Sigh. I feel a little lame posting here daily, but it gives me some clarity of thought. I had a rough morning...hecticated, flat tire, new phone dropped in coffee, lost my temper, late to work and lectures from co-workers, tired and stressed.

Things turned around...got new tires (on credit, unfortunately, although they told me I had about 900 in other repairs I should get, but oh well), phone we'll have to see about, have to take it to the apple store out of town this weekend, co-workers chilled by end of day, kids and I had a good evening.

But it is hard to have those moments, of feeling alone and overwhelmed. The moments where I just have the Alanis Morisette lines running through my head, "I'm here...to remind you...of the mess you left when you went away. It's not fair...to deny me...the cross I bear that you gave to me. You oughtta know."

I have a lot of resentment. And frustration. And in those moments, it gets overwhelming. But I know there are the positives, too, and my kids are a blessing that I appreciate, even if sometimes the stress of it all feels crazy bad. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.

Hang in there Jennifer. Anyone would be overwhelmed by stressful days after all you've gone through and continue to go through.

You're doing great.

Thanks AI...please let us know how you are doing as well. Thinking about you!

I have a plan for winding down my day: glass of wine, funny TV show, and straightening up the living room. Then I get to crawl into my luxurious king size bed inhabited by two sweet munchkins "sleeping over" in mom's room. In the peaceful moments of the evening, it is much easier to let the day's stress slide off.

hey, jenn, while you're waiting to get to the apple shop, pop your phone, wrapped in a washcloth, into your hot water cupboard. sometimes this will dry out your problem (without damaging the item - do turn it off!) and it'll work again. i'd hate to see you spend the $$ if you don't have to.

boys tend to hold things in. counselling will be good for him.

i'd like to highlight this
for all those people who say little ones are too young, don't understand, you know, all those reasons they try to hide the truth from them. maybe a newly BS will see it and get to understanding that much earlier.

i loved that song when it came out, and still love it today. it personifies the pain and agony of a BS so well! all the anger and despair and rage is right there in her voice. and the lyrics - wow! talk about telling it like it is!

enjoy your stress-free evening. don't worry about tomorrow until you get up!

I love the sleepovers with my little ones ....the snuggles, the kisses, the hugs, the ily's, etc. pure sweetness as the days problems just drift away.......

You're not lame, post away! I find it healing to post, and I find it healing to read others who are in Plan B. It is reassuring to know that others are feeling and thinking the same as me.


When things go wrong, it can be easy in Plan B to start to drown... to blame the wayward, to hate what has happened to us, to feel life is just so damn unfair. Keep reminding yourself that YOU are in control.

It took me a while to learn how to cope with things without Gollum. I remember one day very soon into Plan B and my lack of sleep, I set my friend's kitchen alight. And the same day backed my mother's car into a mailbox. Peeled the passenger door back like a sardine can. And the shower door broke, and I had no idea how to fix it. For about fifteen minutes, I sobbed like a baby, thinking Gollum had always been there for me to deal with this sort of stuff. Lucky for me, my brother, father and a family friend stepped in to support me in fixing the mess I made of the car and bathroom! And my friend and I managed to douse the flames (although there was no saving the kettle involved!)

Now, I know my support network when things go awry and if I need a man's assistance with stuff I am not good with or have no interest in, I know who to call.

Ta da! We are in control our Plan B's, WE can fix things, even if we need other's help to do so.

The moments get less and less the longer in Plan B... the feeling of being overwhelmed lessens. I still sometimes feel alone, but I no longer feel isolated if that makes sense. I have friends and loved ones, and I no longer feel overwhelmingly SINGLE or ABANDONED like I once did. People love me and I am valued.

But I had to laugh about "You oughta know". I remember screaming this at the top of my lungs for a long while in Plan B. I think I posted it somewhere on my thread. Thinking of all the unsaid things I could say to Gollum. It was a real turning point for me when I stopped singing it.

Its all part of the healing Jen. I think anger is a very healthy step in our recovery, providing we can work through it. It shows our self-respect. We know we have been wronged.

Keep taking it one day at a time, keep sticking with Plan B. I think you are doing well.

Jen, it is amazing what a grasp young children have on the situation. my newly turned DS7 told me dad had broken his promise and asked me if I would remarry, when I replied no I was still married to dad he told me he was glad I would not break my promise. He also told me mistakes could be fixed and dad could come home, there were people who loved him.

Just confirms how important exposure is for childern and by telling them in an age appropriate manner it really does help them, not only now but for their future.

hope you had a good day, today, jenn. you're not alone!

Doing a little better here, I got my daughter back from sleep away camp and now are dropping both of them at their dad's for four weeks. It's been busy but nice to have this time with the kids. I'm going to miss the girls, but I'm a little tired by all this activity and driving (will drive 1400 miles before this weekend is over...already drove 850). The next three weekends will be at home and DS and I can get some more arranging/unpacking done!

Thanks for thinking of me everyone, and hope this is a beautiful day for all!

Thats alot of driving!

I know you will miss your girls, but it will be nice having one on one time with DS.

Hope you can get some rest today

I am glad to read that you are staying strong and doing really well, conidering... I am following your story. I hope I can draw strength from your story as I embark on my journey to end my marriage and begin a new life with my children.

Safe travels!!!!

It's my daughter's birthday today! I can't be with her, though, and apparently her dad is pawning her off on his now ex-wife.

It's funny, it wasn't until just a few minutes ago I realized how irritating it is to me that HAM, her step-dad, isn't going to acknowledge her birthday either.

