The longer you wait the deeper into the addiction she will be. Please follow the advice.

The longer you wait the deeper into the addiction she will be. Please follow the advice.

Steve, sorry to hear about your sitch. Hope you are doing something nice in Plan B for the anniversary! I have been wondering lately what happened to you. Please give an update on your thread...

Sorry for the T/J DG.

Buy the book Surviving an Affair and every step recommended by owner of this site for infidelity recovery is explained in detail.

Exposure is not an option. Exposure is the BEST way to end the affair which Im not entirely convinced its what you want.

Is it possible you are more annoyed she got a new boyfriend before you could score a new girlfriend?

Three months have passed and she is evidently dating and bringing dudes back to your house. You've had no contact with her for what?, 2 weeks now? I agree she is cheating on you, but she may think you are OK with it. You havent shown her anything different.

Get with it.

This thread should be moved to SA.

That said: I was exactly where you are. You, sir, have been bamboozled. I too got the � let�s have time apart to heal and then we may be able to reconcile� line.

You�ve played right into the standard female trap. Get H to move out, establish visitation for him as weekends only, and then carry one with affair/dating.

I get the impression that there is no one specific guy in the picture.

Here�s the bottom line for you: If you allow this to stand, then embrace the time you have with the kids because you�ll have to spend about $50k or more to change the status quo once you wake up from the slumber.

Move back into your home. If she wants out, then she can leave. She can get her own place, pay for her own adultery internet, computer, and phone, and you take primary responsibility for the kids.

You can�t save your marriage by avoiding her anger. Say that 100 times. Saving your marriage will REQUIRE that you tick her off.

Why? Because it requires you man up. It requires that you rock the boat. Meekness will get you nowhere my friend. Action will accomplish what you want.

I say this to you as a man who speaks from experience. I did exactly what you�re doing and it took me $50k to establish a fair custody arrangement and the WXW never woke up from her waywardness.

You need to take action and it starts by you say, �I�m home! What are we making for dinner, honey?�

Let�s treat the main problem first. Move back in. Then, after doing so, snoop. Establish spyware, record phone conversations, catch her in the act of interacting with her AP, whomever it may be. If these are guys she�s meeting on the net, then you may be in luck. They likely haven�t established any kind of emotional attachment to want to deal with a husband who calls them and tells them to back off because she�s married. Again, I�m speaking from experience. Had I kept my ba**s I may have avoided the $50k I spent trying to undo my mistakes.

Once you have evidence, expose then confront. You�re being given a very clear, simple, defined path for you to take action to either save your marriage (your main goal) or protect yourself legally (by not letting her establish a status quo).

Embrace the idea that your marriage is over. Try to reach down into a deep place to emotionally detach yourself from the situation so you can do what you need to do to preserve your rights as a father. This may involve saving your marriage. It may involve protecting yourself legally. Either way, you must act. Being passive is what ends up causing most men to lose their rights as fathers or end up being nothing more than weekend dads and paychecks.

You MUST upset the applecart.

desperateguy, you were completely and totally set up and played. She moved you out for one reason and one reason only: so she could freely commit adultery.

She played you like a fiddle! And I bet you are still paying her bills, right?

And of course she is committing infidelity. Infidelity is a romantic or sexual relationship outside of marriage. Being separated is not some magic entitlement to commit infidelity.

All the affairs who've been killed from exposure. Read a few threads and you'll see.

The ones whom exposed=affair dead on the road to recover most likely.

Also Dr. H has over 40+years saving M from affairs.
Buy the book SAA and read.

Did you move out or did she?

Also read this ht Dr. Harley
How yo survive an Affair

He moved out and has been told to go back home.

I also linked the Men don't leave your homes

In other words he abandoned his family. Desperateguy, do you realize that many judges frown on abandonment? Men who abandon their families in their time of greatest need do not fare well in court, which is right where you are headed. You have done more to destroy your marriage than your wife by running.

You did everything but drive the OM to your own house by running. She is now free to replace you with an OM. Do you want your kids exposed to that?

You are making serious strategic mistakes that are destroying your marriage. If you want to turn this around, then you should go home and expose her affairs <s>. That is your best chance at saving it. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposing them will ruin her fun. And thats ok if she is pissed off. You are a big boy and can handle it.

However, your complacent approach all along does not give me much hope. You have facilitated her affairs at the expense of your marriage. Exposure works in about 50% of the cases, but I suspect yours is probably too far gone because you have been such an enabler. As Dr Harley says, "its hard to save a marriage when you are enabler."

If you want to have any shot at all [a slim hope at that] you will need to go home and expose the affair. Outside of that, I predict you will end up in divorce court.

