Struggling1

Could you please me to the article or page number in a book written by Dr. Harley where Dr. Harley promotes this? On His website...His marriage building website....

Stupid me-I thought the point of RECOVERY was for the 2 of you to work together using the MB's principles/program to Affair proof the M.

Would that fall under your responsibility to your M?

In other words To create a M now better than Pre-Affair times.


Guess I'll have to study more.

nESRE

Insult to injury is by *not* exposing.

Every poster who comes on here, thinking they have a special situation, and they don't have to follow the rules eventually learn the same lesson.

They are wrong. Every.single.time.

Nesre could you be more specific with your question. I'm not sure what you are asking. I am not trying to quote anything from Dr. Harley's website. We ARE working to create a better marriage.We are using the MB principles.

RidicSit I did not say that we have not exposed. I said, I am not telling my PSYCHOTIC parents. I do not believe Dr. Harley would try slapping me on the wrist for this as you are. The whole reason for exposure is to gain support and make the wayward accountable. It is not so someone can use the information to hurt you. It has been done by them before for way more trivial things. So yes I do think my situation is special.

Once you stop thinking your relationship is special, then you will actually be working on healing your marriage.

Until then? Notsomuch.

My mother is a whackadoodle. Always has been. She has never been a particular fan of my spouse ( she announced at my rehearsal wedding that she would need to be drunk to get through the ceremony. And she doesn't drink. And the list of her behavior? I bet she could win a psychotic contest hands down anyday. And twice on Sunday.) But I told my parents, and exposed- because it was the right thing to do. My husband has apologized to my parents. And while they will never be best friends- it is peaceful.

And my mother is the last person on this entire planet that I would have expected to be peaceful. Seriously. You just have no idea.

So- my diagnosis stands.

Let us know when you are ready to do the real work of repaitring. Because we can read the entire thread you've posted. Those of us with experience and healing our marriages? We can see what you are doing wrong, and you are fooling no one. No one, except perhaps yourself.

Sorry you have a crazy mother too. I'm glad it worked out for you, I have already seen what happens when my mother finds out about an affair. She does not believe in second chances. If you do not leave the sorry SOB and not look back then you are just as guilty in her book and she will come after you like the plague. She did this to my sister and it took about 3 yrs for her to pick up the pieces from the damage my mother did in just a few short months. She accused my ex bother in law of molesting and beating their children which was not true. She called DFACS constantly on them. She called ex brother-inlaws job until he lost it. My sister lost her teaching job since she kept having open cases with DFACS.

My marriage is special and so is my situation, to me anyway. I know for most people on here it is just another A story. That is fine, but do not tell me how to view my relationship with my husband.

I am not here to fool anyone. What would be the point. I am here for friendly advice.I thought that was the purpose of this forum.
I thought that was the purpose of this forum. As far as doing the REAL work, that is what WE have been doing. We have been doing everthing together our disagreements are handled much healthier and we are actually having more of them, because we are being honest about our needs and how we feel, instead of just rolling with it to keep from argueing.

I'm sure I am not doing everthing right because I am not perfect.

Stuggling

Let me start off saying I am a FWH/FBH now divorced since May of 2011. Weigh what I say in my observations of your sitch with the price you are paying for it.

I found your statement ironic





since you seem to be pushing to be in recovery.

As BS's we do not have a choice if our wayward has another A. That is out of our control. What is in our control is our ability to work the MB's program to the best of our ability. That is our responsibility when we are on this board and asking for help from other posters. Straight up MB's advice is given.

I have kept up with your thread since you started posting and observe fatal flaws. Your M may get better for a while or even good but the point of the whole program is to create a great M. Keep in mind I am no vet.

Other posters have given great advice and provided MB's articles/sources to back it up. Not their opinion. MB's priciples that worked for them. MB's program advice.

In one of previous posts here on your thread it was outlined that deviations from the program will not create the M that it takes to sustain the M in the great condition (that is required-IOW's affair proofing your M) after an A. Deviations create a crippled M that limps along. Also future A's remain a great possibility.

