Mine "survived using the exposure tactic" too.

I'm a little late to the party, but my H's affair was also ended after exposure - within days!

Accountability shows self-respect. Sitting around and not calling BS on a cheating spouse shows NO self respect. Your spouse cannot be in love with you (or fall back in love with you) if they do not respect you!

My H and I had been to Christian counseling too - and he continued his affair during that time. Even went to a "save your marriage" weekend ....

All meant well - none worked. Exposure and Marriage Builders WORKED!

I didn't mean it like that. I was just rushing when I replied.

I understand why you all are coming down hard on me, but I'm really not trying to be defensive. I'm really trying to understand what you're saying. I'm getting 2 different methods of advice, and I'm trying to weigh them.

That's why i asked if I should just get the book first. But you're right. I AM asking for your help & opinions. I don't understand why my comments & replies are coming across so negative.

And by no contact, I meant no physical contact right now.

So where does God fit in all of this then?

I'm praying to Him for guidance, to save my marriage, to change ME.

I appreciate your answers.

Can you explain what you mean by expose myself & my motives?

She was writing me letters, telling me how miserable she was. My letters consisted of only what was going on in my life at that time. My girlfriend, my family, school, etc.

I had no idea she was leaving him & coming here. When she did get here, I saw her as a friend, and she went and dated other guys.

Yes, I had a part in her leaving her husband, because of her feelings for me, but I never told her to, never told her I loved her, never told her to come here.

I have absolutely no idea what she told him then or what she's telling him now.

I was NOT the POSOM. I'm sure you'll disagree.

Well, ya ought not to be friends with a married woman nor, while you are married, discuss personal issues with someone of the opposite gender.

Now you know.

Though your WW was having issues in her previous marriage, and was involved with other guys during her first marriage implosion, you and she were at least having a one sided

emotional affair (letters, how miserable she was).

And she then took those feelings of intimacy for you and gotcha as a romantic partner/spouse.

Now, here you are many years later being done to what was done to someone else back then. It really is frustrating not to see it coming.

Can anyone tell me if it means anything that she says she loves me, loves me enough to stay for the kids, says she's stopped talking to him, kisses me, hugs me, cuddles me, makes love to me?

Hard to say. Keeps you off her back about it though, doesn't it?

Sorry my first response seemed curt. I didn't mean anything by it.

I guess I meant that I was in love with her still when she moved in high school, and I've always loved her. When she started writing me though, I told her that there was nothing we could do because she was married & living across the ocean.

If COM means my kids with her, we have 4. 17, 16, 10 & 6 months.

By contact I thought you meant physical. He hasn't been here & I don't know if he will. He has young kids there he needs to take care of.

Her other children are 23 & 21. I have only the 4 kids with her.
My relationship was good with her kids, more distant since they've been out of the house. They were only with us for 5-6 years, and they never met him until last Summer.

You're right about it not being easy to stick around. You all seem so angry. But I will buy the book & read it.

Thanks.

Broken,

I am a Christian. I had no problem with Exposure or tough love tactics - ESPECIALLY as a Christian. What did Jesus do to the moneychangers in the temple? Did he try and change himself? (Not that he'd need to.) NO. He had RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION.

Christianity is about being strong. It means having faith in God that He will carry you through even though your spouse is mad at you for bringing their sins to light. You aren't doing it to be vindictive - you are doing it to save your marriage! The bible says God hates divorce. He does give allowances for it when infidelity has occurred, but with 4 children - including young ones - I would venture to say God would want you to use tools available to you to stop your wife's unfaithfulness and keep the marriage intact.

I have an easier time with tough love being a Christian principle because it was explained to me long ago; accountability is a VERY Godly principle.

There is nothing wrong with you changing yourself into being better, by the way. But why can the two ideas not co-exist? Dr. Harley recommends Plan A - which is all about you being your best self/your best spouse. But he also recommends exposure.

I can guarantee you after Dday reigned down on me I began changing myself for the better. I started having some self respect and doing things that would help my husband see I was the best option. But, in doing so, it did not mean I needed to be weak, or be a doormat, or allow for a 3rd party in my marriage. As soon as I had proof I exposed.

You've got to look at this in totality. There is PLENTY of room for God in all this!

