I believe the most important things posted by Cyndyk were:




Cyndyk,
I hear the grief in your posts. I am sorry for the many losses you have experienced because of your father�s adultery and the destruction of what was once your family.

I am shocked by the responses you have received here. You are a VICTIM of divorce. As I read through this thread, all I could think of were my dear children and how horrified I would be if they were attacked this way�EVEN IF they had made all the same choices you have concerning your parents.

I remember when Mulan was suicidal. My husband posted to her through the night with great concern for her well-being. She was completely quiet for several months after that, and many of us were so worried about her. We had no idea whether she was dead or alive. So YES, I DO understand your concern about telling her of the remarriage.

And every time the children of a BS in a dark Plan B tell the BS about the goings-on of a WS, we always tell them to firm up their boundaries and make it CLEAR to their children that they want to hear NOTHING. So, YES, I DO understand your reason for not telling her. You were respecting her wishes (respecting her Plan B). Some could argue that this was big news and she should have been informed, but that is a matter of opinion and doesn�t warrant the beating you have taken here.

Here is where it gets tough, Cyndyk. Whether you saw it this way or not, attending the wedding was a betrayal to your mother and it cut very deeply. The WS marrying the affair partner is most certainly the BS�s WORST nightmare. And the nightmare gets worse when the children become apart of that "sacred" celebration.

The OW has taken a lot from me. But she NEVER took my name. There is something very raw about another woman carrying YOUR name. Mrs. WH. There are so many things that happen during adultery and afterward that continue to cut the BS�s heart into shreds.

This is why you hear everyone crying�.COMPASSION. They want you to understand that which you cannot so that you will stop hurting your mother. Before my husband�s adultery, I am not sure I would have understoond the wrongs that have been done by your attending this wedding and continuing to have a relationship with OW.

But if you want to help your mother, you have got to trust her and the rest of us when we say your attendance there was DEVASTATING.

I�ll be back with more�.

I think that cycle has taken root PrincessMeggy by the foggy and wayward enabling that has already occurred.




NB28, more than likely it will be her husband using that book by the anger she has towards her mother the BS. You hurt your mom and yet you seem to blame her for reacting to that hurt.

Does your mum have to actually commit suicide before you wake up and get the backbone to stand up for what is right.

Tell me what would you have done if your mum had actually succeeded at committing suicide. Would you still be forgiving and accomodsting to your father and his skank??

Isnt It enough that your mum was in so much pain she considered suicide to make you see how desperate she is for support??

If her own children won't stand up for her please tell me WHO will??

And if she doesn't act in the exact way you expect, what will you do? Cut HER off? Because obviously, not standing up supporting your lack of compassion, and lying towards your MOTHER is much worse than committing ADULTERY.

Don't make your mother choose her own personal recovery, and support HERE over her relationship with YOU. That is UNFAIR, and you would be removing the ONLY people who understand her and can actually HELP her through this. We support your mother.

You can't turn back time. What you CAN do is tell your father that from this day forward, you will NOT support his affairage. That you CAN do. And that will START to help your mother heal. And stop lying to those children. Tell them things, in an age appropriate way, and teach them to be productive members of society by having good morals and values.

Thank you "bear" - I really appreciate your words. I do understand het devastation around the wedding and I feel awful about. I hated every minute of it. I really did.

I guess I better send my husbsnd here because all of my lying and cheating will take it toll soon. Unbelieveable.

CyndyK

Have you ever expressed to your father that his actions are horrific??

Cyndyk,

I agree with you that it seems that Mulan is "stuck" in her anger. It permeates just about every post she has made for a very long time.

But there are stages to grief, and one is anger. Each of us travel through those stages at different rates and each of us are equipped with varying degrees and styles of coping skills.

Your mother is grieving many things, and must walk through the stages of grief on each of those things. She grieves the loss of:

the man she loved and married and thought would be her life partner

the family she proudly invested her heart and soul into

the woman she thought she was (the image she had of herself as a loved wife raising a great family)

the life of being grandparents together and having that lifetime connection and heritage

the financial security that made it possible for her to invest in her family instead of her career for decades

and so, so much more....

Maybe Mulan is progressing through these stages at a snail's pace. I don't know. I know that she still aches deeply for all she has lost.

I hear you saying that she cannot see the blessings in front of her (my paraphrasing, not your exact words)because she is "stuck in her anger". Trauma tends to do that to you, especially when it has been long term, which is the case with serial adulterers such as your father.

Be back with more...

Then you are withholding valuable information from us. It makes the playing field unlevel, do you understand that? We can't know where you're coming from if you don't tell us where you're coming from, which includes your observations and perspectives. Knowing your complete history will help us respond to you. You understand that we are very protective of Mulan, correct? We would like to hear what you have to say.

Funny how she can direct all this anger towards her mother but just says the wayward father is great and he made some mistakes.

Mistakes and cheating doesn't even belong in the same sentence.


Go ahead and run away because you don't want to hear the truth, sad way to live running from the truth, lying because you don't want to hurt some one.

