That is a problem. SF is an important part of plan A, but contracting STDs.....

Perhaps someone with more wisdom/experience can chime in on this. I just thought it important to caution.

Indiegirl thank you for making me giggle

You're good....

The problem is that he has not admitted to the A yet. I continue to make accusations but he SWEARS there is no other woman! I of course had my strong intuition vindicated by listening to the var this morning. But he has no idea that i actually KNOW.

Sex is a HUGE need for him and if I keep turning him down or being flirtatious without action he will only become more angry. And if I demand that we use a condom, he will be offended and the mood will be shot.

I know sex is a big opportunity to make things better but it was difficult when I just "thought" there was an A. I don't know how I'm going to be intimate with him anymore now that I have proof. Can anyone say Oscar...?

Does anyone have any advice for THIS post?
Much appreciated

How did you reply to his text?

At first I replied that I don't think he can start fresh.

Then he said that we both have to make changes.

I agreed but dont think he can do it and I'm tired of getting hurt. I also asked why the sudden desire to work on our marriage.

He said he had a talk with a close family member and decided to give it one more try. He wants to WANT me and not someone else but we have to have more FUN.

That was it in a nutshell. Sounds great, but I need that A out in the open. I need him to admit to it and END it!

Who is the "close family member?"

He might KNOW you heard him.

And you got this recording from the VAR in what? The past couple of days?

Melody, I do know for fact who the close family member is. I spoke to them first. Not giving any proof but very strong accusations.

Tiger, yes recording is from a few days ago.

Daisy,

Send an email back that you want a great marriage with him and that you think this time you should take it slowly and just learn to have fun again with each other. Maybe you could say that the sex confuses you when the relationship is so off, so ask for a little time to work through that......
I would print out the questionaires and try to keep this site a secret for now, this is where you will come for help........When you are on the site make sure you delete your history on the comp.....
Then you plan "A" him and you keep snooping, if you find anything else, don't reveal anything, act like things are normal..........
You come back here and the vets will walk you through your next step.....
In the meantime try to find out who the OW is. Be a detective, use a GPS in his car, see where he goes.........if he/they have a pattern.........
It takes time in the meantime be a rockstar, remember your husband is not your husband right now but someone who is in affair fog, read on it, they say all kinds of crazy things, don't listen, don't believe........just realize he is saying what he has to so you are thrown off.......
stay calm and be cool.........

**edit**

Moderator's note: please help the poster with MB concepts

Plan A Daisy. Plan A.

Avoid any love buster comments and actions that WH can use to further justify the A in his own head. You already know that he is sharing this with OW and that OW is using it to manipulate your WH. Don't give them anymore ammunition.

Here is Plan A again for you. Really focus on the carrot part at this point while you work on finding out who OW is. The stick will come into play after exposure.

Keep spying. If you are unsure about your computer, use one at the public library.

Just stick to the plan, Daisy, and find out WHO the OW is. Don't get sidetracked by your H's texts, etc.

Got a CONFESSION!

Said he wants to make our marriage work. He broke down to tears. I explained that I needed proof that he ended it. He said that he told her that I was getting too suspicious and not to contact him.

But this just doesn't feel right to me and I don't want to push him away right now.

I've been doing my best to meet his EN and he is being very receptive. As much as I NEED to talk about details, he doesn't seem to want to give too many. He keeps saying that in order to give me all his effort, I need to stop bringing it up.

He knows he hurt me but wasn't getting what he needed from me. This other person (the homewrecker) was making him feel important and special.

I guess I'm at as much fault as he is for this happening to us. I told him that I was sorry for not giving him what he needed but this was the wrong way to deal with it. Any pain that I caused him was easily repairable by communicating with each other, but the pain he caused by going outside our marriage is going to hurt forever.

He said that he still has to get used to me being so affectionate with him because right now it doesn't seem sincere. I've reassured him that it is very sincere because I've missed him for so long.

I'd really like to continue on a positive road to recovery but don't want to scare him away.

What do I do now?

