Daisy. You have gotten great advice on how to kill the A and recover your marriage...but you have allowed your WH to take control and talk you out of everything.

YOU need to take the steering wheel away from WH and find the strength to stand up for yourself and your kids.

I think this is your best bet MB Coaching Center <<<<click Make an appointment for yourself and go from there. I hear that they are very good at getting reluctant WH/WW on board.

Expose OW. She is trying to steal your husband. Why are you ignoring that? ILY texts...really?

I appreciate ALL of your advice and believe me, it has opened my eyes and helped me tremedously!
BUT
The whole exposure idea just doesn't sit well with me. Maybe it's about pride, I don't know. I just feel that if I let close friends and family KNOW whats going on then I look like a fool for even trying to stay with him. No offense to anyone because I would absolutely love for things to work out and I understand why you all stuck around like Im also trying to do. But everytime the topic of cheating comes up in casual conversation, it's always followed by divorce and how sorry they feel for the BS. Or how stupid the BS is for wanting to stay with a cheater. I do not want my friends and family to look at me differently or to pity me for what I'm going through.
I don't have a problem outting the OW but I don't know how to do that. I simply have a name and number so WHO do I expose her to?
My WH has since agreed to give me whatever I want to feel safe, monthly phone bills, passwords, and even reluctantly agreed to have his number changed (a big surprise, because it is part of his job). He doesn't know what else to do for me other than have a house arrest bracelet attached to him.
He has given me more info about the A, getting details that are now haunting me. Where they went, what they did, names of her x, etc. Now things in my daily life remind me even more of HER! It's making me physically sick.

Another NC note was sent to her via text (a nice one composed by ME) and receipt was verifyed! She actually responded to it saying she was sorry for causing trouble. She can't help who she falls in love with and she would leave him alone if thats what he wanted. The simply reply to that was a YES!

So please don't think that I haven't taken your advice. You all have helped me more than you can imagine.

Right now, im seriously thinking of leaving. No matter what he does, I don't think I can deal with this life long torment. Because of the A my position as a wife has become more of a police officer and I don't want that. I don't want a life of snooping and interrogating.

I love my husband very much and wish it could work so I pray to God everyday and hopefully I will get the strength and direction I need.

Thank you all again!

So you are more concerned with what others think of you than in saving your marriage. And that is ok, but it just means we are wasting our time posting to you if your entire goal is to impress others at the expense of your marriage. I agree you should just get divorced if that is the case. There is nothing we can do to help in that case. We know how to save marriages, not to help you gain approval from others.

question: will the approval of all those people comfort you when you are divorced? Because you are choosing the approval of others over your marriage by refusing to do anything to help yourself.

I have found that approval seeking is a very wasted effort because any approval you garner will be fleeting. Whereas a marriage lasts forever.

Part of growing up is the realization that the approval of others is fruitless pursuit. What matters is your own approval of yourself. Will you approve of yourself when you squander your marriage just because you were worried what others might think?

Do you really care what anyone thinks when it comes to doing the right thing for your marriage

What Intel have you done since you have OW's name?
Did you do this like you were told?

Please answer the questions that everyone asks you.

Especially the ones that Melodylane just posted to you.

I've searched for her and found nothing on facebook.
I did want to call her myself but don't see her answering or if she does she'll probably hang up on me when she heard who I was. Do I leave her a message? Or if she did answer and was willing to listen, WHAT would I say? Could I even keep my cool? Will I start crying? Do I get angry and yell or do I beg and plead with grace and maturity?

Even if I put all security measures into play and he became completly transparent, there is STILL no way to be 100% sure. He can access work computers and phones, he has access to company vehicles, she can even have different phone numbers that they alternate between so I don't get suspicious. Or have some sort of code for communicating on the fly. Do you see what this whole experience is doing to me? I feel like Im living in an espionage movie.

As for giving up and throwing away a 25 yr history, I feel like that's what my WH already did. He has caused so much pain that even if the A totally disappeared I could never feel the same about him. Of course we would all suffer if a D is the route I choose, but we're all suffering now anyway. I have a hard time finding happiness in anything, I don't like to be around close friends and family that can "tell" somethings wrong, my kids feel the tension and I'm sure have heard us arguing and me crying. So thats what makes me think maybe its better to get away from it all and not have the burden to carry anymore.

Dont get me wrong, I'm not throwing in the towel just yet. I still have a lot more soul searching to do but this is just an example of my reasoning.

I want to say again how thankful and grateful I am for having you all to turn to. I truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart!

Will you please answer Melodylan's questions above?

What Intel have you done to find out about OW? Is she married( your WH's word of telling you she's not married isn't good)?

Did you try pipl or intelius?

Read this Online records

Its not approval I'm concerned about. Its my comfort in facing these people for the rest of my life knowing that they know intimate details of my life and I choose to stay with a cheating husband. I guess maybe it's myself that I need to convince because I have always said that cheating = divorce. The problem is that there is so much invested in the 25 yrs that we've been together, so much to lose, so much change. But am I willing to sacrifice my mental well being by staying in a tarnished marriage or am I better off ridding myself of all the pain? If it were just 2 people with no baggage the decision would be easier.

The only intel that i did on OW was name search and reverse # look up. I have to be careful with what I do on the computer because who knows, maybe he's watching ME.

You have a whole list of things you won't do. What exactly would you be willing to do? Anything?

Can you go to the library and try this Online record search

Wanted to clarify, I love my H with all my heart an do not want to voluntarily lose him but I was simply trying to say that with kids, house, cars, finances, etc in the picture its harder to make a decision because it affects all those involved not just yourself.

Thanks for answering some of the questions. Please answer Mel's above.

It is because of your kids, house, cars, finances, that you should be taking the advice here. Your tactics have brought you closer to divorce. On the other hand, most of us here have saved our marriages. If you won't take tried and true advice from people who saved their own marriages using Dr Harley's suggestions, what will you do?

Daisy, from reading your posts, it appears that you are more concerned with "looking like a fool" than your kids, house, cars, and finances. I hope that is not true, but by not taking any action, you do the greatest harm to your children because you won't defend your marriage and their family.

Your kids need you to put aside your fears and start standing up for their family. You do not have the luxury of giving into your fears right now. Your kids need you!

I feel defeated. This whole A is consuming my life. I can't even do my daily required chores or focus on anything but this stupid A! I feel like I'm sneaking around and trying not to get caught. I don't like it at all! It's making me sick, I feel very uneasy and drained.

By soul searching, I meant deep thinking as to WHAT i really want. Of course I want my marriage to work but why should I be the only one that's working for it? Its like a battle and it's 2 against one! And obviously the OW had or still has more pull than me because shes the one that stole my husband! This is of course if you all are correct that it is still going on. If it HAS stopped then I still have to deal with the fact that my H was someone else's love interest and all the wonderful disgusting details of THAT!

Can you get into your doctor to get AD's? Dr. H recommends this if you're really struggling.

Then you can swing by the library and do this Online records