I took MB's advice and snooped, and found my wife's been having the affair that I'd suspected for 18 months. Over that time my wife has been spending more and more time away from me and our 10-12yo son and 5-7yo daughter: one night per week over the weekend grew to two, stabilised at four, and is now at six nights a week - and the night she spends at home is very unhappy and very unsettling, even if we don't fight. 1) How do I now reveal my knowledge?

She just found a new job, after a 5-month search: 2) is the "up sticks and move house" approach still viable?

They're now arguing: he's accusing her of flirtatious behaviour and acting like a single woman (the cheek of him! And what did he expect from an adulteress who's cheating with him - fidelity & honesty?!); and she's accusing him over other women's pictures "taken since we started seeing each other" and of explicit conversations he has with his ex-girlfriend. 3) What bearing does/should that have over my approach?

Thanks & best wishes,
Igiiroko

I would think that spending six nights a week out of the house would be enough. Where does she say she is?

Welcome I would have your thread moved to the SAA forum.

You need to expose her affair. Read this. Exposure 101

Expose loud and proud. Kill this affair. Does OM have a facebook? If so go to it and copy all his contacts and save them.

You're in Plan A Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Is her OM married?

Also read this.
Thread to Help Newly Betrayed Spouses

"How do I now reveal my knowledge? "

Are you joking? Your wife has abandoned you to shack up with her OM and your greatest concern is how to tell her something she already knows? This must be a joke...

BrainHurts, CWMI, MelodyLane & all,
Thanks for your responses. I am extremely moved and grateful. I've been extremely stressed at work for the past month or two, and a bit unwell this past week and on medication -- and therefore somewhat untrusting as to my judgement, and I want to get this right.

From what I've read here, I'm guessing BS=betrayed spouse, WS=wandering spouse, FB=Facebook, OM=other man.

I don't have a Facebook account, but my wife practically lives on Facebook. In fact, the parental-control software picked up the screenshots of her argument with OM, of their arguing etc, and of her email writing to him "these pictures were taken since we started seeing each other" -- words that cut at me like a saw. (My wife was the most anti-straying, anti-adultery person I had and have ever met, screaming with rage even when reading/hearing of some celebrity story of adultery etc.)

Possibly to put me off the scent, years ago she told me OM "kind of" lives with his girlfriend and that OM and Gf had recently had a baby. I don't know status of OM/Gf relationship, but long ago I told my wife that OM's relationship stood no chance the way my wife and OM were carrying on together. She accused me of being "obsessed" with the guy and wrongly accusing her.

On FB, OM's Relationship status/icon reads "it's complicated"; and my wife does not have a Relationship status/icon showing at all.

She NEVER wants to talk "about us" -- EVER.

If our marriage does not survive this, I want to have full custody of our 7yo daughter. The 12yo son is my step-son -- wife's from a previous marriage that broke up when boy was under 2yo. The plan that I want to put together STARTS with exposure, but must also be mindful of my absolute intention to keep my daughter with me.

Thanks again. Any further guidance/pointers will help.

Best wishes,
igiiroko

Was your wife's divorce final before you started dating her?

EXCELLENT question, NeverGuessed. I have looked back in time and am sure that it wasn't. I'm interested in why you ask, but am happy to provide some context first.

When we met 10 years ago she simply told me she was "divorced". I was naive, besotted and ignorant -- and knew nothing of decree nisi/absolute etc. At some point later (3mos? 6mos?) she said something about "divorce papers coming through", and I actually said to her "you mean all this time I've actually been with another man's woman?!" And she replied along the lines of "no more than I've been with another woman's man". (I'd broken up with my former girlfriend, but subsequently given her hope of reunion. But when I met the one who became my wife, I immediately completed the break with the former girlfriend. There was no overlap, but my wife castigated me for having "strung along" the other girl. I held and hold my hands up: I should've done better. But I think my situation was not like hers.)

Strikingly though, my wife's behaviour now mirrors her behaviour when we met. Except back then she did not live with her ex-husband. She, ex and their baby son lived with wife's mother -- and when relationship ended, he moved out (and out of town). And she never moved in with me, or spent more than a Sat night or Sun night with me until we married three years later...

