What state are you in steele?

Colorado. Marriages over twenty years and the Judge can and usually does award alimony (called maintenance here) and it can be for life whether she re marries or not.

I wouldn't worry too much about alimony and stuff like that right now. You blow this affair up and I kinda doubt that divorce in going to be the attractive alternative it once was. You need to gets your sons on board here and let everyone guide them to help you save your family. If you decide down the road this isn't worth it, then so be it. That's your right and choice. But you have to give yourself a fair shake here and you cannot do that with scuz bucket in the picture. He has to be eliminated as an alternative to you.

And that begins with exposing him for what he is to his friends and family. Your wife is flat out lying about them knowing and being mad about it. They do NOT know the truth. They only know whatever bullcrap story they have conjured up to make her welcome in that circle. You need to blow this up and bring the truth out into the open.

I promise you, save it or not you will feel better if you expose his side. Plus if he has a girlfriend/wife he will probably throw your wife under the bus in ten seconds.

A BIG Amen to that!

Oh, and there's no such thing as a friendly or amicable divorce. Get that outta your head now.

You better believe this, steele. It may (right now) seem like the best way to go but there is no such thing as "amicable" in divorce. Right now she's just being greedy with her feelings. You can bet your last dollar she's gonna get greedy about money down the road.

You MUST eliminate the threat. There's just no other way. You have a lot of weapons at your disposal to nuke this.

...she could really take me town for alimony in this state if I blow things up.

Get the "no alimony" agreement in writing, witnessed by BOTH attorneys, and the judge, etc, etc......and THEN blow things up.

Who the HELL told you to play fair?

Steel,

My mother did the same thing 2 years ago. I am only a few years older than your sons. Enlist their aid to expose.

Find out the truth about this OM. He has at least 3 failed marriages/relationships? How much do you want to bet that he is not single right now? He likely has children of his own - again, allow your sons to help you with this.

2 years later I still refuse to meet my mother's OM (now husband), the respect is gone forever. Not only that, but your sons will now always carry a fear that any future wife will do this to them too. I'm sorry.

"she could really take me town for alimony in this state if I blow things up.

Get the "no alimony" agreement in writing, witnessed by BOTH attorneys, and the judge, etc, etc......and THEN blow things up.

Who the HELL told you to play fair? "

Nobody told me to play fair and I damn sure don't plan on playing fair. I just don't plan on screwing myself over anymore than I already have been. I would like to get the divorce done before I put a plan in action. Hold things over her head until I get the divorce done and then think about whether I even want her back. The problem is there is a minimum ninety day waiting period here. I don't understand the concepts at MB well enough to know if that will work or not. I can almost guarantee that she will have moved several hundred miles to be with him by then.

I don't understand this line of thinking one bit. Would you care to elaborate? Your plan is to get divorced under the best of financial circumstances possible for you and then do what you can to recover? Tell me I'm reading this wrong.

At the rate you're going, probably sooner!

steel, don't take this the wrong way but I have to ask; why are you here? Do you want help to save your marriage or not?

Huh?????

I was responding to neverguessed who said to get it in writing and signed by both attorneys the judge etc. well, there is only one atty, he is only drawing up the paperwork and the judge doesn't even see anything for ninety days so what I meant with my poorly worded answer was that this would only work if I went through the divorce before blowing things up.

As far as do I want to save my marriage or not, I have already stated more than once that I don't know If I want to or not. I have flip flopped on this several times. I would really think that all of you that have been through this would understand that. Or am I the only one that is going through this?

Oh, we've all been there and done that. Every person on this board has a story just like yours. We are a sympathetic and empathetic bunch.

But that doesn't matter right now. The question is; what do you want? Seriously! Do YOU want to recover your marriage or not?

This is a cut and dried question here. We need to know what your intentions are. We've given you a head start, but you shut everyone down with some of your comments previously. You need to come clean with your intentions now. If you're just looking for a place to vent, then that's fine. There are many of us that have been through what you are going through. WAY too many. Too much heartbreak on this board.

Again, what do want from us?

My son and I tried to access his facebook friends tonight. He has everything blocked. Apparently the only way I could get access would be if he friended me. Ha ha don't see that happening. And I really dont know a damn thing about this guy.

Everyone important to my wife already knows and everyone is pissed at her except for her mom. Now what?

I guess right now I just want to vent cause I really don't know what else to do. I already threw her out of the house screwing up plan A. Although we do work face to face five days a week. Don't know if that helps.

I cant think of anyone else that she really gives a damn about to tell. Her and I did everything together she really doesn't have any close friends. (her choice)

I apologize for some of my earlier posts, I was at work in the same room with her when I was posting. Should have waited till I got home.

