You are developing feelings for him. That happens as a result of emotional needs being met. That's what emotional needs are: things that make you feel great when you receive them, and frustrated when you don't.

I asked if you had read the Basic Concepts on this site, and I didn't see your answer. Marriage Builders is an education site. Please take the time to get educated on the basic concepts (the link is at the top of the page) so we can all be on the same page while we are talking and trying to help you.

We know you have a crush on him. We got that several posts up.

Would you like help to end the crush on this man and have a permanent crush on your husband? Marriage Builders can teach you how to do that.

Do you see how your story is changing? Earlier you said:


Now you are saying he does avoid you?

Either your story is changing because you are deceiving yourself (which is a problem we all struggle with, to some extent!), or this man is very unstable and isn't quite sure what he is going to do.

Please read the Basic Concepts, so you can learned how Dr. Harley learned to save marriages that are exactly like this. Dr. Harley's plan has made marriages just like yours into great marriages. Please read the Basic Concepts and you will understand how the plan works.

Marriage Builders builds marriages by building compatibility. The two of you become a great match when you follow this plan.

SoConfused, would you mind taking a couple of minutes to listen to this:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2162

You're right. These two statements are inconsistent. I think initially we found ourselves going out of our way to be around each other. But when we see each other now, we try to keep some distance from one another.

I've read His Needs, Her Needs at the suggestion of our therapist. My husband has read it too. We've sat down and talked about the chapters together.

Here is Dr. Harley's answer to this. Would you be willing to take a listen?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2081
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2082

Okay, then you are somewhat familiar with how feelings are created and destroyed. With this other man you have done the things that develop feelings. This is the beginnings of a full blown addiction to those feelings. This is how these things begin.

You are developing those feelings because he met your emotional needs. In Dr. Harley's plan you would change the circumstances so that he cannot meet your emotional needs again, and work with your husband to build a fulfilling marriage where you meet each other's needs.

Of course, that plan can't work if you leave out vital parts of it. If the other man is still in your life, his deposits into your Love Bank will render your husband's deposits nil.

You and your husband can build a permanent crush for each other. But you can't do that if you construct a situation where he has to compete against someone else who is also getting the chance to build a crush with you.

You skimped a little bit on the Honesty and Openness emotional need, didn't you?

And the policy of radical honesty?

Thanks, markos. You've given me a lot to think about. I appreciate it.

I can't get these to work for some reason. I'll try again later at home. Thanks.

Welcome to MB ... You should stay well away form this OM. I suggest you get the book "FALL IN LOVE STAY IN LOVE" and work it with your hubby ... print out 2x of each of the questionairs on this site and fill them out and exchange them with your hubby ... this will helplp you identify what your EN's are and the book i suggested will get you off on the right track to learn to meet those needs.

How much UA time do you get with your hubby? Dr.Harley recommends 15hrs a week of undivided attention meeting the top needs of Intimate conversation, affection, sexual fulfillment, and recreational companionship WITHOUT kids and friends or external family.

Those 4 needs should be met best by your spouse. IF anyone else meets ANY of those needs for you better than your hubby ... you WILL fall in love with them. Even if you don't want to ... Which is why you need to put boundries in place to prevent love bank deposits of the intimate nature from outside sources.

I am SURE your hubby probably feels like something is wrong in your marriage too .. TELL him the TRUTH. Let him know that you are having feelings for another man and that you want to work on your marriage so that they will go away.

MNG

edit: adding link to the questionaires. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4500_resource.html

Print out the LBQ and the ENQ and the PHQ. (lovebusters questionair, Emotional needs qustionair and the personal history questionair)

OK, are you willing to cut ALL contact with this person and to share any e-mails or other communications you've had with your husband?

The thing is, just as you get to judge the nature of your relationship. I.E. you judge what your husband is doing wrong and how it impacts you. Ultimately, it's not you who can say or not say it's an emotional affair, it's your husband.

Turn the tables. If your husband had a close female friend and he communicated with her more than with you, you would be suspicious and likely see that communication as a threat to your marriage.

You are not objective, so you cannot see what others who have seen this hundreds if not thousands of times have seen.

If you cannot communicate with your husband, but communicate so freely with this person, at the very least, the relationship is a threat to your marriage.

You have to find a way to communicate with your husband.