Sigh. I make birthdays so special, I miss not being there for my kiddo. But I know that I did as much as I could to early-birthday fete her, so she'll remember.

4 weeks in plan B today. 3 weeks yesterday since HAM has seen DS.

Had a great talk with my girls this morning, and DD11! was positive about her birthday plans, so that's good. Her dad is going to spend some time with her today and make dinner and have a cake, although they are spending most of the day with their ex-stepmom.

Interesting experience: I have a new co-worker who I used to talk to at soccer when our kids were on a team together two years ago. She new HAM from then as well and I told her today about him leaving, etc. She was really surprised and said she would not have expected it of him. Then she asked me if he still had the dreads, and I said no, he'd cut them at the beginning of his affair, and that he was now saying that I "made him" have the dreads as part of a plot to socially isolate him and emotionally abuse him. She was just floored, she said that the first time she met him (when the kids were practicing together) they spent about an hour talking about his dreads and he was so proud of them and it was his "thing." That's definitely my memory (along with me not being really excited about them, and encouraging him NOT to let his hair go like that), so it was nice to be validated. I know by now I shouldn't let his version of our history still bother me, but it does a bit. I guess it will get better over time.

Jennifer.
Few of us are entirely free from a sense of guilt. We may be remorseful because of our words or actions or things left undone. We may even feel guilty because of irrational or false accusations by the wayward.
When I am troubled by a sense of guilt, I cannot put into my day all I am capable of. I must rid myself of this feeling, not by pushing it aside, but by identifying it and correcting the cause.
Free of this weight I can put all of my best into my days work and my spiritual growth. Then I will have something worthwhile to give others, instead of concentrating on my own frustrations.

Remember: refuse to be troubled by an uneasy sense of guilt. Track it down to its source and make good for any harm you have done. Be careful not to whitewash it with self justification and self righteousness. That would hamper everything .

)that is from AlAnon one Day at a Time. I replaced the word alcoholi with the word wayward.
My wife has been saying weird stuff like that too. Reading this helped me realize that I need to NOT LET HER STUFF HAMPER ME.

Jen, the rewrite is very hard to come to terms with even though we know it is wayward babble. This was extremely hard for me to think Isildur could think so poorly of me, how could he believe what he was saying he knew me.

The ironic thing everything he accused me of, the justifications for him leaving our marriage were predictions of what PEGI is now doing.

Birthdays are hard to deal with. Your daughter will always remember the birthday you gave her. DS7 had his birthday last week, we spent the day with him and he had an awesome day. Isildur took him to dinner along with DS19 and DD16. What amazed me they didn't have a birthday cake.

It will, providing you stick with a dark Plan B.

ALL waywards justify and rewrite history, as you well know.

The longer and darker your Plan B, the less you will talk about WH. Therefore the less you will know about his rewrite.

I'm glad to hear DD11 is feeling positive, I imagine birthdays must be so hard on the kids.

Caracal, the dark plan B is definitely helping. I think it's raising the bar to where it should have been all along, in terms of not being willing to accept less than an amazing marriage and full just compensation if HAM wanted to reconcile. I'm also more resigned to the probability that he never will.

I work in child welfare, and we terminate parental rights of abusive or neglectful parents. It is always painful, but necessary so that children can have a chance. It is amazing how much HAM is like one of these parents now...just walking away from his child, his family, and for what? Floozy doesn't even have any respect for him. Ah, well. That will be his burden to carry, as for me, I am so blessed with my kids...spent a long time on the phone with the girls last night, did fun things with the boy, including sewing him a little toy that he was so thrilled about, a snail, since he was really fascinated with them for a time. I can do this. I can put a smile on his face. I can provide for them all. I am capable and strong. I am also very, very worthy of a man who is every bit as capable and strong, and I won't settle for any less.

Also, HDW, thanks for the quote from al-anon. I've actually gotten a lot out of co-dependency books, which are the same "freeing oneself from self-defeatism" as well as so much about detachment that is helpful for one entering plan B. It is good to have affirmations about the position one is taking to let a crazy, chaotic person go.

Uggh, I just can't seem to keep away from a desperate hope that he will "come around" and come clean on everything and work recovery. Every time I see a WS post on here, I get a huge pang of jealousy.

I know that I have to accept what is. I know in so many ways, my kids and I are better off without HAM and his mess. Even DS is better off now than when his dad was in and out of his life...better to just be out.

But I just keep coming back to my dream of what it should have been. I keep coming back to memories of the good times. I have seen HAM break down before, and I feel like I know him pretty well. I think that he would have to have a total, complete break down to acknowledge what he's done, and how deep his lies are, and I think he's afraid he couldn't handle it. And maybe he couldn't...but what's the alternative? Just piling more lies on? Digging deeper? Making an even bigger mess of his life and family?

I know it's the rescuing part of me that is being triggered, as well as a selfish part that truly wants just compensation...yeah, I'll admit, I want him to admit all that he's done wrong. I want amends, dammit. I want the truth to be out there, instead of the lies.

I spent some time writing a list of questions I would need answered before I would ever consider reconciliation. It helps me to keep the bar high. But I also feel it drags me back into wondering what his answers would be, and if they'd just be more lies (I would require a polygraph as well).

I feel it all in the pit of my stomach right now. How do I move past this?

Dear Jennifer:

You may want to read the book, "Leadership and Self-Deception" from the Arbinger Institute.

While not a marriage/relationship book, it CLEARLY outlines the path to self-deception.

It may give you a great deal of insight into how a wayward spouse abandons what he or she knows is right and blindly (but comfortably) adopts an altered way of thinking.

BV