OK. He is my senario, and I hope I get answers, cause I'm really frustrated. I had an affair before I finally left my husband of 9 years. We have two children together ages 5 and 8. I was called a whore infont of my children twice by this man, who clames to follow Dr. Harley beliefs. He aslo told both of my children about this affair. I disagree that they should be told about 1. the affair and 2. the court stuff. Children that young are going thru enough issues and stress reguarding mom and dad not living together, and telling them more information than needed only increases anxiety and stress to them both! How is telling children this young about all the marital issues helping them???? I know what I did was wrong, but I totally diagree with wgat Dr, Harley says about telling children. expescially this young. Any openions?????

Children deserve to know the truth about their own lives. Your husband should not call you bad names, but he does have the right---the obligation--to be truthful to his children.

Telling them 'information' doesn't cause stress. Your affair has caused the stress.

Lying to children about the source of the tension in their home is what hurts children. It is lies and adultery that harm children, not truthful information about their parent's scummy behavior. Children can deal with the truth, not lies. And by lying to children about your affair, you just teach them to be dishonest. I agree it is your right to raise little liars and cheaters but it is also your H's right to teach them honesty.

I think it is a little self serving that you disagree with Dr Harley about this. Your objection is purely selfish and has nothing to do with your kids. You have a selfish reason for wanting to hide your crimes. That is not in your childrens best interest. They have a right and a need to know what you did to their family. They need to know you wrecked their family in the pursuit of a big fat nothing.

Kids as young as 4 understand that adultery is wrong. So your children are certainly not too young to understand what you have done to them.

You seriously think that others should whitewash your crimes just to cover up for you? You must be kidding? No one is obligated to cover up your sleazy affair. Everyone should know what you did.

You mean that your betrayel of the family being out in the open and known by your children is going to cause them harm?
I think that you betrayed them is actually the source of anything they are going through.

Put yourself in their place. If you were a small child and your Mom was betraying the family and everything was put asunder in your world.....would you prefer having a vague idea that your parents were having problems and couldn't get along OR that one of them was doing something that was hurting the other horribly and choosing to continue doing it to destroy the family?

Well, it is awful their dad called you a whore. That is a bit of a disrespectful judgement for sure.

Now that the kids know about your affair, how are you going to make up the mess of their lives and become a better mother?

If you are leaving your husband, why do you expect to get any say in what he will do? He will be a free agent and may have different ideas about how to raise the children than you do. That's how life is as a single parent. It's just part of it.

Why are you leaving your husband? Was he disrespectful and abusive before your affair, or was that brought on by his reaction? Your affair certainly justify his abuse, but it's a different situation than if he has been disrespectful your whole marriage. There are reasons why people do things like this, but no excuses.

My XH was, like you, FURIOUS at me for telling our then 9yo ds the truth....that I was filing for divorce because he (XH) was having an affair. I asked him what he thought I should have told ds....his answer....'That we don't get along.'

What a joke. I haven't been a perfect mother, but I am very proud of being honest with my son.


This is the big question. You've done something terrible. What is your plan to make it right?

Married == building an interdependent and compatible lifestyle, in which both husband and wife have input into decisions that are made, actions that are taken, how the children are raised, etc.

Divorced == two independent people living apart from each other, with no right to intrude on each other's lives.

Divorced means you don't really get to intrude on his relationship with his children, right? They are his children, aren't they?

Infidelity: The Lessons Children learn by Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers

I struggled with exposing the A to my DS. Finally with the push of some MB friends, I told him in an age appropriate way. It was the best decision I made because once he understood what was happening, it relieved the anxiety and confusion that he was feeling.

The doctor and school counselor backed up my decision explaining basically what Dr Harley does - that children tend to blame themselves for marital problems/stress if you don't tell them the truth.

I have been told by my children's personal counselor (different than the school counselor) that she thinks the children are doing extremely well despite what they are going through right now. And all I can say is I think a main reason for that is that (a) they know that they can trust me to be truthful with them about what is happening in their lives and (b) they know they are my top priority.

Confused,

In my personal experience, taken from people who had confided their childhood stories to me, the kids almost always knew something was wrong. The kids also tended to blame themselves for their parents problems, and so the most important reason is to remove this guilt from the children who feel it most painfully, so they HAVE TO BE TOLD THE TRUTH.

