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Letty #2718043 04/07/13 12:07 AM
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Glad to hear things are going well and you'e had a great family weekend. What a change in the weather, although the lawn is looking greener.

Body sculpting sounds interesting hope your not thinking about getting into the bodybuilding scene ... could refer you to a bodybuilder for some tips ... whistle


Me 46yrs
WH 46yrs "Isildur"
Married: 22yrs 8mths
DS 9yrs;DD 19yrs;DS 21yrs
Bomb drop:marriage not working don't know if ILY 12.11.11
DD:26.11.11
WH moves to OW house 28.11.11
Formal MB Plan A 14.4.12
Plan B 27.4.12
D:20.7.14

"There are moments in life that make us & set the course of who we become. Sometimes they're little & subtle,sometimes they're big & we never saw them coming. No one asks for their life to change, but it does. It's what we do afterwards that counts & we find out who we are."
Letty #2718056 04/07/13 09:06 AM
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I'm so glad to hear about the changes in your life, Letty! That just makes me SOOOO happy for you!!!!!

I totally agree with you on the PA side of things. And on the BF side of things, lol. I sent my DD a copy of Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders and she really does seem to get it, thankfully! We've had lots of great discussions after her big breakup back in October. (Don't get me started on that... the ex-bf really turned out to be quite the liar - but that's another story. It's good she got out when she did!)

I haven't gotten into personal training or body sculpting but it sounds great if you can manage it. It's really something when we start to feel competent (and confident!) with our bodies. With my mom in such poor physical shape these days I am seeing more and more how important it is to make health a priority!

If you remember the question - let me know! smile


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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it's been a year now since we implemented Plan MB in our lives. the first half of this post is more of a reflection than anything else.

a year ago i thought all was for naught. it was a terrible, empty feeling. now, things are quite different, and it all seems so simple. that's really the kicker - it really is simple and straightforward - just follow the instructions.

last weekend we were out of town having dinner in a restaurant. i was thinking about our trip to hawaii at the end of the year, and suddenly blurted out, "we should renew our vows on the beach in hawaii! doesn't that sound romantic?" (see, BSs still make mistakes too.)

well, H wasn't too impressed with that idea. for some reason, that disappointed me. it must have been written all over my face, because a moment later he reached over, took my hand, and said, "why don't we do it at [place we married] when we're there later that month?"

the man i married would never have thought to say (or do) something like that. romantic gestures have never been his strong suit (or, just "suit"). this is a very impressive change!

it really topped up the LB$. we both are in sync, both make the effort, and the results are worth waiting for.

==============================================================

current issues for BSs:

1. a few weeks ago i went into my old hotmail account, and started deleting all the old email there (hundreds of emails). when i got down to the dregs, i found that i hadn't deleted all the evidence of Hs a way back when. and of course, like a fool, i opened and read them all. this is a stupid thing to do. don't do that. however, i still can't make myself delete it all - especially the important things i uncovered, aliases, passwords, etc. maybe next year at this time i'll be able to do that.

2. how to be supportive. H has recently had to return to work with a company he does not enjoy. the work is very pedantic (as in, it doesn't matter if it's done properly, it matters that it's done "this way.") so now he comes home everyday in a [censored] mood, and he doesn't know how to let it go/leave it outside, and isn't open to advice about how/why to do that. i'm open to suggestions on how to be supportive as a wife in these circumstances. i do listen to him complain about his day, and commiserate with him, but it doesn't seem/feel like i'm doing enough/doing it right. i don't want this to become a weight in our relationship. the good news is that it's short term, maybe just 'til the end of the year.

after some thought, i realise that this is the only issue in our m at this time, and that makes me quite happy.

sunny, i'd be interested in hearing more about your dd and bf - what on earth happened? my dd is just getting ready to move back where we are to finish her last year of studies; she's coming this weekend for job interviews/look for apt. the bf will be in tow for the move, even though she is not happy and knows she needs to break it off. i've been supportive - listening without judging, suggesting alternatives without being judgmental, etc. is the more i can do?

i'm off now to make a nice pork roast for dinner, with these fan sliced potatoes everyone is talking about. i'm also geared up to make H a banana cake with passionfruit topping, AND i just got a parcel from Go Native NZ with fair trade shea butter, almond oil, and coconut oil, so i'm going to whip up some, ahem, whipped vanilla-sugar body butter. how on earth do i ever have time to go to work? i love the holidays. smile


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It's amazing, Letty, I was just thinking about you.

I hope you can rightly enjoy the renewal service as we did. It closed the door on a lot of issues that, while unspoken, still lingered on.

