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I was going to try to come on as a different user but it is hard to work through stuff without being O&H with you guys. It is impossible to help someone who isn't honest. It is a complete waste of my VALUABLE time too.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[
H says I need to face how I felt during the affair so that I can understand how H feels. "Was I happy when I woke up next to the man?" If yes, then I should understand how H cannot get over the fact that I chose another man over him. I understand that I was out of control obsessed during the affair. H says that then he can never believe that I am "all his" ever again so H has lost the most important thing in our relationship (not sure what EN that is). Its real important to stop talking about the affair. Don't write your story. That will only trigger him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Do you know what scares me about abused women? They are so out of touch with reality that it is frightening. They live in such a bubble of fear that they lose their ability to reason. In this case, because you were able to prevent your husband from beating you by calling the police, you imagine he has "changed." When in reality all that changed is that he couldn't beat you up because the police was there. He didn't change, he just didn't want to go to jail. The next scary thing is that you tell us about your husbands anger [he has kicked you out] and you then you come up with a plan that is SURE to infuriate him even more. [writing out your "story" of your affairs] Surely you understand how that would trigger him and only increase his anger? Do you want an [censored] whooping?  It is this disconnect from reality that really stands out to others, myfriend. My suggestion would be to move out and seek help from an abuse shelter. They typically have counselors and resources for battered women. And they can help you learn to discern reality again.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am going through exactly the same thing.he keeps getting bouts.it keeps coming back to him .he wants to know more.which I feel is not needed as it would cause further hurt.and would not help and would be another topic for taunts.as is he knows a lot .he can't follow that there is an emotional need also. He thinks I went for the physical thing ,though my H n me have brilliant time in bed.if I say emotional need he says..you loved and cared for another guy..not tolerable. And he keeps imagining that I would be going it since we got married all the time. Basically there is mistrust and insecurity. If I get nicely dressed and go shopping he feels I might be meeting someone. He imagines that previously also I used to out pretending to be shopping ..so now also. Please help me repair the situation .leaving is not an option. nandu, are you saying you haven't told your husband everything? You need to. You need to answer all of his questions about the affair. I'll go over to your thread to address this so we aren't t/j'ing this thread.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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SugarCane,
I removed the previous posts because my husband was bothered by my posting. And yet I am back again. I am being disrespectful to H but I need help.
His violent behavior stopped the night the police officer came, about a month ago. I can see him holding himself back. Usually I leave at that point to not tempt fate and call him on the phone to talk. Tonight I needed someone else to talk to. IHH, please don't delete your posts. It makes it very difficult for posters to help you when your history is deleted. You are NOT being disrespectful to your H by seeking help - you are being a caretaker of your marriage.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Gamma, Thank you.
I am typing away; I hate hand writing. Maybe I will do it in multiple files. I was imagining e-mailing it. Should I print it?
I am starting with the last A. I am starting with when we met and trying to figure out when it became A. Trying to give details on some encounters and a general idea of how many encounters. It was only a year ago but the memories are pretty fuzzy. IHH, have you left that job? Were your affairs exposed to the wives of the OM?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Melody,
Trying to be O&H. I opened pandora's box. I through a glass at him in frustration before he ever hit me. I stopped... he hasn't.
The fights always start with him asking about the affair. I just want him to not have any more questions.
For me the parallel between abuse and infidelity are too close. If I cannot believe he will change how can I believe that I will change? I am admitting to my problem. The reality is that he will not admit that his lack of anger management is a problem. Why would I think he will change if he does not see what he is doing as a problem? His anger is justified by my affair but my affair was not justifiable. I'll agree that my affair was not justified... it should not have been done it to my worst enemy and most certainly not the father of my children and the man I swore to take care of for our entire lives.
If my husband was on this forum you would be supporting him. You would be believing in him. I cannot represent him well myself.
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Gamma, Thank you.
I am typing away; I hate hand writing. Maybe I will do it in multiple files. I was imagining e-mailing it. Should I print it?
