no. walk away and have her escorted out. say nothing to her. be strong jah!

All clearly spelled out in the book Surviving An Affair. The advice here gets you going while your book is being shipped.

The best posters have given you the reasoning for the advice when they gave it but you seem to want to question it. Don't.

Here's why you need to be tough, Jah. Your WW is used to being pampered and getting her way. She's going to push and push to try and get you to back down. You need to be FIRM with her. Seriously.

And this will challenge you because you are used to giving her every little thing she wants, including time to decide if she wants you? HELL NO. You're in the driver's seat now and if she has the gall to show up at your work to try and charm you back, she needs to be escorted out.

She has no boundaries. She's like an undisciplined pet...one that has behaved very badly. Time for major tough love.

I hate to be cynical but I'm with the 'get yourself a divorce NOW' crowd. This lady is going to have to change the way she does EVERYTHING in order to become the wife you deserve. Calling you from the airport? It's because she KNOWS how to get to you so you have to do everything in your power to eliminate that possibility.

Okay, that's the plan. No talking, no explaining. I'll just call security to escort her out.

By the way, you're doing a great job so far.
It's going to intensify if/when she begs to come back.

If it were me, I'd get the divorce and date her afterwards. No way would I continue to stay married to this entitled, serial cheat. She needs a MAJOR wake up call and if her love for you is strong and focused, she will be willing to do whatever it takes to win you back ON YOUR TERMS.

I should have said 'possibly' date her afterwards. When this all shakes out, you very well might not want her anymore.

Yes, I get it about tough love. I really do want her to hit absolute rock bottom; that is the only way I'll take her back. Its the only way to get the wife I deserve. But I do want to keep trying; if we divorce, I want to be able to say I did everything I could, then move on.

Hi jah,

***EDIT***
Jah, in terms of implemting a Plan B, you need to determine three things: 1) if you still love your wife, and are able to tolerate her behaviour based on this love, 2) if you really need a Plan B to protect Yourself while entertaining a hope for her committment to your marriage, and 3) to learn how to disengage from an uncomfortable and unsupportive and painful relationship and go on to a better life for you. Baed on this I think before you willy nilly decide between a Plan B or your own plan, you need to get back do the drawing board, do some serious evaluation, and determine what and who (specifially) you want in your life for the rest of your life! Jah, I have been married to a most wonderful woman for 40+ years - I honstly could not imagine dealing with your ww for even one year.

***EDIT***
Tom

If this is seeing the 'forest in the trees', then:
1) I still love my wife, but I will not tolerate this behavior.
2) I do need a plan B to protect myself while having a hope for her commitment
3) I do need to disengage from this unsupportive, painful relationship.

I want to point something out here to anyone who's reading.

Somewhere in this whole thread, I mentioned "I think I'm the biggest enabler in this whole place." I still think that's true.

I understand that I've allowed myself to be a "doormat" for too long, and I need to learn how to stop doing that. Whether I end up with my wife or with someone else, I need to learn because otherwise I'll just end up with the same results.

At the same time, I DON'T blame myself for my wife's behavior. Nothing that I did was bad enough to make her have an affair.

I am trying my best to learn not to be an enabler anymore. That is not because of my wife but for MYSELF.

Must be one of those 2x4's finally got through.

That is why it is important to stick around. Whatever recovery plan you end up in, marital or personal, MB and the wonderful people on this site with be of great value during this process.

Please read these threads by an excellent poster of ours, Doormat_No_More
4 months after dday
1 year after dday
2 years later

I suspect she is ready to come home, but you should not have answered that phone call. She's still addicted. You shouldn't be asking her what she plans to do: she should be telling YOU what she plans to do to return to the marriage.

Ask her to outline her plan.

**edit**

moderators note: if you have an issue with a moderator, email them directly. Don't disrupt this forum anymore!

oh, jah, you are so NOT! you're doing great. stick to the tough love. it's going to be harder now that she's back in the country, but you can do this. you have done so much already. keep up the good work.

Thank you for all the support Letty and maritalbliss.

BH, I tried to read through those links you gave me about 'doormatnomore'; after almost 3 hours I was only halfway through the first link! It's like a long novel. I cheated and skipped to read the second and third post. I know the guy posted himself as 'doormatNoMore" but I didn't see too much doormat type of behavior in there. He seemed anything but a doormat; although maybe it's because he was already in recovery. But it was a very interesting read to see all the ups and down that recovery will take; and it's good to see a happy ending.

His first thread when he first got here was lost in the 2009 crash.

He was a doormat when he first got here and then learned and lived the MB concepts and it was like he was a new man. He was originally called Barnboy and then changed to doormat no more.

He is very educated in MB principles. I learned so much from his posts.

Well, today might be my 4th day of plan B, but I feel like it's my first, because this morning my wife arrived from her home country and is now back in the city.

Walking around the hospital today, I kept expecting to see her waiting for me in the lobby or hallway (she used to wait for me at these places before), and I kept getting my phone ready to call security if needed; but she never appeared.

I do know that she is here though; I tried to check online the joint bank account that we had together (which I already emptied awhile ago), and I was locked out. I called the bank to ask why, and they said someone had tried to access it online 6 times and failed. So that's her, trying to log on to our joint account even though I changed the password. Somehow, it made me feel pretty happy to hear about that, though.

Now I'm here at home, it's quiet, I'm reading through posts, and I'm trying my hardest NOT to think about where she could be tonight. I know it will take time for these thoughts to subside, but it's hard, you know? Plan B is tough!

In between, I keep cleaning the apartment. I did pack all her stuff and put it in storage, but there are still alot of 'other' stuff that isn't really my wife's; we have a whole wall here of pictures, books, trinkets, souvenirs, figurines, etc that we collected together over the years; as I'm cleaning I'm gonna just put them in a box and store them somewhere. Do you think I should put them away in my apartment or put it at the storage facility for my wife to find? I had thought of throwing them away, but if I'm still in plan B, I figure just store them 'out of sight, out of mind'.

There is one good thing about this, though. My wife has always been a 'hoarder', and I am a 'throw everything away and live simple' kinda guy. Well, now I have 'the pass' to throw all this built up clutter and junk and clean up the apartment. It's starting to look pretty good.

Some Plan Bers have taken down wedding pictures and momentos and put them in storage. Whatever will help you heal, is what you should do.

Plan B can be like a major withdrawal for an addict. Self care is very important.

So what do you have planned to pamper yourself?

When you say 'addict', you mean my wife, right? Or do you mean I have the addiction?

I did decide when my wife was still in her home country to go and buy a stand-up paddleboard for myself; always wanted to try it. Hehe. I'll let you know how it goes.