Not sure where this should go- but with Valentine's Day coming- I know a lot of people might go see a movie. And this is a warning that if you go see The Vow- it is a huge, gigantic trigger.

There is an unexpected infidelity issue in there- which left me a sobbing mess, and my FWS crying as well. It was a horrible stab in the gut in the middle of a well done movie ( it deals with a betrayed spouse choosing to stay with the wayward).

So- I just wanted to throw a warning out there- for anyone who might be contemplating seeing it. It was painful.

Who was the WS?

Spoiler for movie alert:




The main characters are torn apart by the wife's amnesia. The wife does not know the husband- so she moves home with her parents- whom we know she has not spoken to for five years- but she doesn't know why- and no one will tell her.

We find out she has not spoken to them because she thought her mother was weak, and she was incredibly angry at her mother for staying with her father and reconciling after infidelity. She blames her mother- and it is awful.

The mother makes a wonderful point- and clarifies- but the scene is incredibly ugly and painful. My FWS was upset, and so was I.

It was an unexpected portrait of how infidelity traumatized every member of their family.

And it wasn't just a lovely romantic story. It was deep and painful. And there was no hint at all in the previews- so it was a total blindside.

RidicSit,

Yea I think a great many people see too much of it in real life who wants to watch it in a movie. Particularly when the actors are wealthy and more immune to the social costs of their behavior then most people. Sharon Stone encouraging girls to provide oral sex to boys being a glaring example, apparently Sharon never heard of oral HPV, idiot.

A preacher on the radio this morning claimed adultery / vice/etc destroys more lives then alcohol and drugs. I not sure of the accuracy of his claim, but minmum 30%?

God Bless
Gamma

I was watching that Bill Maher show on HBO who I think is reall funny with my wife and his line of humor regarding Valentines Day and its simply a gift for bj holiday and how the level of gift was commeasurate with the level of sexual activity from your wife. He supported it with a couple of commercials from the Superbowl.

Funny until I had to take an anxiety pill.

I saw the movie this weekend with my sister and can't wait to take my husband to see it. The scene you described was powerful. It did not trigger me though..interesting. Maybe that is the difference between (you and your wife) working on recovery and (me) divorcing.

I have a real simple rule; I don't watch Romantic movies.

It's lose/lose. Either infidelity comes up, and I am upset, or it absolutely does not, and I am upset.

If nothing blows up, I'm not watching it.

At least the movie is not glamorizing adultery like most do!

But...this makes me think twice about wanting to see it. My daughter saw it (DD20) this past weekend and she didn't mention the scene to me. I just sent her an email and asked how it made her feel. Being a young adult who experienced her father's infidelity and how horrid it was on all of us, I wonder what she felt.

I asked her in the email if she has ever thought I am weak from staying with H.

Should be interesting to hear her reply.

...she didn't mention the scene to me. I...asked how it made her feel...I wonder what she felt...I asked her in the email if she has ever thought I am weak from staying with H.

Why? Why, for any of it? There is no answer, no response from her that is going to make you feel better. Consider:
A - "Yes, Mom, I'm still severely hurt by Dad's actions, and your decision to reconcile."
B - "No, Mom, I got over it. (And why don't you.....?)"

Go read my evidently useful posting on MMS's thread. The same discipline that I have urged him to develop I think would be of value to you. The pains BSs have to deal with are bad enough without inflicting them on themselves.

Oh, this isn't a painful exercise for me - asking my daughter these questions. I wanted the chance to discuss any residual feelings and see if anything needed resolving. My daughter and I are close, but she is not one to open up if she thinks it will make someone feel bad. #1, she needs to get over that and I need to help her in that area. #2, if she did think I was weak, by chance, I wanted the opportunity to explain to her why it was NOT weak. If her response had been B, "no mom..." then I would just say GOOD! lol

As it turns out, the answer was neither A nor B. I'm glad I asked her. She said that at the time she didn't think I should forgive him and she was very angry with him. However, she knows that us working things through was the right thing to do - and that she was proud of us, and me in particular. She said it would be different (in her view) if someone PUT UP WITH infidelity or just stayed because of image or social status - but she knew we were not doing that and we are now stronger than ever. She said she saw the value in saving the family and that she is thankful.

She also mentioned to me that H recently talked to her about something that was a trigger (my thread has details) and she could see how thoughtful he was being - looking out for my feelings.

SO - a very positive exchange.

Plus - you have to remember - I'm a psych/communications major. This stuff interests me on an academic level as well as personal. (Wasn't looking for pain!)