Additionally, in a good percentage the person who told me witnessed some inappropriate goings on, and those memories last a lifetime.

I was called a whore infont of my children twice by this man While I would never call my W that name, I think you need to have some perspective on how small that statement is in comparison to your destruction of your family with your affair.

God Bless
Gamma

It amazes me when waywards complain about damage to their children with regard to being told the truth about their affair.

Where was this concern for your children when you were decimating your M and family?

My opinion is that you have done something of which you are ashamed, which is why you wanted to hide it from your children. That fact alone should answer your question. You are ashamed. You want your shame hidden from your children. You shouldn't have committed the shameful offense in the first place; then we wouldn't be having this discussion. Another thing you're responsible for. Just so you don't forget. Again, you are trying (very selfishly, I might add) to make yourself look good to your children by hiding what you did that caused the destruction of their family. Telling them the truth at least gives them some sort of honest start to their path of recovery. Oh, and have you heard? Kids whose parents split over infidelity have issues that they carry into adulthood. Just so you know to weigh your destructive actions carefully.
Yes, I'm with you there. Your betrayed husband shouldn't have called you that, because he was technically incorrect. You collected no money for screwing the OM, so you're not a whore. It would be a little more accurate to call you a slut. And a homewrecker. Because you're wrecking your own home. How stupid are you, to destroy your own life? I mean, DUH.

Go home to your husband and family. Recover your marriage. Save your family a lifetime of grief over your selfish decisions.

Are you less confused now, Confused? Do you have any other questions for us?

I am encouraged that you are posting here. I'd like to hear your response to these posters' responses to your post.

Confused,

I told my children (9 and 12) about the affair shortly after my wife finally confessed it was happening. I exposed to all the family. My wife was angry and, like you, said the kids were too young to know about "adult" matters. No parent wants their children to know the ugly truth about them, I guess. The only benefit I can see to hiding the truth is it covers up the horrible example that the wayward spouse is setting for their children. But the truth should not be hidden. Honesty and openness are essential to all important relationships. Man up, Confused, and accept the consequences of you decisions.

When my wife came back from her first trip overseas to see her affair partner, the first word that popped into my mind when I saw her was "whore." I screamed it inside my head, but I didn't say it to her. I wanted to say it...many times, but I withheld that disrespectful judgement and angry outburst because I know it completely burn bridges. But the truth is she--and you--are engaged in behavior that is immoral, destructive, and pain-inflicting. There is no excuse for it, and you deserve the condemnation you are getting from your husband. If your friends and family believe in marriage, they also should be condemning your actions.

This is a good point. The corrupt parent does not have an exclusive right to corrupt her children with her poor role modeling and foggy "morals." If the WS has the right to teach the children that wrong is right, the BS has the right to teach them right FROM wrong. If the WS has the right to LIE to the kids, the BS has the right to TELL THEM THE TRUTH. How else will the BS protect the children from the corrupt role modeling of the WS if not by telling them the truth?

It is not the truth that hurts the kids, but the corrupt lifestyle of the WS.

And, honestly, the word whore is in dictionaries and has various meanings

whore (h�r, hr)
n.
1. A prostitute.
2. A person considered sexually promiscuous.
3. A person considered as having compromised principles for personal gain.
intr.v. whored, whor�ing, whores
1. To associate or have sexual relations with prostitutes or a prostitute.
2. To accept payment in exchange for sexual relations.
3. To compromise one's principles for personal gain.

Bingo! You don't get to make joint decisions about the upbringing of the children any more if you are divorced. He has just as much right to make this decision as she does to make the opposite decision.

You didn't find the opinion you wanted, did you? Were you just opinion shopping to be told what you wanted to hear?

confused who is your BH?

Thank u all for the comments. I know what I did was wrong. I take responsibility for what I did. I think it more fear of my children hateing. Me for what I did. Many years of emotional abuse and neglect to me and our children was enough. We even went to a Christian marriage councilor. I'm trying hard to change my life and actions for the better. I No longer an withah the man I had the affair with. I wish there was a way to communicate with my XH. Without anger on both ends.