Some items you may want to consider:

Exposure-With how it was done did this create the situation where some will know and some not? Who do you need to be careful around? Were secrets created that may actually enable your WH for the future?

Note-Taking off the F hat for a minute- I loved it when people covered for me and allowed me to have no consequences for the sleezy low life decisions I made. Enabelers are a gift when your in the mind set because you know how to USE them well.

UA time-15 hours bare minimum for a recovered M. More for one trying to recover. This was direct from Dr Harley. If you can't devote the time then recovery really is not an option.

YOU keep making excuses for not getting enough time. Is your M really important?

Contact with OW-Yes just seeing other womans car around town is a hit off the pipe. Always brings up the idea of renewed contact. Could I get away with it just once? Wonder what she is up to? Keeps the fantasy alive in his brain. Too early in his mish mashed brain for him to be honest about this right now so don't even ask-He will lie.

If you really want to know answers then schedule a poly. I usually don't even bring this up but you never did explain the circumstances of either of your divorces. You gave a time line. No circumstance as to why either of you divorced.

Why?

4 years for him to D his previous W? Seems way too long. Was he already Wayward then? Did you know him long before he divorced? Did you know his friends and would they be honest about his character if you asked them?

What is your WH doing to help clean up this mess he has created? You said in an earlier post you end up cleaning up messes previously in the M. What action is he currently taking? Lip service is extremely cheap and worthless.

He needs to be pulling the heavy load since he was the one who brought this to the M. His actions (not his words) are the only truth you can stand on at this point. If he can not do the heavy pulling and lifting does he really deserve to be M'd to you?

Has he made and implemented a list of EP's? What has he done to be willing to deserve your forgiveness?

Thats what setting the bar high is all about. If you take on his responsibility or set the bar too low then he will never feel the consequences of his sleezy low life decisions and I would bet money another A will occur when the opportunity presents itself.

I am rambeling and this is way too long. I would suggest you go back and read all your thread. Copy items from posts to you that were suggested and copy it to a wordpad document. Then go down that list and compare that with what you have done. If you do not understand why an item is important then bring it back here for discussion and let the more experienced posters explain why/how it is important.

You are impelmenting some good items at times and at others you are working Plan Struggling1. Plan Struggling1 is not MB's and it makes it hard to keep with the program when you deviate from it.

Just my 2 cents

nESRE

Struggling1-

I wish you well, but like Scottie- I am not going to watch you not fix your marriage.

You aren't willing to do what's necessary. It's okay. You don't have to.

But with the plan you have now- and your attitude that you are special and above the rules- it will never be better. Ever.

Good luck. I hope you find peace.

Nesre
What is EP? I couldn't find that one.

He has made a list of EN.

As far as the UA time we are gettin 20+hr now. When I first heard that number I was very overwhelmed, especially with our schedules and children.

H has decreased his work hrs and changed his schedule so that we can have more UA time and he can be more involved in the day to day runnings of the household instead of me having to do the majority of it alone.

We have also established opposite sex boundaries.

H has done everything that I have asked of him. I have all the answers that I require about the A. I do not require a polygraph.

As far as people that were enabling him, I was the only one. He did not confide to anyone about the A, not even the counselor we were going to. He told me he would only tell him IF this was going on. Of coarse when I had proof he had been talking to someone all H*** broke out. He ended the A with other woman and left his job. It took almost two yrs for him to admit to PA, but once he did he poured it all out. I made a list of questions and he went down the list and answered. The not knowing was what was killing me.

H would not appologize or ask for forgiveness because he said he did not deserve it. I told him if he didn't think he did what should I. He said he didn't want to be given a pass for what he had done. Now he has done those things, and really I think by staying with him I had already pretty much forgivin him.

Everyone who knows H speaks highly of his character. Most people only know him on a working level though. Over the 14 yrs I have known him he has always exhibited very high moral character. Of coarse until A.

I see my old fun loving partner coming back more everyday.

Extraordinary Precautions

setting up an environment that has no opportunity to stray
and
to be completely transparent