The long-term key is "Trigger - Analyze trigger - Dismiss trigger". Adding "Discuss trigger with others" and "Reconsider trigger based on recent feedback" is counter-productive, IMHO.

You're giving the ugliness of the affair life it should not have. Again, opinion from a fellow layman.

I wasn't, in my opinion, dealing with a trigger here, however. I know I mentioned a recent trigger - but that was separate from my asking my daughter about the movie. The movie - or thought thereof, was not a trigger for me. But - yes, I wanted to know her thoughts on it. I had never thought of the fact the movie apparently brings up about what my daughter may think because of us reconciling. I felt that needed addressing. We never talked about it after the fact and I think you need to deal with those things. After all, it's my job to help shape her ideas of what marriage is all about and how to go about it.

I didn't trigger from any of it - not one ugly, negative feeling. It made me feel better and it gave me a chance to discuss some very important matters of marriage building with my 20 year old daughter - who has recently gotten involved in a relationship that seems to have legs.

not to threadjack but we just had a horrible experience i usually dont like these kinds of movies myself but it was giving me some time with my wife cuddling next to each other.
i didnt know anything about the movie i came into it a little late but i will never ever watch this movie again triggered me so bad that i was shaking.

afterwards when i found out what the movie was is when i told my wife i will never watch that movie again.

"UNFAITHFULL"

I think Liam Neeson handled it appropriately...


... ok, maybe not. Wishful thinking...

wrong movie im talking about the one with richard gere

Nah, wrong actor. Right actress. Haven't seen the movie forever. However, what I do remember is Richard Gere... ahem... removing the OM from the equation.

movies/tv used to be a really bad trigger for me - i couldn't believe how much of our "entertainment" is centered on infidelity, and as if it's some kind of joke! i don't know if it's because it was easier to accept my feelings over someone else's situation, or what, but i sure spent a lot of time crying over books, tv, and movies. watching tv together was *very* painful for a long time (we didn't know about mb then). the worst was love actually. when emma thompson finds the necklace her h bought for that scheming twist in his office...when we first saw it, my husband said something along the lines of "that's what she gets for snooping." that hurt me so badly and should have been a big red flag. anyhow, 4.5 years past d-day and films/tv don't bother me too much anymore (thank goodness; it felt like it never would recede) and one of the things i really appreciate about our recovery is my h's transparency (not to mention the reboot in thinking). we've even watched love actually a couple of times. it hurts less each time; in fact, i would say the the trigger has become an opportunity (for open & honest communication).

thanks for the head's up on this one. maybe there should be a "film review" thread with appropriate ratings!

oh dear, while we're on the subject, i just saw a post (elsewhere) for a movie called "last night" with kiera knightly. that one looks like a big stay-away for both h & w's.

Even the Disney channel is a trigger. There was a show called Zack and Cody on a big Yacht. Their parents abandoned them for their own musical careers and it was celebrated all the time on that Disney show.

Recently I just watch Good Luck Charlie. They use lovebusters galore and recently flaunted the neighbor divorcing and then dating the guys dad. I was so disgusted for my kids. They cannot even watch TV without seeing divorce glorified.

I have to make sure to watch what they are watching to make sure they are seeing positive influences. When I see something like the Good Luck Charlie episode I simply say to my D8, "You know that isn't loving and kind to make divorce okay. Divorce destroys families." She just looks at me and says, "I know mom!"

Hey the next one is "the decesendants"
the premise is an affair that the wife was involved in and the confrontation and anger of the BS's also is a feature.........

Just great....I really wanted to see that one, jessi.

Guess I need to strike that one off the list...thanks for the heads-up!

Thinking about all this has posed some questions in my mind and I'd like to see what others feel.

When dealing with infidelity in movies and tv, is it hard on you no matter what - or only if the cheating is glorified? Does it differ for the FWS vs the FBS?

I remember several months after recovery began H and I were watching one of our favorite tv shows, Blue Bloods. (H has a man crush on Tom Selleck, lol.) The storyline involved a woman throwing herself at one of the main characters, who was married. He didn't succumb to the temptation and infidelity was treated very harshly! I was glad to see it - especially at that time when I was in "I want you to know how wrong you were" mode. H said nothing throughout the entire episode. A few days later he said it made him feel bad. I thought, "GOOD!" although thankfully, I did not say it. LOL

Recently, however, another show made excuses for the cheater and it ticked me off. H and I did not discuss it - and I didn't want to because I know now it is best to leave the affair in the past and that includes triggers.