Also....what r all the abbreviation????? BH??? And others

Are you saying your ex emotionally abused and neglected you and your children for 'many years'? You allowed him to abuse and neglect your children for years? Why? BTW: We see this type of comment quite often when a wayward spouse is trying to justify their cheating. Suddenly their husband is 'emotionally abusive' or 'emotionally unavailable' or other phrases like that. None of these things justifies having an affair.

You're not saying this to blame the affair on being emotionally neglected, are you? Because that won't fly. You had the affair because you had poor boundaries with other men. You were selfish and liked the attention you were getting. That's why you had the affair.

Who are you with now?

BH = Betrayed Husband. Here you go:Abbreviations

I'm trying to be open and honest about what I did. I don't blame him for the red affair. Yes, I have boundary issues. I'm trying to over come it. I'm with nobody. I need to focus on my issues. We separated once before. I didn't want my children to have a broke family. But after a year of hearing my children cry cause their dad rather play cimputed games than spend time with them. It was enough. We fought constantly or ignored each other the last year we were together. My children knew there was problems. They saw I was not happy. No, my problems Do not and does not justify an affair. I take blame and responsibility.

Are you divorced now? Does your husband post on this forum? Who is he? How long separated?

Final court date for divorce and custody is next month. Separated August of loo set year. Yes he has posted on here. Not sure of when or user name.

These are all problems that can be solved. If your affair is truly over, your marriage is perfectly salvagable. The best thing for your children would be to have their parents together in a happy marriage where there are no fights.

Do you want to save your marriage?

Dr Harley has transformed marriages where the couples hated each other into happy, romantic marriages. There is no reason you can't have that too. Having a romantic marriage with your husband would be the best of all possible worlds for you all.

In all honesty. No. I care for him as their dad, but not s a spouse. I know that is bbad to say but it's the truth.

I understand that. But what if you could be in love with your husband and care for him as a spouse? I know you have fallen out of love with him, but you can fall back in love with him and have a happy, passionate marriage.

So the answer was to return emotional abuse with your own brand of emotional abuse?

Affairs are abusive. Your actions have told your husband that you believe it's OK to be abusive. After all, if you abuse, then you don't have the moral ground to stand upon and complain about his abuse.

There is a way to communicate with him without all the anger. Tell him that your affair was hurtful, wrong and abusive and you regret the hurt you've inflicted upon him and your family and ask him to forgive you.

If he does, then perhaps the two of you can begin working the plan described here. If not, understand that he may not be ready to forgive and you work the plans.

But let's be clear, assuming you are correct and he has been emotionally abusive, that simply means there are two emotionally abusive people in this marriage, not one, and you can only address your contributions to the current state of your marriage.

You have to own your behavior, regardless what labels you may apply to his behavior. His behavior is never an excuse or justification for yours.

I would tell him the same if he were here. He's not, you are, so you get to read it first.

Be very clear on one thing, confused. What your children may think of you is NOTHING compared to what they're going to have to deal with, growing up. You removed every vestige of security in their lives. Will they accept you when they become adults? That's hard to say. It's up to them and is not your call.

If you are no longer with the skeevy guy who assisted you in the decimation of your marriage, you still have time. You can recover your marriage. I know you're not in love with your children's father right now, but that can change if you will allow it. Will you allow it?

Confused, you have a unique chance - TAKE IT. For you, for your ex-husband, for your children.

Thank you for being honest with us. But think about this: there was a time when all you could think about was being with him, right? You couldn't wait to see him again? These feelings are there when you're dating, and they can still be there when you're married. You guys just didn't know how to keep that feeling alive. You can do that, though - you can keep that excitement alive, confused. Would you be willing to find out more about that?

Have you read the Basic Concepts on this site?

Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

I agree with the above posters but haven't had a chance to get online lately. You've been pointed in the right direction. You will have to take it from here -- we will support you, answer questions, and give our experiences. I hope you can direct your husband here.

