First post here... Unfortunatly

I recently found out about my wife having 2 affairs. 3 months ago is when I found out. The first was last summer, a one night stand. Second was a more involved, 3 month PA. All has been spilled, I know what happened, and that my unintentional lack of affection towards her contributed to the marriage problems.


I still snoop, using a keylogger, and grab her cellphone when I can. I have no trust for her AT ALL. I have forgiven, which she knows, and she also knows I don't trust her at all. She offers to let me go through her phone. I found out about the first PA by looking through her FB, and found the second by text messages on her phone. There has been NC with both OM's for almost 3 months.

I never used to be the "non trusting" type of person. But now it seems like everything she does gets my hair standing up on end.

She does seem remorseful, but I don't believe it. I don't think she is doing enough, at least in my eyes. She does have a tendancy to yell at me about stupid things, and bring up hurtful things. But after cooling down, and thinking about it, she tells me she is sorry. I don't believe that either...

So far, I have not found any suspicious messages or texts, but she will delete some messages from her FB account. I still have what she typed, but nothing incriminating or out of the way. As far as her phone, I haven't found anything there, except for the doozie in the beginning. But how do I know she isn't deleting certain text messages??? What are some signs that she is "into me" again?

I want to believe she is having true remorse, but what are the signs???

Sorry for rambling on...

WAMIVA,

Sorry to hear about that, were the OMWs told about what happened?

God Bless
Gamma

Has full exposure to all sides of family, including the kids taken place?

I'm amazed she still has an FB account at all!

Welcome to MB, What, sorry for the reasons that brought you here. There is a very narrow path to recovery and most do not make it because they don't take that path. Most marriages end up in a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage and often end up with other instances of adultery.

You can have a recovered marriage, though, if you follow this program very strictly. The first step towards recovery is to remove the conditions that led to the affair. In your wife's case, it is clear she has poor boundaries around men. Sure, there might have been a lack of affection in your marriage, however, if she had not allowed other men to meet her needs, she would not have had an affair.

So the first step has to be for her to clean up her poor boundaries. She should delete facebook, eliminate opposite sex friendships, spend all leisure time with you and make her life so transparent that she couldn't possibly carry on an affair. Her affairs should be exposed to your families, children, close friends and any spouses of the OM, if any. The more people who know, the more people to hold her accountable.

It is not a good idea to offer her forgiveness. I would strongly suggest you reconsider that tact. Instead, follow the plan laid out by Dr Harley here: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?


Has she ended ALL contact with these OM? ALL? Do any of them live close by? If so, all contact has to ended for life.

The next step is to create a romantic relationship using this step. It is a step by step program that if used, will restore the romantic love to your marriage. The program can be found in the book, Surviving an Affair.

Install spyware on her phone so that you can read any and all text messages and see her phone log. Some even have a built in GPS. A good one is eblaster at spectorsoft.com. It costs $65 but is well worth it.

Both OM's were single, Most of her family knows, except for the older members in their 70's and 80's with health issues. We have not told many in my family, I am simply too embarrassed. No kids.

Are you married?

Yes, we are married, been so for just over 3 years

I have been reading a lot of posts here, as well as reading the advice columns. I have done a few things wrong according to the advice I read here. The time for exposure has passed, I think, and the problems that it resolves with the WW aren't really an issue. She realizes that both were mistakes, that they are POSOM's... this I have gotten from PM's on her FB account talking to her friends about it.

I don't know if any company has anything for these phones. It is a samsung (I think) slider phone, with a pay-as-you-go plan. If it was a smart phone, it would probably be easier.

But you haven't done anything to be embarassed about, so that isn't logical. Your wife also needs to be held to account and to apologise to your family. If you are holding in a secret, feeling embarassed, not getting the support of your family and your wife isn't able to make amends to them, then that isn't going to create a good vibe.

What about exposure to OMs families?

WAMIVA,

Does/did she work with these people?

Do the OMs have girl-friends/families, they need to be exposed to provide you with an extra layer of protection.

Also the OMs may in fact be married you need to check into this.

It almost sounds like she is a serial cheater and may have a few more you don't know about, have you considered a polygraph?

These are not "mistakes" and saying so trivializes the pain you are feeling.

God Bless
Gamma

At the time, neither were married or had girlfriends. I sort of know one of them. Typical POS, can't hold a job, bums off of everyone, blah blah blah. If there were more, I haven't seen any evidence of it. The way she acts, seems to indicate true remorse. But how can I be sure.

WAMIVA,

How can I be sure?????

POLYGRAPH

You do not want to be living with doubt 10 years from now. Trust me I know how that feels.

Did you try to have the OMs tell you their side of the story to see if they match up with your WWs version?

God Bless
Gamma

I had thought about it, but we are a long way from anywhere that administers a polygraph. Cost is another issue.

Whoops, posted too fast. The whole thing about this is Ever since I found out about the original OM's, I have not seen any kind of evidence to support the fact of either another A or the want of one. It's just in the back of my head. If I could tell myself that the proof is in front of my face, then I would feel much better.

WAMIVA,

The costs now are small compared to the costs of divorcing your WW when you are 40 or 50 and you have built up a lifetime of savings, investments and real-estate. Divorce is pricey.

You have no chance of child support obligations either.

God Bless
Gamma

i am sorry you are here WAMIVA, but i presume you're young, no kids, newly married within past 3 y and you're wife has already had 2 affairs? she doesnt sound terribly remorseful either. you should be thinking divorce. and you can never be sure. get out while the going is good w/ min financial obligations. i know you love her, but if it werent for my kids i wouldve run for them thar hills if presented with a chance like yours. i think that is what Gamma is alluding to, but could be wrong.

WAMIV, you basically came here asking how to get out of the immediate post-discovery doldrums that you're experiencing. The issue is you THINK, as in you THINK there were only the two OM, you THINK everything is over, you THINK she's remorseful, etc, etc.

You'll move forward when you stop THINKING and start KNOWING!

All that said, let me summarize the exchanges so far:

MB: Get spyware on her phone.
YOU: You're not sure her phone can take the load.
Rejoinder: Uhhh, dude, cellphones are dirt-cheap; buy her a new one, load it up, and tell her that's what she is to use from now on.

MB: Expose to everybody in her world.
YOU: No, because you're too "embarrassed" to expose to your family.
Rejoinder: You know what's embarrassing? When someone is too timorous to state the facts as facts, fix the situation and move on, due to some heightened opinion of one's status. You know what's REALLY embarrassing? When that same person is back here in two years in the same position, because WW got away without paying the full price for her transgressions the first time.

MB: Have a poly done.
YOU: It's too far away, and costs too much.
Rejoinder: Call us back when you get serious, pardner.

MB: Get a full screening for both of you for all STD's.
YOU: (Fill in the blank here with your excuses.)

Bingo. I emphatically nodded through all of this.

I've seen a few WWs who got geared up on their own, got a poly booked, arranged for a post nup and STD tests, cancelled FB, made fearless apologies, volunteered up all their time to making amends.. And not once asked for 'trust' or 'forgiveness'

But its rare. Usually the WW only puts in as much effort as she is asked for. If the BH sits back, offers up free forgiveness, that leaves her with nothing to do but accept it.

Then both wonder why nothing is different..after doing nothing differently. She has not earned any self respect, he has seen nothing worth trusting.

Most people who save their marriages are tough and have high standards and accept no excuses for why a sterling job cannot be done.

Does this sound like something you could do?