My wife told me about a affair she had with a guy they had sex twice and then she ended it . All contact has been terminated . I love my wife and want to work things out but I keep having images and thoughts of them together . Does anybody know how to stop them or Atleast try to retrain my thinking . It is starting to consume my life . I think about it all day at work at home ...I wake up in the middle of the night with those thoughts ...not sometimes every night... I need some advice

Can you get into your doctor for some ADs? They will help.

I had to change my thinking.
Have you seen this? Managing Memories and Dealing With Triggers

Ty Brainhurts ...Do you really think ADs is what I need ....I'm checking out the link you posted now ...how/what did you do to retrain your thinking?

This is what Dr. Harley says from What are Plan A and Plan B.

ADs can help, Empire. I took them for a short-time as needed. The most important thing you can do, however, is to recover with a plan. Just trying to forget about the affair and going on as status quo will not do it.

Are you and your wife working the MB plan? Have you read any of the books or done any of the questionnaires? Considered the online program or the personal coaching?

It's over a year and a half now into recovery for me - after my H's affair - and I can tell you: the only way I got rid of those terrible thoughts was by us working to make our marriage better than it ever was. The MB plan helps you get there. Yes, you still have to manage memories and triggers, but you have hope - and each other - to hold onto that gets you through the rough spots.

Part of the MB plan is putting EPs (Extraordinary Precautions) in place that safeguard your marriage. Has this been done? Has the affair been exposed to pertinent people? How is your wife making sure that she is held accountable to putting boundaries in place that will prevent this kind of thing from ever happening again?

All these things are an imperative part of rebuilding your marriage. Recovery is possible, but it is not always easy.

As for practical ways of managing your thoughts - for me it has been a combination of things in the past year 1/2. I let my H know when I need some extra TLC, support, or reassurance from him. I keep my mind busy with projects or other things that make my brain focus elsewhere. I talk to friends or post here. I do things that strengthen my marriage in some way.

Not knowing what all you and your wife are doing to rebuild makes it harder to give specific advice. Just know that time, even though we don't like to hear it, is usually the best healer - assuming you are doing everything right on the road to recovery!

I'm not going to say I never have bad memory triggers; just had a terrible one out of the blue the other day. But... I can tell you that with time they have been much less frequent and don't last very long when they do come.

It sounds like it is still very early in your situation. Definitely take a look at ADs...those first thoughts and images flying in your head are a lot to deal with!

What have you and your WW done to recover your marriage? Did you expose the affair? Have you gotten "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley, the owner of this site?

What have you and your wife done to recover your marriage?

Empire,

I found some excellent clips on how to deal with the images.

Radio Clip on how to deal with images
Radio clip on how to Survive from an affair

More excellent radio clip on just compensation versus forgiveness. Dr. Harley talks about triggers and memories.

Radio clip on Just compensation at about the 5:30 mark
Segment #2

Please tell me what you think.

Empire,

**edit** Yes I agree disovering your W's affair probably seems decastating - But, what have You done to talk and really communicate with her about the A and how you feel? Seems like you are dealing with this totally alone. Communication between spouses is the most important thing in a marriage. I totally realise the thing about a WW not wanting to communicate - But an insistant and strong H can overcome this. You haven't stated much at all about your marriaage history, so it's difficult to really give any advice. **edit**

BH, I admire you for what you do here! My god I would not have the energy to consistently post so many encouraging and MB factual comments and resources to those who come here in need of help. I am sort of smiling now as I say this, but I think Ms (St.) Bliss will need to scrooch over abit to make room for you as the newest St. on here! I'm not teasing tho - you're simply great is all I can say. **edit** I say this from personal experience with my W's psychiatirst. He is retired now, but my wife and I have known him and have been in contact with him for 40 years now (that seems impossible, but guess I am getting older too now...*s*). He was the chariman of the psych dept at a major hospital here during that time, and he always stressed a reduction of or even an elimination of meds to just simply rely on yourself. **edit**

BH, you have become a constant here, and you know what - just seeing your name here has become very very important and meaningful - please keep it up.