Funny how you didn't lying to your mother, but it's ok to lie to your father and support his affair marriage, hey there is no getting away from it, you would rather compromise yourself hurt your mom, by supporting a lying cheating human being.

While it is true that Cyndy is a victim of divorce, victims still make choices. And those choices still have consequences. Can't hide behind the label of victim if you continue to harm others. It's important to understand that choices are made everyday, and you can change what you do TODAY, and TOMORROW, but not yesterday.

And as Marital pointed out, we are protecting Mulan.

Whenever we send a BS out into the world, we tell them that they should imagine us behind them, supporting them. When you are on this forum, you will see that come through when someone attempts to harm one of our most esteemed members. I count Mulan as one of them.

X2

Exactly my thoughts, why is it easy for you to criticise your mums pain but dismiss your fathers assault on her???

If you are as fair and neutral as your stating then it's time to go have a talk with your dear daddy and give your mum a brake.

I would never tell you that you shouldn't feel that way. Of COURSE you should. When you committed to him in marriage, you committed for life. Did you know that wolves mate for life? You are like a wolf who has lost their mate. {{{Mulan}}}

Are you content? I would like to see you get to that place. Where Life didn't exactly deliver what you'd hoped, but things are...okay. I don't think you are.

Cyndy, if you want Mulan's response, call her!

I was 11 when my father married the ho, so of course I did not attend, but I learned after his death when 'family' were attempting to reconcile what the ho did with photos that my uncle (his brother) was best man at the wedding. I wish I knew that at the funeral, I hugged the idiot instead of punching him.

I was making dinner and helping my kids with their homework! Geesh.

Yes- I have had extensive conversations with him. I feel very confident that I know the perspective from each side. XH is certainly no angel and Ive told him that.

I do understand the hurt pain and crushing blow. I just feel like it has consumed her life for the last 10 years and prevented her from enjoying time with anyone else.

Maybe you should keep reading. I don't think anyone is trying to be patronizing. I think they're trying to educate Mulan's daughter.

cyndyk,

Let's be honest. I have a saying that I tell many people. " You can try to lie me but you can never lie to yourself." You might even get away with the lie you told me but in reality it's all about YOUR conscious.

How do you feel about what your Dad did to your mother?
Do you think she deserved it?
What do you think about people that commit adultery?
Would you commit adultery?

If you are as honest with us in what I believe your conscious tells you the answers probably go something like this:

I think it was pretty crappy what Dad did to Mom. She definitely did NOT deserve what he did to her. I've watched how his affair has nearly destroyed her. In fact, she is not the same person she used to be.

Committing adultery is WRONG. Hell, it's even one of the 10 commandments (I consider two - thou shall not covet). People that commit adultery are selfish and are only thinking of themselves.
I would NOT ever in my lifetime commit adultery. I would NOT do that to my husband or my kids.

So far am I pretty accurate in your thinking?

Okay, now let me give you the piece of the puzzle that you don't have.....

(con't next post)

I faced a similar situation when I was very young, only it was one generation removed.

At the age of oh-I-don't-know maybe 60 or 70, my grandma, who had been widowed for many years, married her former adultery partner. She had been off committing vile and immoral acts while my grandfather (whom I never met) was on his deathbed. My dad, still in his teens, had to call her up and insist she leave her tryst just before Grandpa died.

All this was long before I was born, and even though I believed adultery was wrong, I thought of myself as being sweet and open-minded to be so accepting of "Grandpa K" when I met him. Had I stumbled across a place like this at that time, I would have been reamed. I would also have had a hard time understanding the connection between the past transgression of adultery, and the current marriage. Just let bygones be bygones, and the past stay in the past.

It was not an easy experience learning first-hand how wrong I was. "Grandpa K" can be VERY VERY GLAD that he met my younger self and not the current me. Though I have no anger toward my own dear husband, or any of my many friends who are repentant former waywards, I am always angry when an active adulterer rips apart another family for their own selfish lust.

I will always take a stand for marriage.

Being so close to an adulterous relationship without taking a stand has left an imprint on you. I know it's also been difficult for you, and your father should never have put you in that predicament in the first place. Ultimately this all traces back to his choice to indulge in infidelity.

At any point in this, you can choose to take a new direction in your interactions with your dad. You can love him without accepting his adultery. Even though it will rock the boat, it's the right thing to do.

Cyndy, I apologize to you if I hurt you. My way of posting sometimes comes across harsher than I intend. Tone gets taken out when you type.

I think a HUGE part of your treatment here is because ALL of us Betrayed spouses have had people in our families, and real lives support the WAYWARD spouse by NOT denouncing the affair. Maybe some of my own anger towards people who don't stand up against affairs was transferred onto you. For that, I am truly sorry. I just hope that you took away from this something that may help you, and your mother heal.

I applaud you for sticking around. Many get treated less harshly than you and run for the hills.

I find this an interesting choice of words. And I think it voided the point you were trying to make. Just saying.

We're not mad at you, sweetie.