As for his struggles "enjoying" his job, you can open up the "admiration" and "appreciation" spigots as opportunities present themselves. Bride still works as a special ed High school teacher, and her job has been so "warped" by the NYS education "experts", and the students' attitudes have degraded so much, that she can barely remember how she used to enjoy it. I can usually finagle on or two positive stories from her each week, and work them into our discussions ("But remember, you told me that 'Stoner' was actually sober in class THREE days last week!")

She has the calendar marked: there are 25 more class-days in the school-year.

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We have a rule at our dinner table. If anyone says anything negative about anyone, they are required to say 3 nice things about them before getting up from the table. We've made it into a game and causes us to hink about the positive side of every situation.

I'm not sure if that will work in you case but might be worth a try


Me - BH 49 years old
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Ah - I'm just getting a bit caught up around here... I've been swamped lately! I have finals and my poor daughter got really sick and came home this week - she has finals next week, but needed mommy. smile

Glad that all is going well, Letty. I can relate to your last post. I did the same thing once - read old stuff and felt cruddy about it afterward, wondering why I didn't just delete it.

Sorry about H's job. I know that is no fun!

I can also relate to the "non-romantic" issue you mentioned. I would have been disappointed by the first reaction too - but, he made a nice recovery! smile

I'm curious as to why you thought it was a mistake to make that suggestion though? You said, "see...even BS's make mistakes too" in reference to suggesting vow renewals in Hawaii. ???

Homemade body butter???? Sounds like a blast!
LOL

As for my DD and the ex-bf, it's a bit of a long story. After months of him contacting her occasionally and her trying to get over her broken heart, she finally discovered the truth about him. He had been hitting up other girls via facebook and such when he supposedly was in this committed relationship with her. In fact, he had been doing so even before he came back home for his month-long visit in which she went with him to his best friend's wedding and all this stuff - right before the break-up.

Quite frankly, I wasn't surprised: not after the way he acted and the things he said to her through November and December: there was too much projecting going on.

So, after finding out about all his lying and cheating ways, she immediately went from being heart-broken to being thankful that she was spared from worse. She shudders to think she was on the path to probably marrying this guy one day. No wonder he wanted to stay overseas and work!

It's hard to know how to help your young-adult children through their relationship struggles. The best you can do is to educate,educate, and educate some more! my DD knows all the MB principles...and I have sent her every article on this website pertaining to dating and finding the right mate. I also gave her a copy of Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders.

Some of it depends on the relationship you have with her: if they think you're trying to control them they resent it. But, if they trust you - and trust that you have their best interests at heart, they tend to listen even when you think they aren't. SO - your daughter wants to break it off with this guy: maybe she's just having trouble doing it because she knows it's going to hurt - and change is always hard. Of course, it's somewhat cruel to keep him hanging in there if she knows he's not the one. Maybe you can appeal to that side of her.

My DD once had a boyfriend she had a terrible time breaking up with: she felt so bad for him because he was not treated very well by his family and she hated to be the person to cause him more pain. Yet, she knew he was not long-term relationship material - at least not for her. She felt awful - I felt awful - we all felt awful, even though it was the right thing.

I'm not saying that's your case; I guess my point is, breakups are never easy even when they are for the best. Be patient and be there for her in whatever role she will let you. I'm sure you will!


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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so, it's been awhile since i've been in. things are still going great! i just popped in because i have a friend who is doing this thing that i thought sounded really cute and might be helpful to other couples who have divergent interests. they call it the ABCs of dating. every weekend they do 3 things that start with that week's letter. that's right, THREE things! they've experimented with all kinds of activities that took them both out of their comfort zones, they're having fun together, and really getting to know each other better than before. i thought it sounded pretty nifty, and we're considering it, though probably just at 1 activity per letter.

for those newbies who are wondering if MB works: if the others haven't yet convinced you, i don't know if i can add anything. but 18 months or so ago i thought i'd never be able to cope, to trust, to have a real marriage again, and now i can't refer enough couples, in crisis or not, to MB. it really does work. the great part is i'm not the only one who feels this way. my husband couldn't be happier, either, and HE was a major skeptic!


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That's a wonderful update, Letty! Thanks for stopping in. I'm happy to hear the recovery is going well for you two.

Have fun with your new date ideas. Please let us know what you come up with. I can't imagine figuring out something fun to to for every letter of the alphabet, but it's certainly imaginative and creative!


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Originally Posted By: Letty
so, it's been awhile since i've been in. things are still going great! i just popped in because i have a friend who is doing this thing that i thought sounded really cute and might be helpful to other couples who have divergent interests. they call it the ABCs of dating. every weekend they do 3 things that start with that week's letter. that's right, THREE things! they've experimented with all kinds of activities that took them both out of their comfort zones, they're having fun together, and really getting to know each other better than before. i thought it sounded pretty nifty, and we're considering it, though probably just at 1 activity per letter.


