as his wife.

And Christmas season is the most emotional-family time there is ... perfect timing for Plan B.

Perhaps you want to choose a non Marriage Builders path. Am I incorrect when I suspect you are NOT going to follow the MB plans as we suggest?

Please let me know, because I will not bother with annoying MB advice if you plan to ignore it.

Pepper- I am NOT by any means saying that I don't want to follow anything you are saying I just don't know what I am SUPPOSED to do. I feel like I am drowning. I think I understand that my Plan right now is to Plan A till just before Christmas and then Plan B and kick him out.

What do I do when he goes to see her and doesn't hide it anymore or when I KNOW that he called her while I was at work and my kids were sitting right there. How do I Plan A and still make sure I am not a doormat? I really need some advice on that.

I hadn't been on at all yesterday so I didn't know what to do. I found out that he had called her from our home while he was watching the kids. I decided I would try to lock the door. He came up to go to bed and I wouldn't let him in. He tried for 1/2 hour and told me that he had paid for the bed and for the room and I couldn't keep him out. I responded with a "We paid for it" and he said "Yes WE did" Then I said that I would not like him to come in unless he was willing to give up his affair. He threatened to take the door off of the hinges and then he said he would just pack up his stuff and go sleep with someone else if that's what I wanted. I repeated what I said and he went downstairs. At 2am he came up and forced the door open. He simply went to sleep until he left for work this morning.

Pepper- I am confused by all of the different people on here telling me to Plan A and then kick him out or telling him to go now. I am new to the boards and I don't know who has the best advice. I am still waiting for my SAA book to come and I thought I could get some helpful advice while I was waiting. I just don't know what I am doing.

Please be patient with me as this really is against all of my instincts (that's how I know what I am doing is right).

When I found this site and read all the concepts and everything I could read, it made A LOT of sense to me and it felt like a bright light at the end of a dark tunnel. It felt like the universe had shown me exactly what I needed at a time that was crucial. I know I have not followed exactly what advice is given on MB. I am trying and I am willing to do what I have to.

I want to save my M because I know that it is worth it and I know who my WH truly is somewhere behind this alien mask. I have in the past tried to do things to help my marriage but I was flying blind. I really look up to the people on here, and I am in desperate need of help.

I am going to Plan A with the intentions of it only lasting till the week before christmas. I just need to know what I do when he tells me that he is with her, or going out with her or calling her. What do I say to THAT.

I hope someone can help me.

Still Plan A-ing like crazy. I really hope this works. I have my fingers and toes crossed but sometimes I just feel like it is a lost cause. Is that normal? I know that this is a long process and I have read enough on here to know that I am actually on the hardest part.

I think I would feel a bit better if he actually WANTED to work on it but he says there is nothing there. Sometimes when I read the articles and letters I feel like they aren't talking to me because they always talk about people who are both willing to work at it.

I guess that's why I have to go into a dark Plan B, but I have a question too.

I was reading something Harley wrote about NOT separating because it actually is worse. I got a bit confused because if I am planning on it, is that the best choice?

Deep down it seems like it, but these doubts creep in.

Most of the people I talk to have said he will come back eventually when he realizes what he has done but I have one friend who said she doesn't think he would because he is too stubborn. That little doubt was planted in my head and now I am losing a bit of HOPE and diving right into FEAR and WORRY.

Sorry but I just need a little boost.

I know I CAN survive without him, I just don't WANT to. If someone could tell me that I would have to deal with this for x number of years than I would get through. I know that may sound a bit silly but that is what I am feeling right now and I figure that if I am honest about my feelings on here maybe someone else will see that they are not alone.

Feeling alone is the hardest part especially when EVERYONE in my real life all say they would not do this. They would just kick him out and move on. I even have people telling me to just go find someone else. I am NOT doing that but how can they even think that way? Do they not feel anything for their spouses? Well, I guess that is enough sadness for today

I am finding it quite difficult to Plan A because I am getting hurt over and over again by his actions. He is closing me out and my taker is getting really angry. When I feel like that I just remove myself until I feel like I can keep it under control.

Sometimes I feel like maybe I shouldn't ask him to leave but then I think about it again and I know that it is the right thing to do. I am just afraid that it will be done then. That is the hardest part but I do know that it won't be done BECAUSE I asked him to leave but because he didn't want to be with me.

The hardest part in all of this is the feelings sometimes that what if OW CAN meet all of his En's and he IS happier with her. Well I guess I will let it play out and see where the universe takes me

I guess when I am a little down sometimes it is because I want so badly for him to WANT to stay with me and get rid of her but I am afraid that that won't happen. I need someone else to look at my sitch from the outside and let me know what it really is.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Well, last night he came home from work and he was so COLD to me. He played with the kids but ignored me completely. Then around 745pm I couldn't stand it anymore. I was going to break down so I got ready and I kissed the kids and then I said "I have somewhere I have to be." Then I walked out the door. I drove to a park and sat in my car, blared music and cried and screamed.