Daisy94,

I know this is a lot to deal with in a short amount of time but you have to set the recovery in the right place if you want a better marriage, first of all most marriage that suffer with an affair are having some level of difficulty.
But in no way are you to blame for his choice to have an affair, that was his responsibility 100%.
Tell him you will not take on any responsibility for that yourself......
Now as far as his OW goes you have to put a few things into place before you can move forward, look at what he said, he just told her to stop calling because you were on to him, he didn't tell her he was finished with the relationship.
If your husband is serious about recovery he will compose a NO CONTACT letter to his OW, you will approve it and you will send it to her..........there are samples on this site.......then he will give you all passwords to his phone, comp, he will install a gps in his car and he will be accountable to you about his whereabouts at all times, this is because he has broken the trust bond between you and you have to set your mind at ease, if you don't you will always stress out when he is out or on the phone, he should change his email address, change his phone # and then block her from both..........he should down shut down FB or any other social network.
He also will be truly honest about the affair and answer any questions you have.
He will put into place extraordinary precautions so he is never alone with any other woman ever again, he will not have any personal conversations ever again with any other woman.
He will give you the boundaries in the marriage he should have had.......
Of course he wants you to just stop bringing it up because he doesn't have to do any work to repair the trust.........right now you need answers, you need reassurance he is serious about recovery......
If he refuses these things it should be a good indicator he isn't serious and still is fogged out with his affair woman......he could be just trying to get you to back off so they can go further underground........remember waywards lie, yours is no exception, they all speak from the same refrence book........
If he refuses you expose the affair to both sides of the family, friends and to the OW's husband, friends and family. shinning a light on an affair is the best way to stop it.............ending the fantasy is the key thing and the best way is with a dose of reality.......
You won't scare him away, he is the one that will lose everything, he doesn't want that, he doesn't want to lose his family and the life he has known......
If you dont' start out right the problem will not be dealth with, right now words, especially his can't believed, the only way you will know is through actions, you tell him this, tell him nothing less is going to work, tell him he will have to prove to you that he is serious about the marraige and you and if he isn't he is free to go, that you will not live with him having an affair and then going back to the marriage without fixing what is wrong and he starts that with actions and honesty.......
You will not survive not knowing the affair has ended, you keep snooping, you can't trust him, they all say whatever they have to so they can go back to having both worlds, you and the OW both are filling needs for him.........why would he stop if you don't make him........don't be scared, stand up for your marriage and your family...........
If he wants the same thing, he will do anything and everything he can without complaining, he will do the work, if he won't then I think you will know he is emotionally attached somewhere else and isn't thinking about you or your feelings............
Demand respect nothing less...........even if he moves out for a while, you cannot go back to what you had, you can't go back to normal life without knowing where his head is and you can only know that through acts love and respect for you.
He needs to show remorse and humility.........a few tears doesn't cut it.......
Tell him you will work on the marriage and change the mistakes you have made but it is up to him to end the affair and to do his part in changing what he did wrong in the marriage, ending the affair with your approval together .......this is the first step.........you can't have a marriage with 3 of you in it.



jessi
stay here the vets will be around soon to help

Ok, you have a few things you need to do ASAP.

1. Have him write a no contact letter to her that you approve of, and mail it out together. It should be hand written and in his own words. No fluff, straight to the point.

2. You need to understand that you did not cause him to cheat. It's not your fault at all.

3. He should write out a timeline of events, with pertinent information about the affair. Just the facts. Use it as the basis for your questions so you don't get side tracked. Tell him you may have more questions after this.

4. I would suggest strongly that you get std tested. both of you.


Start with that.

CV

STOP doing this crap!

What is HE doing to repair the damage done by HIS adultery?
(Don't tell us what he says. His words are not believable, not at all.)

Forget scaring him away.
He should be afraid he's going to lose the best wife he could ever have.
THAT's the POINT of Plan A.

Daisy, please answer this question for me. I've put effort into helping you, and I would like you to answer one thing.

Did you ever listen to my advice to GPS WH's vehicle?
Yes or no?

Edit to add:

Here is why.
You said you cannot afford a PI.
Well, if you knew where WH went on a regular basis (from the GPS) you could have someone you trust to take photos of WH together with OW.
You might even get lucky and find out what car OW drives and have her followed.
Once you know who OW is, you have immensely increased your chances of KILLING the affair.
You expose the affair to OW's husband, I guarantee your WH will not be so enamored of her.
Until you know 100% for certain who she is, you will NOT have a recovered marriage.

thank u jessi.

everything you said makes complete sense.

however, i'm very nervous to be demanding right now. I know he developed feelings for the OW. He told me that he was ready for divorce if I hadn't apologized for not meeting his needs. I had always blamed him for my ill feelings toward him but after learning about MB, i realized that I wasn't meeting his needs. This, of course, doesn't give anyone the right to have an affair! But only when I stopped blaming HIM for all of our problems was he accepting of my pleas to come clean. I must've given him some kind of hope.

He said that he knew what he was doing was wrong but he's been so unhappy that the good feelings out weighed the wrongness of it.

During the confession he explained that he feels horrible because not only did he hurt me, but he has to hurt "her" too. I've been trying to be sensitive to him because I don't want to appear as the evil queen and make the OW look like the princess. But just listening to him wanting to protect her makes me sick.

I told him that I needed him to remove his passwords and change his number. He agreed to the password request (still hasn't done it though) but is adamant about the phone number remaining the same because it's work related. He told me that it didn't matter if he changed his number because he could give her his new number anyway, if he wanted to.

I feel like I'm taking baby steps right now because I know that he does not want to be made a prisoner and I don't want to scare him back into her arms.

He told me that he has made the decision to stay with me and that i need to give him some space to deal with what he's done (my interpretation is that he's sad to let her go).

I explained to him that if he'd rather pursue a life with her instead of me, then we need to do it the right way and get a divorce. He told me that it's always been me that he's wanted but she was giving him something very important that I wasn't.

He agrees that we both have to make changes but said that this is the last chance he's giving our marriage and if things don't get better between us then we will have to get a divorce.

I feel like everything is so raw right now and I don't want to be a tyrant by making demands. It seems to me like he is in mourning and his way of dealing with it is by not thinking about it anymore and by trying to replace it with happiness from me.

I know I need (and want) reassurance in place but I'm torn. If I drill him right now I believe he will shut me out and if I spread my requests over time he will become irritated.

My goal right now is to make him WANT me and forget about the OW.

I'd really like him to come to me and say "here's my passwords, here's what happened, who she is, etc"

But he hasn't and I feel like i'm constantly bothering him.
The last thing i want is to push him away.