Hi everybody. Its with an extremely heavy heart that I post on this forum.

My wife has been fairly unhappy in our nine year marriage for sometime and about a year and a half ago she voiced it to me in dramatic and stark terms. I sprang into action to fix the things she seemed to be upset about, but I think by then she was already gone. About four months ago, she said that she wanted a divorce. This was a surprise to me as, despite our problems, I thought (and still think) we are a great couple and have two beautiful young children.

Even though I was very hurt by her decision, I committed to handle it amicably from the beginning. We commenced mediation, and after a bit of what I now understand is a typical volatile period of about two months, we began getting along beautifully and have continued getting along beautifully for about 6 weeks. Notwithstanding this, she still wants a divorce and wants me to move out next month. I signed a lease to rent the house across the street (a house that we rented while we were doing work on the house we purchased) so that the children would be in familiar surroundings.

We worked out child custody arrangements in two one and a half hour mediation sessions and without raising a voice or having a bad thought.

We continue to sleep together virtually every night, continue to have sex several times a week, continue to go out on dates now and again and spend time together with the children. She claims to love me and still be in love with me, but thinks that she needs me to move out because our rleationship was unhealthy and she needs space. I fear that moving out will be the final step in my emotional coffin and will neceessitate me moving on. I want to give her space but am just terrified, confused and super sad.

I don't understand why we are doing this. I don't understand why we can't just keep seeing if we get along and if we do, just stay together. I know that this sounds a lot like denial and probably is to some extent but I've also been getting mixed signals (if not mixed statements).

Is there hope for us? What should I do?

Welcome to MB but I'm sorry you have to be here.

Have you been snooping to rule out an affair? Someone stating they need 'space' is usually an indicator of an affair.

I'm pretty sure no affair prior to her telling me she wanted a divorce. Since then, we've had a DADT policy, which I think she's availed herself of once -- she said they "made out", being careful to distinguish between kissing, making out, hooking up and having sex. . .

So she is actively committing adultery in front of you and your kids? How long ago did her affair begin?

And why did she ask for "space?" What did you do that so drove her away?

Are you saying you've had a "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy SINCE she asked for a divorce?

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Since you've posted in the Divorcing/Divorced Forum, does this mean that you're going to go along with the divorce? Or would you like some help trying to save your marriage?

If it's the latter, then I suggest you start snooping. Chances are high that there's an interloper in your marriage. Possibly the "date" she had where they "made out". If that's the case, then this is cake-eating at its finest and time to throw a wrench into her plans.

We have a great bunch of guys here who can help you either way.

I'm not meaning to offend you but I'd bet they 'made out' prior to her asking you for a divorce. I'd also bet that she had a DADT policy of her own as well.

You see, she had no idea that she didn't want to be with you until she had something to compare it to, ie the OM.

Let's assume I've snooped for arguments sake.

I found out about her make out session two days after it happened.

She has said very clearly that she wants a divorce and we are moving forward with the process. We agreed that, given the context, we're each free to do what we think necessary for our sanity.

I would very much like help trying to save my marriage. As I've stated (or at least tried to imply), we're getting along beautifully and having a great, loving time but she still wants to split up so she can be strong and independent.

Click the notify button at the bottom of your post and ask the mods to move your thread to Surviving an Affair forum. You will get lots of help there.

Why would she want to break up her family if you are getting along beautifully and having a great, loving caring time?

That doesn't make sense. Women don't break up their families because they want to be strong and independent. They don't do that.

I think maybe she is so happy because her plan to take up with other man and make it look like the marriage was over FIRST is working beautifully. We see that here a lot.

What your wife wants is 2 men meeting her needs and a handy boy to watch the kids while she commits adultery right in your face. In front of your own kids. With your approval. You, my good man, are a first class enabler.

If you are serious, we can help you save your marriage if it is not too late. But I don't believe you want to save your marriage more than you want to keep the peace at ANY and all cost. Am I right?

The French also surrendered to the Nazis in WWII without raising a voice or having a bad thought. That is not a virtue.

Instead of destroying your marriage and your children's secure family in pursuit of "space", how about clearing out a little corner of your garage and telling her she can get her "space" out there? That would be much better than destroying your marriage and your children's family. Divorce is devastating to children. They will be permanently damaged. And all for what? So she can get some "space?"

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME.

"I need space" is a big honkin' red light that says I want to have an affair without feeling guilty with YOU AROUND!

She wants you to pay for her to have an affair (IE pay for your place and hers too). Do NOT give her the satisfaction.

I don't think so. She has wanted a divorce for several months. I can't be married by myself so I acquiesced. As part of our decision to do this, we have BOTH said its ok for BOTH of us to see other people. That's just part of our deal. Unless I'm missing something, let's try to get over that because the real issue is set forth below:

She has been unhappy in the marriage for some time, didn't feel like I contributed enough or put her first and felt I was selfish. All of which is true to some extent. On top of it, she is a pleaser and, as a result, lived in fear of upsetting me and made her needs subordinate to mine and has decided she doesn't want to live like that.

We're getting along beautifully, but its only been for 6 weeks and I think she wants space and/or time to figure out if she can trust this.

I think the real issue is that I'm scheduled to move out memorial day weekend. I think she wants me to move out to see if she can be strong and independent and the person she wants to be and, ultimately, potentially, be that person within the context of a healthy marriage.

For me, the move out would be (I won't say the final move) a very big step that I'm not sure I could salvage the marriage from.

I'm not sure what to do.

Did you read any of the links that were posted to you?

Please read this by Dr. Harley
How to Survive an Affair

You don't understand what is happening to you because you have been successfully gaslighted. The reason your wife wants a divorce is because she is having an affair. When a woman is unhappy in her marriage, she complains and does things to improve the situation. For some odd reason, your wife is not doing that. The reason is because she doesn't want you to know she is leaving to pursue her affair. So she blames the divorce on you and rewrites history to portray a long, unhappy marriage.

Basically what you are doing is contributing to your own demise by accommodating her affair. Her goal is replace you so when you move out, she can move him in and he can take your place. He can be the kids new daddy.

I think that is cute that you are "getting along" [the French also got along with the Nazi's] but it does nothing to help your marriage.

You could save your marriage if you would stop cooperating with someone whose goal is to pursue her adultery and destroy your marriage. But you have to wake up and stop being an enabler.

Do you want to save your marriage? While there are no guarantees, we can help you do things that will give you the best chance. And that does include cooperating with a plan to destroy your marriage. You will have to change your poorly thought tactics if you want to save this.

windingitdown. That makes no sense.


Exactly !! If you want to save your marriage, don't move out. Moving out does not show dedication, commitment or any effort to save the marriage... it looks more like abandonment. Why would you even consider this when you are getting along so beautifully?

A marriage is NOT saved by separating.

So you are ok with adultery? How do you explain this to your children?

If you want to save your marriage why are you allowing her to date other men? This DADT policy is absurd.

Tell her you made a mistake in that decision and it needs to stop right now. No other men. You will no longer allow your kids to be subjected to this type of immoral behaviour.

Good grief windingitdown think about what you are teaching your kids.

windingdown, we can help you, but you are going to have to wake up and see the situation in a realistic situation before we can help. You are the frog in boiling water but don't realize it yet.