On one hand, I love my husband: I don't want him to feel bad watching a movie or tv show. What good does repeated guilt feelings do? At the same time, part of me still holds onto the idea that maybe if he has to feel that twinge of guilt, he'll remember what an awful decision he made - as long as I'm not the one that causes those twinges.

The original post was about the movie - and how it made both spouses feel bad. I guess anything with infidelity can bring up bad memories. From a psychological standpoint though, I wonder if it can't be used for good if the subject is treated correctly and shows how damaging it is. Maybe it depends on where a couple is in the recovery department. ???

FHW & I will never again knowingly watch a show with infidelity, glorified or not. We watched Glee for a while, and the part where the counselor and teacher start to hang out together and get close began to infuriate me. So H turned it back in to the library.

I recently read "And the Shofar Blew," by Francine Rivers, a novel about a pastor who crossed the line into adultery. It all hit so close to home with the BS going through every single emotion I went through that I literally wept through the entire final quarter of the book--tears wouldn't stop flowing. I HAD to find out what they did, which is why I continued. Man, it hit me right in the heart, though.

In general, we stay away from movies/media that portrays it now, because I empathize far too closely and it causes me great pain, as if I'm experiencing it all over again.

We end up spending many evenings playing board games or watching really "safe" shows. Keeps us happier.

Did we all know that studies show that Romance movies, Romantic Comedies, and Romance Novels contribute to contribute to reports of lower relationship satisfaction?

O_o


Make more sense now?

Emotional porn...

Divorce is nothing but a big wife swap where some other man is raising your children. The saddest part to all of this is all the wayward is searching for is romantic love. Wife hopping and wife swapping seems to be a societal answer.

Movies and TV are the main advertisers of the "Grass is greener on the other side."

Because we are continuously raising children to not understand emotional needs as well as boundless, the hunt for that idealized romance continues. Meanwhile Lovebusters and inflammatory jokes about not meeting needs bombard story line after story line, and adultery comes in for the rescue.

The annihilation and destruction of families is a good thing today ... why because children do much better in conflict-less homes, so divorce already and make the kids happy.

Divorce generally just amounts to trading one set of problems for another with irreperable harm to the children thrown in for good measure! PI...so bummed to read your sig...he sure is still way foggy

Idealized doesn't even cover it - the portrayals within media are often impossible mixes of brand new and long term relationship ups, and any and all downs are minimized to the absolute.

I think of the WW coming back in the movie Couples Retreat and how her BH just kind of shrugs it off that she was out being a doorknob the whole time (not that he was doing much better).

yes, PI, i was looking for you the other day. i was so sorry to see your sig line change. i had read your story. sorry to hear wh is still being a wayturd. :O(

A good source is "Affirm Films" or of course Westerns. John Wayne always did the right thing!

T/J

Thanks Cali and Letty - Even though WH isn't dating the wh0re, he is still in contact, he is still her friend, he still hangs out with her, and he is still protecting their relationship. With every fiber of my being I believe he is divorcing me to try and win her back.

While under WH's care a horrible tragedy happened to one of our children, and instead of stepping up to the plate to help me deal with yet another travesty, he has now run even farther away from us. It wouldn't surprise me in six months if he fully removes himself from all our lives entirely.

I had to break Plan B to deal with our children and this new nightmare. I had an opportunity to ask him some questions, and he fully admitted he wants to bury his life with me and the kids, and a new wife will give him the chance to have a clean slate. Even though these new women bring their children to the equation.

On a good note - he is now financially annihilated. He can walk away from me and our kids, but he is going to have to do it extremely poor. His life is now strapped with debt, high CS, and it will be this way for many many years due to the all our kids and their ages.

I still work to put it in God's hands daily. It is hard to see how he responded to my child and how he is refusing to help with his injuries. Reality of his life will quickly sink in and he won't be able to escape himself for long. He has a cesspool that is growing and it is following him on his run ... Tough~

I am doing well. I am financially set for life ... I am working on house plans to start building ... I am taking a vacation with all the kids to the Caribbean ... my soul is starting to just be still ... I am in need of a very long nap

T/J OVER

I'm sorry as well, PI, that your WH has not woken up!

I agree that romantic movies and books can cause marital dissatisfaction: people start looking to an unrealistic idea of what it's all about. Oh - the feelings are just supposed to be so overwhelming that it carries you through anything - no work involved!

As for my movie/tv question, it interestingly came up last night. H and I were trying to decide which of our recorded shows to watch. He passed on one because it's description was that the couple was dealing with jealousy about a co-worker and going to see a counselor. Said he didn't like the "subject matter" but I didn't see anything wrong with that. ??? It wasn't a big deal to me to watch something else, but it didn't mention anyone cheating. Go figure.

