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#2602978 03/06/12 11:11 AM
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New to this forum. A little background.........

Married to the girl of my dreams for almost 20 years and we have 7 children together.

What I am struggling with is this..........my seventeen year old son has a really good friend of the same age that he spends a lot of time with. Well, it appears, that this friend has a crush on my wife. My wife is very beautiful and has the body of an 18 year old (does NOT look like she has had seven children!!).

Well, this friend has an older model corvette and my wife has taken two rides with him in this car (as you know, the corvette only seats two). First ride I knew about, the second ride she did not tell me about and I found out from my 14 year old daughter! As you might imagine, I was livid!!

This friend and my son are a part of a political group for young people and my wife has taken it upon herself to help with transportation for those who cannot drive. This friend and my wife have exchanged e-mails about meeting times and locations, nothing more. Well over the weekend, I bought my wife a new car and she took it upon herself to e-mail this young man to tell him about her new car. He was on vacation with his family no less when she e-mailed him!! Let's put it this way, her car could rival his corvette.

Bottom line, I FEEL that her e-mailing and texting this young man is inappropriate and should not be taking place. There have been no more 'car' rides since January 13 (probably for obvious reasons). As stated above, she is very attractive and does not look like she is 40 years old. Am I over reacting? Should I just let these actions slide off of my back and move on? I know this kid is no threat to me, but it SURE feels like it.

I have calmly talked to her about how I feel about this and she keeps telling me that 'I don't trust her'. Well, this most recent e-mail was hidden in the trash can so she obviously did not want anyone to see it. Her actions with this young man have put a strain on our marriage. I just want it to stop.

Any suggestions??

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Originally Posted by NavyVet
I have calmly talked to her about how I feel about this and she keeps telling me that 'I don't trust her'. Well, this most recent e-mail was hidden in the trash can so she obviously did not want anyone to see it. Her actions with this young man have put a strain on our marriage. I just want it to stop.
\

You rightly sense that this is headed to dangerous ground. And it is. Opposite sex friendships are how affairs begin. Your wife is headed straight into a bigger nightmare because this is a boy. That is the kind of stuff that lands on the front pages of local newspapers. We have another husband, just like you, whose wife fell for a 15 year old boy. [her son's friend] She is now in PRISON for her affair with this boy. Their affair was painted all over the front page of their local newspaper for months. They are now divorced and she is in prison. Her reputation is destroyed and her children are humiliated.

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I have calmly talked to her about how I feel about this and she keeps telling me that 'I don't trust her'.

As you shouldn't when she is engaging in very risky behavior. That is like asking you to trust her while she goes drunk driving. No one should be trusted when act with reckless disregard to obvious risks. If she says "you don't trust me!!" Politely agree with her. Tell her that you do not trust her and if she wants you to trust her, she needs to act in a trustworthy manner. Starting by ending her relationship with this boy!

Check out this article by Dr Harley: Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage?

Knowing what I know, I would suggest you DEMAND she end this relationship with this young boy. And if he doesn't buzz off, you can have a man to man and tell him to take a hike. Go speak to his parents and tell them this is an inappropriate relationship. Tell your kids.

Before you do that, I would suggest putting a keylogger on her computer and perhaps even spyware on her phone. I predict when you ask her to stop she will go further underground. Eblaster by spectorsoft makes a really good keylogger and cell phone spyware. Their cell phone spyware has a built in GPS too.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Yes, this would be a red flag to any spouse who can see it for what it is. I suggest you read Surviving An Affair. It sounds like this has already gone farther than a simple car ride - a faithful wife does NOT hide little car rides with an 18 year old boy from her husband (and wouldn't do so anyways in the first place, talk about boundary issues).

You're damn right you don't trust her, she's done nothing but attract suspicion.

I'd love to say it's ridiculous to think a woman at 35-50 (?) with 7 kids wouldn't have an affair with an 18 year old teenager but my mother (50) recently married her 23 year old affair partner. It DOES happen, do not kid yourself. Not only is she on the path to ruining her marriage but she will destroy her son as well.

It's time to start snooping.

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And if you think my suggestions sound too extreme, be assured the fallout of an affair with a 17 year old boy is VERY EXTREME. It will ruin your marriage, your family, your children's relationship with their mother, and most of all, your wife's life. It will taint her for LIFE.

