It's been awhile since I've posted. Years, I think. Not even sure if this is still about infidelity or not. It's about a lot of things. You can search me and read my story of my husband's infidelity and drug use. Last time I posted, I felt stuck. Stuck because I knew in my heart I would never leave him. I settled.
Two plus years ago, my husband hurt his back at work. He has been on disability since then. I know now that I no longer love him. I no longer respect him. I no longer want to be with him. I'm mad at myself for not leaving him years ago when my reasons were valid. I now cannot leave him.
Shortly after his accident, I was promoted at work and got a nice raise. I run a department. Have an office. Travel to places I've never been. I bought a new (used) car and lost 46 pounds. I bought a new wardrobe. However, I can no longer support my family. I'm on the verge of losing my new car and my house. We can barely make our monthly bills. I can barely give my kids lunch money.
My husband is in pain, every day, every minute. He moans with every step. He talks constantly of his ailments to me and anyone who will listen. He is on painkillers and is surely addicted at this point. I can't stand to be around him. His injury conducts every aspect of our lives. There are no trips. No sex. No movies. No family outings. Nothing. I come home from work and I cook, clean, do laundry. I help him shower and lift his legs. I'm a caretaker. I can't leave him. My sons would never forgive me.
I'm bitter. I cannot afford shoes for my kids and certainly not counseling for me. Worker's Comp pays for his counseling but I'm not allowed to go. I don't see any change in him, though. He's on anti-depressants and is needy. He calls and texts me several times a day just to tell me how much he hurts. I rarely respond to him. He begs me not to leave him. I tell him I won't.
I no longer cry but I have a constant throbbing headache. I fear this will affect my job. I have no one to talk to. I've gained back 30 pounds. I don't want anyone to know what a cold-hearted [censored] I have become. I want to give him back to the nasty woman he had an affair with.
Obviously, I'm venting. Not sure if I'm expecting sympathy or a swift kick in the behind. Maybe some advice on what to do, where to go, how to move ahead. I'm sick of people asking how HE is doing. How HE is feeling. No one asks about me. How I am doing. How I am feeling. It's all about him - the man who cheated on me...abused drugs and alcohol...ruined my credit...and is now sucking the life out of me.

Tatertot, if you haven't already, please see your doctor. The stress is obviously affecting your health and jepordizing your livleyhood. Perhaps if nothing else he or she could help you find a seminar on coping skills until you are in a place to move forward.

Tatertot, Welcome back to MB!

While I agree you might need a help from a doctor because of the stress, I was reading your previous posts and didn't quite understand this - did you or did you not use Marriagebuilders programm in full and together with your husband?

Did you ever expose his affairs to anyone?

If you do not deal with infidelity seriously, and just hope it will go away, then it is expected to be bitter. Infidelity must be exposed and requirements for marital recovery implemented. You are bitter, because you have settled for less, no just compensation has ever been made by your WH.

Tatter, welcome back to MB.

MB is NOT marriage at all costs.

You aren't happy with your life, so it needs to change. Bottom line.

TT;
You are fuled only by emotions right now. Emotions are wonderful things, but they do not belong in the drivers seat.

Please see your MD about some intervention, some medications can really help you focus and stop depression.

MB is an action based plan, you are going to have to start thinking in those terms.

Anyone who cares for an invalid is under tremendous stress, on top of that, you are the main parent/household provider.

Screw shaming yourself, does no good, it is toxic, and you really need some support and help.

BC

P.S.
I mean some medications can help you focus and LESSEN the symptoms of depression.

There is no magic pill that is going to be a cure all, but (I speak from experience) the right one can be a godsend.

Thank you for the responses.

I did try to work the MB program and read the books. I told my family, his family, his closest friends, and his coworkers. It was railroaded when he decided to move out. The first guy he moved in with kicked him out when I told him he cheated on me. The 2nd (single, alcoholic) guy happily moved him in. After 2 months, I went dark. He then started to panic and made his way back home opening up his cell phone and email to me. We went into counseling. I don't feel I ever got a heartfelt apology and I'm certain he never told the complete truth. I had suspicions of multiple women and he swears he only had an EA with the last one. I don't believe him and feel he has never come completely clean with me. That is probably where the deepseeded resentment comes from, but I don't care anymore.
The past several years, though, he had done everything to be a good husband and father. He was attentive and loving. I never suspected any other affairs. However, I never fully forgave him.

