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I need help! I found out that my husband of over nine years was cheating on me, the day after Valentine's Day. I knew he wasn't being forth coming with all the details, so after a week of trying to figure things out, I moved out with our three kids. I have been moved out of the house for a month now, and he is just starting to realize within the last week how much he misses me and wants to fix this. The problem is, the "girl" is suggesting that she may or may not be pregnant. As I write this, I am on pins and needles because she was supposed to contact my husband with the pregnancy results and has not. My husband has called her and she is not taking the calls. I don't know what to do? I can not move forward with any type of "work" towards our relationship, until I know if she is going to be involved in his life in the future.
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Welcome and I'm SO sorry you are here. You will get a wealth of advice.
First and foremost, do you want to save your marriage? Does you WH?
IMMEDIATELY, your WH MUST CEASE ALL CONTACT with the OW. This supposed OC IS NOT HIS until you have DNA proof.
Take this time before the OC is born to work on recovering your marriage. Worry about the OC once it is born and OW comes knocking.
Me: BS age 35 POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there Married 14.5 years, together almost 16 DDay: 7-5-09 OC born: 7-23-09 no COM: tried 6 years  D filed 5/05/2011 D final 11/10/11 I was gaslighted for 2 years. "You were not built for a safe story. Take risks and feel what it is like to actually be brave. It's worth it." Carlos Whittaker
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I am so new at this, you will have to excuse my questions: what does all the WH, OW, OC stuff stand for? I'm assumIng that OW-other woman, OC-other child, but the other ones I'm not so good at. I can understand that way of going about it, the only thing is, she has no way of getting ahold of him. Doesn't know his phone number, address, place of work. If she is pregnant and decides to keep the baby, he wants to know. We have three kids of our own and he doesn't want any surprises for me, himself or the kids.
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You got it!  WH is wayward husband. she has no way of getting ahold of him Your WH will probably not like my advice, but this is the BEST possible scenario. If she can't get in touch with him, that is LESS drama for you and your COM's (children of marriage). Dr. Harley advocates NO CONTACT with the OW/OC until at least the OC is 18. This is for the protection of your family and your marriage. The chance that the affair will rekindle is too great. Unfortunately, there is nuclear fallout for ALL involved, but the path of LEAST nuclear fallout is complete NC. You will find others that might advise you differently, but this is what Dr. Harley says and this is his site. I know people WITH C and it is extremely stressful. One of our own, Faithful Follower, will be along shortly. She has C, but after living and experiencing this nightmare, she will tell you NC is best. I'm sorry that your WH possibly fathered a child out of wedlock. But he CANNOT worry about this OC until he has proof that it's his. Trust me, OW will rear her ugly head. They always do. She WILL FIND a way to get in touch with him when she needs money.............You worry about and address it then......... Trust me on this. I HAD to "know" too. I did EVERYTHING wrong in my sitch. EVERYTHING. And I'm now D.
Me: BS age 35 POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there Married 14.5 years, together almost 16 DDay: 7-5-09 OC born: 7-23-09 no COM: tried 6 years D filed 5/05/2011 D final 11/10/11 I was gaslighted for 2 years. "You were not built for a safe story. Take risks and feel what it is like to actually be brave. It's worth it." Carlos Whittaker
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Your words so far have been the only calming source for me. Thank you. I did think that the best thing was for him to pursue the truth, but I'm thinking differently. I want so much to believe that he is sorry for all that he's done, but I've been using this potential OC as my way of protecting myself in a way.
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. I can understand that way of going about it, the only thing is, she has no way of getting ahold of him. Doesn't know his phone number, address, place of work. If she is pregnant and decides to keep the baby, he wants to know. We have three kids of our own and he doesn't want any surprises for me, himself or the kids. rsm, he needs to agree to NEVER contact her. Contacting her will mean a resumption of the affair. If she ever contacts him, he needs to refuse all contact and only respond if he is contacted by an attorney. You need to make this a condition of his return. PLEASE listen to all the radio clips by Dr Harley discussing this subject. Did you listen to his radio clips and read his article?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Read this: Originally Posted By: Dr HarleyI am revising SAA and it should be in print sometime in 2011, and the problem you raise will be included in it. But it's particularly difficult to address because of our no-contact-with-the-ex-lover rule on the one hand, and the need of a child to have contact with their natural parents on the other. Our radio archives have more on this subject than anything I've written so far, because we've had several listeners call in with this problem, and I describe the approach I take.