I ask you this in all seriousness: are you happy with how your life is right now? If not, I urge you to open up to the possibility that Dr. Harley/MB can give you some tools to enjoy a happier healthier life, and one that your children can benefit from when you are leading by example.
It takes time and patience and some definite intention on your part. Personally, I am in a much different place now than I was prior to adultery, waywardness, and poor boundaries ripping my life apart. My kids are doing okay, but it's not becuase of the divorce and "not being around the tension, etc." It's because I have adopted a new approach to life that lets them develop without all sorts of unnecessary drama; a predictable environment based on truth and honesty...about everything.

I also wanted to share my philosophy that you may be thinking things will be better with someone else, or even with nobody. I urge you to reconsider. Although it may be the easier path, the work you could put in to restoring your marriage could render a far better situation than that of a broken home. Not just for your kids but for you as well and for your husband obviously.

If you have a willing partner, you're already way ahead of most of us here. Many of us would (or would have) given anything to have our spouses adopt the philosophy, just try it out, read a few books, post a few posts, and open their minds to the possibility that there is a better life out there. Me, I was not patient and my now-exWW was resistant "I just have to find my own way....why does everything have to come out of a book with you?". (Because what I've been doing so far "on my own" has lead me to this mess!)

You are probably in a state of withdrawal from your H and not allowing what we call Love Bank ($LB) deposits. This is not a fun place to be but with an understanding of the ideas presented here you can get past that and back into a situation that makes you and your whole family including your kids feel hopeful and safe.

One more thing. I recommend listening to the radio show. click on "rebroadcast" to the right over there, on this page. It gives you a sense of Dr. Harley's way, tone, approach. It helps frame what you'll be reading here. I wish I had started doing so a lot earlier. I would hope that eventually you would consider writing a letter to Dr. Harley -- he could answer it on the show and you could even speak with him directly for free.

opt

I am having to overcome many things. I attend celebrate recovery, seeing a therapist, and attending church. I have a lot of issues. I want to thank the last person that posted. U were suportive, and not calling me a slut and soforth. I .happy with where im at, but there is more to learn and to grow. Im trying hard to change my habits and ways. Its hard.

Can we dash back and look at an earlier post?

But after a year of hearing my children cry cause their dad rather play cimputed games than spend time with them. It was enough.

I can't quite decipher your meaning here. Are you saying that your husband's apparent dis-involvement in your children's lives and needs impelled you to conduct an affair with another man, and then LEAVE your husband, TAKING your children with you?

Were those two actions, especially the LEAVING and TAKING initiative, somehow conducted with the goal of enabling/fostering additional father/children involvement?

No, my problems Do not and does not justify an affair. I take blame and responsibility.

Okay, we can agree with the first of these two sentences. If you honestly and firmly understand and believe that, you have actually made some good progress. Our next question would be, then: If an affair was NOT the solution to your problems, are you motivated to finding the solution?

As for the second sentence: It seems you are forthright in accepting the "blame" for your actions. But NO, you do not demonstrate fully accepting "responsibility" for them. There is a difference you understand, and it might best be laid out as the difference in verb tenses:

1) "Blame" is passive acceptance of ownership and guilt for a negative development.
2) "Responsibility" is active acceptance of the same.

Concurrent with true responsibility is acknowledgement of the burden of repair and/or restitution. I have not yet heard anything from you about committing to either. Would that be something you'd consider doing?

What is it you have to overcome? What habits and ways are you trying to change?

Confused, I apologize. I should have been clearer: your actions of being sexually involved with a man who was not your husband are the actions of a slut. You can agree that the affair wasn't your finest hour, yes?

Again, I find it encouraging that you are here. I do think you need to work on recovering your marriage. I also think you are dodging the work that needs to be done by claiming to have "a lot of issues". We've all got them, confused. The difference is whether or not you are allowing them to stand in the way of positive actions in your life.

Hi, confused,

I asked if you have read the Basic Concepts on this site.

Have you?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

Confused, have you looked into the stats about children who grow up in a household with a single parent, especially when they are living with a single mother? Have you seen the stats on the lives that the children, and the mother live after a divorce?

I know that you think that you have already done this for almost a year, but there are many more challenges to come.

It would be in YOUR best interest to fall back in love with your BH. He is, and always will be your best option for a happy and fulfilled life. Had neither of you found MB, you probably would have been more miserable than either of you could stand. You would both wind up hating each other. Your children would hurt more than they do now.