Today is our 20-year wedding anniversary. We are having Hamburger Helper and Great Value corn for dinner.

I can't afford a doctor right now. I don't have the $25.00 copay.

A friend bought me 25 Hot Yoga sessions. Maybe that can boost my mood?

Tatertot. I don't think you would ever forgive yourself either if you left him in this situation.

Your boys are old enough that they need to step up and start pulling some of the weight of this family. They are perfectly capable of cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, lifting legs, and even getting a job to help pay for some of the things they want like those cool new shoes. It's just what they need to do as a member of the family.

Your physician may be able to direct you to some assistance programs.

Your story is heartbreaking. Keep reaching out for help.

(((hugs)))

I am really sorry for your suffering Tatertot.

You may want to consider contacting Wokers Comp and finding out if they will cover the expense of a home health aide to help care for your husband's daily needs. If they do not they may be able to direct you to the right resources. It would do a great deal to help relieve some of your stress.

You might also want to consider calling the Harley's radio show. Not sure how comfortable you would be with that but I know they could help.

You are right, Pokerface. I wouldn't forgive myself.

The boys do help, though maybe not as much as they should. My oldest son works and takes some college courses. The other two are active in sports and other school activities. My youngest is going to Washington DC next month. (I maxed a credit card so he could go) I don't want them to feel like they have to stay home taking care of their father. Actually, the best thing for my husband is having his sons watch basketball with him or just having a conversation.

The only thing I know is to accept and be content. I've held it in for so long I've become a little insane, I think. I don't think this has to be the end but I have no time or strength to change it. I don't even know how to change it.

I know I need help but I don't know if it's worth it. It won't change my situation. I'm not leaving. Can someone effectively change my thinking, my feelings? I'm wallowing here, I know. Maybe making excuses.

I feel so sad.

Tatertot. I don't think you need counseling. I think you need help with the suffocating responsibilities that you face.

Don't be afraid to ask people for help or if they know of any resources that may be available to you. It always amazes me to see the length that people will go to help others. I'm wondering if maybe no one really understands your situation and thus haven't stepped in with whatever they can do.

You can't go on like this. Try to stop thinking about the past and focus on the now. I know easier said than done... If you can get some relief, both financial and domestic, I think you will feel less bitter.

It's out there, but you will have to reach out for it.

Talk to social services, too, and maybe the local hospital. My grandpa is living with my mom, and is in hospice. Many of the benefits he gets would be available to him even if he were not in hospice, but simply being cared for at home.

He would still get visits by a nurse, a home health aide, and periodic respite visits for several days in a nursing home.

You will be able to find help, I am sure. It won't do him or you any good if you tatter your health to bits. Exercise will help a bit, but will not be enough to relieve this unbearable burden. Don't be afraid to have those boys do more, either. You won't ruin them if some of the time they help you instead of doing other, more frivolous things. There's a balance in there.

Once you have your immediate crisis stabilized and get some outside support for the VERY difficult job you've been doing, then we can talk about marriage issues. For right now, in triage, the more pressing issue of being impossibly overburdened needs to be addressed first. Stay on here, and we'll help you brainstorm and work through your options.

We've made some calls this week. Worker's comp won't cover anything beyond what they are already covering. We did request an advance for hardship. We may get a few thousand dollars. We are also waiting on a decision from Social Security to see if my husband qualifies. Only other option is to tap into my 401k. I don't want to but we may have no choice. My son needs braces. With my insurance, it will still cost us about $2,500.

I came home early from work today to find that my husband didn't move from his chair all day. He hadn't showered and the house was a mess and the animals hadn't been fed. I felt I couldn't stay. I had a $100.00 left on a credit card so went to Target and bought Easter candy for the boys. I wasn't going to buy anything for Easter. The boys understand our situation, but I just couldn't NOT get anything. I came home and have been in my room all night watching TV.

