This is not starting as a very good day. My h just left to go look for an apartment. He has been home for three weeks now ( the longest this summer) and we've had some pretty good days. He is still in his affair and I've been trying plan A. What I would like to hear from betrayers is what do you consider to be positive from your spouse that is helping to save the marriage and, conversely, what is a turn off. I love this forum and how we can all learn from each other. Thanks

Noel,<P>I'm afraid there's not a whole lot you can do that will actually affect your husband when he's still in the affair. If he's still having contact with her, then his feelings for her and his addiction are still being fed, and it's awfully hard for him to see anything else.<P>However, it IS important to keep fostering that impression that you are nice and loving. It doesn't help anything if his memories of you are bad ones, because that only reinforces his feelings for her. If he does come out of the fog of his addiction, then it can ONLY be a good thing if he has nice memories of you.<P>The only way he can get out of his addiction is to have NO contact with the OW. I don't know how it can work any other way. I've heard some people say that it can, but I don't know how. I didn't work for me, I know that for sure! I still work with the OW (although I'm taking steps now to get another job), and it's been VERY hard to forget her.<P>--airheart

It might help by asking your h what it is he needs from you. There has to be something emotionally that he needs from you that he just hasn't told you about, that's why he is running to the OW. If he's still in his affair it might be a more difficult task.<P>I am now trying to work on improving my relationship with my h and I have to remind him daily of my emotional needs. I seem to need more affection from my husband than normal to keep me from wanting to contact the OM.

Noel,<P>This is very difficult. After my husband found out about the affair, the absolute worse thing he could do to me is talk about it or anything related to it. At the same time, it is that which helped me stop the affair. Until he has stopped all contact with the OW, I would suggest that you don't show disapproval, anger, or disgust at his behavior (even if you are feeling it). That will drive him away further. Act as if he is making a reasonable judgment and try to find ways to be kind and loving. The positives I wanted from my husband were extra attention, extra affection, etc. For your husband, the things he likes might be different. Try to find out, in some way, exactly what it is he likes about the OW. Not that I recommend that you act like the OW, but try to make your H feel good about himself in a similar way.

To the top.

I started another thread on this very subject Noel, WOW... great minds huh?<P>Anyway, I'm looking for advice from betrayers too and I appreciate what's here so far. Kind of what I expected. Obviously NO negatives allowed toward my W. I'm curious if I should slowly start doin more "overt" things to show love. I've been very supportive and am keeping my lips shut... but what about Flowers or cards or... well Ws 40th Birthday is this Oct, should I plan something like never before... or will that be perceived as fake and trying to hard to win her back.<BR>

I started another thread on this very subject Noel, WOW... great minds huh?<P>Anyway, I'm looking for advice from betrayers too and I appreciate what's here so far. Kind of what I expected. Obviously NO negatives allowed toward my W. I'm curious if I should slowly start doin more "overt" things to show love. I've been very supportive and am keeping my lips shut... but what about Flowers or cards or... well Ws 40th Birthday is this Oct, should I plan something like never before... or will that be perceived as fake and trying to hard to win her back.<BR>

See my post to Texas Man regarding the same thing... two of you at the same time asking a similiar question... obviously an important topic today!

Overt signs of love and affection are a fantastic idea, Texas Man. During my affair, I remember doing little positive things for my H and noting his lack of response. If your wife shows anything positive to you at all, respond with great joy and happiness and excitement. It helps. <p>[This message has been edited by TryingAgain (edited August 19, 1999).]

Airheart, thanks for reminding me to be loving. I'm finding that very difficult right now. I've been trying that for three weeks now, he's noticed, but he is still looking for the apartment. <BR>Holly, how do I find out what emotional needs the ow is fullfilling without asking him and reminding him what a good job she's doing.TRy again mentioned this also. I know he needs admiration and affection and I'm trying that. Sexual fullfillment is another but he won't let me near him.<BR>Texas Man , I'll have to check your new thread and find neww beginnings comment. Thanks everybody. I guess I should have stayed home and made him his favorite peach pie instead of looking at condos. But that made me feel better, I think.

Hi Noel (and this can be for TexasMan too),<P>Yup, it's going to be VERY hard I think to continue acting loving. After all, he's not really showing that it's working, huh?<P>The point is not really to get it to "work", but just to do it and hope he remembers. You, on the other hand must also think about your own self and not get wrapped up too much in what he thinks. You are important too!!<P>Am I wrong to think that Plan A is not a license to forget about yourself and just let the spouse walk all over you? I'm pretty sure that's not it at all. You still must stand your ground and let them know that you want to stay married and that it'll take alot of work to be happy and that you disapprove of the relationship with the OP. In other words, keep your self-respect! The balancing act is to somehow act loving and supportive while getting this message across. Beats me how you can do that... <P>--airheart

My wife is interesting in that she is certain she wants to leave but wants to "stay here" until our youngest is grown, 3 more years... and she doesn't mind if I touch her, hug her... kisses are just pecks though, she has an aversion to pasionate kisses with me... she's mentioned he's a great kisser O#&%$)#(&()*. Anyway, she's trying to be civil to me but I can't for the life of me get out of her, what I'm NOT doing that he is... For what it's worth, he's hispanic, we're both white... W dated hispanic guys in High School and there might be something there that adds to her fascination with him.<P>Airheart, you advice is so great from the betrayers perspective... I know to take care of me too, if I don't I can never hope to have the strength to make it thru... and your thought of Hope she remembers, as opposed to "be loving to make it work" makes alot of sense.<P>Just got back from my Prozac presription... 2nd time in 2 years for that one and sleeping pills too, I hate this stuff but lover her so.