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#2627505 05/19/12 04:24 PM
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A has been over for years, NC been estabished for years, FWW has made tons of changes, life has gone on. Life has been really good, with intermittent problems, always stemming from my triggering and then becoming very insecure, looking under every rock. Always ending in my wife feeling as if none of the changes that she has made have worked, and that nothing will ever change. I can see why she feels this way, I know that in my worst triggering and suspicious bx, I drive her backward.
She has recently gotten a job as a virtual office assistant whcih requires her to travel one weekend a month. Ok, I thought I could handle it. The first day on her first trip her phone ran out of battery and she had no way to charge it. So, for 10 hours she was unbable to answer the phone or text me. I was in hell! She explained every detail of the trip with proof for everything, but it has sent me into a tailspin and I feel like I'm back in the aftermath of the A 8 years ago.
Since then, I have been a wreck. She feels hopeless that our marriage will ever really be better. I see her point, and I see mine.
Please, someone help me shed some light on this. I'm not a newbie, I have fought the good fight, but I'm very tired and need my confidence back and a strong relationship with my wife.


Dday 8 years ago... rebuilt life and marriage, moved away to new place, still struggling intermittently with triggering and getting sucked back into old nightmares.
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Originally Posted By: longroadback82
Since then, I have been a wreck. She feels hopeless that our marriage will ever really be better. I see her point, and I see mine.


Your marriage will be better when she stops doing things to trigger you. There is a REASON you are insecure and jealous. Jealousy is a normal reaction to a threat to marriage. For example, if I am hit by a car while playing chicken, I will always feel "insecure" playing chicken because I know the risks. The solution is not to go to counseling for years to try and get rid of my insecurity about playing in the road, but to get the hell out of the road.

You are triggered because you and your wife continue to take unncessary risks with your marriage. You can see that you are triggered by spending the night apart. This is becuase you sense that spending the night apart is an INVITATION TO AN AFFAIR. Solution: don't spend the night apart!

Your insecurity will go away once you affair proof your marriage. Implementing extraordinary precautions to prevent another affair is STEP ONE in recovering from an affair. That is where I would begin.

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She has recently gotten a job as a virtual office assistant whcih requires her to travel one weekend a month.


A job is supposed to complement your marriage, not the other way around. This job is horrible for your marriage and should either be ended or you should go on the trip with her.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Quote:
Please, someone help me shed some light on this.
It's pretty clear that you are being triggered by her out of town travel. The simple solution is for her to stop travelling out of town.

You also appear to be triggered by other events that you did not go into detail about. Those triggers are probably preventable, but we'd have to hear more about them to address them.

Did your wife give you all the details you required after her affair? Do you bring up the affair when you are triggered?


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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I guess after 8 years of recovery I expected to be beyond where I am right now. We do spend a lot of time together, she has made lots of changes and we have made significant progress. I have brought up the affair far too often when I trigger. I haven't done it in a while, but I have used my anger and hurt to take liberties in lashing out when I should not have. I have hurt my wife and she is tired... I am tired. I wish I could go back and do things different. None of this changes the fact that this new job is really messing me up with her travel that she has to do once a month. I feel really guilty, given the circumstances, of bringing it up to her about it messing me up so badly. I know how that sounds, but I know how it feels on my end of things.


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Originally Posted By: longroadback82
I guess after 8 years of recovery I expected to be beyond where I am right now. We do spend a lot of time together, she has made lots of changes and we have made significant progress. I have brought up the affair far too often when I trigger. I haven't done it in a while, but I have used my anger and hurt to take liberties in lashing out when I should not have. I have hurt my wife and she is tired... I am tired. I wish I could go back and do things different. None of this changes the fact that this new job is really messing me up with her travel that she has to do once a month. I feel really guilty, given the circumstances, of bringing it up to her about it messing me up so badly. I know how that sounds, but I know how it feels on my end of things.



