I installed the keylogger and so far nothing useful has come up. My DH has an important test that he is studying for and right now all of his focus is on that test. So this may take some time and I'm starting to have more doubts about what I'm seeing. I'm very confused.

You are in Plan A while you're snooping, correct?
Pep's Carrot and Stick of Plan A That Melodylane posted to you?

Keep snooping.

Proof is what you need so you aren't confused. Keep doing what you're doing. If he's cheating, and it sure sounds like he is, sooner or later he'll get careless.

Yes, I am continuing with Plan A as best that I can. I read about LBs yesterday and I'm avoiding those, though I am having a hard time trying to stay connected. His studying helps though b/c he's distracted and busy.

I'm definitely feeling very low and very confused. I guess there is that part of me that wants to believe that I am completely mistaken, but I'm sitting her with the scrap of paper that has two women's phone numbers on it. I was waiting to get more information before I called the numbers, but I may go ahead and call. I'm really trying to trust my instincts right now though b/c I've failed to heed them in the past and my gut is telling me to get more information before I make a call that could tip him off. This will be a slow process. He's off with us this weekend and we already have a lot of plans so there is no way for him to be off doing anything this weekend.

You can do a reverse lookup. Even if you have to pay to get more information, it could be worth it.

Even if he's not letting you meet his needs much, as long as you're meeting what you can and are available to meet the rest, it still works.

Call the numbers and find out. It's going to eat you alive until you do. That's what tipped me off to my wife's spider web that unraveled very quickly once I knew she was talking to another man more than me!

This wasn't picked up upon:

He has a pre-paid credit card because he has bought or is buying something that he does not want you to see on his credit card statement.

A secret affair phone (which might also be pre-paid).

A flight to OW's town (or other travel ticket).

Hotel bills.

Gifts for her.

There is an outside chance that it might have been used to pay for spyware for your PC or phone, so that he can see what you know or suspect - but I don't think it's that. I think it's one of the other things.

I did the reverse look-up and got no information. Unlisted number and the other one is an 877 number (toll free) so no info available on it.

If I call do I identify my DH or do I just ask general questions? I have never done this before, I'm not sure what I would say.

Oh and this weird thing happened last night (unrelated to the possible infidelity) but thought maybe you all would have some insight into my DH's strange reaction. We were having dinnertime conversation and I was telling him about a co-worker who just had surgery and what she is going through right now. The rest of my co-workers and I have been taking turns taking our lunch to visit her and help out. Yesterday I went to her house for my lunch to sit with her while her DH ran errands. I was explaining this and then shifted into telling about how cute their house was and made a comment about how her husband had built a lot of their furniture, which I thought was just a cool thing to do.

My DH instead of saying something like "Oh that's neat, etc." immediately started going on about himself and what he has done around our house and how lucky I am to also have a guy that is so handy too and how he's also a handy husband and some other husbands can't do what he can do (insert dig at SFIL) and literally said "What do you think about that?" I was sort of flabbergasted by his reaction to what I thought was pretty mundane conversation. I didn't know how to respond so I changed the subject. Did I really do something wrong by just mentioning that my friend's DH built their furniture - I just thought it was a cool factoid - like pointing out that one of my friends is learning to sew or something???

He then later gathered up the kids and me to run an errand to our rental property (which he usually does on his own) and this was clearly an effort on his part to teach our oldest about what we own and what daddy did to own it and have her admire it. I was glad to see him teaching her about working hard and how you can create your own income, but it also seemed very much like he was wanting some admiration. I have not done the EN questionnaires yet, but does this sound like a man who craves admiration and also does he sound insecure?

Also, I know my post is all over the place here. But when I initially begin to feel something was off (before I found MB and learned about Plan A) I did act very stand-offish with him and I mentioned something to him about the porn. I am wondering now if my behavior tipped him off and he is now stopping whatever he was doing and maybe feeling some guilt. He's been very attentive to the kids and I and has a whole weekend of activities planned.

So I guess, I'll just go back to what I keep saying over and over again: I'M CONFUSED!!!!

He doesn't sound insecure to me. He just sounds like a person who likes to be admired. When you brought up your friend's husband, he felt slighted. And the way to overcome that is to make sure you praise him for his good traits. My husband is very handy around the home and I never miss an opportunity to show him my appreciation and to brag on him.

Even if he IS cheating, this is your tip-off that admiration is a top EN, and that you need to be meeting it. Think of several nice things you can thank him for or compliment him about today.

First on calling the numbers did you see this?

Second your WH obviously loves admiration and Dr. H says this is one of the easiest EN to meet. Admiration
You can start this immediately. Go tell him how wonderful he was for teaching you DD the lesson about hard work

Just an update for the weekend. We actually had a very nice family weekend. My DH was off work all weekend and we spent all the weekend together doing family activities. I did finally have an opportunity to get in his car more thoroughly, which turned up nothing. I am finding nothing on the keylogger as well. So I'm starting to lean toward believing that this was a porn issue that ended when I made comments to him or he was thinking about starting one, which also ended when he saw a change in my behavior.

I did not get to call the numbers yet since I was with him all weekend, but will do that sometime over the next day or two.

Other than that all I can do is continue to monitor the computer activity. But honestly, right now he has a professional licensing test he is studying for and he is pretty much solely focused on that test so I don't think that even if something is going on that it would receive any of his attention until that test is over.


I'm now thinking about what I want to do if I was, in fact, wrong about what I was feeling b/c clearly to have these feelings and be wrong we still have some serious issues to address.

We also discovered a new big repair we are going to have to do in our house this weekend. Which is a huge bummer b/c it's going to be a lot of money. My DH wants to work a lot of overtime after his test so we can pay for it w/o hopefully needing to get some financing for it. We also are planning a date for the two of us next weekend. So, I'm still unsure about things, but overall we did have a really lovely weekend, lots of fun and affection - all of that good stuff.