After an hour, I came home. I got ready to go to bed and then I said good night to him while I rubbed my hand down his arm. He not only pulled away but he made a disgusted noise like he was getting touched by the most vial thing he has ever seen. I just laughed and went upstairs and cried.

I made sure when he came to bed I told him good night again.

This morning when he got up, I told him to have a good day at work. He ignored me.

I am going to write him the last email I will send him, today, and it will be remembering when the kids were born.

I am only able to get through these last couple of days because I know that they are the last couple of days with him being able to hurt me.

I am making mental lists of all of his stuff that I am going to pack up for him. I am also keeping myself busy with the kids but I know that soon my world is going to crash.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I know one day, either way, I am going to feel better. I guess I just have to keep repeating my favourite quote "That which does not totally destroy me, makes me even stronger.

I have soooo many people sending me prayers and positive thoughts. It feels good to know there are so many people pulling for me.

It has been a very rough day today. I started having doubts if this is really what I should do but I know it is because I am just afraid. Yesterday, I still thought it was a good idea and if I think about all of the times WH has done something that could have made me break Plan A I know that the timing is right.

I can't keep living like this with him cake-eating. OW may be ok with it but I am better than that and I deserve better. I know there is a possibility that he will never come back and that is the biggest part that scares me.

This may be the last night I ever sleep in the same bed as WH and that makes me sad, but I know that I will get through.

I was at work tonight and it was all hitting me pretty good. I got myself out of it by repeating over and over again "Either way it will work out for the best". I firmly believe that. I will be better for this life experience whether I am alone or with WH.

Happy Birthday to me. I am giving myself the best present I could ever get. I am giving myself the best possible chance to save my marriage and have my self respect.

Thank you all and I will keep everyone up to date with how it goes.

Thank you everyone. You don't know how much I started crying just reading all of these words of encouragement.

I am done with the packing and putting all of his things out and you know what? The further along I got the madder I got at him and the better I felt that I was doing this. That first hurdle jumped, many more taller ones to go.

The wait for him to come home now begins. I think he may pull an ultimate [censored] move and not come home when he is supposed to. I have a plan to text him by 630 if he is not home. I am just going to say that he needs to come home because it is important. Then when he calls me, I am just not going to answer the phones.

The boys will be with my sister and mom where they will be taken care of and I can focus on what I need to do. My dad will be here with me to help me through it. I also have many people in the universe sending out prayers and positive thoughts. I feel stronger than I ever have in my entire life.

I do remember a couple of months ago, when my WH told me he was leaving me. He was crying and he said "I don't know if you are strong enough." My answer was "Oh don't worry I AM." I was always sure that I was

Well. WH came home 15 minutes early and I was on the phone with my dad and re-reading the responses I wanted to use and what I wanted to say to him.

I stopped him in the hallway, and he had noticed the stuff on the porch. I don't remember everything that was said(I really wish I had the tape recorder ready) or even how it started. It seems like a blur.

He did give me a bit of a hard time about where was he supposed to go? How long had I planned it? Did I want him to fight for the kids? Where were the kids? Why couldn't I wait until February? What were we doing about finances? Did I clean out the bank account?

I told him that here was a letter and it explained everything. He said that he wasn't going to read any letter. I could just tell him what needed to be said and he would remember it. I told him that there was a lot of things to take in and it is written down so he can read it later.

We talked for a half an hour. I repeated many many times "I love you and you are breaking my heart" as well as "I can not allow myself to be hurt by adultery anymore."

I know I said other things but I made sure never to bring OW up and never to blame him. I cried a lot but I never talked loudly at all.

When he said he didn't know where he was going to go, I simply said "I know you have some where to go." He said "yea with notice" I just said that he was going to leave in february but I couldn't bare being hurt any longer and I couldn't last.

When he asked how long I had been planning it I simply said "Not long. I just packed your things today."

When he talked about where he was supposed to take the kids when he had them I said, "I am sure you will take them somewhere safe."

When he said that I was taking his boys away from him I responded with "I have made arrangements with our friends that if you want to come and see them you can just call them. They will call me and I will let them know if it is ok that day."

When he talked about the finances and visitation I explained that they were written in the letter. I gave him an overview of what I would expect when finances were split. I then informed him that if we were to go to court that he would actually have to pay me more and possibly see the kids less. He agreed I was being liberal with visitation and decent with the finances.

He wanted to come in to the house to make sure I had gotten everything. I welcomed him to check and he found nothing else I had forgotten. He asked me repeatedly where the kids were and I said "They are at my birthday party. I didn't think it would be good for them to be here for this."

He cried a lot and maintained eye contact with me the whole time. Then after the half an hour went by he walked outside and started to put the things in the truck. I said "Can I have the keys to the house please?" He gave them to me and walked out the door. He saw my dad parked outside and said "your ride is here" I said "yea it is my dad" He said "or your boyfriend." I responded with my pocket response to that one "I believe in a marriage with only 2 people." I walked away and said "I love you" and got in my dad's car and we went to my bday party.

