My W discovered my A and other dalliances recently. Besides a long-term interest in porn (mostly on a computer), I had a short PA w someone that I worked closely with, over 10 yrs ago. She pretty much discovered my cheating ways with this person within weeks after it ended, even though I lied my butt off to convince her otherwise. Since then, starting about 5 yrs ago, I've felt the need to see several prostitutes (about 9 times) and visited a few massage parlors for the full enchilada. The first A, I really have no excuses for, the opportunity was there, and I did it. There was no love, maybe infatuation, but that person is long gone, and NC since. These more recent "events" I just felt a lack of SF from my W, and wandered out on a very selfish journey. Tried talking to her along the way, but it didn't help much. She felt "objectivied", and I'm a great lover! Now we've got a big mess on our hands. I've come clean on all of it, but she's pretty hurt. She has a long memory, and I'm at a loss as to how I'm going to fix this-I'm afraid she's going to hold a long grudge - she seems to be good at that. She's convinced that Im addicted to porn, but I dont think so, and I've thrown it all away. How do I make it up to her?
Shes never been super confident, either.

When discussing EPs, Dr. Harley addresses that the following areas need to change:

A) Blocking all communication with Affair Partners (AP�s)
B) Accounting for all of your time
C) Accounting for all money
D) Spending your leisure time with your wife.

EP�s are put into place to protect your spouse.

Protection = Care

EP�s are also designed to ELIMINATE the opportunity to have a secret second life.

Ok, so let�s talk about two different categories you need to create in your list of EP�s.

The first category is a list of one-time EPs that you will need to make sure you complete quickly.

The second category is a list of EPs that you will follow for a lifetime.

So let�s start with the first category items.

(what follows are SUGGESTIONS, remember this is going to be YOUR list)


A) Change cell phone number and give password & account access to your spouse.
B) Change email account.
C) Eliminate all social networking accounts (i.e., Face book, Classmates, My Space, etc.)
D) Take a polygraph
E) Make a copy of my vehicle keys and any other keys my spouse does not have and give to them (i.e., safe deposit boxes, business keys, storage cabinets/lockers, etc.)
F) List out passwords for all business and personal computer logins, and any other passwords my spouse does not have access to.
G) Give my spouse access to any banking/financial accounts, business and personal.
H) Install software that tracks all internet use, giving my spouse administrative access.
I) Install a webcam/security cameras for while at work that my spouse can access.
J) I will contact an attorney that will work on my spouse�s behalf and write a post-nuptial agreement.
K) Sell the house/purchase a new one.
L) Sell any vehicle AP was in and replace them.

Some of these things you may have already done. But these are one time things that you set up and they stay this way with little or no maintenance.

Include completed items on this list as well as items still in process on your list

Category #2 is a little more along the lines of EPs that you need to maintain on a continuous, consistent basis.

A) I will protect my spouse and their feelings above all else.
B) I will not participate in any one-on-one meetings with anyone of the opposite sex.
C) I will not discuss my personal marriage issues with anyone of the opposite sex.
D) I will not attend clubs, strip joints, or any such establishment
E) I agree to use POJA as a basis for all decisions.
F) I will be open and honest with my spouse at all times about the past and present.
G) I will provide my spouse a daily schedule of all appointments and contact information.
H) If I need to make an adjustment to my schedule, I will notify my spouse of the change immediately.
I) I will make my spouse�s phone calls my highest priority by answering them or returning them immediately.
J) I will avoid all chat rooms, porn, member sites, etc.
K) I will trade phones with my spouse at any time they request, NO questions asked.
L) I will leave my phone accessible to my spouse at night/or anytime I�m home.
M) I will commit to at least 15 hours of undivided attention with my spouse to meet each other�s ENs every week (time working together does not count toward those 15 hours).
N) If AP finds a way to make contact, I will immediately end the contact and notify my spouse about it immediately after.
O) I will install a keylogger, GPS, or any other tracking system my spouse may request.
P) Anytime I have the thought, �I don�t want my spouse to know about��.�, I will call my spouse immediately and tell them my thoughts.
Q) Anything else my spouse wants as a boundary.

Use this as a starting point for working further on your EPs. Add and change items that suit your situation.

Whatever you do, put your list together and post it on your own thread and then allow for some feedback from those that have been through this exercise. We want you to perfect your list before offering it to your spouse. There is so very little that a wayward can truly offer as compensation for the huge amount of damage caused by such a selfish act as adultery that we want to make sure this is done well. The continuation of your marriage is riding on these actions!
_________________________
tst

FWH(me)46; BW 45(SexyMamaBear); Recovery began 10/07;
7 Wonderful Kids Together, DS21,DD18,DS15,DS13,DS11,DD8 & DD4
Our latest addition was on 1/31/12 a beautiful 4 yr old DD adopted from China.

(my rule of thumb: don't invest yourself too fully until wayward shows evidence of participation/viewing by acknowledging and responding at least once or twice after their initial post.

Too many times I see posters investing wayyyy to much of their time and energy into someone who never returns or engages....and we have 4 or 5 pages of advice to someone who never returns.

just sayin'....)

She felt "objectivied"

I'm afraid she's going to hold a long grudge - she seems to be good at that.

Shes never been super confident, either.

My W showed up with a lack of confidence

sometimes women get ideas that they run with.

I've also read as much MB stuff without actually buying a book, and have applied all of it.

CWMI- forgiven by who? By God- the highest authority.

Indie, I have mixed feelings about a conversation with you- you are bluntly honest, and I need that. You are also sarcastic, which I don't need so much.