She needs to quit her traveling job. Is she willing do this to save your Marriage?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I see that the other posters on this thread have asked about your FWW quitting the new job that requires travel. However, you stated in your original post that your FWW has made "tons of changes" and "life has been really good." You also mention there have been "intermittent problems always stemming from my triggering." Although, as one poster mentioned, those problems weren't presented in detail, I am curious as to why, if your FWW has made these "changes" and you do not feel the problems lie with her, it would be necessary for her to quit this job. I know there will be multiple issues taken with my statement here, but it is a valid question. If there has been no problems or reasons to doubt until now, when does trust come back into the picture in order to help this marriage grow and prosper? Why the immediate "quit the job" if things have gone well on her end and she has tried to prove herself?

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Originally Posted By: WorkingHard4
I see that the other posters on this thread have asked about your FWW quitting the new job that requires travel. However, you stated in your original post that your FWW has made "tons of changes" and "life has been really good." You also mention there have been "intermittent problems always stemming from my triggering." Although, as one poster mentioned, those problems weren't presented in detail, I am curious as to why, if your FWW has made these "changes" and you do not feel the problems lie with her, it would be necessary for her to quit this job. I know there will be multiple issues taken with my statement here, but it is a valid question. If there has been no problems or reasons to doubt until now, when does trust come back into the picture in order to help this marriage grow and prosper? Why the immediate "quit the job" if things have gone well on her end and she has tried to prove herself?


Well, she hasn't "proved herself" if she took a traveling job. That is risky behavior that needs to end. That is like saying I can be "trusted" to go drunk driving. The problems DO lie with the FWW because she is not taking extraordinary precautions to prevent another affair. The problem in this marriage is that it HAS not been affair proofed, which is the first step towards recovery.

The valid question is why in the world would she subject her husband to such risks by taking a traveling job? Why play chicken with her marriage? Is she really that ignorant of the risks? If so, that is pretty scary. Traveling jobs are an invitation to affairs and here she takes a traveling job? hmmmmmmmm think

People are jealous for a reason and it sounds to me like his concerns are very valid if his FWW doesn't strive to protect her spouse.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Working4hard, it sounds like you are longroadback82's wife. The fact that you signed up just to defend his wife's risky behavior makes it pretty obvious you are his wife. That is pretty deceitful. crazy


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I'm lying in bed with my wife right now and whoever this Working4hard is, it's not my wife. Like I stated earlier I see both sides to this thing. My wife has made tons of changes, and has not made any behavior that would indicate anything like before for about 6 years. However, I have also have dumped much wrath on her verbally for years and unforgiveness. I know it was wrong and I haven't helped nurture my relatioship with her.
But, I don't like the job, but she wants to make it work.


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Originally Posted By: longroadback82
I'm lying in bed with my wife right now and whoever this Working4hard is, it's not my wife. Like I stated earlier I see both sides to this thing. My wife has made tons of changes, and has not made any behavior that would indicate anything like before for about 6 years. However, I have also have dumped much wrath on her verbally for years and unforgiveness. I know it was wrong and I haven't helped nurture my relatioship with her.
But, I don't like the job, but she wants to make it work.


longroadback, how about we email the moderators and ask them to check the ISP to see if it is your wife? Just hit "notify" at the bottom of the post and they can check for you.

While it not appropriate to "forgive," it is also not appropriate to abuse her verbally. But that is a separate issue from the traveling job. The traveling job is a huge trigger for you for a good reason: it is an invitation to an affair. People are triggered when they know they are in danger. You are in danger. If you are interested in affair proofing your marriage, she will either leave that job or take you with you.

Your wife is endangering your marriage with her traveling job. I just bumped a thread that addresses traveling jobs.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: longroadback82
But, I don't like the job, but she wants to make it work.


She wants to make the marriage work? Or she wants to make the job work at your expense? Even though she knows it upsets you?

You have a much bigger problem than just the fact that your wife takes foolish risks with your marriage. It is that you have never learned to use the policy of joint agreement. In your marriage, you make decisions using a win/lose strategy. In this instance, you lose and she wins. And when you object you are accused of being the bad guy. ["insecure" "jealous" and other nonsense - you are neither.] Your reaction is a sane, rational response to a threat in marriage.

