You didn't find the opinion you wanted, did you? Were you just opinion shopping to be told what you wanted to hear?

confused who is your BH?

Thank u all for the comments. I know what I did was wrong. I take responsibility for what I did. I think it more fear of my children hateing. Me for what I did. Many years of emotional abuse and neglect to me and our children was enough. We even went to a Christian marriage councilor. I'm trying hard to change my life and actions for the better. I No longer an withah the man I had the affair with. I wish there was a way to communicate with my XH. Without anger on both ends.

Also....what r all the abbreviation????? BH??? And others

Are you saying your ex emotionally abused and neglected you and your children for 'many years'? You allowed him to abuse and neglect your children for years? Why? BTW: We see this type of comment quite often when a wayward spouse is trying to justify their cheating. Suddenly their husband is 'emotionally abusive' or 'emotionally unavailable' or other phrases like that. None of these things justifies having an affair.

You're not saying this to blame the affair on being emotionally neglected, are you? Because that won't fly. You had the affair because you had poor boundaries with other men. You were selfish and liked the attention you were getting. That's why you had the affair.

Who are you with now?

BH = Betrayed Husband. Here you go:Abbreviations

I'm trying to be open and honest about what I did. I don't blame him for the red affair. Yes, I have boundary issues. I'm trying to over come it. I'm with nobody. I need to focus on my issues. We separated once before. I didn't want my children to have a broke family. But after a year of hearing my children cry cause their dad rather play cimputed games than spend time with them. It was enough. We fought constantly or ignored each other the last year we were together. My children knew there was problems. They saw I was not happy. No, my problems Do not and does not justify an affair. I take blame and responsibility.

Are you divorced now? Does your husband post on this forum? Who is he? How long separated?

Final court date for divorce and custody is next month. Separated August of loo set year. Yes he has posted on here. Not sure of when or user name.

These are all problems that can be solved. If your affair is truly over, your marriage is perfectly salvagable. The best thing for your children would be to have their parents together in a happy marriage where there are no fights.

Do you want to save your marriage?

Dr Harley has transformed marriages where the couples hated each other into happy, romantic marriages. There is no reason you can't have that too. Having a romantic marriage with your husband would be the best of all possible worlds for you all.

In all honesty. No. I care for him as their dad, but not s a spouse. I know that is bbad to say but it's the truth.

I understand that. But what if you could be in love with your husband and care for him as a spouse? I know you have fallen out of love with him, but you can fall back in love with him and have a happy, passionate marriage.

So the answer was to return emotional abuse with your own brand of emotional abuse?

Affairs are abusive. Your actions have told your husband that you believe it's OK to be abusive. After all, if you abuse, then you don't have the moral ground to stand upon and complain about his abuse.

There is a way to communicate with him without all the anger. Tell him that your affair was hurtful, wrong and abusive and you regret the hurt you've inflicted upon him and your family and ask him to forgive you.

If he does, then perhaps the two of you can begin working the plan described here. If not, understand that he may not be ready to forgive and you work the plans.

But let's be clear, assuming you are correct and he has been emotionally abusive, that simply means there are two emotionally abusive people in this marriage, not one, and you can only address your contributions to the current state of your marriage.

You have to own your behavior, regardless what labels you may apply to his behavior. His behavior is never an excuse or justification for yours.

I would tell him the same if he were here. He's not, you are, so you get to read it first.

Be very clear on one thing, confused. What your children may think of you is NOTHING compared to what they're going to have to deal with, growing up. You removed every vestige of security in their lives. Will they accept you when they become adults? That's hard to say. It's up to them and is not your call.

If you are no longer with the skeevy guy who assisted you in the decimation of your marriage, you still have time. You can recover your marriage. I know you're not in love with your children's father right now, but that can change if you will allow it. Will you allow it?

Confused, you have a unique chance - TAKE IT. For you, for your ex-husband, for your children.

