He is remorseful, there is no contact, doesn't seem to be withdrawing and he is willing to do anything to help us recover.
Yet, I get so mad about some of the details. He went out to lunch with her and drinks on the same day A WEEK after they met? I mean, he was ready and willing... This scares me so much. What to do? I don't want to lovebust him...

I understand what you are going through. I have the same problem. I found out Jan 5th about my husbands affair that is over but I continue to feel very hurt and angry at times. The devil is in the details. My husband went to Tenn with OW. Took her on our Harley. Spent countless hours with her. It hurts and its hard to stay in control at times to help the recovery. My husband will talk about it if I am calm but he is getting warn out from it so I keep it to a minimum. He says there is nothing more to disclose. I vent through friends, journaling, exercise and prayer. My husband said the further he is away from the affair the more he realizes how stupid it was. So ensure your spouses affair is OVER. Expose it if not. Keep him accountable through friends, schedule, pastor, etc. I am GPSing my husbands car. I truly believe it was hell on earth for him at the end so he wont go back but peace of mind is a good thing
for you.

I nuclear exposed and it's over... still spying though.
Still so hard to think how fast it happened. We talked about boundaries and the slippery slope ad nauseum after my A. That's why I don't get this....

K,

Snooping is good. Two years after ALL the lies came out, I still snoop once in a while, whenever the mood hits me. It makes me feel safe.

What boundaries has your H instituted? Dr. Harley advises that the environment of the affair or conditions that allowed the affair to happen be eliminated. Has your H done this, i.e. however he met OW and how he conducted that A. Changing the environment is part of just compensation.

I understand the anger. I was very angry for a long, long time. But we had a tough go with trickle truth and a false recovery.

AM

Your affair put him/BH on the slippery slope to affair land. The image of you and OM bumping bumped BH onto the slippery slope.

Your BH was left with the feelings of WW got to have extra fun. It left you ahead in one upmanship big time.

It left BH sad, hurt, angry, mad, and thinking about possible revenge.

Fighting OM he puts OM in the hospital or OM puts BH in, jail, and or both, with BH being sued by the OM in court. Imagine a BH getting sued by the OM because the BH beat the manure out of OM.

Yet the BH can't go to court to seek justice, compensation, revenge, anything to redress that the OM banged his WW.

As Harley's say all are wired to be tempted to have an affair. That is why boundaries need to be placed and maintained.

Your PA gave your BH the excuse to delude himself that it was ok to have a RA. That an RA would even the score. BH re wrote history just the way a WS re writes the history to justify having an affair.

So as your BH was struggling with recovery he paid lip service to the boundaries that you wanted in place for the both of you post your dday.

You realize the importance of boundaries post dday and were needed for the both of you.

Your BH realized that you talk one way and did another.

The Old Actions Speak Louder Then Words.

So BH did as you did and became a WH.

End of story.

You will not be the first or last wife that was unfaithful and her husband had an revenge affair.

Whether WH or WW it almost never fails that when a RA happens they usually never thought that this could happen as a result of their original affair.

Yes there is the WS that wants to slam their BS when they have a RA holds back giving their BS/WS hell because they see themselves as being with sin and can not throw the first stone. Not too many of those kind though.

We have a list of about 15 precautions in place that will never put him in that position again. Yet, I guess if he wanted to have another A he could, as could I. I do NOT. I want to be married to him and have an authentic relationship. He says he does too. We talked about the slippery slope a lot and I said if it could happen to me it could happen to him. He didn't believe me.
Yes, we realized the boundaries and TRANSPARENCY needed to be in place for both of us.
My A was not a good enough reason for my husband to have his. He swears it was not a revenge affair or that he was looking for something... He fell off right away though. I'm not sure what that means for us.

kstockett

I think the fact that you deceived your H that the affair was an EA for a long time when it was a PA was a blow your BH couldn't cope with.

God Bless
Gamma

so he coped by having his own? Now what? Will we ever recover?

Yes.


Spend the money on some quality Harley counseling. They're maybe more expensive then me. Though I have to admit they have the edge on quality.

No truer words have been said.

But I don't believe your BH/WH when he said his RA was not and RA. He may not of been looking deliberately looking for a RA.

