OK. He is my senario, and I hope I get answers, cause I'm really frustrated. I had an affair before I finally left my husband of 9 years. We have two children together ages 5 and 8. I was called a whore infont of my children twice by this man, who clames to follow Dr. Harley beliefs. He aslo told both of my children about this affair. I disagree that they should be told about 1. the affair and 2. the court stuff. Children that young are going thru enough issues and stress reguarding mom and dad not living together, and telling them more information than needed only increases anxiety and stress to them both! How is telling children this young about all the marital issues helping them???? I know what I did was wrong, but I totally diagree with wgat Dr, Harley says about telling children. expescially this young. Any openions?????

Children deserve to know the truth about their own lives. Your husband should not call you bad names, but he does have the right---the obligation--to be truthful to his children.

Telling them 'information' doesn't cause stress. Your affair has caused the stress.

Lying to children about the source of the tension in their home is what hurts children. It is lies and adultery that harm children, not truthful information about their parent's scummy behavior. Children can deal with the truth, not lies. And by lying to children about your affair, you just teach them to be dishonest. I agree it is your right to raise little liars and cheaters but it is also your H's right to teach them honesty.

I think it is a little self serving that you disagree with Dr Harley about this. Your objection is purely selfish and has nothing to do with your kids. You have a selfish reason for wanting to hide your crimes. That is not in your childrens best interest. They have a right and a need to know what you did to their family. They need to know you wrecked their family in the pursuit of a big fat nothing.

Kids as young as 4 understand that adultery is wrong. So your children are certainly not too young to understand what you have done to them.

You seriously think that others should whitewash your crimes just to cover up for you? You must be kidding? No one is obligated to cover up your sleazy affair. Everyone should know what you did.

You mean that your betrayel of the family being out in the open and known by your children is going to cause them harm?
I think that you betrayed them is actually the source of anything they are going through.

Put yourself in their place. If you were a small child and your Mom was betraying the family and everything was put asunder in your world.....would you prefer having a vague idea that your parents were having problems and couldn't get along OR that one of them was doing something that was hurting the other horribly and choosing to continue doing it to destroy the family?

Well, it is awful their dad called you a whore. That is a bit of a disrespectful judgement for sure.

Now that the kids know about your affair, how are you going to make up the mess of their lives and become a better mother?

If you are leaving your husband, why do you expect to get any say in what he will do? He will be a free agent and may have different ideas about how to raise the children than you do. That's how life is as a single parent. It's just part of it.

Why are you leaving your husband? Was he disrespectful and abusive before your affair, or was that brought on by his reaction? Your affair certainly justify his abuse, but it's a different situation than if he has been disrespectful your whole marriage. There are reasons why people do things like this, but no excuses.

My XH was, like you, FURIOUS at me for telling our then 9yo ds the truth....that I was filing for divorce because he (XH) was having an affair. I asked him what he thought I should have told ds....his answer....'That we don't get along.'

What a joke. I haven't been a perfect mother, but I am very proud of being honest with my son.


This is the big question. You've done something terrible. What is your plan to make it right?

Married == building an interdependent and compatible lifestyle, in which both husband and wife have input into decisions that are made, actions that are taken, how the children are raised, etc.

Divorced == two independent people living apart from each other, with no right to intrude on each other's lives.

Divorced means you don't really get to intrude on his relationship with his children, right? They are his children, aren't they?

I struggled with exposing the A to my DS. Finally with the push of some MB friends, I told him in an age appropriate way. It was the best decision I made because once he understood what was happening, it relieved the anxiety and confusion that he was feeling.

The doctor and school counselor backed up my decision explaining basically what Dr Harley does - that children tend to blame themselves for marital problems/stress if you don't tell them the truth.

I have been told by my children's personal counselor (different than the school counselor) that she thinks the children are doing extremely well despite what they are going through right now. And all I can say is I think a main reason for that is that (a) they know that they can trust me to be truthful with them about what is happening in their lives and (b) they know they are my top priority.