Tom

Thanks Tom. I like to follow Dr. Harley's advice and concepts and try to post and follow his MB concepts.

I have very big shoes to fill following MaritalBliss.

t/j- sorry Empire
-
No BH, either the shoes will become smaller or your feet will grow larger to fit those shoes, but don't worry because I doubt that St. Marital is going to bite you as she scrooches over to make room for you. Besides, you are filling your shoes only! In all seriusness, you two are great! Only thing is I feel that NG is really going to be pissed that he hasn't yet been nominated for sainthood here yet. He is a good person really, but he has to go thru some additional procedures, so please treat him gently while he is under consideration...*s* Yea, I am in a very silly mood tonight - cats have had some wet spitballs thrown at them by me and their reactions are just funny. But a tought week this week with lost of work so need to have fun.

Tom

I read about this method and it worked for me.
Think of something you enjoy.
I enjoy pushing my daughter on the swing and can picture her smiling as she swings.
So when those horrible images come Say STOP! And picture that pleasant moment.
My wife taunted me by (against my will) telling me how she begged OM to **** her. So it was a tough thing to overcome.
But those horrible pictures would vanish when I said STOP and pictured my daughter.

Equally important is making sure the affair is over. Most peoPle involved in affairs are liars. You need to verify the affair is over AND work on preventing a future affair.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? That is the first step.

Just a reminder, Tom, that Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr., Ph. D, licensed psychologist and owner of this site, founder of this program often recommends that a betrayed spouse look into antidepressants early on to help manage the emotional roller-coaster.

With newer research, it can also be looked into (though NOT yet endorsed by Dr. Harley) with one's physician to try beta blockers to help manage trigger episodes.

I recommend getting to your Dr. and have full physical if you havent had one in a while. Tell him about the affair and the sleep and anxiety issues you are experiencing.

I received Anti depressants and anti anxiety drugs. I discontinued the ADs after 4 months by my choice. I still pop one of the anxiety pills when I get, you know, that tensioning of the neck muscles that still occurs over a year after dday.

If you dont excercize now, I encourage you to start. I started walking, then running on a regular basis. Nothing clears the noggin like a good jog.

I dont think one ever gets over the thoughts/images, unfortunately. If you have a remorseful wife doing everything to make you safe and fully meeting the needs you have laid out for her, I believe the thoughts and images become less of an issue. My wife started compensating me for her affair and has lived her life as true to MB tenets as one could want about a minute after I discovered her affair. Its her undying commitment to me and our marriage that has made the pain of the thoughts I have become less severe as we get further away from it.

E'79, your "How can I stop thinking about her affair?" plaint is exactly what brought me here over two years ago, after wrestling alone with the issue for eight months.

Ok, the bad news:

IT WON'T HAPPEN TODAY.

Now the worse news:

YOU CANNOT FORCE IT TO HAPPEN.

At last, the good news:

IT CAN HAPPEN, AND FOR MOST (ALL?) OF US HERE, IT DID HAPPEN.

The best way to end the nightmares is to concretely ensure that they are dead in you past and not alive in your future. There are some things that WW is going to have to do as well, but let's get started with you, okay?

Your first post (of 23!) was 23 June, three days ago. I would suggest you spend some time reading the available data here on Emotional Needs, and the way the satisfaction of those elements "knits" a couple together.

It fairly jumps out from your posts that your WW has the screaming need for admiration, and validation of her worth (concerns with body-image; resentment of your need to spend time/attention with your children). You're going to have to find ways to satisfy her needs in that area (OM did.).

Over time, as you and she reform your marriage, the way that you supply and care for each others needs will be the balm that your fevered imaginings require. I cannot speak to the utility of ADs, as I never used them. Maybe I should have. But they are, at best, mere diversions from the real repairs that will be required to your union, my friend.