Steel, I am of the opinion that your tossing her out had no negative effect on your chances of recovery. That's not said to make you feel better, you understand, but to make you realize the really sucky odds stacked against you for this having a favorable conclusion.

Scientists tell us (and the overwhelming experience here confirms) that most females can only "love" one man at a time. Her brazen "Screw you" attitude demonstrated by flying off to get her pipes snaked by POSOM WHEN YOU KNEW IT WAS HAPPENING plainly states she has made her choice....and you ain't it.

A massively motivated BH, primed for a fight, and willing to endure agonies for maybe six months would have, at best, a 25% chance of bringing her home. Your maybe/maybe not is nowhere near the energy needed for the struggle.

What do YOU think?

I really do appreciate your honesty about the odds. That should help my decision making. My immediate family especially my boys would think I had lost my mind if they knew I was trying to get her back. Mostly because I have been telling them the whole time that she crossed a boundary that I couldn't live with.

The way she did this was incredibly cruel and she has apologized for it several times. (whatever) I guess I don't want to look back and woulda, coulda, shoulda myself anymore than I already know I will for not doing a better job of protecting my marriage.

I guess I will just be as pleasant as I can at work so that she someday maybe regrets what she has done to me and us and will have to be satisfied with that.

I dont know guys what the hell I want or wanted from this forum so throw anything and everything at me. Maybe something will help. I really appreciate all your concerns and comments.

I'm just struggling to breathe. I have a counseling session tomorrow maybe that will help.

Hey Steel,

Sorry you've joined our pitiful club. Reading your story definitely triggered my emotions as I have been through what you're experiencing right now. Every situation can have a different outcome, and regardless of what your odds are, you must form a plan and stick to it. At the end of the day, you will take great solace in knowing that you did your very best either fighting for your marriage or ending it gracefully.

You will have wild emotional swings over the next few months, and your feelings about saving your marriage or divorcing will vacillate. You are going to go through very intense feelings of anger, hurt, and sadness and they will last for a long time. You will move from hating her to loving her; from forgiving her to wishing she were dead. That is why you will need a plan that will forsake emotion and be based on what you want as an outcome. Don't let emotions get in the way of the plan.

If you decide you want to save your marriage, I would recommend calling the Harley's. They will help you by giving you a solid course of action and provide clarity.

Neverguessed might be right about your situation (his assessment of it certainly applies to my situation), but regardless, you need to fight the fight, and you need to fight it right. Read all the articles on the web site, and read Harley's books.

We all feel your pain...and wish we didn't.

Good luck, and I'm glad you have your boys and family to support you.

Peace.

Hi Steel, glad you've found us but sorry you have to be here. Reading your first post this morning (sorry, I am in a different timezone and trying to catch up on your thread now) I flinched. The speed with which your WW has thrown away the last 25 years IS cruel. My WH acted pretty similar.

I know WW's are different to WH's, however I have to point out that NG's post about odds is based on a LOT of unknowns (although certainly spot on in questioning what your thoughts are about whether you are prepared for the struggle). Right NOW your WW has made her choice. But there are a lot of variables involved. Emotions are variables.. they change and they can change quickly. Right now your WW is as high as a kite on her fix (POSOM), but in a few weeks or months... POSOM may be broke and unable to support her as you could, he may be abusive, slovenly, have other women already, six kids he wants your WW to rear, leave the toilet seat up, who the hell knows?

Some addicts kick the habit quick, others take months, years or never recover. It all depends on your WW and how long she can sustain the fantasy aided and abetted by how POSOM treats her and what EN's he is capable of meeting. It sounds as though WW would be removing herself from everything familiar, sacrificing a lot for him. That hurts you right now, but it is likely to hurt her more in the long term (especially if you have entered Plan B by that time). Especially if you do a proper exposure to POSOM's family and friends, so many will view her as an adulteress.

Only you can decide if fighting for your marriage is what you want. No-one here will judge you whatever your decision. Right now you are still reeling (and likely will be for a while). Accept this and give yourself time. Some BS's immediately fight for recovery, others choose divorce. Some later change their minds on whatever decision was made during the shock that follows D Day. Your D Day is very recent. Give yourself time.

I was exactly the same (maybe worse, I didn't even know she existed let alone a name!) Despite being a FB novice at the time, I started snooping on WH's colleagues FB pages and started to get suspicions. Any chance you have mutual friends? If so, contact them, expose and request their help / support. It is amazing what FB support you might get. When I exposed OW I had her sibling provide her mother's contact details.

If this doesn't fit your sitch, during Plan A I set up a fake FB page (check out the snooping thread, Surfer88 has advice) and sent friend requests to OW's family / friends during Plan A. It didn't do me much good apart from feed my suspicions, but a real life friend send OW a friend request, skank accepted, and jackpot, I got 288 friend list along with wall posts prooving the affair.

It depends on whether you want to fight.