My co-worker came into work yesterday in a very bad frame of mind. You know that look when you have been crying for hours if not days and you can�t stop shaking and crying. I didn�t really notice because she can be a worry wart over nothing. But there was this sob/shaking from behind that I remember and she suddenly got up and went into another room. A few minutes later I sent someone in to talk to her because I got this chill down my spine and I heard her sobs. I remembered those sobs.

So� what I know is that they have been going to counseling for a few months. Suddenly out of the blue, he tells her he wants a fresh start. I was emailing my H asking him questions. We both came to the conclusion there�s more to the story and actually had a wonderful conversation last night.

This morning I found out her gave her the ILYBNILWY speech.
Am I jumping to conclusions he�s having an affair?

Queenie, he probably is having an affair.

If you can get her to talk to you, please, please send her here and we will help her save her marriage.

If she has told you this much, can you go back to her and explain to her that this is typically a sign of an affair because it means the person has a new point of comparison?

Melody,

Have already told her that, asked her if I could send her the link to here and told her that she can get through this.

I asked her is she thought he was having an affair and she said no. Then I very gently reminded her of what happened to me. I told her about the will call manual about how they all say the same thing. I reminded her of the ILYBNILWY speech. I gently kept reminding her of what happened to me.

I asked her is she recognized him, was he acting like an alien. She said yes. It was the look in his eyes. I reminded her.

I told her that she can get through this, I asked her if she wanted her marriage, and she does and I told her she can do this, that there was a way to walk through this. To not feel alone.

So, hopefully she comes here.

That sounds good. If you can even get her to MB101, we can discuss the possibility of an affair. Most don't believe it at first because they dont' want to believe it. We persuade them to just check to make sure.

Yup that was me! I would have bet a million quid they would NEVER do that. Even though the signs we SO obvious.

It's obvious from your description that the speech was a shock to her, so its sudden and as Mel says, it shows a new contrast point.

She has probably been given a gaslighting explanation which she sincerely believes. Like I did.

Do we have a thread or link describing the whole ILYBNILY phenomenon?

Maybe Queenie can send the link to this BW: might be a bit less daunting for her than coming on here cold.

It was a dr harley article got me on here. I was googling about one spouse wanting a child and the other not, (the gaslighting explanation) and his view was the only one made sense.

I don't have all the details. It's the last two days of school and we aren't alone at all. I do know he is still living in the house, they have been going to counseling for a few months now, but that this decision I think was out of the blue.

What I heard her talking to others about was the explanations he was giving her. I couldn't listen, but I was right on it as soon as I could be. I remember every detail from all those years ago. I'm not wasting a minute being as gentle as I can, but jumping on the window of opportunity.

My H is adament something precipitated it.

You're a really good friend/co-worker Queenie.

In my last marriage, I got the ILBNILWY speech and everyone told me it was an affair but I didn't believe it!! Until I caught them driving down the road together a couple of weeks after he left. Then I put two and two together, did some checking of cell phone records and emails and sure enough! It was an affair.

Most people are shocked to find an affair. Because they don't think like that. I know I didn't.

Like what?

Thanks Pep,

This is something devastated to a person. No matter how you think you are prepared to handle it or how you think you will, NOTHING prepares you. NOTHING.

I'm just sharing what I learned and encouraging in her a way that others around here can't.

And that's because of all of you who helped me.

He had me at the wanting a fresh start, but my H says if he isn't actively having an A, he's thinking about it. "The speech" but almost solitified it for me.

Yeah, we all have that stupid blind trust before it happens

Queenie, that speech means he is in an active affair, not that he is just thinking about it. When a spouse says "ILOUBNLU" it means they already have a new point of comparison. Thats why I think he is in an active affair. Hopefully she will come here and let us help her!

It means they love someone else more. Making the marriage feel like a lesser love, or not 'in love'

And if its serious enough that they are willing to tell their beloved spouse they don't love them romantically, its at a dangerous 'who do I choose' stage.

I have a theory too that it is done at the urging of OW.

My oh-so-caring friend (the OW) certainly wanted me to 'let it all out' after the ILYBNILWY speech.

She wanted him to damage the marriage and send her a message that he preferred her over me.

All OW are so competitive with the BW they are practically cannibals.

Not happy unless the BW is being roasted alive over a slow fire of uncertainty.

I know all this, but this is her walk. I got my speech 8 months before the A was exposed. I was completely blind sided.

Unfortunately I went through it all, and I remember it very clearly. I'm not taking her journey from her, but gently asking her questions to come to her own conclusions and reminding her of what happened to me and the possibility is there.

Queenie, when someone is in shock, it usually takes a straightforward and firm approach to get through the fog. After all, when someone is sitting on the railroad tracks in a daze with a train headed their way, gentle is the last approach I would take.

Maybe a more straightforward and firm approach will get the message across?

You're a good friend Queenie.

I can't say it was suggested as gently to me on here! I got slammed with 2x4s. If I was REALLY as sure as I claimed I would have stopped posting.

But just being alerted to the possibility is enough. You see all these little signs which meant nothing when it was 'impossible'

Q-

Buy her a copy of SAA.
She's going to need it.

See, I would sit her down and say "my dear friend, it is very likely your husband is having an affair. The ILBNLU speech is typically a sign that there is a new point of comparison. It is a classic comment made by cheaters according to Dr Bill Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders and author of Surviving an Affair. I am not telling you this to hurt you, but to warn you so you have a better chance of saving your marriage. I would suggest that you do some snooping to find out what is going on."

It will take a straightforward discussion like this to get through her shock, Queenie. A friend in shock needs a firm hand to guide her off the railroad tracks.