With MB, you could have a loving, fulfilling and ROMANTIC marriage, even after your affair. You COULD recover. Do you think your BH would be willing to give you a chance?

Confused, why did you come here, now? You are so close to the D, and you are angry over the exposure of your adultery to your children, when did he expose to them? Was it recently?

It was exposed about 5 months ago. I came here cause I was bitter and angery at first. Mad that he told my children. But I am now trying to see his perspective on the matter. Trying to find understanding. I Do care for my xh. But getting back together isn't gonna happen.

You have already been asked, and I don't think you answered, Have you read all of the material here?

Do you see how MB COULD give you the marriage you have always desired?

As a BS, I am 50% responsible for the state of my marriage BEFORE the affair. Through MB, I have learned what mistakes I made, and how I can improve. I now KNOW that had I used MB before, it would have been AMAZING. I am most likely never going to get the chance to use MB, but that doesn't need to be true for you.

And you asked for Opinions. Around here, the only opinions that matter are DrH's, since he founded this site. Maybe you could read HIS words.

Have you thought about calling the coaching center? They can help you better understand the concept and reasons behind exposure to children.

I am now trying to see his perspective on the matter.

Well, I would submit that trying to get a firm handle on his perspective would be the work of about one minute. BSs of all standards of marriage feel betrayed and damaged by the one person from whom they expected to find support and commitment. For their own reasons, the WS unilaterally voids the bonds and vows that were in place and independently goes ahead with alternate plans. Really, you had to know that before sitting at your keyboard, right?

I Do care for my xh.

Okay, I care for the chances of the Yankees capturing their 28th championship.

Trying to find understanding....getting back together isn't gonna happen.

Then you are wasting your time here. Marriage repair is what we try to do. We are not here to give you absolution for your actions, to empathize with whatever complaints and grievances you may have felt were yours before, during, or since your choosing infidelity. We certainly will not be of a mind to intercede with your BH, asking him for moderation and understanding of your position.

What you do not comprehend is that here resides a huge depository of experiences with adulterous behaviours, grounded in a set of principles that can, if correctly and conscientiously followed by both partners, can lead to a repair of the damage you have caused. I can be done.

But the first part of that statement is equally valid. My friend, one or more of us has seen your story played out before, right here. WSs initiate discussions here all the time, and usually leave in a huff. Their goals are limited to a select few, and usually contain some, or most of these:

- They want to tell us their actions were correct
- They want to tell us they are happy with their actions and subsequent lives.
- They want to convince us their BS was partially (mostly? entirely?) to blame.
- They initiate discussions hoping for conflict and an exit, to satisfy their own need to have "tried"
- (My personal favorite) They want to attack us for supporting their BS, most commonly by urging the BS to stand up to the WS.

So, tell us, more openly this time: What do you want to accomplish here?

I would still like you to answer my questions.

Confused,

Regarding, "I Do care for my xh. But getting back together isn't gonna happen." I hope you will get past your feelings because feelings are responsible for the mess you're in right now. Your "feelings" for your husband are based on an empty love bank, I'd venture to say. That bank can be refilled if you and your husband are willing to apply MB principles. You both can attain happiness if you can get past your feelings, but you'd have to swallow your pride, stow away your resentment, and keep your mind focused on the goal of filling each other's love banks. Hard to do? Yes. Listen to wisdom of Dr. Harely and suspend for awhile what your heart is telling you. Now that your affair is behind you, your marriage has a fighting chance.

It sounds like he has said and done some things to destroy your feelings of love for him, but that has happened because of your affair. You have hurt him in the worst way possible. When you betrayed him you put him through a shredder feet first on slow. You created in him more pain, anger, and suffering than he ever thought imaginable. That's why he has said demeaning things to you. He too is going to have to put aside his feelings to make things work. But if you both can do that, you can recover your marriage.

So many here have given you really good advice. I hope you will listen to them.

There's not much to understand: no matter the reasons, no matter what he might have done or not done, an affair hurts more than anything else a husband or wife can do, as judged by people who have been through an affair plus other tragedies. It hurt, it devastated him. That's his perspective, and the perspective of every other betrayed spouse.

What else can we do for you?