That does sound like a neat idea, but I'm not sure if we'd be up for trying Zoroastrianism on the 26th week...

Glad you guys are doing well!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted By: markos
Originally Posted By: Letty
so, it's been awhile since i've been in. things are still going great! i just popped in because i have a friend who is doing this thing that i thought sounded really cute and might be helpful to other couples who have divergent interests. they call it the ABCs of dating. every weekend they do 3 things that start with that week's letter. that's right, THREE things! they've experimented with all kinds of activities that took them both out of their comfort zones, they're having fun together, and really getting to know each other better than before. i thought it sounded pretty nifty, and we're considering it, though probably just at 1 activity per letter.


That does sound like a neat idea, but I'm not sure if we'd be up for trying Zoroastrianism on the 26th week...

Glad you guys are doing well!

Nice to hear from you Letty. smile

I'm not as creative as you markos. I'd have to go with Zoo on the 26th week. smile


FWW/BW (me)
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2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Glad to hear things are going well Letty.

If you get stuck on a letter you could ask the creative MB crowd for help.

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and i thought i'd catch up. we're approaching the 2 year mark of real recovery (versus what we had post a, which involved a lot of wayward behaviour).

we don't have an emoticon that waves! hello old friends!

i am still a solid advocate for MB. while i may not pop in here too much, i find myself recommending MB to others i meet in other areas of my life, a or just m, ya know?

and i have to say, my H has come a looooooooooooong way. while it is a damn shame that it takes an a to shake your m out of whatever state is was in, even if only one of you thought it was bad, a recovered m is certainly a stronger one for having been broken. 7 years ago i thought my marriage was over. 2 years ago i thought it was irreparable. and while i'm a little wary about saying it, thinking that being 100% positive = a bad turn...i think we might be recovered. or at least on the downhill slope.

ahhhh, i wrote a book and then deleted it all. i can be verbose. let me just say that MB has become a way of life, and that MB structures and routines have become a part of what our m IS. and we are both the happier for it. he's happy and fulfilled, i'm very, very happy, and the evidence of MB really working is stamped all over our m. in how we speak to each other. in how we plan our time together. in how we look forward to both of those things. and at the end of the day, how we go to sleep intertwined.

it takes time. sometimes, you think that even though many months have passed you haven't made any progress. but then you realize: you're making it! you're getting there!

we just spent a nice time overseas, and it was a far cry from our last visit, just before i went PB. we had such a good time together (even with an adult child in tow), and feel so good about each other. building happy memories.

i have a book, a lovely album my sister gave me, that has an engraved plaque on it: the first 10 years. i've put off, and put off, working on the 2nd ten years, because the first of those years was the bad one, and every time i sat down with it, it make me rethink everything. but i finally said to myself: enough time has passed. do it. and i did. i sat down with all my scrapbooking stuff (i'm not a scrapbooker, but i tried) and just kept going, putting in tokens, making a list of photos to add...and by the time i got to 2013 i'd had a huge realization: things had changed. h had changed. i had changed. and that even though the book starts with the bad year, it ends, currently, with the best year ever. i guess it was seeing the evidence of it, right in front of my face, in my hands, was the clincher that we've done it.

recovery is hard work. it takes time. it feels forced, fake, even awful at first. but just like any other habit you've developed, it becomes second nature. and unlike your other habits (most likely!) this one is good for you and probably feels a heck of a lot better, too. keep working it. keep pushing for the best m you can have. keep your head up, keep your boundaries clear, keep your ENs high, and don't be willing to take crumbs. do be aware that your ws won't change from [censored] to amazing person overnight - even when overnight is several months. but if they are truly trying, don't give up. you will get there if you follow the MB road map. that's what it is here for.


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Very happy for you and your H, Letty. Congratulations!

We have found, like you, that MB does indeed become a way of life. We see it, or the lack of it, in the movies we watch and in the real-life situations all around us.

My H says that although we've been married for 34 years, we've only actually been really and TRULY married for the last three.

The road to recovery is long and arduous, but the present is certainly MUCH better than we all began.

clap

Thank you for sharing your encouraging update.


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So nice to see you, my friend.

Thanks for the wonderful update. Don't be a stranger. hurray


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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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hey y'all. i wish i weren't such a stranger. it's just that work is so full on, and when i'm home, i want to be with h and not on the computer, ya know? as much i like being here, and being able to help others, it can also sometimes be a bit overwhelming, too. the term is starting to kick into high gear, but i'll be back in the first set of holidays; not going anywhere or doing anything this year!

am right now planning next weekend's activities. we're really focused on our house, and just sold a car that will enable us to - finally - recarpet the whole house, which so desperately needs it. we're hoping to stone a section of our yard (which was previously barked) next saturday. that will, i think, warrant the refilling of the spa pool, too hot or no!

my dd has a new bf, and he seems like a goodie. i've been guiding her the MB way - if she's going to be a buyer, he has to be one too. he seems to have a good head on his shoulders. and is much more prepared than the last bf to be in a relationship.

i've been popping into other threads to check on old friends, and see there have been some changes while i've been incommunicado. i know some people are friends offline, but i never seem to have gotten that far blush (and i don't facebook). now's a time, though, were i wish i could reach a couple of people outside of MB, just to see how they're going!

happy valentine's day, everyone, wherever you are. make new memories to increase your happiness.