I'm dumping here because I have no one to talk to. I'm a manager at work and do not want anyone in my department to know I'm struggling at home. I don't want my family to know how bad it is either. I'm a pretty good liar.

It's almost 10:00pm and my husband has decided he wants to shower now. I've got to go help him. It's tough, but I can do it. He's 6'4" and 325 lbs. I'm 5'2" and slightly overweight. It's not so much the physical act but the mental. I just have to retrain my thoughts. My husband needs me.

TT, at the lowest point in my life, I thought I had NOTHING, and ON ONE to support me. At the last moment, before bringing the situation to an end, I finally went to Him I should have relied on much earlier.

There are folks here better equipped than I to speak to ways to extract strength from belief. I'll let them do that. But from a practical standpoint...

I don't know your religious affiliation or orientation. (For simplicity, I'll assume Christian in my phraseology.) But the people who minister to their congregations would very possibly know of the ways to help you manage your family's lives.

Pick ONE problem - say the physical task of managing your husband's infirmities. (How much better would your life seem if hubby were showered and dressed - with assistance - each morning while you're at work?) Ask for help from them to do that. They might very well have a parish ministry to do that kind of thing - they often have ministries to tend to yard work/home repairs for aged parishioners.

Don't tackle everything at once. Don't think you're the only one to do the tackling.

Thank you, NeverGuessed. I have thought of that. We haven't been active in the church for years. After the affair, we started going again but slowly started to phase that out of our lives. Now that I need it again, I'm ashamed to ask for help. I'm sure they think I only take but never give.

My husband refuses help from others. He has a friend that has come by the house, power raked our yard, takes him out for lunch occassionally. He works out of town so he only sees him a couple times a month. That is the extent. My H would never let anyone help him with showering and dressing except for me and the boys.

It's nearing noon and my H has not moved much. Says he is in terrible pain. (BTW...the shower didn't happen last night) He is going on day 3 of no shower. I know he is depressed, but he does have some mobility. It doesn't take much to wash dishes or feed the dog. His doctor says he needs to move more. The more time he is sedentary, the longer it will take to heal. He needs to move his muscles. I've asked him 3 times already today if he is getting up and he says "yes". He still sits. He doesn't feel like moving. He just wants to sleep. He doesn't want to help himself. He doesn't need to do anything because he has me.

I know that if the OW knew what was going on now, she would laugh in my face. I worked so hard to retain my marriage. I won! Now look what it got me.

I see some good advice. But I just feel so danged sorry for myself. I'm just like him. I don't want to help myself. I'm comforting, helpful on the outside. I'm selfish and mean on the inside and it's eating at me. I feel I am about to burst and I know my H and sons are starting to suspect.

I'm going to work on convincing myself to seek out help from the church. If not for him, at least for myself.

TaterTot - nothing in Marriage Builders says to withhold legitimate and radical honesty.

You are way overdue for a radical honesty session. Depression is a terrible thing and painkillers make it worse. Your husband is going through a legitimately bad ordeal. But servitude is not a marriage. He'd more likely get disability aid without your income or potential income.

It might be time to consider getting out of his way and letting him fall. It's not your way - it's not my way. But it's probably the right way to do things.

Harley has some newsletters - three of them, entitled "When to call it quits". You're legitimately in two of the three situations, possibly all three now.

It may be time to have a talk with your sons and get their ideas of how to have you all step up to the plate more to help their dad - and if they will, it's also time to get their dad's buy-in to getting himself some help. Like an intervention/tough love session as a family. United to get him to pull more weight.

Let them know that you will likely be leaving that burden up to more capable hands if they won't help, by leaving him so that he can get that help from government sources because you can't carry it yourself. If it comes to this, they've already been warned, and they can choose to have a part in how it goes down or not.

Find your own backbone first. You deserve to be able to focus at work. Your employer deserves it too. Carrying the burdens you are right now, you will eventually lose your job. You must recognize this somehow. And make the necessary course corrections now.

Set up some gradual incremental responsibilities for him:
1. Self care - get himself to the bathroom and through the shower daily by an agreed upon time.
2. Responsible for one family meal prep per day, and keep the house in order.
3. Responsible to feed and care for the pets.
4. Responsible to do his movement therapies daily.

