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Originally Posted by confused31
I am having to overcome many things. I attend celebrate recovery, seeing a therapist, and attending church. I have a lot of issues. I want to thank the last person that posted. U were suportive, and not calling me a slut and soforth. I .happy with where im at, but there is more to learn and to grow. Im trying hard to change my habits and ways. Its hard.
What is it you have to overcome? What habits and ways are you trying to change?

Confused, I apologize. I should have been clearer: your actions of being sexually involved with a man who was not your husband are the actions of a slut. You can agree that the affair wasn't your finest hour, yes?

Again, I find it encouraging that you are here. I do think you need to work on recovering your marriage. I also think you are dodging the work that needs to be done by claiming to have "a lot of issues". We've all got them, confused. The difference is whether or not you are allowing them to stand in the way of positive actions in your life.


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Originally Posted by confused31
I am having to overcome many things. I attend celebrate recovery, seeing a therapist, and attending church. I have a lot of issues. I want to thank the last person that posted. U were suportive, and not calling me a slut and soforth. I .happy with where im at, but there is more to learn and to grow. Im trying hard to change my habits and ways. Its hard.

Hi, confused,

I asked if you have read the Basic Concepts on this site.

Have you?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Confused, have you looked into the stats about children who grow up in a household with a single parent, especially when they are living with a single mother? Have you seen the stats on the lives that the children, and the mother live after a divorce?

I know that you think that you have already done this for almost a year, but there are many more challenges to come.

It would be in YOUR best interest to fall back in love with your BH. He is, and always will be your best option for a happy and fulfilled life. Had neither of you found MB, you probably would have been more miserable than either of you could stand. You would both wind up hating each other. Your children would hurt more than they do now.

With MB, you could have a loving, fulfilling and ROMANTIC marriage, even after your affair. You COULD recover. Do you think your BH would be willing to give you a chance?

Confused, why did you come here, now? You are so close to the D, and you are angry over the exposure of your adultery to your children, when did he expose to them? Was it recently?



BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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It was exposed about 5 months ago. I came here cause I was bitter and angery at first. Mad that he told my children. But I am now trying to see his perspective on the matter. Trying to find understanding. I Do care for my xh. But getting back together isn't gonna happen.

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You have already been asked, and I don't think you answered, Have you read all of the material here?

Do you see how MB COULD give you the marriage you have always desired?

As a BS, I am 50% responsible for the state of my marriage BEFORE the affair. Through MB, I have learned what mistakes I made, and how I can improve. I now KNOW that had I used MB before, it would have been AMAZING. I am most likely never going to get the chance to use MB, but that doesn't need to be true for you.

And you asked for Opinions. Around here, the only opinions that matter are DrH's, since he founded this site. Maybe you could read HIS words.

Have you thought about calling the coaching center? They can help you better understand the concept and reasons behind exposure to children.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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I am now trying to see his perspective on the matter.

Well, I would submit that trying to get a firm handle on his perspective would be the work of about one minute. BSs of all standards of marriage feel betrayed and damaged by the one person from whom they expected to find support and commitment. For their own reasons, the WS unilaterally voids the bonds and vows that were in place and independently goes ahead with alternate plans. Really, you had to know that before sitting at your keyboard, right?

I Do care for my xh.

Okay, I care for the chances of the Yankees capturing their 28th championship.

Trying to find understanding....getting back together isn't gonna happen.

Then you are wasting your time here. Marriage repair is what we try to do. We are not here to give you absolution for your actions, to empathize with whatever complaints and grievances you may have felt were yours before, during, or since your choosing infidelity. We certainly will not be of a mind to intercede with your BH, asking him for moderation and understanding of your position.

What you do not comprehend is that here resides a huge depository of experiences with adulterous behaviours, grounded in a set of principles that can, if correctly and conscientiously followed by both partners, can lead to a repair of the damage you have caused. I can be done.

But the first part of that statement is equally valid. My friend, one or more of us has seen your story played out before, right here. WSs initiate discussions here all the time, and usually leave in a huff. Their goals are limited to a select few, and usually contain some, or most of these:

- They want to tell us their actions were correct
- They want to tell us they are happy with their actions and subsequent lives.
- They want to convince us their BS was partially (mostly? entirely?) to blame.
- They initiate discussions hoping for conflict and an exit, to satisfy their own need to have "tried"
- (My personal favorite) They want to attack us for supporting their BS, most commonly by urging the BS to stand up to the WS.

So, tell us, more openly this time: What do you want to accomplish here?

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Originally Posted by confused31
It was exposed about 5 months ago. I came here cause I was bitter and angery at first. Mad that he told my children. But I am now trying to see his perspective on the matter. Trying to find understanding. I Do care for my xh. But getting back together isn't gonna happen.
I would still like you to answer my questions.


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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Confused,

Regarding, "I Do care for my xh. But getting back together isn't gonna happen." I hope you will get past your feelings because feelings are responsible for the mess you're in right now. Your "feelings" for your husband are based on an empty love bank, I'd venture to say. That bank can be refilled if you and your husband are willing to apply MB principles. You both can attain happiness if you can get past your feelings, but you'd have to swallow your pride, stow away your resentment, and keep your mind focused on the goal of filling each other's love banks. Hard to do? Yes. Listen to wisdom of Dr. Harely and suspend for awhile what your heart is telling you. Now that your affair is behind you, your marriage has a fighting chance.

It sounds like he has said and done some things to destroy your feelings of love for him, but that has happened because of your affair. You have hurt him in the worst way possible. When you betrayed him you put him through a shredder feet first on slow. You created in him more pain, anger, and suffering than he ever thought imaginable. That's why he has said demeaning things to you. He too is going to have to put aside his feelings to make things work. But if you both can do that, you can recover your marriage.