Please understand we�re speaking to you from experience. Some of the harsh statements you see are not attacks. They are how you can be portrayed by a lawyer. You left? He abandoned his family, your honor. Trust me. It doesn�t matter if it�s true or not. It is how they will try to portray you.

Also, don�t for one second think, �she wouldn�t do that or stoop to that level.�

Yes, she would. I thought exactly as you do. I also thought, �these MB people just don�t understand my situation or my WW. If I do what they suggest I will make things worse.�

The reality is that your marriage may be doomed, but your rights as a father don�t have to be. The path to saving your marriage and the steps to take are very narrow and they apply universally to all affairs or wayward mentality. What was tough for me to get when I was in your shoes was that there was no one specific OM but several guys she as flirting with. This makes the advice you�re getting even more effective because there is no emotional investment by a man with your WW. So you showing up will drive many of these men away.

Please don�t depart because we�re not giving you advice that is all warm and fuzzy. You�re in an ER and getting triage advice. We�re trying to wake you to the legal peril you face by not being in your home.

Let's see... the plan was to separate and work on youselves. So you were kind enough to move out and give her and you space.

Now instead of working on herself she is "working" on other MEN. Sounds like that wasn't the deal. Not good for the kids either. They need you there to protect them. Other men in house with your kids is asking for trouble. Anyone can understand that it is not safe for the kids like this.

Have you filed for divorce? Still married? Married men live with their wives. If she doesn't like it she can leave.

You can expose anytime, but sooner than later is best.

dan

dan

helpthelostdads,

Sorry don't mean to hijack this thread but your comment about how your wife was flirting with men caught me. I was trying to find your story but could not. I have a thread in SAA called "am I doing the right thing" if you have time could you fill me in on the details of her flirting and what was the outcome?

Thanks

Thanks all, there's a lot of hard advice there. Not saying that it's wrong, just difficult.

I'm working on an approach, but likely to confront her in 2 days.

I was once on this board under a different name. Changed due to legal battles.

I was deployed. She setup a myspace page, when that was the thing, and used it to meet men online. She advertised herself as divorced despite the fact that she wasn't.

So she flirted with several guys, went on 5 different dates with different men, and got physical with one of them.

There was one man who she was most interested in, but he wasn't the only one.

Her behavior was pretty crazy.

I came home to discover what was happening, was pretty devastated, came to this board, didn't follow the advice given. I caved in to the lie of a "amicable divorce" with the idea that we'd reconcile "after some time apart."

Well, once the papers were signed there was no sign that she intended to reconcile.

I moved to be near the kids, fought a brutal and draining legal battle to get time with them, ended up getting a fairly equal arrangement, healed, met someone new, remarried. Now have a baby on the way and I couldn't be happier.

WXW is still whacky and I haven't wanted her back in my life for a loooooong time. Those feelings died shortly after the D when she made false accusations against me.

This is a nasty, dirty fight. Wayward wives can be some of the most manipulative creatures imaginable and they very often use anger to beat a BH into submission. The BH often fears losing the kids, losing the wife if he takes action, and very, very often gets frozen by fear.

The ones who do well are the ones who take the attitude that the marriage is dead and that it will either emerge as a new marriage or stay dead. They take action and don't let fear affect them. Those are the success stories on this board. Some marriages are saved. Some aren't. But in the end, those fathers who take action protect their time with their kids.

This is how you confront. With your bags in hand and go straight to your bedroom and start unpacking. You don't owe her ANY explanations. That is YOUR home, YOUR marital bed, YOUR children. Period. If you can do it before she gets home from work, then great! Surprise her by having dinner ready for YOUR family on their arrival.

If she doesn't like it, well then tough. She can get the hell out if this is the kind of life she is choosing to lead, but don't allow her to turn your marital home, your children's safe haven, into a cathouse playground. You're allowing this to happen by not being there. Right now you need to look at this as not about saving your marriage, but saving your kids. They need you more than ever right now. They need that one sane parent and the one they are living with is not the one.

Everyone else is right on the money as well. Legal ramifications could be far reaching and devastating to you if you don't get back in there and now. Abandonment by a male is not at all looked kindly upon by any judge out there. I'm not saying she would take that route, but you would be making the biggest mistake of your life assuming she won't! Right now she's out of her mind. Remember that, and don't discount it one bit because if you do, it will bite you in the [censored].

Trust us on this one. It's happened WAY too many times on this board. God only knows what happens outside this board without good advice.

Exposure comes next, but get back in that house first, and then we can go from there.

The biggest mistake men make on this board is saying to themselves, "She wouldn't do that to ME."

You're not special. You're not different. Neither is she.

We've seen this movie way too many times. We speak to you from experience.