Sorry to leave you all hanging for so long but I had to stay away as long as I could. I miss him terribly and this is hard to admit but a small part of me hoped he would have chosen to stay with me.

This is pretty bad tonight but I am going to get through it.

Thank you all

I had a hard time the night before Plan B. I cried a lot last night but it was mostly about the fact that he actually left. I know I was scared that he wouldn't go, but at the same time I had hoped he would finally wake up and choose me. He is a harder nut to crack I guess. ;D ......Honestly, I do worry about him though. I know it is going to be a while before I stop thinking about him and when triggers aren't there anymore. He was the first thing I had thought about for the past 18 years. I love the man he truly is. I hope he finds himself again and then finds his way back to us. Here's to keeping HOPE alive

Well, I purposely waited until today to write here. I wanted it to be about the anniversary of my Plan B. Tomorrow is the actual day, but with birthday celebrations, shopping, etc, I dunno how much I will be on tomorrow. I figure I may as well get it over with, like ripping off a bandaid.

Firstly, I didn't finish the 50000 for NaNoWriMo, but I did more than half. There's always next year. smile

As my 2 year mark was approaching, I started feeling the need to defend why I was still in Plan B, with no Plan D. It is true that DrH suggests 2 years for Plan B. I understand that. I also agree with it, for most people. I know that there are some people who will enter Plan D quite quickly, and others who will enter it even after the timeline I have set for myself. Know that I indeed HAVE set a deadline. That deadline is for me only, as I may decide to shorten it. There IS one though, so don`t worry.

Why have I decided not to enter Plan D, yet? There are a few reasons, the main one is that I am not ready to be divorced. I am not ready to attach that label to myself. I can't even think about it yet, I'm just not ready.

Also, financially, I have things I must consider. As it is, Bampot pays me what he should, and does so on a timely basis. I don't need to file to ensure I get the money I should for the care of my children. If the need arose, I would do so, immediately. I am aware of my legal rights, and all legal avenues I could take.

I can't afford to buy Bampot out of the house. Unless he would be willing to sign it over, right now, with no strings attached, I would need to move. I don't wish to do that, so I am not going to press the issue.

Then, comes the medical insurance. While it is true that we can go to a hospital, etc, here for free, we do need to pay for prescriptions, dental care, eyecare, etc. As long as I am legally married to Bampot, he needs to keep me on his coverage.

I KNOW, logically that Bampot may never return, especially since the 2 year mark is passing. I know many posters didn't expect Bampot's affair to last this long. I know some others aren't surprised. I wasn't in either camp, because I deal with what is in front of me, at the moment, and right now, Bampot isn't pounding down my door begging for forgiveness, so his affair is of no great concern to me, and has no direct impact on the life I am creating, for me and my boys.

The other morning, DS8 was wearing a pair of red Olympic mittens. He was playing with them, as if they were people. He looked at me and said, "Mommy, this is you(showed me his right hand) and this is daddy(his left hand which was apart from the right one)." He then started shaking his left hand around and said, "I don't like you anymore, I'm LEAVING." And then the left hand went over to the right one, and they clasped. It broke my heart. After 2 years, my DS8 still wishes that his father come home and make things right. A part of me wishes that as well. A small part.

I was asked the other day if I believed that Bampot would return home. I answered as truthfully as I could. I told her that I believed that the happiest either Bampot or I could ever be would be with the other parent of our children. I told her that I firmly believed in DrH's words on that. Also, I told her that I have heard DrH talk about how BW's(after a D of course) shouldn't date until their children are grown. That would mean that I would have about 10 more years of no dating. So, what's the rush in getting a divorce? It's not like I need to get it done with. I will get there(and don't worry, it won't be 10 more years before I file).

Now, for those of you who have been on this journey with me, I thank you. All of you have helped me more than you will ever know, and more than I could ever repay. You ALL had a huge impact on the person I have now become. I think that I am more proud of the person I am today than at any other time in my life. I feel the most at peace, as if I am where I am supposed to be, and on the correct path. I have all of YOU to thank for it. MB ROCKS.

There isn't much about Plan B that needs to be written. Once you are firmly in it, there isn't a lot to update. I wanted others to see the feelings, and understand that they aren't alone.

Plan B is a God's send. It has helped me in ways I could never have imagined. I hope that if you find yourself at the end of your rope, and without hope, that you try to Plan A and then Plan B. It will help you recover in ways that you could never have imagined. And, either way, you will not only survive your spouses affair, you will THRIVE.

On another positive note, last Monday, my children's principal called me, and asked me to come in. I did. He then told me that an upstanding member of the community wanted to sponsor a family for Christmas, and the principal chose our family. I was handed $300 in cash. It will be used well, and was accepted with a thank you(see Pep?). I even wrote a letter to the anonymous man and sent it via the principal. The blessings just keep coming. Thank you.

Thanks Scotty. It's nice to get some validation for my efforts from a vet such as yourself. I appreciate it.