Glad you had a nice weekend, with a chance for a break.

Keep those great Plan A moments coming, and stay alert for opportunities to snoop. Let us know how it goes with calling the numbers. Even if you learn nothing from the calls themselves, if your husband is very angry with you for calling, you'll know he was up to no good.

So make the calls, and just watch to see what his reaction is. And don't worry, no matter what he says in his anger, it doesn't have any bearing on what the actual outcome of your M will be. So just relax and be calm. Get back on here and tell us how it went.

Keeping a record of where I am at now. My checking has turned up nothing. The one thing that really set me off down this path of thinking something was wrong was something I saw on the computer. I now know that it was a solicitation to go to website that my DH did not respond to, as I had said before he is not very computer savvy and he does not know how to make himself invisible when he's logged into his account so he has been receiving IMs. Thankfully, he did not respond to them.

He was looking at porn, which he has since stopped since I said something about it. Anyway, the only issue left are the phone numbers and I know I will get flack for not calling. But now that my head is a little clearer, I believe that these may actually be work-related numbers. So I am now even more hesitant to call them b/c obviously I do not want to cause my DH trouble at work and he has very volatile boss. Because of where they were found and what I found them with and the fact that he pretty much discarded them like he does other work items, I'm leaning toward it being work-related numbers. Perhaps I'm rationalizing, but nothing else has turned up at all.

His car is clean, computer stuff is clean and even though I don't have his cell phone password, he does not act like with it the way he did previously where it never left his side. In fact, he completely forgot it yesterday.

So, I have nothing to call him out on. No proof. I will keep my eyes open, of course. But what I am figuring out is a lot of this started due to my being in a depression that got really bad early this year and then go worse. I was aware that my thinking was off and that is why I was not sure if my thinking is off related to him b/c the depression makes me go to really bad places in my thought processes toward anyone when any little slight happens. In fact, I had told a close friend when I started all of this looking into thing that I was worried that I was seeing things and perceiving them wrong. I still don't know if I am or not, which is a problem.

Anyway, I'm getting help to deal with the depression and hopefully as my mind begins to clear up - I can look back at this issue more clearly. Because a lot of this has been a big muddle in my mind. My DH has been incredibly supportive and helpful as I begin to take steps to do something about my depression, which has had the effect of making some wonderful deposits in my love bank toward him. I do plan to delve a little deeper into MB principles and start trying to apply them as well as dealing with my own work at overcoming the depression.

Can you afford a PI? A PI will figure out those numbers.

What about a GPS or a VAR in his car?
What does he say when you ask for the cell phone password?

Are you on AD to help with your depression? Make sure you work with your doc to be on the correct meds.

Continue to snoop. You're in plan A?

I really can't afford a pi, if push came to shove then I could use credit, which I really don't want to do. I can also do the gps or var, if I feel I need to do so. Right now, nothing seems to be going on and I'm leaning toward thinking this is more a porn thing that stopped when I said something to him and maybe he was paying to look at online porn. He's always said that he just likes to look and he's been requesting me to provide that for him a lot lately. The first time this happened that was one of the things he told me he paid for - just to look. I've had a hard time meeting that need b/c I don't quite get it. But I'm learning that I don't need to understand something my DH likes in order to provide it. Of course, I also have body image issues though he tells me all the time how sexy and beautiful he thinks that I am and how he just wants to enjoy seeing me. (shrugs)

Haven't asked for his cell phone password, but then he doesn't ask for mine. I keep my phone locked to keep the kids out of it - so that's a normal thing for us. I think I may know what it is though - so I'll give it a shot when I can.

As far as the depression, I'm not on any meds yet. I have started therapy and am reading and working the 6 steps in that book the Depression Cure. I'm open to meds if need be, but would prefer to try and do this without them. I've had PPD previously and was able to get through it w/o meds - so I'm going to give it a try this time.

Though this is the first time in my life it has hit me this bad, which is why I am now seeking help though I probably should have a long time ago. I come from a family where you just get through stuff and figure it out on you own - so it has been a big step for me to acknowledge it and seek help. Even during some really tragic circumstances my family members will not get help and while I'm not in the middle of any right now, it makes it harder to explain to them. It's just b/n my DH and I and I have 2 close friends that I have told for now b/c of that. I'm also feeling very hopeful with this therapist. I've tried therapy (under the guise of other issues) before and was disappointed, but my new therapist seems to be much more knowledgeable and I believe she is leading me to some tools that will help me a lot.

I'm definitely still snooping. But nothing is coming up. And since I've opened up with him about my depression and needing some help, he's been even more attentive and he seems to be happier. I'm sure because I have really been very withdrawn the past few months and now we are communicating better and I'm definitely trying to be more present. He told me that he felt very lonely when I was withdrawing from everyone. So I will continue my snooping, definitely in Plan A but right now my focus is definitely on lessening some of the depression effects b/c it's affecting my work and how I interact with my kids and everyone else.

Have you read what Dr. H says about complete transparency?

Also read these. Addiction to Porn #1
Addiction to porn #2

BH, thanks for those links. Yes, I have read that information about transparency and I know it is a problem. I plan to continue reading here and getting the books and start incorporating what I can into our marriage.

I still do not want to formally introduce my DH to this website while I'm still looking and bit unsure, etc. I know that is one of the things that will help is to have complete transparency. Also by reading here, I know that our "independent behavior" is an issue as well. That will probably be one of the hardest things for both of us to give up, though I know that it has been something that has niggled at me in the back of my mind for awhile. It was sort of a relief to see it defined and explained.

Order SAA first and HNHN.

Do you have any of those?