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So I am going down to where my husband works this weekend. I dont know if I should take the kids or not. I feel like if I don't have the kids there, he will just leave and won't talk to me. I don't want to use my kids but I want him to spend time with us and see what he is going to miss if he is having an affair and is considering leaving. I also want to investigate and drive around. I have a couple of tip off points. This will be harder with children there. What should I do?
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So I am going down to where my husband works this weekend. I dont know if I should take the kids or not. I feel like if I don't have the kids there, he will just leave and won't talk to me. I don't want to use my kids but I want him to spend time with us and see what he is going to miss if he is having an affair and is considering leaving. I also want to investigate and drive around. I have a couple of tip off points. This will be harder with children there. What should I do? You got some excellent advice to your question on Melodylane's exposure thread and your other thread. I would have the mods merge your threads. Have you exposed your WH's affair yet?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I have no proof of his affair so I can't expose yet.
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So when will you be moving to where he is?
It will be very difficult until you're together.
Do you have any friends or family where he's at?
Are you in plan A? What plan are you in?
Plan A has the carrot and stick.
Do you have access to check his phone activity?
Last edited by BrainHurts; 02/22/12 01:53 PM.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4
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I have no proof of his affair so I can't expose yet. I'm confused on your other thread you said he chose his girlfriend. How is that not proof? Do you want to stay with your head burried and "hope" there's no affair? If he has a secret second life you will never have a marriage.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Posts: 22
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I said that we went through a similar situation 4 years ago and have been back together 3 years. Back then, he chose his girlfriend. I worry that if I did and find something out, the same thing will happen.
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He just sent me a text that said he is sick of feeling ted downt to responsibility and I should be patient or file.
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So when will you be back with him?
Can you check his online phone records?
Does he have FB?
Can you please ask the mods to combine your threads so the story is all together?
Are you trying to Plan A him when you are in contact with him?
Do you have any family where he is at?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Posts: 22
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So when will you be moving to where he is? I don't know. I have school age children and I don't know if it will be financially possible.
Do you have any friends or family where he's at? No.
Are you in plan A? What plan are you in? I am working to set up plan A. I am such a mess but I have read the carrot and stick info. It is really hard to act like it is all peachy keen when I feel like I am in the dark and getting screwed. We talked for a few minutes and I told him we needed to work on things ect. so he hung up on me. I wasn't trying to nag him.
Do you have access to check his phone activity? Im pretty sure he has another phone that I don't know about because I am the only he is communicating with on our phone I can check.
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He just sent me a text that said he is sick of feeling ted downt to responsibility and I should be patient or file. trn, I think that is the very best thing for you to do. You cannot possibly salvage your marriage while living apart and it is clear that your H has no intention of moving in with you. There is no hope of recovery as long as you live apart. The best thing you can do is file for divorce and get legal protection so he will pay the bills. I would also go into Plan B and cut off contact with him entirely. He is obviously in another affair and until he ends his affair and moves back in with you, this is hopeless. When you go into Plan B, you can tell him what under what conditions you would take him back, but it is doubtful he will ever come back. He is too far gone. I am sorry. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I do understand your pain.
When my WH was deployed and I found out about one of the affairs right before he left I called Dr. H and Joyce via MBradio.
Can you do this? It's free.
He told me while he was gone to Plan A at long distance until we were back together.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Let me put this into perspective. Living apart has destroyed your marriage, so nothing can change unless that changes. The solution would be to live together, but I seriously doubt your husband would agree to that. He is too far gone.
If you can get him to move home and commit to a program of recovery, you would have a chance. But I am doubtful you can acheive that.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Let me put this into perspective. Living apart has destroyed your marriage. The ONLY solution would be to live together, but I seriously doubt your husband would agree to that. He is too far gone.
If you can get him to move home and commit to a program of recovery, you would have a chance. But I am doubtful you can acheive that. I have to agree. It sounds like you're pretty emotionally spent. Can you start to prepare for Plan B?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Gee thanks. Glad I came here for advice.
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Gee thanks. Glad I came here for advice. I am sorry it couldn't be more positive.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Gee thanks. Glad I came here for advice. You still can write the radio show. Will you do that?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 22
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I want to keep my marriage, not just file for divorce. I dont even have the money to file for divorce and I just turned in my resignation at work. I can't handle all of this. I just came here hoping that there was some hope of recovery. It just breaks my heart, completely. I don't mean to be rude but that was the last thing I wanted to hear. I am totally screwed.
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I want to keep my marriage, not just file for divorce. I dont even have the money to file for divorce and I just turned in my resignation at work. I can't handle all of this. I just came here hoping that there was some hope of recovery. It just breaks my heart, completely. I don't mean to be rude but that was the last thing I wanted to hear. I am totally screwed. If you really want to try and save your marriage and work the plans like MelodyLane said, you need to be with him. So when can you move?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4
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I want to keep my marriage, not just file for divorce. I dont even have the money to file for divorce and I just turned in my resignation at work. I can't handle all of this. I just came here hoping that there was some hope of recovery. It just breaks my heart, completely. I don't mean to be rude but that was the last thing I wanted to hear. I am totally screwed. Also have you been to the doctor to get AD? Dr. H recommends this as you go through this. Can you get into see your doctor?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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I want to keep my marriage, not just file for divorce. I dont even have the money to file for divorce and I just turned in my resignation at work. I can't handle all of this. I just came here hoping that there was some hope of recovery. It just breaks my heart, completely. I don't mean to be rude but that was the last thing I wanted to hear. I am totally screwed. trn, I understand completely you want to save your marriage. But you have to accept the reality of your situation. Being in denial is not going to help. Do you know of a way to force your H to move into with you against his will and pay your bills? I sure don't. Because unless you know how to force him to do that, I know of absolutely no way to save your marriage. I know you don't want to hear that, but you are not going to get anywhere by believing illusions. Filing for divorce would be the best thing for you because it would force your husband to support you. And if he decides to move back home and commit to your marriage, you could always drop the divorce.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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