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My wife has been in intimate internet & phone contact with her ex husband for about 6 months, and the initial contact was over a year ago. I found out 2 months ago, and she hasn't stopped yet. He lives in a different country.
We are in christian counseling, but I can't get out of my head that she should "never see or communicate" with him again. Our counselor is advising me to act like my wife & my marriage are great, and try to change myself & my marriage that way.
My question is this: They have 2 daughters together, grown now, who I helped raise. What if one should get married or some life event like that, and he comes here? How could I ever keep that from happening? They already talk about being together & touching each other.
Also, is the 6 month rule applicable to emotional affairs also?
Please help my sanity!!
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Broken,
Ugh.....I'm so sorry for you. You're in a sticky situation.
Why did her first marriage end? Were you seeing her while she was married or did you meet her afterwards? What was their relationship like while their daughters were growing up?
The vets will be here to give you advice.
Good Luck!
CT
Me: WW41
Hubby: BH40...My Amazing forgiving man (CharpyTest)
DD: 8 DS: 8 DD: 6
EA/PA: 3 years
May 25, 2011 (Formal NC letter sent)
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Lets start with:
How did you meet WW?
Was she married then?
Why did she divorce XHOM?
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Your counsellor is a fool, acting like things are great is akin to acting like you don't care.
You can do a great Plan A to win her over but you must not endure the adultery in any way.
Has the affair been exposed ?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Ok, not sure what WW & XHOM are, but I'll wing it.
We fell in love in high school, she moved out of country, met the ex, married & had 2 kids, left after 5 years. She was writing to me after a year of marriage, and I didn't have feelings for her until the year before she came back.
She said she never loved him, never wanted to marry him, and came back for me. He didn't try to stop her, and cheated on her during the marriage.
For all intents & purposes, I thought she was just done. She divorced him 2 years after she came here. That was 18 years ago.
They never spoke for 10 years, and since then he has trickled back into her life. He since remarried & had kids, then his wife died 8 months ago.
We now have a 6 month old baby...
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Plan A is a combination of carrot and stick.
The stick kills the A and the carrot is to woo your wife.
WW - wayward wife
XHOM - ex husband other man
But I prefer POSOM - piece of 5hit other man
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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She was writing to me after a year of marriage, and I didn't have feelings for her until the year before she came back.
She said she never loved him, never wanted to marry him, and came back for me. He didn't try to stop her, and cheated on her during the marriage.
For all intents & purposes, I thought she was just done. She divorced him 2 years after she came here. That was 18 years ago.
They never spoke for 10 years, and since then he has trickled back into her life. He since remarried & had kids, then his wife died 8 months ago.
We now have a 6 month old baby... Did your relationship begin as an emotional affair while she was still married?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I think so. Not for me, but I didn't realize it had for her. I was 22 and dumb.
He thinks I broke up his marriage, but she was done. And that was 20 years ago.
I never thought about it until recently, but that doesn't excuse their behavior now. We have 4 kids together.
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So let me understand...
Your wife was having an affair with you while married to her first husband and now she having an affair on you with her exhusband?
BS - Me 36
WS - wife 34
Married 10 yrs
DDay - Early November 2010
WS filed Divorce 11/9/10
Divorce final 12/22/11
1 Corinthians 13:7: (LOVE) Beareth all things, believeth all things, HOPETH all things, endureth all things.
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"Also, is the 6 month rule applicable to emotional affairs also"
No. The rule is 2 years for exposed affairs. You are helping keep the affair secret, though so this is likely headed for divorce. Nothing we can do for you if you choose to enable the affair. Nothing we tell you to do can overcome your enabling. The longer the affair goes on, the more likely she will leave you for the OM.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I think so. Not for me, but I didn't realize it had for her. I was 22 and dumb.
He thinks I broke up his marriage, but she was done. . Wait up here. Was she married or not? If she was married, she was not "done." did you break up this marriage?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No of course that does not excuse their behaviour now.
An affair is never excusable.
I am afraid it makes your situation very difficult.
Your marriage is an affairage. A marriage that began as an affair.
The odds on saving an affairage are not good.
Usually the same things that the relationship was based on are its undoing.
In this case your wife tends to reach out to old loves whenever she wants extra needs met. She has terrible boundaries around men.
I am sure you know full well that you were the OM and that you did help her break up her first marriage.
However there are children involved now.
I know Dr H helps couples in affairages and considering the low success rate even he has with them I would either ask his help because you need the best or I would move straight.to Plan D - divorce.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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In all honesty yes, I guess I did. I gave her a reason to leave him, though I didn't know she was going to leave him & come here.
The story is more complicated than I can say here, but she left him because she was unhappy & he beat her & he cheated on her.
I didn't express love interest in her until she was here. She said he was done too, at the time.
Anyway, we've been married 17 years, and you're right on about her boundaries.
Just don't know what to do now.
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You have you're work cut out with the odds stacked against you. You have to wonder, though, if the reasons she gave you for leaving were true or if she was simply vilifying him to justify her relationship with you. One thing you will learn is you can't believe anything that comes out of a wayward's mouth. Unfortunately, you wife was and still is a wayward.
BS - Me 36
WS - wife 34
Married 10 yrs
DDay - Early November 2010
WS filed Divorce 11/9/10
Divorce final 12/22/11
1 Corinthians 13:7: (LOVE) Beareth all things, believeth all things, HOPETH all things, endureth all things.
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In this case your wife tends to reach out to old loves whenever she wants extra needs met. She has terrible boundaries around men. Absolutely - 100% spot on Indie ... Your WW needs a dramatic character change ... she has horrible boundaries and is a serial cheater.
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He beat and cheated? Yet she wasn't afraid to cheat and she felt no need to get a divorce?
Do you have anything other than a waywards word to verify that?
A WW desperately needs the OM to keep on meeting her needs. She will tell him whatever necessary.
It sort of makes you wonder what she is saying about you.
WWs tend to get crazier as the A progresses. I would buckle up for a rough ride and wear a VAR in case she accuses you of anything.
I would seek legal advice as to your rights and protect your finances.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Telling my pastor, my friends, and my marriage counselor is considered keeping the affair secret?
Why would I bring shame on my wife and end our marriage by exposing the affair to everyone the way Dr. Harley suggests, against the advice of my own counselor??
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Why would I bring shame on my wife and end our marriage by exposing the affair to everyone the way Dr. Harley suggests, against the advice of my own counselor?? Why exactly are you here then? Exposure won't end your marriage. You don't realize it, but it is already over. Get it. The marriage you had and think you still have is over. You have a chance to make a new one. VAR = Voice activated recorder. Again, why are you here. If it is to debate Dr. H advice, don't waste your time.
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