C31,
you may be a little overwhelmed with the amount of information and guidance you've received. I hope you understand we are all trying to say essentially the same thing. Without a reference point, I believe the statements made can seem confusing or even harsh.
As I said, my life has been forever altered by adultery. first my ex wife's, then mine, then again my ex-wife,s. Without MB I would now be living the life that everyone else does when they take the common approach to infidelity/poor boundaries, and selfishness that seems to be so prevalent in today's society (watch t.v. lately?).

But with Dr. Harley's approach as a REFERENCE POINT, all of the information above will make perfect sense.
There is a LOT of information to gather and absorb, so I continue to encourage you to read the basic concepts here, and also to listen to the radio show (and even call it if you're so inclined, or write an email). It really takes time to understand the concepts because you have to then try to implement them systematically. For instance, in my case I was engaging in a lot of Angry Outbursts (even with my kids) and so once I understood Dr. Harely's approach to that and how destructive it is as a LB (lovebuster) then I was able to eliminate the behavior much easier (I had tried in the past, believe you me).

So, I did NOT save my marriage. I couldn't bring my wife-at-the-time on board. Perhaps that was my ultimate failure, I just didn't have that capability (or motivation) at the time. However, the things I've learned here over TWO YEARS have influenced my life very much for the better. And more importantly I've been able to positively model behavior for my children (even in the absence of a loving/ 2 parent household).

What I'm tring to get at is that I think the concepts here are worthwhile to at least familiarize yourself with even if you feel you may never reconcile with your stb ex. Of course we would all encourage you to do so, because one of the concepts you will learn with reading is that your best chance of happiness is with the father of your children. You may not see that now, and I personally don't find that too surprising. But I do hope and pray that you consider exploring the ideas presented in Dr. Harley's books and here on the website.

opt

Confused, are you reading? You haven't responded. Let us know your thoughts.

Bumping this thread for you, Confused. How can we help you?

Confused, how can we help you?

**edit**

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I have been busy with my kids and work, that is why I haven't been on. I'm also very tired of being called names and beaten up by people here. I've made mistakes. I can't change the past. I'm trying to change my hurt,habits and hangups. But feel people here just want to see all the horror I've done. Im not proud of what I've done! Yes I had an affair. Am I happy about it? No!!!!! Sometimes it takes two to mess things up!

Lashing out is a defensive posture that won't gain you a thing.

I would still like you to answer my questions.

BTW, have you read some of the articles on this site yet?

**edit**

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I agree 100%. I like constructive posts.

opt

Yes, and it takes one to get things back to working again. You both made vows, but who is going to step up and do what it takes to get the marriage back on track?

The difference between Marriage Builders people and the rest of the world is they believe that marriage is a promise to be kept and that falling out of love is a problem to be solved, not an excuse to bail out. Putting away the resentment, ending the blame game, and applying the principles that will fill back up your and your husbands love banks can get your marriage back on track and lead to a life of marital and romantic fulfillment.

Own up to your mistakes and stop blame shifting. It doesn't get you anywhere but to divorce, an unhappy and fruitless place.

By the way, I detect very little if any remorse for what you've done to your husband. You have expressed regret for committing adultery, but you have showed no sympathy for your husband. You're in a very self-centered mode still. Sure, he wasn't a perfect husband, but he still was your husband. You've hurt him in the worst possible way and you don't feel you owe him an apology. Instead you blame him for his part in making you unhappy and for telling the truth to your children.

If you want to recover from this and have no regrets moving forward you need to step out of "me, myself and I" mode quickly.

Good post, Just.

Okay, here's what I would suggest for you, confused: Start reading the articles on this site. Go to the yellow box on the right side of your screen and start clicking and reading. Don't just scan it - read it.

You may not be aware of this right now, but I am in the corner with you and your husband being able to recover your marriage. And the idea of that may not appeal to you right now, because you have fallen out of love with your husband. It happens. Childbirth and child rearing gets in the way sometimes. But there was a time when you gladly joined with your husband in what you felt was great sex. There was a time when you waited for his call on your phone. There was a time when you couldn't wait for him to get home, and you welcomed him with open arms. You can have that again, if you will use the tools on this site.

Confused - Your husband is reaching out to you. Is there a way we can help you connect to him?

