I'm so glad that I found this site. Very few people know what's going on in our marriage right now. And I'm desperate to find anyone who knows what we're going through and can relate or offer advice.

Our story is different than most. I'm not sure if anyone can relate, but if you can, I'm desperate to hear from you. I'll tell the story as the revelations occurred.

My husband and I got married 12 years ago. I was 18. He was 19.

About 2 1/2 years into the marriage, I felt neglected and decided that if he wasn't going to pay attention to me, then I was better off alone. I told him I wanted to separate. He begged me to stay. But I left anyway. I met up with a guy I had always thought was cute. We spent all night drinking and I went home with him... two nights in a row. Then I never talked to him again. After a week or two, I realized how much I missed my husband and went back home. It was probably 2 months later that I admitted what happened. He was furious, called me names, but stayed with me.
I paid for that for 4 years. We separated a few times in between because it still bothered him.
In October 2006, we separated again after fighting a lot about my jealousy. Five days later, I found out I was pregnant. Six weeks later, I found out he had been living with another woman for the entire time we were separated. When everything came to light, he came back home and although it was painful, I thought things were going well.
Then I caught him telling a friend (yahoo messenger archive) that he had seen the OW earlier that day and it made him feel butterflies in his stomach. He said that he wasn't in love with me and that his heart wanted her. So I woke him up and kicked him out. We stayed separated for another 6 weeks before we got back together for good. He had been "just friends" with the girl during the first few weeks. She kept telling a close friend of mine lies just so it would get back to me and hurt me. I finally got him to see that, and he stopped talking to her all together. And it took a few weeks for us to get things worked out before he moved back in.

We gave our lives back to God. We got into a good church. And we've been doing great ever since. It was a long road to recovery. I read lots of books about being the wife God intended for me to be. We both read "The Five Love Languages," and that helped a lot. We had an amazing marriage, and we trusted each other wholeheartedly. We never put ourselves into situations that were dangerous or even looked bad.

Fast forward to last month. We took a weekend trip together. And on our second day there, my husband made some confessions. He had been talking to our pastor and a former pastor of ours about it. The former pastor suggested saving it for a trip, so that I could not leave. He confessed that he had had sex with four other women during our marriage, all before I was pregnant with our oldest. He said God had been convicting him about it, and he needed to confess so that he could grow and step up to be the spiritual leader of our household.
One of the women was his ex. Someone I had disliked so much. One was a friend of mine, or so I thought. One was my COUSIN! And the fourth was a girl he worked with, someone he always claimed he thought was "nasty." He also kissed another girl that he had worked with.

I, in turn, had to confess that there had been two other men. One was before the one I admitted to. And the other was before we separated in 2006. I was already pregnant and didn't realize it.

I always knew that I was a horrible person. I had never told a single soul about what I did. I had come to terms with my selfishness. I tried to justify the first time because there had been rumors that my husband had cheated on me. I tried to tell myself that "he's already done it, so we're even." In actuality, I messed up first. The third time, I cried for days. I immediately scrubbed myself in the tub. I don't know how my husband didn't notice how upset I was. I couldn't hide my regret.

I have no excuses for what I did, other than selfishness... And stupidity. I put myself in situations that were dangerous. I let flirting go too far. And sex was the ugly end result.

But I had convinced myself that my husband was better than me. And now I can't look back on the first 7 years of our marriage without crying or feeling angry.

We did so much work after we got back together in 07. So it's not like we have issues we still need to resolve. We are 100% about our family and each other. And since the revelations, we have fallen in love all over again. We have passion again. We spend as much time together as possible. We spent every night for probably a week and a half having late night therapy sessions. We talked about lots of problems in our marriage that we had never discussed before. We are closer than ever now, and I feel like we really do have complete honesty now.

But that doesn't make the pain go away. Two days ago, I had a sobbing incident in the bathroom and hyperventilated. I don't feel strong enough to go through this again.

I feel hurt all around. The "friend" wasn't hard to ditch. She lives in another state and I haven't talked to her in a long time. But the cousin was like a sister to me. I'm devastated. I also feel like if she had told me, I could've ditched him. I wouldn't be hurting like this now. I would've hurt then and move on.

I was so disgusted by everything that I wasn't sure I could even stay in this marriage. My husband has been fighting tooth and nail for this. And it has really been scaring him that I have had doubts. I love him and I want to be with him. But I just don't want to feel this pain.

Yes, I realize I hurt him, too. Although, he seems to be dealing with this much better than me. Our pastor said that God must've been preparing him for this. That I was the one blind-sided.

Like I said, I knew I was a horrible person. I'm mourning the fact that he was, too. I feel like the first 7 years of our marriage was horrible. I have to remind myself that even though we made really dumb mistakes, that we did have some good times even in those 7 years.

I have felt, several times, like I don't know the person that I married.

