Married 26 yrs. DD 3 wks ago. EA that had been building for mths but really developed in the few weeks prior. EA was strickly on his side,she is much younger and only wanted friendship. He 1st said he had a strong E connection. Got him to admit he told her he loved her. He later said he really didn't care about her. Said that she was a fantasy he got caught up on and was a complete fool. I think though if she would have been willing it would have developed into a PA. He says he loves me wants only me. We have had a rocky marriage;I know I did not meet his EN..things he asked for. I have kept a close eye, no calls, emails etc. Do I trust that is it..he is done w/ her? How long b4 I can believe it? We r taking more.more sexually connected which just messes w/ my head more. So confused.

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Has his affair been exposed?

You may be 50% responsible for the demise of your M, but he is 100% responsible for his affair.

I have told no one else. I am a private person-no close friends or family that I would tell. My mom would just make things worse and his parents would make an excuse as they did when their other son was found cheating. I don't want kids (older) to know -my dad left when I was younger..devistated me. If we can't work it out then I will explain things but for now no. I know I have responsibility in the devise of this M. He had an EA about 13 yrs ago, previous issues w/ porn. All the fighting and at times him being pysical (pushing, grabbing etc)I built a wall up. He is angery for the yrs of lack of affection, disprespect etc. Didn't feel loved. I just question can it really be OVER for him? How can you switch gears so fast? How long w/ no contact b4 I can trust it?

bewildered, who is this OW? Is she married? Does he work with her? Where did he meet her?

I would strongly suggest you expose his affair to your family if you want to recover your marriage. Affairs thrive on secrecy and fantasy, so keeping it a secret only serves the fantasy. Making it public ruins the fantasy and helps your husband see himself in a proper perspective. When forced to explain his sleazy behavior to others, he will see himself through their eyes. It is like turning on the lights and bringing in a crowd of onlookers to the crack house. IT ruins the high!

Also, the more people that know, the more people to hold your husband accountable. Exposure helps your husband become a better man. Here is what Dr Harley says about exposure:

I suggest you read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley

oh boy, what is this about? Did you call the police on him? This is a huge problem right here.

The other women is someone he met while on the job making a delivery. He had in the past been acquainted with her late husband so they struck up a conversation. He doesn't wear a ring due to job so she ask if he was married - I think more of a general question - he said yes but led to not happily. She had a boyfriend during most of the time but they recently broke up so I think that was why things excellerated for him because it gave him hope. They talked and text periodically over the last 7 mths.. alot in the last few. They shared their sad stories to each other and she made him feel special. He told me he can make it to where he never has to deliver to her again and has told me when he has been in her area.

How do you know her husband is dead? Have you verified that? Can you find her on facebook? Have you spoken to her personally?

I will read the book. I just don't think that I can tell anyone at his point. If I were to find out he has breached his promise of no contact then I would. He has told some people..friends that have been there that are working on their relationships and encouraging him. I do think that he is very remorseful and ashamed of his behavior and working hard to connect. He has alway been the one to come to me w/ our problems but I always felt that the finger was pointed at me. He has expressed how unhappy he is for years..always threatening to leave. I do think he loves me but there is so much resentment towards me that surfaces. He is very loud and vocal, has anger issues so I in-turn shut down. He is working on these issues as well. We are on the verge of empty nesters which I knew would be a turning point..no longer kids to busy myself with and we are faced with each other. I do want this to work but I don't want to be played a fool either. I am new to the forum and MB..lots to learn. We are looking at MC as well.

bewildered, your husband probably will breach his promise if you don't expose because he is not going to learn his lesson. After all, he learned nothing from his last affair and here he is again. By keeping his secrets for him, you allow the fantasy to thrive and you allow him to persist in blaming you for his affair. You become an enabler.

He has very little motivation to change as long as you keep his secrets.

I am also sorry to hear you are considering marriage counseling. Marriage counseling has an 84% failure rate and is actually destructive to marriages. Counselors have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. They are little more than divorce facilitators.

If you want to save your marriage, you are going to take a completely different approach to this, starting by him changing his lifestyle so this doesn't happen again.

Do you know for a fact this woman is not married? Does your husband's employer know he is using his position to troll for chicks? His unprofessional behavior could be putting them at great legal risk.

As long as he has a position where he is able to troll for chicks, your marriage won't be safe and his employer won't be safe. How will you be protected from another affair?

Have you considered asking him to change occupations?

Yes..I have confirmed her husband died in an accident a few years ago. I TM her several times just trying to confirm what was the truth right after I found out.. I do believe she just wanted a friend but she played into it as well. He said he new nothing would physical would happen w/ her (she is 20 yrs younger)so it was safe. The last time they spoke was because I was blowing up her phone w/ tm and she called to [censored] him out and get me off her [censored]. She is on FB but set to private. They are not friends on FB. He is not really savvy with all this stuff so I don't think they have any other way of communicating. I have been on him like white on rice. Watching all expenditures to be sure there is no go phone etc. I deleted her contact info and he has been open w/ his phone.

One thing you can do is slip spyware on his phone. That will give you all of his text messages, phone logs and some have a built in GPS that will transmit his location. A good one is eblaster at spectorsoft.com. It costs $65 and you can install it in about 10 minutes. Can you do that without him knowing?

Melody Lane - I would not ask him to change jobs..there would be no way at his age, this economy etc. I do not feel that he uses his position to troll for chicks as you say. He does not actively pursue other women. He is one of those people that talks to everyone. I think he was/is very unhappy in his life. This OW has some major issues and I think he fed off trying to help her and give her advice and she fed his ego and made him feel good about himself .. he got caught up in it. I will read more on the exposure...I just don't want to create hurt for other people..that is what it will do.

I have monitored all he calls/tm through ATT online and have id numbers.

bewildered, he has affairs as a result of his poor boundaries with women and by having a job where he has lots of opportunity. If his company finds out he is having affairs with the customers, that would not bode well for his career because it is so unprofessional.

Your husband has proven that he cannot handle temptation in this environment so the solution is to change the environment while cleaning up his poor boundaries around women. Having personal conversations with women is not appropriate for a married man and is clear this is how he rolls.

If you don't change the environment, what happens the next time he is "unhappy?"

That is like sending the alcoholic into the bar and expecting him not to drink.


His affair is creating hurt for other people and himself. His job makes it possible for him to have affairs.

Workplace cheaters are the worst of the worst. They ruin their marriages and their careers. Your husband is that reckless. He should remove himself from an environment where it is possible for him to be so reckless.

So you can read his texts? The spyware for cell phones has GPS on it so you can monitor his whereabouts.

He's 20 years older?? So what. She's flirting with a married man, do you think she has standards or something??

Please listen to ML. She's going to tell you things that you don't want to do - but plan bewildered has yet another affair in her marriage and isn't qualified to prescribe the cure. ML's opinions simply reflect the true tested principles of the SAA book.

Let me put it this way. If I am an alcoholic and I drink because I am unhappy, wouldn't part of the solution be to get out of the bar?

What happens the next time your husband is "unhappy?" A third affair?

My point is that unless you change the environment a repeat affair is very possible. And there is nothing more HURTFUL than an affair. NOTHING.