Confused, while it is true that BSs are 50% responsible for the marriage BEFORE the affair BEGAN, the WS is 100% responsible for the affair, and the state of the marriage AFTER the affair started. Affairs begin to cloud your view of what your marriage actually is, and was.

We are not going to let go of the fact that you ARE a wayward, you can, through your actions, become a FORMER wayward. That label of adulterer will always be attached to you, and fortunately for YOU, YOU have the choice when it comes to it defining WHO you are.

To cross over the line and become an adulterer, you need to change who you are, to your very core.

When you were a child, did you want to have an affair on your future husband?

Speaking of children, would you want either of them to become an adulterer? How about a victim of adultery themselves?

How would you help them not have that same fate? Exposure, and truth would be a good start. Also, showing them what a REPENTANT wayward looks like. How people CAN overcome the mistakes they make, and make their lives better.

I ask again, have you looked up any of the stats about children raised by single mothers? Have you seen what life you have condemned them to?

Your BEST option for happiness will ALWAYS be with your BH. Hopefully, it's not too late for him to consider wanting you back. Do you think he would try?

Hi Melody Lane,

I see from your signature htat you are happily recovered for a while adn from the verse presume you are a christian?
Would so like to talk to you about how to deal with resentment and forgiving my spouse because I am strugging extremeley at the moment,despite the fact thea he ash apologised and wants to restore our marriage, Somehow I feel very lost and hopeless. How did you go about it?

onlybyhisgrace, the way I got over my resentment and forgave my husband is when he gave me just compensation. By that I mean, doing all the things necessary to make it right. He had to be radically honest about his affair and give me all of the details because the first step is honesty. We then had to create a happy, romantic marriage to replace that resentment. Dr Harley explains it in his article here: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

Confused31,

How old are your children? What exactly did your BS tell them about you that really upset you? You said it's been 5 months since he told them so I don't understand why you are upset now. Just bc they are children doesn't mean that they can't handle the truth.

How long were you involved with this OM? Are you the one who came clean with your BS about your affair? In other words, how did your BS find out?

Are you having second thoughts about the D and that is why you are here and trying to change your ways? What exactly are you doing to "change"? I did notice that you said you are going to CR and church. Those are great steps. Are you also in Christian counseling with someone who specializes in sexual addiction? Bc that is what you were, addicted to your OM.

You said that you are no longer involved with this OM, how is that going for you? Are you going through withdrawals?

I see you have been encouraged to read up on all of Dr. H's articles and even call into the show. That is probably the smartest thing you can do. Read up on everything you can get your hands on and call into or write to the show and let Dr.H himself help you out. That part is free!

If you are REALLY wanting to change and are TRULY repentant then you will have actions to back up your words. Bc since you have already lied so much to everyone including yourself, your words mean nothing and the only thing that will show you are serious are your actions.

onlybyhisgrace, MelodyLane has given you a fine response. Would you like to start your own thread and tell us more so we can give you more help?

Confused, I'm looking for you, girlfriend. Please stay with us.

I am still here. Currently at work. Will poSt tonight.

Have you cut all ties to your OM?

You posted this on the 1st. It's now the 5th. Either your employer is a real terror or you're avoiding posting. I suspect it's the latter. Why is that?

I'm hoping it's because you are reading and absorbing what is within these pages. There is a link in my siggy for BSs, but it can also guide you through this site. Also, on the right hand side of every page, you will find the most popular links, start with How to Survive Infidelity. I know there is a lot to digest. As a BS, this place became my lifeline and I saw how it WAS possible to survive my WSs affair. I also know that had my WH found this place, he could have learned that it IS possible to overcome your own infidelity, and that the BEST option is your BS. As long as your BS is willing to TRY recovery, they are your BEST chance at a happily ever after. The OM is your WORST chance. I know it may not seem like it now. It's the reality of it though.

Even remaining "friends" with OP is a bad idea. Besides, what kind of friend helps you destroy your life? I only surround myself with QUALITY friends. Ones who help me be my BEST and don't add DRAMA to my life. Ones who tell me when I'm doing something stupid. I don't want to surround myself with "yes men" because they don't have MY best interests at heart. Who needs that?