So, why do you ask, and how does my answer help? Many thanks.

(First priorities: my daughter and my sanity. Second priority: my marriage. Third priority: my step-son. I love my wife, but swing between deep hurt, white-hot rage, and withering sadness. You don't know me, so I don't need to lie/hide: I have never been unfaithful to her, before or since marriage.)

Please go and read the thread in my signature about exposure and expose the affair, igiiroko. You should get a copy of all your wife's and her OM's facebook friends and expose to them.

I think this might be too far gone because you have been so complacent. It is very hard to save a marriage when you enable the affair. Can I ask why you have been so complacent about her affair? Do you understand that complacence reflects a lack of caring? It looks to your wife like you just don't care very much that she cats around like an alley cat in heat.

Q: So, why do you ask, and how does my answer help?

A: Strikingly though, my wife's behaviour now mirrors her behaviour when we met.

You know the answer, yet you ask the question? My friend, barring some discontinuity, the best predictor of one's future behavior is one's past behavior. She's auditioning your replacement in the same manner you were selected as her previous husband's replacement.

Your marriage started as an extra-marital excursion on her part (We here call what you have/had an "affairage".), and her current actions will likely lead her down the same illicit path.

"Auditioning": ouch. The ouch of the "truth hurts" kind...

"Complacent"? Harsh, maybe..:

In the interests of piece, and because I thought it would meet her "emotional need" to be able to let her hair down, let off some steam and "get away from it all a bit", I indulged her goings and comings. As I said, it started with Sat nights, when she'd arrive 3am, 4am Sun morning: even then we rowed. Then because we rowed over her drink-driving, she decided she'd be hanging at her friends' overnight instead of driving -- and thus arriving midday Sun etc. Then late Sun afternoon. By this time we were having serious fights, sometimes in front of children, and all the time she protested her innocence. ("If you don't like it, effing divorce me, and see who gets the kids!!!") Then absences extended to Mon after work -- i.e. she'd stay wherever overnight, twice, and go to the office, and only arrive back after work and picking up the kids from school etc. Then that, plus leaving on Tue and/or Thu. And of course by this time, things were explosive...

I did care, I did challenge, we'd agree a compromise, then she'd break it, then we'd fight -- and all along, she knew that only my fear of losing my daughter to her under the UK's primitive and ignorant laws kept me from moving significantly -- but she also swore blind on her kids that she wasn't seeing anyone. Now, as of two weeks ago, I have discovered the truth...

My friend, there is nothing "loving" about enabling a spouse in self destructive behavior. Keeping the peace is an excuse for being a conflict avoider. Your conflict avoidance has created anything BUT peace in your marriage. Your marriage is all but destroyed at this point because of conflict avoidance and enabling. A loving spouse does not help his spouse destroy her marriage and destroy her life.

As far as her "swearing there was no one else" it was obvious there was someone else all along. When a spouse stays out all night long you know what is going on. You just chose to ignore it.

Honestly, I see very little hope in this situation. Your wife has been enabled for such a long time that her alley cat ways are a way of life. The best thing you could do for you and your daughter would be to file for divorce on grounds of abandonment and expose her affair wide and far. Your wife is so destructive that you need to obtain legal protection for yourself.

And the reason this seems "harsh" to you is because you have not faced the truth in a very long time. I am sure hearing this is a shock to you. But you desperately need a wake up call, Sir.

"If you don't like it, effing divorce me, and see who gets the kids!!!"

Is there any chance you can acquire and secretly employ a voice-activated recorder? It would possibly be useful in the future to have her on record as saying, in effect, "I'm planning on [censored] other men, and will blackmail you with our children's custody to ensure your acquiescence!"

Dude, there is no marriage left for you to save. Get out while you still have the wa within you to begin anew.

I find it hard to disagree with you, MelodyLane. I have been a monumental idiot.

Now I want to move things along. And, idiot that I am, I can't make up my mind which is better: Confront then Expose, or Expose then Confront?

(All with daughter's custody as context.)