But when he was being tempted with the opportunity and the good angel on one shoulder was fighting with the bad angel on the other shoulder, your affair had left the good angel to fight the good fight with a broken wing, banged up halo, that was dim as well.

All the bad angel had to keep saying every once in a while during the fight was that WW got to have her extra fun. Why not you?

I don't care what your BH/WH claims that this was not a revenge affair. He used this as a justification.

KS,

Will we ever recover

Yes but since you only revealed the PA, if I am reading correctly, 7 months ago it will take a minimum of 2 years from that time, with some time throw in for the false recovery when BH thought it was only an EA.

Although I did not cheat on my W after her affair, mostly because of what it would cost my family, it does make the struggle men have with physical desire that much harder. In my pre-MB days I would have said that it invalidated my fidelity to my W.

Did you get tested for STD?

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma - yes.
But I'm guessing it's gonna be two years from his DDay this January..
So you guys are saying that it was almost inevitable that he cheated? Is my anger misplaced? I feel I don't need to take any responsibility for his A.

Yes two years from January.

No not inevitable. Most BS's don't have RA's.

No. No one likes to be cheated on. Why do you think there is a tendency amongst many WS's where they become paroniod that their BS is going to cheat and start watching their BS's like a hawk.

No. As your choice to have an affair is all your responsibility. So is your BH/WH's responsibility to have his affair. You would think that he would of learnt that your PA did not solve problems for you but only create new and much worse problems for the both of you. So he should know that BH/WH having his own affair would not solve anything but only add to the mess.

KS,

I get the feeling that you did not confess the PA part of the affair to your H willingly or on your own, how did it come out? Was he annoyed that you were reluctant to talk about the affair?

So you guys are saying that it was almost inevitable that he cheated?

Not inevitable, but perhaps how you handled exposure, how much money was spent, who the OM was, the sexual details, the 2 d-days, etc may have pushed him even more in that direction or caused him to give up inside. As men we bottle emotions up for years although we see placid on the exterior.

Pre-marriage builders I thought a revenge affair was the right of a betrayed spouse, so I'm not sure I wouldn't have done what your H did.

Is my anger misplaced? I feel I don't need to take any responsibility for his A.

Agreed he chose to go down that path rather than divorce you first, I think most people here understand that a revenge affair does not cancel out the misery, but doubles it so I'm am not saying your H was justified.

It's not that I think you are responsible for his affair, it's just that I sense your affair was not recovered from, and that created the foundation for his affair.

God Bless
Gamma

Most first-time waywards will give you the line, "I didn't intend to have an affair" or a similar statement. It's part of the wayward playbook. And it's true in most cases.

Don't psychoanalyze your spouse's intents. What matters is their actions.

We are doing well. However, fight last night. I told him how unfair it was that I talked to her employer and called her Mom and brother and because of that, she went to the police. I said I just told the truth to stop the affair and I got in trouble for it. He said, "life's unfair." I wanted him to say, "she's a skanky b.... and you did the right thing" I said how unfair it is that I might see her around town as we belong to the same country club and she occasionally attends university basketball games, where we have season tickets. He said yes, but what should he do? Call and ask her to move? I said you better not ever call her that's breaking NC. He agreed and said he's trying to do everything he can and that we won't go to any basketball games we can choose another activity, which totally misses the point.
ARGH!

KS,

He said, "life's unfair." I wanted him to say, "she's a skanky b.... and you did the right thing"

After 20+ years my W still does not see OM2 as anything other than admirable he was all fun and excitement and left W with very few, if any, ugly memories.

If your H has not read MB he might be subscribing to the popular notion of former affair partner as downgraded to friend.

Your H is also expressing the idea that your A was unfair and this was just tit for tat.

God Bless
Gamma

He says he has no positive feelings about his A or her and I said if he did I wouldn't be married to him.

KS,

I understand what he said, but sometimes what is said is said diplomatically, and it can be difficult to square their actions and words, or even their word with their words.

If I am honest about pre-marriage former girlfriends I can tell you that I liked physical details of one vs another, darker nipples being more attractive to me than lighter ones for example. So I find it difficult to believe that a man wouldn't find something better on the OW since men are so visually driven.

God Bless
Gamma

so you're saying he's lying about the positive feelings about her? There can't be anything about her physically over me, maybe conversationally...