If you are not freely communicating with your husband, you are not doing all you can do to have the type of marriage Dr Harley says you can have.

You are not being radically honest with your husband if you are unwilling or unable to communicate how you feel and think as well as listen to how he feels and thinks regarding the marriage.

Now that's not all of the plan. But if you are not communicating fully, honestly and effectively, you will have a hard time with the rest of the plan.

So what do you have to do to become 100% open and honest with your husband? He cannot make you not talk. He can't make you talk either. So what steps do you have to take so that your husband knows exactly what you are feeling and what exactly you would like to see changed, with concrete examples.

If you don't do that, then you are setting yourself, your husband and your marriage up for failure.

I think folks here have experience and perspective. You are too close and likely biased, so it's unlikely you would see things the same way.
OK, so what you are telling us is things CAN be great with your husband. It's likely you both were doing many of the things Dr Harley says will build and maintain romantic love.

However, as time has gone on, it's likely you both did fewer and fewer of those things. Add to that the destructive nature of Love Busters, things folks do to destroy romantic love and you end up where you are today.

The thing folks are trying to tell you is you are where you are today, not because you married the wrong person. You ended up where you are because you were not doing the right things.

Changing spouses, but doing the same things will not fix the problem.

Folks here are offering to teach you how to do the right things.

Are you willing to learn, or do you want to continue blaming everyone and everything outside yourself?

You don't know. But so far, it sounds like you've not been doing the right things to build a great marriage. It's still possible. It's also possible to get started with only you doing the right things.

Eventually he has to stop doing the wrong things and start doing the right things. But why not start yourself?

What do you have to lose? If you figure it out, and he doesn't, you can say you did everything possible and he still didn't step up to the plate. You will be so much better prepared should that day come. You will also know how to better identify a potential spouse who is prepared to be a good marriage partner.

If he steps up and gets with the program, after you've lived it out before him and convinced him of the benefits, you have a great marriage.

The worst scenario is to simply give up without trying the program.

You are neither trained, nor do you learn how to identify someone is a quality potential spouse.

Either you want to do the program or not.

If you want to do it, you'll find many here who will cheer you on.

If you just want to abandon your husband and forsake your vows, it's unlikely you'll find many who will cheer on that game plan.

soconfused414

I am VERY new here, I am new here because my WW was where you are at now 1.5 years ago. I fully am aware of where it goes. she was freiends with another man too, and now a year and a half later we are in the middle of a [censored] storm caused by her affair with her "freind".

Please listen to the great advice everyone is offering and stop all contact with the OM right away!

I see it clearer than you do right now, It's like watching someone who is ready to do heroin for the first time while they look at you and say "don't worry, it won't effect me, I'm in control"

SC414,

LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN to what these people are telling you. I also had a "friend" who I worked with. In fact we worked together for an entire year with little to no flirting or boundary crossing.

I did not just wake up one morning and say, you know I think I want to start an A with OM. I felt safe and in control as well. To the fact that if you would have asked me a year ago if I would every have an A, I would have bet my house and my life that I would not have.

I never like to assume but I am going to step out here and say that if you saw this OM more than just a couple times a year, you would probably be in an EA if not a PA right now.

You need to focus your energy on working with the man you married for better or worse and work on making it better. Believe me, you do not want to be in my shoes. You do not want to make the biggest mistake of your life to realize what you do have.

Learn how to get romantic with your H again. If his health does not allow you to have sex, find another way to show affection to each other.

I wish that I would have found this site when I was in your position so I could have stopped myself from making a horrible mistake.

Of course it isn't. You're keeping secrets from your husband. No therapy can help any marriage as long as one spouse keeps secrets from the other.

You're justifying and making excuses, and probably doing a little bit of history-rewriting.

There is no "we should never have gotten married in the first place." You're married. It's a done deal. It can work if you put effort into it. It will fail if you sit on the side lines and moan "I'm not sure we should have ever gotten married in the first place."

There is no such thing as a "good match" or a "bad match." You make yourself match. Unless, of course, you're just looking for an easy way out.

Guess what ... Your "friend" isn't a "good match" either. Neither will any other guy you ever meet ever be. Good matches are created, not destined.

Here are some good reads for you.
Wayward Fog Disassembled and Decoded
A Recovery Guide for Wayward Wive's