Thank you for being honest with us. But think about this: there was a time when all you could think about was being with him, right? You couldn't wait to see him again? These feelings are there when you're dating, and they can still be there when you're married. You guys just didn't know how to keep that feeling alive. You can do that, though - you can keep that excitement alive, confused. Would you be willing to find out more about that?

Have you read the Basic Concepts on this site?

Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

I agree with the above posters but haven't had a chance to get online lately. You've been pointed in the right direction. You will have to take it from here -- we will support you, answer questions, and give our experiences. I hope you can direct your husband here.

I ask you this in all seriousness: are you happy with how your life is right now? If not, I urge you to open up to the possibility that Dr. Harley/MB can give you some tools to enjoy a happier healthier life, and one that your children can benefit from when you are leading by example.
It takes time and patience and some definite intention on your part. Personally, I am in a much different place now than I was prior to adultery, waywardness, and poor boundaries ripping my life apart. My kids are doing okay, but it's not becuase of the divorce and "not being around the tension, etc." It's because I have adopted a new approach to life that lets them develop without all sorts of unnecessary drama; a predictable environment based on truth and honesty...about everything.

I also wanted to share my philosophy that you may be thinking things will be better with someone else, or even with nobody. I urge you to reconsider. Although it may be the easier path, the work you could put in to restoring your marriage could render a far better situation than that of a broken home. Not just for your kids but for you as well and for your husband obviously.

If you have a willing partner, you're already way ahead of most of us here. Many of us would (or would have) given anything to have our spouses adopt the philosophy, just try it out, read a few books, post a few posts, and open their minds to the possibility that there is a better life out there. Me, I was not patient and my now-exWW was resistant "I just have to find my own way....why does everything have to come out of a book with you?". (Because what I've been doing so far "on my own" has lead me to this mess!)

You are probably in a state of withdrawal from your H and not allowing what we call Love Bank ($LB) deposits. This is not a fun place to be but with an understanding of the ideas presented here you can get past that and back into a situation that makes you and your whole family including your kids feel hopeful and safe.

One more thing. I recommend listening to the radio show. click on "rebroadcast" to the right over there, on this page. It gives you a sense of Dr. Harley's way, tone, approach. It helps frame what you'll be reading here. I wish I had started doing so a lot earlier. I would hope that eventually you would consider writing a letter to Dr. Harley -- he could answer it on the show and you could even speak with him directly for free.

opt

I am having to overcome many things. I attend celebrate recovery, seeing a therapist, and attending church. I have a lot of issues. I want to thank the last person that posted. U were suportive, and not calling me a slut and soforth. I .happy with where im at, but there is more to learn and to grow. Im trying hard to change my habits and ways. Its hard.

Can we dash back and look at an earlier post?

But after a year of hearing my children cry cause their dad rather play cimputed games than spend time with them. It was enough.

I can't quite decipher your meaning here. Are you saying that your husband's apparent dis-involvement in your children's lives and needs impelled you to conduct an affair with another man, and then LEAVE your husband, TAKING your children with you?

Were those two actions, especially the LEAVING and TAKING initiative, somehow conducted with the goal of enabling/fostering additional father/children involvement?

No, my problems Do not and does not justify an affair. I take blame and responsibility.

Okay, we can agree with the first of these two sentences. If you honestly and firmly understand and believe that, you have actually made some good progress. Our next question would be, then: If an affair was NOT the solution to your problems, are you motivated to finding the solution?

As for the second sentence: It seems you are forthright in accepting the "blame" for your actions. But NO, you do not demonstrate fully accepting "responsibility" for them. There is a difference you understand, and it might best be laid out as the difference in verb tenses:

1) "Blame" is passive acceptance of ownership and guilt for a negative development.
2) "Responsibility" is active acceptance of the same.

Concurrent with true responsibility is acknowledgement of the burden of repair and/or restitution. I have not yet heard anything from you about committing to either. Would that be something you'd consider doing?