I'm sure I can trust him. But I have doubts. I worry that he will go back to being that horrible person. I know that I would never do anything. I'm confident in that. I know that men are disgusting selfish creatures. I should've known better then. So I'm confident in myself. But I am not confident in him. My heart tells me I can trust him. But my head tells me to be careful.

I just hate this whole thing. I hate the pain. I feel like I am not strong enough for this.

Why do you blame the men? Your acts were just as selfish, maybe even more so. You have children who did not ask to be brought into this world, but they are going to pay for your selfish decisions if you leave now. Which seems like it would just be another selfish decision. You have the tools here to be successful, but you have to decide which would be more damaging to yourself and your children......divorce or fixing what you had a part in breaking.

Why were my acts more selfish?

I know I was horrible. I beg him to tell me every time he is upset or angry, so that I can apologize as many times as he needs. I'll apologize every day for the rest of my life if I have to. I tell him that I deserve whatever he wants to throw at me.... anger, hurt. Whatever. I know my responsibility.

BUT that does not mean that I shouldn't be able to process my pain as well. We're both hurt.

I am staying. I'm committed. I'm just saying that it's painful. I thought I was joining a support group. But apparently not.

We are very supportive- but we don't our members tell themselves things that aren't true- because you'll never heal, and you will never have a recovered marriage if you do.

You can help yourself and your marriage- but we ask that you examine yourself, your motives, and be straight with us.

Are you familiar with Harley's ideas? what safeguards have you put into place to make sure this never happens again?

Can you clarify... What am I telling myself that isn't true?

My motives? To heal and not hurt anymore. I am 100% committed to making this marriage work. I am not leaving. I would not do that to my family. I absolutely adore my husband and cannot imagine my life without him.

I am very honest with myself about my role in all of this. I know it ALL is completely my fault. You reap what you sew, right? I was a horrible wife.

Three months after we got married, I started a job at a local newspaper. I spent too much time around the police department. And even though it bothered my husband that I was too into my job, I brushed him off. I worked more than full-time. I worked all the time, even when it wasn't really necessary. I eventually left that job for less demanding job in the same field.

And then I was jealous. I never trusted him. I accused him of stuff all the time, and made his life a living hell. I was angry. I didn't fight fair. I didn't want him being friends with women, even though I didn't always practice what I preached.

I've read through the Basic Concepts, if that's what you're talking about. It wasn't anything new to me. These recent confessions weren't new stuff. It's all stuff that happened more than 5 years ago.
We have spent the last 5 years making our marriage more amazing than we could ever imagine.
I've read Love and Respect, The Five Love Languages, Created to be His Help Meet, For Women Only and most recently, Torn Asunder.
I've spent the last five years allowing God to mold me into the wife that he intends for me to be. I am a SAHM now.
And my husband has stepped up to his role as leader of our household.

We are open and honest about everything now. Once you've revealed those things, it's like.. what can't we talk about? All secrets are out.

We do not have friends of the opposite sex. No texting, talking on the phone with people of the opposite sex. We have a date night every other weekend (coincides with payday). We pray together every night.

I tell my husband every time I leave the house, where I am, where I will be, when I get home.

I'll answer every question you have. But I can guarantee you we've come a very long way the past 5 years.. and an even longer way the past few weeks.

I guess I just hoped that someone would say "I've been in your shoes. It will get better. Here's what helped me..."

I have friends who have dealt with infidelity. But I don't know anyone in real life who has done as much damage to their relationship as we have.

And by "I know that men are disgusting selfish creatures," I mean the men that I was dealing with. I should've been smart enough to stay away from men like that. To seek attention from my husband instead.

Now, if I feel unspecial (for whatever reason, not necessarily his fault), I talk to my husband about it.

So if you are all good and open an honest now- what's lacking that you need us for? If you have the basic concepts down ( and I apologize- but I didn't see your EP's at first. I see them now. How much alone time are you getting per week?)

Not being snarky- I promise I have a point. What do you need from us? We are big on plans and actions here- notsomuch worrying about the past.

My objection to your first post was the tone it took- in which you appeared to be a victim. Your last two posts are much less so, and I am glad for it. But there is no need to characterize the other men as disgusting and selfish. You were. They weren't in your marriage. You were. See the point?

But please tell us more about your EP's, and then let us know what you are thinking we can help you with?

If you have made your marriage more amazing than you could ever imagine, and even better the last few weeks- I am confused as to why you posted originally.

I think it is because you have not properly recovered- and the bandaid over the bullet wound is starting to get loose. Actually? Because the foundation of your recovery was built on lies from both of you- I'd say you've never recovered much at all.

But I am interested in what you say.

And for the record? Trust but verify is the motto around here.

Have you read the books Surviving An Affair, Love Busters, and His Needs Her Needs? I know you have read a lot of marriage books but I believe these books work wonders. Get your hands on them ASAP.

I can see where you are coming from. The new information tore open a wound that you and your H have been trying to heal for several years. In my non expert opinion, I think it is okay that you are grieving this new information but don't let it consume you.