Confused,

In my personal experience, taken from people who had confided their childhood stories to me, the kids almost always knew something was wrong. The kids also tended to blame themselves for their parents problems, and so the most important reason is to remove this guilt from the children who feel it most painfully, so they HAVE TO BE TOLD THE TRUTH.

Additionally, in a good percentage the person who told me witnessed some inappropriate goings on, and those memories last a lifetime.

I was called a whore infont of my children twice by this man While I would never call my W that name, I think you need to have some perspective on how small that statement is in comparison to your destruction of your family with your affair.

God Bless
Gamma

It amazes me when waywards complain about damage to their children with regard to being told the truth about their affair.

Where was this concern for your children when you were decimating your M and family?

My opinion is that you have done something of which you are ashamed, which is why you wanted to hide it from your children. That fact alone should answer your question. You are ashamed. You want your shame hidden from your children. You shouldn't have committed the shameful offense in the first place; then we wouldn't be having this discussion. Another thing you're responsible for. Just so you don't forget. Again, you are trying (very selfishly, I might add) to make yourself look good to your children by hiding what you did that caused the destruction of their family. Telling them the truth at least gives them some sort of honest start to their path of recovery. Oh, and have you heard? Kids whose parents split over infidelity have issues that they carry into adulthood. Just so you know to weigh your destructive actions carefully.
Yes, I'm with you there. Your betrayed husband shouldn't have called you that, because he was technically incorrect. You collected no money for screwing the OM, so you're not a whore. It would be a little more accurate to call you a slut. And a homewrecker. Because you're wrecking your own home. How stupid are you, to destroy your own life? I mean, DUH.

Go home to your husband and family. Recover your marriage. Save your family a lifetime of grief over your selfish decisions.

Are you less confused now, Confused? Do you have any other questions for us?

I am encouraged that you are posting here. I'd like to hear your response to these posters' responses to your post.

Confused,

I told my children (9 and 12) about the affair shortly after my wife finally confessed it was happening. I exposed to all the family. My wife was angry and, like you, said the kids were too young to know about "adult" matters. No parent wants their children to know the ugly truth about them, I guess. The only benefit I can see to hiding the truth is it covers up the horrible example that the wayward spouse is setting for their children. But the truth should not be hidden. Honesty and openness are essential to all important relationships. Man up, Confused, and accept the consequences of you decisions.

When my wife came back from her first trip overseas to see her affair partner, the first word that popped into my mind when I saw her was "whore." I screamed it inside my head, but I didn't say it to her. I wanted to say it...many times, but I withheld that disrespectful judgement and angry outburst because I know it completely burn bridges. But the truth is she--and you--are engaged in behavior that is immoral, destructive, and pain-inflicting. There is no excuse for it, and you deserve the condemnation you are getting from your husband. If your friends and family believe in marriage, they also should be condemning your actions.

This is a good point. The corrupt parent does not have an exclusive right to corrupt her children with her poor role modeling and foggy "morals." If the WS has the right to teach the children that wrong is right, the BS has the right to teach them right FROM wrong. If the WS has the right to LIE to the kids, the BS has the right to TELL THEM THE TRUTH. How else will the BS protect the children from the corrupt role modeling of the WS if not by telling them the truth?

It is not the truth that hurts the kids, but the corrupt lifestyle of the WS.

And, honestly, the word whore is in dictionaries and has various meanings

whore (h�r, hr)
n.
1. A prostitute.
2. A person considered sexually promiscuous.
3. A person considered as having compromised principles for personal gain.
intr.v. whored, whor�ing, whores
1. To associate or have sexual relations with prostitutes or a prostitute.
2. To accept payment in exchange for sexual relations.
3. To compromise one's principles for personal gain.

Bingo! You don't get to make joint decisions about the upbringing of the children any more if you are divorced. He has just as much right to make this decision as she does to make the opposite decision.