Expose then confront.

Thanks, NeverGuessed.

For voice-recording, I can use an app on my iPhone, I suppose...

The most effective tool thus far has been the Windows-based Family Cyber Alert, which has a keylogger, a screengrabber, and loads of other features. FCA gave me screenshots of WS's jealous argument with OM, and of her writing accusing e-mail to him about some picture of/with some other woman: "this was taken since we started seeing each other". Is the latter proof enough? It may have to be, because it is likely WS will stop using the home laptop soon.

For perhaps the past six months or more, her schedule has been that she spends maybe only Monday night and sometimes a Wednesday night at "home". (I'm sensitive to calling this "home" for her now.) Three factors will change that imminently: 1) her new job starts Mon 14 May; 2) she gets a new laptop and 'phone from work, starting 14 May; and 3) her 20-month extended driving bans (for drink-driving, twice) expire 10 June.

So I'll see what surveillance opportunities emerge from this changing situation. I had been hoping for more captures on the home laptop, but this new job of hers, with its new laptop, may not help. (It's a Mac though, which she's hated in the past -- so she might stick to the home laptop for her Facebook needs for a short time...)

Btw, what is "wa"?

PS: I NEED to stop this woman posting images of my daughter onto Facebook. More than that, I NEED tips on how to do the Facebook exposure thing...

Facebook exposure info is here in this thread.
Exposure 101

Thanks, BrainHurts.

My brain hurts, too. So much so that I've missed out probably the/a most significant factor in what might be perceived as my inertia in this: the 12yo is my step-son, and by default English courts rule to NOT separate siblings -- and so the complexity I face is securing custody of my 7yo daughter while relinquishing custody of my 12yo step-son.

The ideal would be for his biological father in Australia to send for the boy. Convincing him to do so is the hard part, as he has only shown interest in the past year, when 12yo spent three weeks on holiday from England to Australia in summer 2011.

(I did speak to biological father recently, when I REFUSED to let 12yo go on holiday to Ibiza (of all places!) with wife's friend and friend's 14yo son, both (yes, both!) of whom are cannabis-smokers. BF was absolutely on my side, not that it made any difference.)

It sounds like you have even more of reason to expose her affair.

So when will you be exposing?

Thanks again, BrainHurts. You ask when I will be exposing. I've only just gone thru the Exposure 101 course material (grim smile :-), and I need to gather lots of contact information and think through the exposure audience:

1. Parents, close family & friends: Only my wife's mum (i.e. my MIL) really counts as family. She's a lovely woman (arguably) undeserving of her daughter, and was last year diagnosed with heart problems and pencilled in for heart-bypass surgery. MIL battled with WS since WS started breaking out of home at 14, and knows all about WS's drink, smoking and partying excesses. Don't know how much of a shock this'd (adultery etc) would be. I have details for WS's childhood friends.

2. Parents of AP: No idea how to get to those. AP's a DJ, supposedly with a girlfriend, but I know to not believe what my wife says. Any tips gratefully received re getting at parents of AP and/or at the other WS.

3. Workplace: Hmmm. Wife just got new job, actually starts tomorrow, i.e. Mon 14 May! Hmmm...???

4. Facebook: Suppose I need to get myself a Facebook account, which I've resisted on various grounds (I work in cyber-security/IT risk management). The other thing is this is directed at the AP's circle. Frankly, knowing the type of people these are, I wouldn't be surprised if this made zero impression. Turning this point on its head: is this tactic known to be effective? (Btw, in the argument and counter-accusations between my WS and her OM/AP, AP backed down, started snivelling "I need you" to my wife, and when she continued to rebuff him in full-veined Anglo-Saxon four-lettery, he declared "I'm going to call your home number and talk to you!" -- and he did! I checked Received Calls on my home line, and the toe-rag actually did call my house!! Begging! After HE'd had the gall to accuse my wife of dishonesty and flirting etc!! Like I said, was he expecting honesty from someone cheating with him? He's 50yo (and she's 40yo)... :-)

Thanks again. Do you know what NeverGuessed meant by "wa", above?