It sounds like you and your H are on the same page now and are doing everything to fufill your marriage. Keep it up and keep posting and reading on this site. In five months, the books and site have done wonders for me.

I still have jealousy issues as well and can relate to your post. I would get very jealous of my H's flirting but felt justified in my own. I always thought it was "safe". Now I realize that no flirting and opposite sex relationships are safe. I have set up extremely high EP's for myself and my H for this very reason.

Do both you and your H have EP's for yourselves that you have shared with each other? Do you know each others EN's?

Thank you fifteenyears!

I don't know what EP means..

EPs are extraordinary precautions. They are list of precautions that you take to prevent another affair and to make your spouse feel safe. An example would be not having a friendship with anyone of the opposite sex.

There are examples on the site and someone with more experience than me can probably put a link on here. Since you and your H have both had affairs it would be good for both of you to make a list. Dr. H also talks about them in his book SAA.


Look at the past 7 years as a learning experience. Take your mistakes from the past and use them as an example of where you never want to be again.

Thank you! We've talked lots about it, but we never have made lists. But that's definitely something I will talk to him about tonight.

We've deleted people from contacts and fb and all of that. And we've verbally agreed that there would be no texting/calling, no friends of the opposite sex, no riding in vehicles with people of the opposite sex.

I really look at the past 5 years as a learning experience, but I definitely never want to go back to the person I was during those first 7 years (when it all happened). Over the past 5 years, we have learned our roles as husband and wife. I recently read "For Women Only," which I recommend to every woman. It has helped me to understand him more. There was a part about men being visual that really opened my eyes, and opened communication for us even more. And then he got the audio CD of "For Men Only," and he really liked it. Both of these books helped us to realize where we messed up in not meeting each other's needs.

Right now, it's a healing process for us. I am great when we're together. But when we're not, it's hard. Not because I'm wondering what he's doing. It's because I am constantly trying to push thoughts out of my head.

I am mourning the loss of the first 7 years, although my husband reminds me that we had good times during those years. We've always been good together. We just got selfish. I mourn the fact that our relationship has so much damage to it. And it is really hard for me to come to terms with the fact that it's all my fault. All of it. If I hadn't done it first. If I were a better wife, this wouldn't have happened. I can point to SOOOO many times that I went wrong. And to not have the power to go back and change it, well it sucks.

It's harder and easier going through it the second time around. I never wanted to feel this way again, and now here we are. But it's not like we are still those people and are trying to force each other to change.

Very few people know what's going on with us. So I really don't have many people to talk to about this. So when I'm having a rough day, I feel bad for loading my feelings onto my friend. I feel like I am burdening her. I just thought it would be easier to talk to people who are dealing with the same.

I am here for the long haul. I am committed to my husband and our family. And I know that one day our marriage will be a testimony. Everything for God's glory. But in the meantime, I am still human and I am dealing with it as best I can.

But you are right, I shouldn't dwell on it. I am trying to find things to focus on when I start getting upset. Right now, I try to change my thoughts to my children.

Can you afford the online study? Online Program
Home Study programs

Welcome, NLynnG. I'm not going to parcel out who deserves the most blame, and I not going to waste posting space by talking about how you two threw monkey wrenches into your marriage. You already know all of that.

I AM going to suggest that you purchase the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley, the owner of this site. It cuts right to the chase on what you and your husband need to do to make your marriage great. It is different from other books you have read, because it is a PLAN to recover your marriage. If both of you commit to following the plan and treating your marriage like the precious gift that it is, you will have a great marriage.

Question: were any of these women married? How about the guy you were with? Are you in any contact with your cousin? Does your family know that she and your husband had an affair?

You CAN recover from this - that's the good news. But the two of you have to work to make this happen. And that's really not such a horrible thing. What better thing to work hard at making great than your marriage? That should be your utmost priority.

No, definitely cannot afford that program.

None of the women were married. One of the guys I was with was married. He's dead now.
I have been in contact with my cousin through text messaging. She has apologized and wants to sit down with me, but I told her I wasn't ready yet. We were really close. We grew up as neighbors and she is like a sister to me. None of my family knows. She was young then. She has a family now. Her incident was 7 years ago. I haven't told any of our family because I am protecting her reputation. I love her enough that I don't want to make that public for our entire large family to know. I figure the fewer people who know, the better. Having people knowing and talking about it will not help my healing process at all.

Can you get "Surviving an Affair" on audio cd? My husband drives a lot for work, so it's easiest for him to have audio cd.

And thank you so much for being supportive and encouraging!

Lynn, if you have any hope of repairing the damage done to your marriage you're going to need to eliminate her from your life. I'm sorry. I know that sounds harsh, but it's in the best interests of your marriage that you and (especially) your husband have no further contact with her.

From Dr. Harley:

Right now, it's a healing process for us. I am great when we're together. But when we're not, it's hard. Not because I'm wondering what he's doing. It's because I am constantly trying to push thoughts out of my head.

I have this same problem right now.

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