If he cannot do these simple things for himself, let him know that you cannot continue and that you are fast losing your love for him. You have compassion on him but what's happening cannot continue because it's not healthy for either of you.

Ask him to come up with what he's willing to take responsibility for - see if he'll come up with at least the four things above first.

You're not his mother. And you're not his nurse. It's time to choose out of those roles.

The other half of the "help" that is possibly available is a third-party voice telling your husband to start doing what he can do. Like I said, I'm not the most religiously-oriented poster here, but I've learned to accept assistance from whence it comes.

Though I'm not sure what the answer(s) is/are, it hurts to see you struggling desperately. For your own sake, please leave no option unexplored to get help on each front. Why stop at asking one church for help? Ask if several can share the responsibility for helping you.

If you haven't already, speak to social services and your local hospital to see what programs exist to help family members who are having to give long-term care.

You feel hopeless because you're in an impossible situation, and don't see any way for it to change. Let's start by changing what we can of the situation you're in, and bringing in some fresh blood to give you a break. Then you might have the energy to work with us on some of your unhealthy thought patterns and habits.

I agree that it's time for you to give WH some radical honesty. He needs to know that you can't go on any longer the way things are, and that you expect him to step up and cooperate with his healing process.

After you lay out your expectations, if he doesn't live up with them, let us help you find creative ways of attempting to inspire him. For example, if he won't get up and shower, give him a bed bath right there on the spot. His chair will naturally get wet enough to be uncomfortable (just try not to get it so wet that it's ruined). And voila! A perfectly good reason to at least get up and lie down in a new location.

Baby steps. You can change this if you make up your mind, and follow through with action. You can't change him, but you can change how you try and do the whole thing yourself.

Well I can relate to this Tater..(IS that why the screenname, cuz thats all you can afford for dinner?) Ah nevermind that, I just hate having them as part of a diet...its deppressing..


Where can I start? So much to relate to...Ok putting out the big fires..the kids. I am avidly a think your way through it kind of person, and I know mood stabilizers and medication can help get us in positive places in our minds, but we would like to be able to stay there without them right?...So we have to, and do it for the kids. My Mom was strong awesome woman who stayed and fought for her marriage with my foolish Dad until they split up...I did the same, with a foolish drug addled wife, until she died from cancer..(From the Vitamin H?) I am like my Mom, and like so many relationships, the one with my wife was so attractive because it reflected the one with my Dad and I. I had something still yet to prove, that I could save anyone.

Not to get to far off track...I have 3 children with my late wife, and standing tall and real was all I could do, in the battle for my wifes mind, when she started to use again. They have scars, but God has helped us through, and even though they don't go to church, they still believe in Hope and Love, and are strong individuals.

But talking about the bitterness, and the self blame game, and the guilt, and all that tripe..(which I KNOW is all Bullchit, but still am suffering with, because I am a sucker for punishment..)

This next poster as many on this board. hit upon something important, as we try to handle all this alone.


More later, if you want to read my story, it is all over the boards. I came here because of deppression and guilt after my wife passed away, and to figure out what I could have done differently, and what Dr H said about drugs and alcohol, rang out the truth.. It is drugs that they love, and they want to control that love also.(My words and observation) The truth is, we chain ourselves to them willingly, and think thats love, because of our sacrifice for them, and the bitterness comes because our plans didn't work out.

I know you can trust the MB plan for recovery, as it is what Gods plan is, for marriage, and the love we should have for ourselves first, and then each other.

So much to cover, and so much to let go of..Until next time, hang in there

Please listen to these people.
It is not acceptable that your husband expects you and the boys to take up this burden all alone. Totally selfish, he did not mind getting undressed for the OW, did he? In that case he can be a bit more flexible about how to fix his personal hygiene.

Also, if he can wash himself with water and soap an a wash cloth during the week, he can save the shower for Saturdays.

We live in the 21th century (I think) and there are many things that can be done about chronic pain. Also, your husband is sabotaging his own cure. Please get a doctor's advice or get a second opinion on the pain medication. If he has back pain, that is not going to go away from sitting in a chair all day.

This is not hopeless, but you cannot go on like you have. This has to change radically.

God bless,

Happyheart