I can easily say the odds are good that the movie included at least an EA if not PA.

Your WH saw that discription and said to himself: you can trigger, I can trigger, no need to go there.

So with WH thinking that you honestly think that he's going to even admit this to you when he just sees danger and says not worth the risk and decides to be safe steers clear then be sorry.

Well, I didn't think twice when he said he didn't want to watch. It wasn't a POJA so we enthusiastically agreed to watch something else! Win-win.

thank goodness mb was able to allow you to create your personal healing. are you going to plan b him for life? re your children...when my sister was little our dad stopped writing/calling. his CO got him back with the programme (my sis thought he had died - really). if you're not getting much joy with his direct CO, i'd move up the food chain, and consider MPs as well if/when you have paperwork.

good on you for taking care of yourself and your babies.

Thanks Letty,

Yes the military really let me down. The affair started because they actually let this single wh0re live with my husband ... can you believe that chit?

The issue was everyone saw my husband as an outstanding husband and father. No one in a million years thought he would cheat; they all believed he was devoted to me and our kids.

The military has no idea how adultery starts ... and hence destroyed my family by their ignorance.

Granted ... that is why she dumped him ... the military did tell them they would lose rank if they catch them dating.

The saddest part to it all is she has done this before and only saw my WH as a temporary boyfriend in a land far far away. She used him only ... he fell for all her lies.

I am trying to let it go ... I don't want that resentment ... so I am working to forgive.

I can see his life literally self destructing as I type ... all I can do is sit back and watch in utter horror how this once amazing father and husband has fallen so far from Grace.

I pray God's grace will get him everyday ... I am the only one left who still believes this awful wayturd has the power to turn his life around.

My babies and I are well ... we are living a great life ... it keeps getting better with time.

Tough~

I've been dealing with this issue since my D-Day 17 mos. ago ... my FWH and I always enjoyed romantic movies together. Post D-Day watching them became unbearable for me and we had to stop for awhile. But I can say that, thank goodness, with time it's gotten much better for me. Along with the passage of time maybe it's also due to flooding, since infidelity is everywhere in our society, we can't escape it. MB Radio deals with it almost every show; meeting people who are divorced and on second marriages and wondering if infidelity played a role; hard to find a novel that doesn't mention it regardless of genre, etc. ...
We now watch movies and TV series again, but I research the plots beforehand. It does matter to me, in deciding whether to watch something or not, how infidelity is handled, whether it's taken seriously and shows the pain and damage (as in The Descendants) or if it's dealt with frivously. We discuss them when we see MB principles at work: we've become experts at identifying MB mistakes such as independent behavior, traveling separately on business trips, lack of POJA, not meeting EN's, lovebusters, etc etc. leading to the cheating. So in a way it's a reminder of our past mistakes and what we've learned.

Itsme: Does your husband say how it makes him feel to watch something that shows the pain and damage? My husband didn't really articulate except that it made him "feel bad" and I have never really wanted to delve into it - trying to keep the past in the past and all that.

Makes me wonder - anyone know if Dr. H has ever brought up the topic of movies/tv/books and how best to handle these things?

My husband doesn't trigger easily, only when I bring up the OW and the A, which makes him angry and sad when I do. (I'm getting better at not doing so, but it's been a long hard process.) Watching infidelity in movies doesn't bother him, but he does indeed know how much I suffered by his A and is very remorseful. At this point tho' he just wants to put it in the past. The decision to watch romantic movies is up to me, he understands and turns it off if something upsets me.

Common sense approach is to state this movie's plot reminds me of the past and causes me to trigger and I need to avoid these movies/tv shows to avoid triggering. I hope you can at the least not be bothered by this info, and will hope that you will remember and understand why I need to avoid such subjects. If you forget why I refuse to watch affair related entertainment in the future I will tactfully remind you as I have done now. Is there anything you need to add to this subject you can always ask me.

No direct mention of the affair so the non triggered spouse does not have to defend themselvess but once this has been mentioned no need to for the triggered spouse to bring this up again. Unless the offending spouse does not respect this boundary.

Just another boundary being put in place for recovery.

The hard part is when it smacks you and you don't know it's coming - despite your best efforts to avoid such things. Happens all the time!

I never know whether to say something or keep my mouth shut. I think my H is the same way. Both of us just tend to keep mum. I know some couples get to the point where they can discuss it (in a constructive way) but we aren't there yet. I think for now it's best we just let it pass if we can't avoid it.