I do not think she is on AD meds anymore, although I could be wrong. Where we are right now, I'm not expecting any over night miracles (although they are welcome), and I know this is going to take quite some time to reconcile. We aren't ripping each others throats out, so I view that as a form of progress.

Ok so she's still in the house with you, correct?

Have you verified NC of the affair?

Are you eliminating all lovebusters and filling her EN?
What are her top EN?

Yes, we still are living together. Neither if us have taken the EN questionare and I'm not pushing for it too hard yet, since she is the kind of person who will run if forced into a corner. So doing what I've done so far without here blowing up yet is a good sign, but the last night thing I want to do is send her over the edge. That had been our problem in the past, we would gave a couple goods weeks, then one of us would do/say something...them we'd have to start all over again.

Have you verified NC between her and OM?

Ok without taking the EN questionnaire. Can you guess what her top EN's are?

What lovebusters do you do that "send her over the edge"?

I have indirectly verified NC. I would guess her top EN's are Need for Conversation, Domestic Support, Family Commitment, Admiration and Recreational Companionship. As far as the LB's, Selfish Demands and Angry Outbursts are usually what send her over.

Do you have the book Lovebusters? I would order it.

Until then listen to this Anger Mgmt 101

You need to learn to fill her EN. Every time you commit a lovebuster it removes all the deposits you may have completed with filling her EN.

I would encourage you to add more of a boundary with your responses...

something like...

"Till you are ready....but just so you know I have no intention of remaining for long in a loveless marriage just "for the kids". TOGETHER...we are going to fix this thing and make it better than ever eventually"

I think it was BobPure years ago on MB that had an example along the lines of....

Your wayward spouse borrowed your car and totaled it. Now they just want to bump it out and hand it back to you and expect you to be happy with it. It'll never drive right again but it was an older model crappy car anyway so why should they bother fixing it. Instead...just compensation suggests/mandates that they make amends and without even asking for it get you the best brand new model car that they can.

---I don't remember the whole analogy.



As far as separated couples that reconciled...I always suggest reading "MyWifeIlove"'s threads. His wife left and he even went into Plan B for a short while only to recharge his self-esteem and then with Steve's encouragement he went back into Plan A. He was able to become his wife's confidant WHILE she was living with OM (as I recall) and he was able to slowly extricate her from the affair and back home.

Here's his first thread.. MWIL = Another One ..the links in his signature no longer appear to work so you'll just have to follow along to his 4 major threads by clicking his name and clicking "view posts" to see all his posts. (*hint - in the upper right hand corner when viewing a list of someone's posts you can click "Topics created" and see a list of any and all threads a poster has started. This is a shortcut to most posters stories however occasionally someone else starts a thread about a poster and THAT becomes their thread so this shortcut isn't fullproof)

Another poster's WW had moved out and in with OM in another state and she called her husband to come "rescue" her. The BH had to sneak her out of the house in the middle of the night. The OM (who was a philandering physician) tried to hire a undercover detective to kill the BH and to this day I believe OM remains in jail. [I don't believe this full story/thread unfolded on MB as it was too touchy to be posted in public as it involved a criminal investigation and criminal trial]

Mr. Wondering

I wanted to add...

About her not being attracted to you or having feelings for you right now...


That is to be expected. Don't let it hurt you. She had to rationalize and justify a lot to do what she's done.

That being said....avoid TALKING about it and/or trying to educate her about it.

Put it this way....when you were dating did you act all insecure and TALK endlessly about how she felt about you. Did you try to beg her into liking you OR did you date her and confidently woo her???

Perhaps a better response to "how long can you wait" might be something like.... "oh honey, I don't think I'll make you wait that long".

Trust me...YOU are the deal. No one will ever put up with what she's just done to you the rest of her life. She will NEVER be loved that much again. 2nd ...3rd husband's they don't put up with infidelity. She is the wife of your youth. Your first and hopefully only wife and YOU are the husband of her youth. Your shared history she'll never have with anyone else. Be confident and harken back to the days you were dating her and how you went about attracting her in the first place.

Get your swagger back because regardless of what happens...YOU will make it. (it's her that has the problem because without you...she's heading for a life of unhappiness).