In a recovered marriage, they negotiate win/win decisions where neither spouse wins at the other's expense. They NEVER negotiate decisions that are bad for the marriage, such as traveling jobs. Anything that is bad for the marriage is off the table, in other words.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I know Melodylane bumped this thread for you but I know some people don't see it unless it's on their own thread.

So here you go and listen to the clips.
Traveling Jobs


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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longroadback82, in response to your request we did check the IP addresses of yourself and WorkingHard4 and they are the same.


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Originally Posted By: longroadback82
I'm lying in bed with my wife right now and whoever this Working4hard is, it's not my wife. Like I stated earlier I see both sides to this thing. My wife has made tons of changes, and has not made any behavior that would indicate anything like before for about 6 years. However, I have also have dumped much wrath on her verbally for years and unforgiveness. I know it was wrong and I haven't helped nurture my relatioship with her.
But, I don't like the job, but she wants to make it work.


Originally Posted By: MBsurvivor
longroadback82, in response to your request we did check the IP addresses of yourself and WorkingHard4 and they are the same.


So not cool when you lie to people whom are trying to help you.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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BH, I suspect he really didn't know! She posted at 9:22 and he said she was in bed with him at 10. I think he was being deceived.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
BH, I suspect he really didn't know! She posted at 9:22 and he said she was in bed with him at 10. I think he was being deceived.


Oh dang. Then she should start her own thread??


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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And make more than the "TONS OF CHANGES"


Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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ML... your BS detector is out of this world. How needs a poly? Just have your WS post to her a few times.


Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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Originally Posted By: LuvsDavid
ML... your BS detector is out of this world. How needs a poly? Just have your WS post to her a few times.


You know the old saying, it takes one to know one! grin This one was pretty obvious, though. She signs up for the sole purpose of defending the FWW? crazy

I hope they do come back, though. It sounds like they could greatly benefit from this program.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: LuvsDavid
ML... your BS detector is out of this world. How needs a poly? Just have your WS post to her a few times.


You know the old saying, it takes one to know one! grin This one was pretty obvious, though. She signs up for the sole purpose of defending the FWW? crazy

I hope they do come back, though. It sounds like they could greatly benefit from this program.


Double that, girlfriend. laugh

I hope they both come back also.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: WorkingHard4
I see that the other posters on this thread have asked about your FWW quitting the new job that requires travel. However, you stated in your original post that your FWW has made "tons of changes" and "life has been really good." You also mention there have been "intermittent problems always stemming from my triggering." Although, as one poster mentioned, those problems weren't presented in detail, I am curious as to why, if your FWW has made these "changes" and you do not feel the problems lie with her, it would be necessary for her to quit this job. I know there will be multiple issues taken with my statement here, but it is a valid question. If there has been no problems or reasons to doubt until now, when does trust come back into the picture in order to help this marriage grow and prosper? Why the immediate "quit the job" if things have gone well on her end and she has tried to prove herself?


Working,

Since you are clearly reading this thread, let me try and answer your question. During the time of the A and subsequent work to recover, you do not make TEMPORARY changes to your behavior in protecting your marriage from future A's. These are not changes to be made to protect your marriage and rebuild trust, only to go back to the way things were before the A once you feel the trust is rebuilt. These are changes that frankly, should be made from the day you got married. However, since most of us are here because we did not have two spouses protecting the marriage using all of these principles and boundaries, once we are aware of them following the A, they must go in place FOR LIFE.

So the precaution to protect marriage by not traveling with work is FOR LIFE. Not 'until I feel like sufficient time has passed and H should trust me again...'

I assume that much of your BH's lack of confidence in your marital recovery stems from you not seeing this fact and thinking that there should be a time you can go back to the way things were.

Radical Honesty FOR LIFE. Good boundaries among opposite sex FOR LIFE. EP's FOR LIFE. Working to meet your UA time and fill each others LB FOR LIFE.

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And ML, once again I am humbled in your presence. You are a gifted advisor my friend, with a seemingly psychic ability to decipher these messages and get to the root of things. A little unnerving in instances such as these...

But you are right, quite obvious once pointed out.

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