So many here have given you really good advice. I hope you will listen to them.

Last edited by Justthe3ofus; 03/19/12 10:11 PM.
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Originally Posted by confused31
It was exposed about 5 months ago. I came here cause I was bitter and angery at first. Mad that he told my children. But I am now trying to see his perspective on the matter. Trying to find understanding. I Do care for my xh. But getting back together isn't gonna happen.

There's not much to understand: no matter the reasons, no matter what he might have done or not done, an affair hurts more than anything else a husband or wife can do, as judged by people who have been through an affair plus other tragedies. It hurt, it devastated him. That's his perspective, and the perspective of every other betrayed spouse.

What else can we do for you?

Last edited by markos; 03/19/12 09:54 PM.

If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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C31,
you may be a little overwhelmed with the amount of information and guidance you've received. I hope you understand we are all trying to say essentially the same thing. Without a reference point, I believe the statements made can seem confusing or even harsh.
As I said, my life has been forever altered by adultery. first my ex wife's, then mine, then again my ex-wife,s. Without MB I would now be living the life that everyone else does when they take the common approach to infidelity/poor boundaries, and selfishness that seems to be so prevalent in today's society (watch t.v. lately?).

But with Dr. Harley's approach as a REFERENCE POINT, all of the information above will make perfect sense.
There is a LOT of information to gather and absorb, so I continue to encourage you to read the basic concepts here, and also to listen to the radio show (and even call it if you're so inclined, or write an email). It really takes time to understand the concepts because you have to then try to implement them systematically. For instance, in my case I was engaging in a lot of Angry Outbursts (even with my kids) and so once I understood Dr. Harely's approach to that and how destructive it is as a LB (lovebuster) then I was able to eliminate the behavior much easier (I had tried in the past, believe you me).

So, I did NOT save my marriage. I couldn't bring my wife-at-the-time on board. Perhaps that was my ultimate failure, I just didn't have that capability (or motivation) at the time. However, the things I've learned here over TWO YEARS have influenced my life very much for the better. And more importantly I've been able to positively model behavior for my children (even in the absence of a loving/ 2 parent household).

What I'm tring to get at is that I think the concepts here are worthwhile to at least familiarize yourself with even if you feel you may never reconcile with your stb ex. Of course we would all encourage you to do so, because one of the concepts you will learn with reading is that your best chance of happiness is with the father of your children. You may not see that now, and I personally don't find that too surprising. But I do hope and pray that you consider exploring the ideas presented in Dr. Harley's books and here on the website.

opt


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Confused, are you reading? You haven't responded. Let us know your thoughts.


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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Bumping this thread for you, Confused. How can we help you?


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Confused, how can we help you?

**edit**

Last edited by MBLBanker; 03/24/12 06:07 PM. Reason: Disruptive
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**edit**

Last edited by MBLBanker; 03/24/12 06:16 PM. Reason: Disruptive

D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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I have been busy with my kids and work, that is why I haven't been on. I'm also very tired of being called names and beaten up by people here. I've made mistakes. I can't change the past. I'm trying to change my hurt,habits and hangups. But feel people here just want to see all the horror I've done. Im not proud of what I've done! Yes I had an affair. Am I happy about it? No!!!!! Sometimes it takes two to mess things up!

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Originally Posted by confused31
I have been busy with my kids and work, that is why I haven't been on. I'm also very tired of being called names and beaten up by people here. I've made mistakes. I can't change the past. I'm trying to change my hurt,habits and hangups. But feel people here just want to see all the horror I've done. Im not proud of what I've done! Yes I had an affair. Am I happy about it? No!!!!! Sometimes it takes two to mess things up!
Lashing out is a defensive posture that won't gain you a thing.

I would still like you to answer my questions.

BTW, have you read some of the articles on this site yet?


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**edit**

Last edited by MBLBanker; 03/24/12 06:10 PM. Reason: Disruptive

Me: BS 51
Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy."
Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors.
Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage
Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11
MC told me that he probably has a personality disorder
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**edit**
I agree 100%. I like constructive posts.

opt

Last edited by MBLBanker; 03/24/12 06:14 PM. Reason: Editing out disruptive quotes
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Originally Posted by confused31
I have been busy with my kids and work, that is why I haven't been on. I'm also very tired of being called names and beaten up by people here. I've made mistakes. I can't change the past. I'm trying to change my hurt,habits and hangups. But feel people here just want to see all the horror I've done. Im not proud of what I've done! Yes I had an affair. Am I happy about it? No!!!!! Sometimes it takes two to mess things up!

Yes, and it takes one to get things back to working again. You both made vows, but who is going to step up and do what it takes to get the marriage back on track?

The difference between Marriage Builders people and the rest of the world is they believe that marriage is a promise to be kept and that falling out of love is a problem to be solved, not an excuse to bail out. Putting away the resentment, ending the blame game, and applying the principles that will fill back up your and your husbands love banks can get your marriage back on track and lead to a life of marital and romantic fulfillment.

Own up to your mistakes and stop blame shifting. It doesn't get you anywhere but to divorce, an unhappy and fruitless place.

By the way, I detect very little if any remorse for what you've done to your husband. You have expressed regret for committing adultery, but you have showed no sympathy for your husband. You're in a very self-centered mode still. Sure, he wasn't a perfect husband, but he still was your husband. You've hurt him in the worst possible way and you don't feel you owe him an apology. Instead you blame him for his part in making you unhappy and for telling the truth to your children.

If you want to recover from this and have no regrets moving forward you need to step out of "me, myself and I" mode quickly.

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Good post, Just.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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