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Letty #2865778 09/12/15 08:05 PM
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hey everyone. i just thought i'd pop in and put the end to my story here.

i have left my husband. i bought my own home a couple of months ago and moved relatively quickly. H was kind enough to agree to putting the separation date back so that i could file for divorce quickly (there's a 2 year waiting period in NZ), and all the other little things that come with dismantling a 22 year relationship he has been kind and generous about.

this was a huge step, but what i discovered was that it wasn't as hard as i thought. even though separating looks insurmountable, it's the *decision* that's huge, not the actual doing. and being the one to decide to leave the relationship is also much more palatable. have a plan, right? once you make the decision, everthing does fall into place.

why did this happen? because after all this time, despite our relationship being better than it ever had been, i realized that better than horrible wasn't good enough. i was the one doing most of the work. i made the plans, i made sure they were carried out, i met all of his needs. but he did very little. i mean, sure, he said and did all the right things, but it just didn't feel...real. and you know what? that's just not good enough. life is too short.

here is the story, for what it's worth. a few months back, H said to me, "how would you feel about dinner and a movie friday night?" i was pretty excited, because it's rare that he wants to do both. i even sat on the opposite side of him, so he wouldn't have to touch my "popcorn hands" (he hates the smell of popcorn). but he didn't hold my hand, unless i took his first. and then we went to the pub next door for dinner. we sat at the table waiting for our food, and i looked at the other people...and back to H, who didn't have his arm on me or my chair, and didn't have his body towards me when we spoke. and i thought: what the f am i doing here? what am i getting, that i want, from this relationship? why have i worked so hard to hold on to *this?* and then it clicked. he was perfectly happy. i was meeting all his needs. but i was miserable. before you ask, of *course* he knew my needs. of *course* we talked about them, did the worksheets, had more than plenty of UA time.

i believe that MB is the way forward from an affair, whether that is recovery or separation. and i will use MB to navigate any future relationship. i think now, more than ever, that the harley method for relationships is sound and viable, and creates the relationship i would want to have.

if i could go back 9 years and talk to my formerly terrified self, i would say: cut your losses and RUN and never look back.

so, if you're interested, i'm living in a sweet little house on the other side of our "hill." it has a lovely deck with a view of the ocean, and is small enough for just me while large enough for my life. i still have my same job, and financially i'm perfectly fine at the end of the day. i had no desire to beggar my husband to start my new life. i left him everything and just asked for an agreed-upon (half) value of our family home. my new neighbours are lovely, and i've been out a fair bit socialising with friends. i look forward to meeting someone eventually, and starting a new life, but for now, i'm happy to be alone. i am content, satisfied, and happy that i no longer have to worry about him and his problems/moods/temperament. if anything, i have not felt alone, scared, or lonely, but relieved and relaxed.

i am happy to answer any questions. i do believe MB is the way, it's just that you don't have control over others, only yourself. and if the other person isn't going to do their bit, then stop pushing.

shoutout to rocketqueen, unwritten, sunny, caracal, scottie, and some others who know who they are :P


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Letty #2865782 09/12/15 08:15 PM
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Letty, thanks so much for the update!! Sometimes the definition of success is divorce and I am happy that you were able to see that in your situation. As you know, you can't FORCE a person to meet your needs. You gave it your best show. Very proud for you!!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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thanks mel! i have missed your wise and firm words! keep up the good work 'round here, ok? there's so many people who need you.


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Letty #2865784 09/12/15 08:36 PM
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Thanks for the update Letty. I have thought about you many times. You definitely put in the hard work and put up the good fight.

So did he even try and talk you out of the divorce?


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WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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>> so did he even try to talk you out of the divorce?

hahahaha, nope! not even once. in fact, once i said, "you know, you're right. we just can't do this anymore, i'm leaving, you can have everything," he dropped any and all pretenses to ever having loved me. he treats me like a friend. i appreciate how kind and generous he has been to me during this process, but...i have no words, really.

there's still a part of me that's sad and angry, but mostly not. my love bank is empty, and he's not chosen to try to fill it any more.


fBW 49
xWH 55
DD 22
DDay 6/07
D 8/15
Letting Go
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Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
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