I hope people will bare with my questions, I am seeking others input into thoughts that have been bouncing around for a while.

We all know the SAA forum is like an emergency ward... every day, new casualties (BS's) arrive.

The circumstances of the injuries (an affair) are all pretty similar. The reasons for the onset of the injury (the WS having poor boundaries and EN's being met by AP) seem the same too.

Yet the patient's reactions differ. Most initially want marital recovery, others immediately seek personal recovery.

The general consensus for those that have never survived an affair seems to be "once a cheater, always a cheater" and "I would never take a cheater back". But when a BS actually learns of the affair, the reaction on these boards suggests the majority do not follow this. Instead, the "fight or flight" response regarding the marriage seems to kick in. Most choose fight for the marriage. But some don't.

I am not saying either way is the "right" way. It comes back to individual choice. I do not intend to undermine those that choose "flight", as actually, personal recovery is no easy ride either. In my stich, I was in no way ready to give up on the marriage prior to D Day or even when D Day arrived... I instinctively launched into fight for the marriage having not even discovered MB at the time. I am just seeking other's opinions about why... what makes some BS want marital recovery and others not, particularly given my reading on MB has shown the state of the marriage pre-A is not necessarily the driving factor.

Caracal, I think a lot of it has to do with lovebank levels. If the wayward has neglected the BSs lovebank for some time, the BS won't feel the same urge to fight. Even the most prolific serial cheat seems to feel the need to toss his spouse a good few coins every now and then.

The 'I'd never take a cheater back' mantra seems to mainly come from BHs whose wives have cut off completely. Women's focus is more likely to concentrate entirely on the lover. Its very hard to consider volunteering for six months of abuse when there is no apparant hope. My BH cut off completely, but before Dday he was still paying in coins. I had a high love bank to deal with.

All the 'quit now' advice I received was well meaning, but didn't tackle the lovebank I had. While I didn't have children as some pointed out, I had love and commitment. Plan A reassured me I had done my best by the marriage. In Plan B I healed on the back of that knowledge. In Plan B my lovebank froze and I would now be able to divorce without it hurting.

In my opinion, all the plans, including rebuilding are for personal recovery. The attacker who put the knife in the BS is also a skilled surgeon who knows how to heal the BS better than anyone.

The BS therefore has two choices: 1) to stay away from the attacker and heal their own wounds or 2) to see if the insanity behind the attack is temporary and do what they can to heal themselves and the attacker too.

I say great to anyone who wants personal recovery, and some peoples lovebanks are so low they don't need Plan B. However often its just the rollercoaster talking.

In my opinion when you marry you become one ... and when children are involved marital recovery is crucial.

For me I lost myself in my marriage because I didn't know how to do marriage. My WH's adultery helped me find the tools to know now how to do marriage.

Personal recovery is coming but only because my WH abandoned us completely. I have no other options anymore I either recover myself or I cannot parent well.

I did everything I could to save my marriage. My WH is one of the worse ... he doesn't want his kids, a wife, a home, or anything else that was part of his married life. He is 100% in bachelor mode and will stop at nothing to redefine a new life for himself. I remember him distinctly saying to me,

I asked him several months back, what do these women have that I don't ... and his reply "Tough, they have a clean slate."

Bingo ... he cannot and will not own anything he has done. In his world, he would rather trash, throw away, or completely dispose everything and everyone he has harmed because he refuses to do the work to make himself better.

This is at an extremely HIGH cost ... his finances and his children.

Knowing this knowledge helps me shape my personal recovery better. I can finally let go and I no longer need to be drawn into his dark and evil world.

In my personal recovery I finally found myself again. I know what kind of wife I am and I am equipped with tools to make a marriage successful. I have learned the mistakes I made and I am finally grasping the idea I will be divorced and will marry another someday.

The only thing that hinders recovery is my WH's actions with his children. He rarely sees them, and as time continues his visits become fewer and far between. My children are devastated. The pain I carry for them due to his actions can be crippling. I am not sure if this pain will ever go away because it seems my children will forever be suffering at his immature and selfish actions.

Tough~