As you probably already know by now, I tilt toward keeping the marriage healthy at the possible expense of the child not having adequate contact with the OM. I recommend that at the time of birth, the other man not be mentioned on the birth certificate unless he demands it. That makes your husband the legal parent of the child. If he does demand being on the birth certificate, I recommend that he pay child support until the child is 19. If the OM wants visitation, I recommend that it be done with transparency, so his own family knows what's going on. A mediator, paid by him, is to pick up and deliver the child so that you and your husband never have to have any contact with him.
In almost all cases that I've witnessed, the OM isn't willing to be named on the birth certificate, pay the child support, or make the situation known to his family. Under those conditions, I highly suggest that he not be able to visit his child until he or she is an adult. If an attempt is made, I suggest getting a restraining order. While that policy seems very rigid and uncaring toward the child, the alternatives are usually disastrous. Having an old lover around, the cause of your husband's greatest sadness, has such an devastating effect on the marriage that few survive.
Having heard from some of the couples who have followed this way of thinking, and others who have done the opposite, I am confident that it is the best approach to your situation.
Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr. Listen to these radio clips: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2409On the show below Dr Harley walks a couple through how it should be handled. The husband is refusing to not see his OC and Dr Harley tells him why he needs to never have contact with the child or the OW. It is the 3-13-12 show and you can listen to it by clicking here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3684http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3685http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3686
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My only question though, by him removing himself completely, isn't that unfair to the innocent child? If one is born?
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My only question though, by him removing himself completely, isn't that unfair to the innocent child? If one is born? NO!!! It would be unfair to you and your children to stay in contact with the OC. It will destroy your marriage. How fair will that be to your children to have a broken home? On the other hand, this OC will never know your husband so he will miss nothing. Your marriage and your children have to come first. MORE people will be hurt if he keeps contact than if he doesn't. PLEASE listen to the radio clips I just posted. Dr Harley explains why the fair thing to do for all is for him to STAY OUT this child's life. And your husband can write Dr Harley and speak to him [for free] if he has any questions.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My only question though, by him removing himself completely, isn't that unfair to the innocent child? If one is born?
NO!!! It would be unfair to you and your children to stay in contact with the OC. It will destroy your marriage. How fair will that be to your children to have a broken home? On the other hand, this OC will never know your husband so he will miss nothing. Your marriage and your children have to come first. MORE people will be hurt if he keeps contact than if he doesn't.  AGREE WHOLEHEARTEDLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: BS age 35 POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there Married 14.5 years, together almost 16 DDay: 7-5-09 OC born: 7-23-09 no COM: tried 6 years D filed 5/05/2011 D final 11/10/11 I was gaslighted for 2 years. "You were not built for a safe story. Take risks and feel what it is like to actually be brave. It's worth it." Carlos Whittaker
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My only question though, by him removing himself completely, isn't that unfair to the innocent child? If one is born? Ask yourself if it is fair to destroy your marriage and your children's security over an OC that he has never met? Is that fair? See, his first obligation is to you and your kids. Do you have any idea what kind of life you will have if you have to deal wtih the OW for the next 18 years? Welcome to hell! Welcome to a life of on again, off again affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The OW can find another man to father that OC. On the other hand, your husband is the ONLY FATHER your children know!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I totally agree with that. I just feel like my husband is partially responsible for this potential child and that it is unfair to neglect this potential child. But at the same time, I do want to protect MY children.
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I totally agree with that. I just feel like my husband is partially responsible for this potential child and that it is unfair to neglect this potential child. But at the same time, I do want to protect MY children. You can't have both. Which do you choose? Her OC or your kids?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Did you listen to the radio clips? PLEASE do not post again until you have listened all of those radio clips.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My kids. I'm listening right now.
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My kids. I'm listening right now. Good girl!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I just feel like my husband is partially responsible for this potential child and that it is unfair to neglect this potential child. But at the same time, I do want to protect MY children. That is an unfounded assumption that the OC will be "neglected." The OW can take care of him. The OW can find another man to father the OC. On the other hand, I PROMISE you a much worse lot in life for your children if this OW and her OC stay in his life, because your marriage will not likely make it. Your children will surely be neglected if you are divorced. You will be neglected if you are divorced. That is a CERTAINTY. You have to choose who you are going to put first, you cannot choose BOTH.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I agree, but I felt that those terms were selfish and irresponsible of me. Now what happens if my husband does not want to walk away not knowing the truth of the situation. A little background on my husband, his father left him when he was three months old and dealt with issues throughout his childhood because of that.
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I agree, but I felt that those terms were selfish and irresponsible of me. Now what happens if my husband does not want to walk away not knowing the truth of the situation. A little background on my husband, his father left him when he was three months old and dealt with issues throughout his childhood because of that. The radio clips???
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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