Because she wants to keep you in the game; keep you as her safety net. She's not ready to give you up - but she wants to allow her to do what she wants to do as well. It's called cake-eating.

This should motivate you to action - fight for your marriage while you have the chance and before she's run out of respect for you for allowing the cake-eating.

Thank you Sunny.

One thing I don't understand as I'm waiting for my book to arrive, is what happens during exposure? I've told my 2 best friends & my pastor, and none of them has said anything to her about it. Understandably they feel we should be in counseling, which we are.
Is her family & my family & friends supposed to contact her & let her know that they know or what?
What if I tell people & no one says anything to her??

Those that have never been through this before all think "counseling" is the answer and don't want to "get involved" in many cases.

You need friends/family/pastor assistance in holding her feet to the fire. You need a game plan to explain to them how they can help you hold her accountable. First, you need to tell them that you are not asking them to side with you over your wife: you are asking them to be on the side FOR the marriage.

You need to talk to the older children, before your wife has a chance to spin this. Surely she will make it sound to them that she is "only talking to EX to better their relationships and ties..."

In-laws: what is your relationship with your wife's parents?

You cannot tell just a few select people and let her spin the tale to everyone else. You need to shore up who you believe will stand up to infidelity and take a stand for the marriage. THEN, when you are assured that these people will do so, yes - they should talk to your wife.

My children (now 16, 18, and 20) were VERY GOOD at holding my husband's feet to the fire - and I did not even ask them to do so. I explained to them how affairs work and why H needed to end it for good with OW in order for us to have a chance as a family. They refused to talk to him when he moved out - and would not be party to his plans; they would not lend a sympathetic ear.

The problem is, your pastor is already being way too soft on this issue. I don't think you can count on him holding her feet to the fire. That's the first change you should make: find a counselor who knows about Marriage Builders or at least believes in tough love and is willing to review the MB material and help you implement it. Better yet, sign up for coaching right here through Marriage Builders!

Sorry to say but the counseling you are getting can lead you straight to divorce.

If you have not done so already, review the information on Exposure. MelodyLane has a great link on her profile that if you look at anything she has posted, you can click on the link and go right to it. I'm sure it's already been suggested that you do so.

If no one says anything to your wife, well... I can't say I would be too surprised. However, it is your job to educate them the best you can about why fantasyland needs to be shattered for your wife in order for the affair to come to a halt. Arm yourself with knowledge and then teach them... let them know that if they do nothing they are wholeheartedly endorsing the infidelity.

Broken, we are not angry. What we are is task oriented. We also need to press you, to get you to see things about yourself, and to get HONEST.

Have you read all of the information on the site? Have you read the exposure thread in ML's siggy? Read through the thread in my siggy for BS's.

"She has terrible boundaries around men."

How do you get a WW to create boundaries around men??

What's a siggy?

You are not really this dense, are you.

You tell her that she has things that you require her to do. She gives you ways to assure you that they are done. And you spell out what will happen if they are not.

And you follow through.




The days of not confronting her should be over. Unless you just want to take what comes.


Get this through your head. The life, marriage, everything, that you had and thought you still had is gone, over, kaput, never to return.

But that is good, time to live in reality, time to change the game, the dynamic. Time to have some requirements.

The old life is gone, but you can make a new good one. But not with nothing changing.

Or, let things continue. It is your choice.

I would sat it isn't easy, but compared to what is happening now, it should be an easy choice.

Don't be afraid of it, don't avoid it. Embrace it as the turning point that it is.

"Siggy" is my short hand for "Signature" which is what is written at the bottom of my every post.

As Herb has mentioned, you tell your WW what is expected of her around men, ie no opposite sex friendships, no texting men that are not blood related to her, etc.

In addition to what's been mentioned: no texting, emailing, speaking with, etc... men who are not related - you also require transparency. Because she has shown she has weak boundaries, you must be able to verify that she is keeping her word. This means you having FULL access to her phone and computer: passwords, etc... And no clearing of the History on the computer allowed either. It's too easy to create new email accounts.

Oh, this will probably have her up in arms ranting about "trust" but you know what? She is not proving herself to be trustworthy right now. I can't tell you how many times "trust" is thrown in the face of a faithful spouse. You've got to be tough and take a stance on this for your marriage to stand an inkling of a chance!

You should check out the "operation investigation" thread.