I am starting with the last A. I am starting with when we met and trying to figure out when it became A. Trying to give details on some encounters and a general idea of how many encounters. It was only a year ago but the memories are pretty fuzzy. IHH, have you left that job? Were your affairs exposed to the wives of the OM? Ihurthim, Did you see this question?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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The problem with your reasoning is that you believe you have the power to magically fix him. And you don't. He is not asking you questions because he doesn't have all the facts, but because he is angry. And giving him more information about your affairs will make him more angry, not less, because keeping the affair top of mind keeps him enraged. You do not have the power to control or "fix" your husband, but you imagine that you do. And that is all it is, your imagination. You don't have that kind of power. So, the best thing you can do is remove yourself from his circle of abuse and protect yourself. It doesn't matter WHY he became a wife beater, what matters is that he IS a wife beater and is a dangerous, abusive man. If my husband was on this forum you would be supporting him. You would be believing in him. I cannot represent him well myself. That is true. I would be telling him to separate and get treatment for his anger problem.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Dr. Harley says you must separate where there's physical abuse. Please listen and separate Radio clip on physical abuse Segment #2 Segment #3
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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For me the parallel between abuse and infidelity are too close. If I cannot believe he will change how can I believe that I will change? I am admitting to my problem. It is these kinds of statements that demonstrate my point that battered women are out of touch with reality. Do you see that your comment makes no sense?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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maritalbliss,
I am no longer working with the OM. H exposed to OMW on D-Day.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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BrainHurts,
I have listen to the radio shows. It sounds like I need to drop the HNHN and read LB. And I need to get him to read it. I am sure he will identify all of the LBs (and therefore abuse) I do. Hopefully he will see LBs in himself.
I am going to meet with Steve this week and get him to help me with a plan.
Good Night
Last edited by IHurtHim; 06/02/12 01:02 AM.
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I am not sure it was clear that when I said that my husband asked me to leave last night that he was asking me to leave just for an hour or two so that he could calm down. He called me a few hours later to ask when I was coming home and he was very calm. I did go home to sleep when I stopped posting.
The same as I have EP to stop me from having an affair,he will need to do something to manage his anger. For now we both are watching for it and as long as he agrees I can leave when he gets angry I am happy. He used to accuse me of running away when we got into fights. Which of course I was. Now he accepts that that is a reasonable option.
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I gave H a couple more details last night that he felt were revealing. They were a couple specific exchanges that occurred before the affair. H felt that I had previously said the affair got started in one sudden moment. Revealing these two events showed that I was looking for an affair to satisfy sexual fantasies and putting lines out to catch the OM.
H keeps saying I am not admitting to myself how much I wanted to have an A so I cannot understand how much it hurts him. I am not admitting to how deep my betrayal was and until I do that I cannot understand his pain. I have to understand exactly how little I thought of H while I was out executing the most important sexual fantasy of my life.
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The same as I have EP to stop me from having an affair,he will need to do something to manage his anger. For now we both are watching for it and as long as he agrees I can leave when he gets angry I am happy. He used to accuse me of running away when we got into fights. Which of course I was. Now he accepts that that is a reasonable option. That is not anger management, though. He needs professonal help that you can't provide. You shouldn't have to run or do anything when gets angry because he should not be getting that angry. He cannot control his anger and you won't be safe until he can.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I gave H a couple more details last night that he felt were revealing. They were a couple specific exchanges that occurred before the affair. H felt that I had previously said the affair got started in one sudden moment. Revealing these two events showed that I was looking for an affair to satisfy sexual fantasies and putting lines out to catch the OM.
H keeps saying I am not admitting to myself how much I wanted to have an A so I cannot understand how much it hurts him. I am not admitting to how deep my betrayal was and until I do that I cannot understand his pain. I have to understand exactly how little I thought of H while I was out executing the most important sexual fantasy of my life. you should not be trickle-truthing your BH. you need to sit down, write out a timeline in detail, then tell him everything at once. trickle truth only helps reinforce the pain your BH feels - it's like DDay every time! he will always be wondering when and what will be coming next; the foundation of your M will only get weaker. by being completely open and honest with him, and answering his questions, you can put your A to rest and start working towards recovery, if that is what he wants.
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Dr. Harley says you must separate where there's physical abuse.
BH, as usual you have the good doctor chapter and verse. BUT, the likely person to pay for the lack of civility in this toxic relationship is....Mr. IHH!
I through(sic) a glass at him in frustration before he ever hit me.
When the brainless dolts that pass for law enforcement eventually show up, whose carcass do you think will be carted off to the "Cinder Block Hotel", regardless of any circumstances? (Are you listening, CP?)
This entire thread has been a series of half-truths, non-truths, prevarications, obfuscations, deletions and repositions. IHH, pray tell, what wholesome fruit-juice was in the glass prior to it being used as a weapon?
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Dr. Harley says you must separate where there's physical abuse.
BH, as usual you have the good doctor chapter and verse. BUT, the likely person to pay for the lack of civility in this toxic relationship is....Mr. IHH! Um, if he has angry outbursts, he should pay for it, right?
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