Mr. Wondering

That's right R. Think back to when u were in HS. girls were attracted to the confident guys not the ones who stalked them or the ones too timid to go after them. Your WW will NEVER have anyone like you ever again. Never ever. Your are the father of her children. Her mate. Some POSOM could never hope to be your equal. Give her time too. Feelings follow action. You act and she'll start to feel. And later on she will be thanking you for saving her. And you are one bad azz Marine, no? Thank you for your service upon which our freedom is predicated amigo. You WILL make it thru this. We all do. You made it thru your bootcamp and you'll make it thru this. Believe.

So is it completely normal for ger to have a "secret" FB account where she is telling the handful of friends she has left, that she's getting a divorce?

Yes, she is in pity party mode.

Verify with the court what the procedure is. If you have been served but did not respond, a default can trigger where your failure to respond is good enough. Proof of service may be enough so check.

Yes...

These are the last of her friends and she has to keep them on the path of buying her rationalizations and justifications. She fears flip-flopping on all the stuff she's told them and as you hang around and make in-roads with her (hopefully) she'll distance herself from them too out of fear of eating crow. Then...she'll tell them she's stuck and is just going to stay with you "for the kids".


On the other hand...she COULD file on you tomorrow.

Some things are a crap shoot with waywards....but if the affair is really over and she's talking to you (letting you meet some of her needs) you've got a better shot at turning this around than many others.


I'd play the stall game with her. If she brings up separation and/or divorce tell her "NO". In withdrawal...she'll say a lot but won't follow through on much of anything. If she persists with separation/divorce...ask her to wait until the end of summer. That YOU will wait until then as long as she doesn't have contact with OM nor any other OM's. Suggest that TOGETHER you try to give your child one last summer to remember. If this is going to be your last year together...let's go out with a bang.

If she takes the bait...she'll insist in there not to have any expectations. Remember...in her mind...it's over...there is NO WAY she can love you again. So she may not want to do this if she thinks it'll just lead you on and hurt you more (presuming deep down she cares at all). So if she wants to talk about KNOWING she can never love you again so why bother just tell her that if by the end of 2012 if she feels the same way...you'll give her an amicable divorce (as long as she maintains "no contact" with OM and doesn't date anyone else). You just request she have an open mind as being in love again with the father of her children is obviously the best case scenario...."wouldn't you agree"???.


DELAY...Meet needs...monitor for contact...meet needs and hope a light bulb goes off.

Mr. W

Once again, she won't stop talking about divorce...it's getting extremely discouraging. I used your advise Mr. W. and told her that if the divorce was imminent, then she didn't need to bring it up everyday, and to wait till the end of the year so our children could enjoy one last year of holidays as a complete family because they deserve that.

She's going to try to box you into a corner of having an "amicable" or "friendly" divorce.

Do not discuss it with her. Instead, drive a few ideas home:

1. You discuss marriage, Your attorney discusses divorce.
2. You will not be using a mediator to save money.
3. You will not be friends after divorce.

The past couple days have been rather interesting. The usual ups and downs, as to be expected. But one night while she was showering, I happened to get into her phone and stumble across a conversation with her best friend, and one thing caught my eye...she was telling her best friend about how she was going to try to get on welfare just to get away from me. Now I don't believe that for one second, it was just more the fact that her best friend was kind of on board with it. I did use your advise Lexxxy, about not discussing divorce with her period. Some things seems to be getting better, and others worse at the same time.

Is she still pushing the D?

Did you sign the legal separation papers?

How's your Plan A coming along? Carrot and Stick of Plan A

What are her top needs?

I believe she is still silently pushing the D, since I told her that I will not talk any kind of details about divorce. I have not signed any legal separation paperwork. As far as Plan A, the carrot part is going well, the stick part not so much, since she blames me for losing a lot of good friends, etc. She refuses to do the EN questionaire, although I would guess them to be Conversation, Domestic Support, Admiration, Family Commitment, and Recreational Companionship.

So her affair was exposed, correct?

Are you verifying NC with OM?

Good until those papers are in hand you can fight for your M.

Her pipe dream about welfare is a joke.

So what are you doing to meet those EN?
What are you doing to make you the best H?

The stick part is working well--you just aren't seeing it because of her anger. The stick is not meant to be kind to the wayward anyway.