As her husband, you have a unique opportunity to protect your family that other men don't have. PLEASE take this opportunity to pull your family back from brink while you still have the chance.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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For some reason I thought I saw he was 17 but just realized he is 18. So she wouldn't go to prison. However, it would ruin her reputation and embarrass your children. I would be pretty upset if a married woman was pursuing a relationship with my son. I imagine his parents will not be happy to hear that and would likely be very helpful to your cause of separating them.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I am quite certain that nothing has happened. When all of this is going on (minus the car rides of course), my children have ALWAYS been present when this kid is in the house. The LONGEST of the two rides was a whopping 10 minutes.

I have tried and tried to explain to my wife that I am just trying to prevent a possible awkward situation for her and for this young man.

I would REALLY like to say something to this young man, but my fear is that I would be speaking to him in anger and not in a calm manner..............

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Originally Posted by NavyVet
I am quite certain that nothing has happened. When all of this is going on (minus the car rides of course), my children have ALWAYS been present when this kid is in the house. The LONGEST of the two rides was a whopping 10 minutes.

I have tried and tried to explain to my wife that I am just trying to prevent a possible awkward situation for her and for this young man.

I would REALLY like to say something to this young man, but my fear is that I would be speaking to him in anger and not in a calm manner..............

NV, start first by demanding she end this relationship. Show her the article I posted and explain to her how unhappy this makes you. I would also put a keylogger on her computer. The fact that she is so resistant to ending the relationship despite knowing your misgivings is a huge red flag. It tells me there is already an emotional investment.

Let her know you won't tolerate the relationship anymore and if she won't end it, then escalate things. Her refusal should tell you there is a dangerous emotional investment.

And saying "you don't trust me" is a CLASSIC smoke screen designed to deflect attention back to you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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One other thing that I would throw in here......she does not call him, he does not call her and the young man has not been to our house in over a month. I asked my son last night why he has not been around in a while and he indicated to me that he felt that *name* was getting a little too comfortable around our family. Sounds like my son sees it as well!

Their communications are VERY sporadic. Again, it is typically discussing meeting dates, who needs a ride where, and what time. And she INSISTS that is all there is to it. I know she is excited about her new car, but did she really have to send an e-mail and hide it??

I have passwords to EVERYTHING. She leaves her phone out in the open and is unlocked................and I don't feel that I should snoop without having valid/solid proof beforehand.

Last edited by NavyVet; 03/06/12 11:50 AM.
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Originally Posted by NavyVet
I have passwords to EVERYTHING. She leaves her phone out in the open and is unlocked................and I don't feel that I should snoop without having valid/solid proof beforehand.
\

You have that backwards. You should snoop so you can get the solid proof - if any. You have a right to know everything she does and you had better be snooping if you want to protect your marriage. Snooping will help you trust her and is a good thing in marriage. We have had many marriages saved via snooping.

Dr Harley just wrote an article on this subject. Snooping: Is it wrong? Or, is it the right thing to do in marriage?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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NavyVet,

Your spider sense is obviously tingling. Now you seem to be trying to convince us to tell you that nothing could possibly be happening, that it's just inappropriate. You understand that ALL infidelities (aside from obvious prostitution) start with an "innocent" (re: inappropriate) friendship, right?

Think with your head and not your heart. It's not normal to behave in this manner and if you feel it's inappropriate then it probably is.

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NavyVet,

Your gut is very right, this is VERY wrong. If you reverse the genders and it was you getting rides from an 18 year old girl you know you wouldn't feel right about that. And while this is not illegal, it will not help your W's social standing if word gets out.

God Bless
Gamma

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Well if the boy is seventeen, like your son is, then we all know that any sexual interaction would be a criminal offense.

Aside from that, the car rides and e-mails are totally inappropriate. I am picturing myself sending texts to my 17 year old daughter's friends, or going for car rides with them - nope, can't picture it.

AGG


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Originally Posted by AGoodGuy
Aside from that, the car rides and e-mails are totally inappropriate. I am picturing myself sending texts to my 17 year old daughter's friends, or going for car rides with them - nope, can't picture it.

If some middle aged woman was having car rides, emails with my teenage boy, she would be facing my WRATH. I would put a quick end to that. What in the world gets into these middle aged women who have relationships with these boys? crazy When I look at a 17 year old child, I can picture him in diapers playing GI Joe!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
If some middle aged woman was having car rides, emails with my teenage boy, she would be facing my WRATH.

I completely agree ML.. but some people have a hard time accepting that they are growing up, so maybe this is one (sick) way to try to stay young? Nooo


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My son is 17. If my wife were going on joyrides with one of his friends or teammates, I would certainly see that as a major problem.


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Absolutely.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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